Stand-up Material for review please be honest.

(Note it will I hope sound a lot better when I actually perform it and add in body language and facial expressions, it's difficult to know how to format in writing what is essentially a monologue for the most part it will be performed with an expression of anger/anxiety whilst trying to sound like a smartass).

I just want to come out and say it I hate cars. I hate mechanics, that basically just charge us for our ignorance and then round up their labour fees to the nearest hour, I mean I'm only on here for 5 minutes if I was a mechanic I'd round my fee up to the hour, and I could really do with that extra hot-dog

I can't even get into Formula 1 I've tried watching it but it seems counter-intuitive driving for hours so they can win a bottle of wine so large that it would put you over the driving limit for 6 months, then the commentators get really excited when they make a pit stop, I mean no wonder their going out their minds I've seen the price of petrol, they've just spent as much on fuel in 10 seconds as some small countries entire national debt.

Then there's the macho element of it where men are forced to pretend to know about cars. My wife made me go with her to buy a car on the pretense that car salesmen will try to take advantage of a single female. I was like what am I supposed to do in this endeavor, I don't know anything about cars, I don't even drive.

My wife was like, just act like you know what you are talking about and look intimidating, me intimidating??? I'm 5'2" and would get the shit kicked out me by someone dying from leukemia whilst having an asthma attack and unless this salesman is a squirrel then I'm not intimating anyone.

When we get to the salesroom the guy looks at me with a knowing look,I know and he knows that we are less than 4 questions away from exposing my lack of knowledge on the subject, I literally know 3 things about a car, the make the model and the colour, and two of those things are written on the back of the car and I learned how to identify colours when I was 4. But the guy also looks at me we have an understanding, he needs to make his commission and I need to get out of this situation with as much dignity as possible.

He's like you'll want to have a good drag coefficient, I'm like yeah I was just saying to my wife we'll need a good {intentionally mispronounce Drag coefficient but making it sound like I know what I'm talking about). My wife was like so what does that mean, I'm like what's that mean, ooft, me and this guy we could talk for hours about what a {mis pronounce Drag coefficient in a different way than before} is.

He was like this car has four valves per cylinder? I'm like It's only got four (looking as if frowning to my wife)? He's like Fours standard, I' 'm looking at my wife saying that's what I was saying see, it got four cylinders its perfect (spoken like I know exaclty what I'm talking about).

And then the salesman is like what colour would you be looking to get, I'm like yes finally a subject I know, so I look at the wife, she says white, I'm like yes that is a colour that exists, in fact, it's a plain colour so should be cheap, I might get out of this ordeal with a bargain the salesman then says yeah white is more expensive than our standard colours, what wait what?? what the hell is white paint made out of - the testicles of unicorns!!

Anyway I asked how much, he gave a price that seemed reasonable, I looked to my wife and said well lets sign the paperwork and end this situation, to which she responded, you know what I think I'll get another few years out the car I have..........grrr

It has potential. The hot dog joke is a good opener.
Win a bottle of wine is a nice line.
Drop the leukemia but keep asthma.
More drowning in engine technicalities, it's a funny approach as no one understands them.
Maybe a better simile than unicorns nuts.
A fair ending where she changes her mind. (that should go well)

Good luck.Jasper, er I mean Magic.

I went with unicorn nuts because I'll mostly be performing in Scotland and it's the national animal. I feel asthma needs something before it someone needs to have a double dosage of handicap so as to fully highlight how unintimidating I am

Just read it, I agree with all of Stephen's above comments.

The "I would get the shit kicked out me by someone dying from leukemia" line just seems rather bleak for an otherwise light-hearted piece IMO. Maybe play on the height thing instead and refer to another short bloke, e.g. "I'm 5'2", if me and Danny DeVito went to the beach then he'd be the one kicking sand in my face" or something shit like that. (Or maybe a rather more up to date reference than Danny DeVito who nobody's probably thought about since 1997!)

A few funny one-liners in there but you should lose the "and I was like" and "she was like" etc - repetative sentence openers like that will become very quickly irritating to audience members.

I enjoyed it and was reading it thinking of Jack Dee. I agree about changing the leukaemia reference and not because it's offensive but because it definitely affects the momentum and tone so it feels out of place. Maybe replace it with something else and have a few more to add on as that sounds like a good oportunity to drag out the self deprecating joke. Something like 'someone with leprosy having an asthma attack (laugh) blindfolded (laugh) and in a vodka induced coma (laugh)

I agree with Tommy Griff about losing the 'I was like' because it can sound like the material isn't well rehearsed unless of course that kind of dialect is part of the act and could then become a defining part. You could be theatrical with gestures, postures and speech that distinguishes the husband and wife and you're playing out the conversation so then you don't need to point out who is speaking because the audience will be able to tell and this could get big laughs from the jokes and visuals combined. The pauses alone during the conversation could be enough to make people laugh and it will make the material more inviting. Like Gonzo comedy if there is such a thing. Good luck! :)

Using Like is the way we speak here in Scotland

As long as it's not overused it shouldn't detract from the story or become a filler word.