Dawn in a cold December 29th Dorset field.
A farmer is on his tractor in a field when he sees two lads behind a hedge. They are wearing Roman centurion's helmets as they share a joint.
The farmer stops his tractor and goes over. As he looks over the hedge, he can see that they have dug a hole and that one has a metal detector.
FARMER
What are you two up to?
It soon becomes apparent to the farmer that he is dealing with Scousers.
LAD 1
What the f**ks it got to do with you?
FARMER
That's not your land
LAD 2
Its' not yours either so what's the problem?
FARMER
You can't just dig where you want
LAD1
We're not, we got permission off the farmer
LAD 2
We're going halves with him on anything we find
FARMER
So, you're detectorists
LAD 1
Yeah, it's our first day and we've found loads of stuff
Lad 2 jumps into the hole with the detector and it bleeps. Lad 2 then pulls out of the mud what is clearly a Roman sword still in its scabbard. Lad 2 holds it up to show Lad 1
LAD 2
Look at this I reckon it's a bat or something?
The farmer realises that they have no real idea of the enormity of what they have unearthed.
FARMER
So, you said you're going halves with the field's owner?
LAD 1
Yeah, it's only fair
FARMER
What if you said that you found it on my land, and I offered to go 40 -60 in your favour?
LAD 2
Nah it would be sly on him
LAD 1
Yeah, he let us do it and I reckon this stuff is worth at least a grand, so we're not pulling a stunt on him for an extra 100 quid. That would be well out of order
The farmer is almost near to panic as he realises that they are clueless. He tries his best to sound calm and disinterested.
FARMER
I reckon its worth about 2 grand to be honest.
LAD 1
Two grand for two old hats and a bat? No chance, I don't know what you're smoking but I'd have some if I got offered it
Lad 2
Anyway, he would see the hole and know
FARMER
Its right on the edge of our lands, you could just dig a bit through my hedge onto my land and say you found it this side no one would know
LAD 1
No chance we've already dug one hole and we're f**king knackered already
FARMER
I could dig it with my tractor
LAD 1
Nah we need to go home soon we've been up since silly o'clock and as me mate said we're knackered
The farmer is near to panic but keep it in as best he can as he speaks nonchalantly.
FARMER
Well, if you lads are tired I could do it while you go home and get some kip
LAD 1
F**k that you could find more bats and all that and not tell us, there could be another two grands worth in here for all we know
The Farmer is clearly thinking on his Wellington booted feet.
FARMER
I'll tell you what you seem like honest lads, and you sound like you're tired
LAD 1
I'm f**ked, I'm not used to digging holes
LAD 2
Plus, we have to get back before my little brother wakes up and finds out that we've been messing with the detector he got for Christmas.
LAD 1
And I need to get me dads shovel back in his shed he's a moaning bastard
The famer knows he has them where he wants them.
FARMER
I'll tell you what I sold a Hereford Bull for cash yesterday so why don't I buy the lot of you for cash? The hats the bats and the hole for 4 grand cash and I'll even go half with the farmer who owns the land. I'll just drag the trench backward onto my land and we can share it everyone wins
LAD 1
You'll give us 4 grand?
FARMER
And you can go home and get in your nice warm bed with 2 grand each, your little brother gets his detector back in time everyone wins
LAD 2
F**k that I reckon there's well more stuff in here, we could lose hundreds if we deal early.
The farmer takes out a big fat wad of money and does his best to act jovial
FARMER
Ok ok I had a great day at the cattle auctions yesterday, why don't we call it 6 and you can have 3 each right now
The lads take the money grab the detector and the spade and walk off counting the money and buzzing.
The farmer then grabs his own spade off his tractor and quickly fills the hole in and does his best to hide the fact that there was a hole.
He then gets back into his tractor and cuts right through his field full of winter veg to get to his cottage.
He runs inside his cottage and puts the helmets and sword on the table and grabs the phone. His wife is shocked by his actions
WIFE
What's the commotion?
FARMER
I'll tell you what the commotion is. I've just taken two dickhead Scousers for millions. Now all I have to do is ring that lot who I reported my last find to and get my name down as the finder
WIFE
Didn't that turn out to be a pram?
FARMER
Well this is the real deal
The phone rings
FARMER
Hello is that the Portable Antiquities Scheme?
PAS
Yes you're lucky you caught us we normally stay off till March on full pay because of the frost you know. We're only in because someone found what they think is a pair of 16th Century shoes with the buckles missing in a farmhouse refurbishment in Kent
FARMER
Well hang onto your hat, which is a pretty apt as I've just found at least two Roman Centurions Helmet and a full f**king Roman Sword!
PAS
Have you just done a deal with two Scousers?
FARMER
What?
PAS
Two pot smoking Scousers, they act like idiots standing over a hole
FARMER
You know them?
PAS
Not personally they pulled this scam a dozen times, the Roman stuff is a job lot they bought from a Roman Re-enactment Society in Chester last year. How much did they take you for
FARMER
6 grand in hard cash
PAS
Count yourself lucky they usually take well more than that
FARMER
Well it's the last farmer they'll rob I know exactly what they look like so I'm calling the police
PAS
Waste of time mate. as I said they've done loads of farmers. The police view of it is that as the helmets are not stolen and that they never say what the stuff is they never break the law. They just rely on other people's greed so it's seen in law as a fair transaction
FARMER
Scouse bastards
