British Comedy Guide

Geordie Unsure

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Thursday 10th June 2021, 11:20pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,468 posts

Marr After Midnight

Following his defection to GB TV, Andrew Marr now has his own one on one late night interview show. Its a simple two chair, low lighting set.

We join him mid interview with his first ever guest Sir Michel Caine.

MARR
I suppose now we must get to your latest release the controversial 'Funeral in Byker'. Which by the way is a real place. And to to those who don't venture north, it's in Newcastle or so I'm told in my ear.

CAINE
And it's a shithole!

MARR
Now l say controversial given that the critics are calling it nothing more than a homage to your career

CAINE
Bollocks! and I can say that on here, can't I?

MARR Nods

CAINE
As usual the snowflakes have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

MARR
Now I know you insisted on local actors if that a reference to Brexit?

CAINE
No authenticity , I wanted real, local people.

MARR
They may be local but in fairness most of them are very well known 'Geordies'

CAINE
We had to use celebrities, none of the other f**kers had a full set of teeth and we couldn't understand a word they were saying anyway.

MARR
Now your character Parry Halmer works on the periphery of the Secret Service.

CAINE
Yes, old Parry is a right Jack the Lad, he porks any half right bird he comes across .

MARR
In 'Funeral in Byker' your character Parry employs the services of Tabs' Thompson a cigarette smuggler played by Jimmy Nail. Who appears able to enter and leave the new and fiercely Independent Scotland with ease. This despite the Scots having rebuilt and reinforced the now heavily fortified Hadrian's Wall.

CAINE
Tabs is what we class as a 'Local Asset' who knows that Nicola Sturgeon has put a price on his head, but he still carries on.

MARR
Now in this clip you're at a party for your murdered brothers daughters birthday which is also alongside the launch of her porn career. At the party you ask 'Dozy Dennis' played by Paul Gascoigne to do something funny with the cake. And as expected he goes too far, the cake subsequently falls on the floor.

CLIP

MICHEAL CAINE wearing a white coat and heavy glasses crosses the room and smashes a chair over Paul Gascoigne's head and stands over his body shouting "You were only supposed to blow the bloody candles out"

MARR
Chilling, now in this next clip you and Tabs Thompson are deep in discussion about your mission.

CLIP
CAINE and Nail are talking on the roof of a multi storey car park.

CAINE
"So you're bringing them through inside coffins

NAIL
Aye mon and they haven't got a f**king clue either.

CAINE
What if I wanted to bring back a live man inside instead ?

NAIL
Nay f**king chance mon! How the f**k is a man worth more than tabs? Is he wearing a gold f**king suit or summat.

CAINE shoots NAIL and throws his body over the side and we watch it fall.

MARR
Gripping stuff and I should tell the people at home that 'Tabs' are in fact cigarettes. But I digress as again the question is, is it a homage or as some have ventured 'Plagiarism'?

CAINE
Neither they're just jealous bastards, I work my arse for this country and all them f**kers do is pull it down.

MARR
In the next clip you have gone under the wall via tunnel dug by Mike the Mole and ex miner with brain damage played by Peter Beardsley. And we see you in conversation with Mike while his wife Rita keeps watch. His wife by the way is played by ...

MARR looks through his notes in a panic but CAINE steps in to help.

CAINE
It's alright Andrew, I don't know her name either, few do. She's that bird who was on Gogglebox

MARR
Anyway, here's the clip.

CLIP

CAINE and MOLE are on a hill looking down on Kelso

MOLE
Who or what are we looking for?

CAINE
A man with a video

MOLE
I love videos

CAINE
Well you'd love this one. I can tell you all about it because you know...

CAINE twirls his finger by his head as he continues.

CAINE
He daren't send it electronically or post it, from what he says its footage of Nicola Sturgeon in a threesome with the Krankies. If its real HM Government mean to use it as leverage to save the Submarine bases at Rosyth.

MOLE
That's by the seaside, I love the seaside.

Rita Mole then runs down the hill shouting and pointing 'Jocks, thousands of em'

MIKE THE MOLE runs the wrong way toward the Jocks and CAINE shoots him the back. He then helps Rita down the tunnel and they speak underground.

CAINE
I'm sorry I had to do that , they would have tortured him

RITA
It's ok I think he would have wanted that

CAINE Twirls his finger by the side of his head

CAINE
Why are you, you know brain damaged as well?

RITA
No, I might be really bright I don't know?

MARR
Stirring stuff from Peter Beardsley given that it's such a sensitive subject. And, which by the way I thought you also handled very well.

CAINE
Thank you

Our final clip is where you've clearly realized that you've been used as a pawn. So, you now have your old boss Mr Bridges played by Alan Shearer and your new boss IP Cress. Played by Alan Price of course and who we are told is a 200 year old Chinese man . They're up against a wall and rather excitedly you have a gun on them both. Let's watch.

CLIP
IP CRESS
Listen to me Halmer listen to me

MR BRIDGES
Don't be a fool dear boy shoot the foreigner you're a British agent for gods sake!

As CAINE cocks the gun Rita Mole runs up and hugs him and he snaps out of his rage. Holding Rita's hand he enters into a monologue in very heavy cockney.

CAINE
I've had it up to here with you lot I really f**king have! I'm sick and tired of the lot of it, the guns, the blags, the birds, the Chelsea boots, and the f**king glasses, the f**king lot of it. F**k all you I'm going to educate this bird and get her a f**king PHD !

MARR
Absolutely amazing thank you so much Sir Michael Cain

CAINE
My pleasure

Credits go up

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john tregorran

  • Friday 11th June 2021, 9:55am
  • mornington,victoria, Australia
  • 1,993 posts

Excellent,I really enjoyed that.
Although personally I would have preferred Ant and Dec getting shot.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Friday 11th June 2021, 10:58am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,468 posts

Thanks for the read John and in total honesty I was going to use those two. And if I say so myself I loved Marrs dialogue as it sounds like him :P