British Comedy Guide

Wooly mammoth 20 - 28.3.19

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 20th March 2019, 2:49pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,713 posts

Cule jumping beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for beating off some stiff competition, like my mother in a wanking contest. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy

Your next topic is THE END.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 28.3.19.

Scorebored is now:
Position- Points - name
1 - 20 - Gappy
2 - 10 - me

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gappy

  • Thursday 28th March 2019, 8:34pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

ENID: I'm glad we caught those spies, said Anne, even if we did have to tell fibs to trick them. I think, in this instance, laughed Julian, it was acceptable to commit a tiny infraction for the greater good. The end.

BILLY: Cor! That was your best story yet, Mrs Blyton.

ENID: Hold on, I'd not finished.

BILLY: Sorry, you said "the end".

ENID: Patience is a vuirtue, Billy. To continue where I was inmterrupted: The end...justifies the means, chortled George. The end.

BILLY: I'll say, that's right! Thanks, Mrs Bly-

ENID: I'd not finished! The end justifies the means, I repeat, repeated George. Well, I don't blame you for saying it twice, George old thing, crowed Dick, cracking open a bottle of ginger beer. The end.

BILLY; [LONG PAUSE] Right. So I enjoyed that.

ENID: No!! Pay attention. The end. [LONG PAUSE] Why did you pause so long just now after saying the end, Dick, asked Anne. Just enjoying a long swig of ginger beer mid-sentence, replied Dick. To finish my thought, the end of the road is where we've ended up, and I'm excited to see where we go next. To be continued....

BILLY: I'll be sure to seek out the next adventure.

ENID: [ANGRY] Tobecontinued Avenue is where we're going next, reminded Julian, because that's where we live. Oh yes, I forgot, chuckled Dick. The end.

BILLY: [LONGER PAUSE] Err...good?

ENID: [NEAR SHOUTING] Can't you listen, you filthy brat? The end [LONGER PAUSE] oscopist lives next door to us, I always have trouble with that word, hence my lacuna of uncertainty in the middle of pronouncing it, admitted Dick. And that is the end of the book!

BILLY: Fine!

ENID: [SHOUT] And that is the end of the book is the name of the boat on which the spies were planning their escape said George! I remember said Anne! It was only an hour or so ago we caught them! And this is actually the end!

BILLY: Bye then.

ENID: [SCREAMING] And this is actually the Yendali people of Borneo's rain dance, capered George, maybe now this exhausting heatwave will end. I hope so, said Anne, my racehorses need a drink. Which race horses are those, asked Dick? They are called The End, The Completion Of The Story, and This Book Has Now Finished. They are stabled by Mr HappilyEverAfter near Saint NoMoreTale's church, in Lower OtherBooksByEnidBlytonYouMightEnjoyAre.

BILLY: I'm going to just go.

ENID: [INSANE SHRIEK] ISBN 1034-2457-9946, barked Timmy!!!!!

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Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 28th March 2019, 9:39pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

My uncle died overdosing on viagra. His coffin had to be a pyramid.

We buried my grandmother with some stock cubes. She'll be spinning in her gravy.

My grandad died from drinking too much Guinness. He ended up with a bright white forehead. The rest of his body was totally black. When we scattered his ashes, we used the last few grains to draw the shape of a three leaf clover.

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gappy

  • Friday 29th March 2019, 6:30pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Patrick. I mean, obviously Patrick, but the first 2 gags did make me grin, so it's well deserved.