British Comedy Guide

ncvbxcv 31.11 - 1.12.18


Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 30th November 2018, 10:21am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY and ME for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. I will PM myself. I won't really. It's a joke. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me

Your next topic is THINGS (devised by GAPPY). I have two penises. One is generous. The other - well, it's not my kinder thing.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of testes, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 8.12.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me



  • Monday 3rd December 2018, 8:36pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

1: [COCKNEY] So, mate, how's the band going?

2: [WEST INDIES] The band is irie, me bredren. We goan meet this weekend, to mak some lickle riddim an ting.

1: That's great news, me old mucker. So, what else will you make apart from the, err, riddims?

2: Me don't understand.

1: The fings. You'll make rhythms, but you'll also make fings. What fings? Mistakes? Sandwiches? The bed?

2: Nah, you misunderstand. That's just an idiom, an ting.

1: So what does it mean?

2: It don't mean no ting.

1: "And fings" means "no fings"? That can't be right.

2: You're twisting up me words, mon. It's just how we speak. It's just me haccent - all of us talk like this where I cyome from....Helsinki.

1: Look, mate, I'm not complaining about yer accent - hell, you can tell from how I speak that I'm Glaswegian - it's just, you can't say "an ting" if there aren't any fings.

3: [AMERICAN] Hey, buddies, what's the story?

1: Alright, mate? I'm just telling Bob 'ere, that he can't end a sentence with "an ting" if there ain't any ting.

2: He's wrong an ting.

3: He's not wrong, man. It makes no sense to say an ting, and shit.

2: I didn't say "an ting and shit", I just said "an ting". An ting.

3: Well, I agree with Tommy here, that's weird and shit.

1: No!

3: You just said it. You said you don't like "an ting", and shit.

1: I don't like "an ting", cos there ain't any ting, but I also don't like "and shit", 'cos there ain't any shit.

3: No shit?

1: No! Yes!
2: Cyome on, mon, you can' say "and shit" an ting.

3: Hey, dude, you can't say "an ting" and shit.

1: Neither of you can say "an ting" or "and shit". It's mental, and that.

2: Why'd you say "and that" an ting?

3: Wooah, why'd you say "and that an ting" and shit?

1: I didn't! Why would I say "and that an ting and shit"? There's no need and that.

2: Now I'm confused an ting.

3: This is getting f**ked up, stop saying "an ting" and shit.

1: Stop saying "and shit" and that.

2: Stop saying "and shit and that" an ting.

1: Stop saying "and shit and that an ting" and that.

3: Hold up. Why'd you just say "and shit and that an ting and that", and shit?


V/O: Aaaaand so on.


Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 7th December 2018, 11:37am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

How 'Internet of Things' has changed my life
2016: I go to the fridge and say 'There's f**k all inside, of course there ain't, you're too f**king lazy to buy any proper food, just Strongbow and kebabs and 'Razzle's Readers' Wives', sort yer act out you slobby knobby twat.'
2018: An app goes to my fridge and says, 'There's f**k all inside, of course there ain't, you're too f**king lazy to buy any proper food, just Strongbow and kebabs and 'Razzle Readers' Wives' sort yer act out you sloppy knobby twat.'



  • Sunday 9th December 2018, 11:07am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,080 posts

Well, this is a bit disappointing, only two entrants, second week in a row. I vote Michael, just for the record.


Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 9th December 2018, 11:11am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,385 posts

Another tough week, bombarded with more entries than my mother, and so many alternatives I was up all night. A choice harder than a priest during Tellietubbies, so...
Apologies to all the others, but manifold choices would complicate the scoring system.