British Comedy Guide

Slay Bells

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 21st November 2018, 1:46pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

SCENE:
Santa is sat on the sofa in his shirt and braces. The left leg of his trousers is rolled up to the knee which is clearly giving him pain. His red coat is over a tiny body we can't see and a man in a dressing gown and slippers has his hand under the coat. Santa for some reason has a brummie accent.

MAN:
What the f**k happened?

SANTA:
Is he?

MAN:
Stone cold

SANTA:
Oh my god

MAN:
How did you even get in here?

SANTA:
Chimney

MAN:
You really do that?

SANTA:
Yeah when I can

MAN:
So why did you even have an Elf with you? I thought you came down alone, and Rudolph stayed on the roof?

SANTA:
New builds, they don't have chimneys, So I've been using elves to get in through vents and cat flaps

MAN:
So, what happened?

SANTA:
We'd been drinking

MAN:
How many have you had?

SANTA:
I don't know 3- 400

MAN:
3-400 I'm surprised you're still alive!

SANTA:
I normally have twice that, but he was getting in first and drinking the stuff that was left out for me

MAN:
How many had he had?

SANTA:
Easily 500

MAN:
So, what happened?

SANTA:
He'd been at me all night with the snipes, you know it's not my fault you can't get your fat arse through cat flaps all that guff

MAN:
Surely that's just a bit of banter?

SANTA:
No Elves are nasty bastards at the best of times but with scotch down them they're a f**king nightmare

MAN:
So, then what happened?

SANTA:
When we got here, I was down first so I had the scotch that you left me, and it was lovely

MAN:
Thanks, it's a very special single malt, I got it for myself as a present

SANTA:
Yeah well, I had that and when I turned around, he was at your bottle. So, I tried to take it off him and he hit me, look at that!

Santa shows the man his knee.

MAN:
It's like a perfectly round little dint

SANTA:
That's an Elf mallet mark that is, lethal they are

MAN:
Is that blood?

SANTA:
No fire engine red paint, it will have been on the mallet. Elves go mad to paint everything f**king fire engine red! It drives me crackers

MAN:
So, then what happened?

SANTA:
I just lost it and put my welly across his throat and snapped his neck

MAN:
Oh my god

SANTA:
I know, you'd better call the cops

MAN:
But what will happen to Christmas?

SANTA:
I've got more on my plate than f**king Christmas to worry about mate, I'm looking at jail here I am!

MAN:
I can keep a secret and if you can? and if we put him in pillowcase with a few spanners to weigh him down you can throw him in the river from your sleigh, so he won't be telling anyone either.

SANTA:
You'd do that for me?

MAN:
I'd do it for Christmas

SANTA:
But your home I've wrecked it during the fight

MAN:
I can straighten this up don't you worry

SANTA:
I can't believe you're doing this for me, you're risking your own freedom

MAN:
With the greatest respect he's an Elf, is it that bad? It has to be similar to killing a dog or a cat? Not nice but it's a fine at best

SANTA:
That's what I thought after I killed the last two. Not a bit of it the judge warned me if I do anymore of them in, I'm looking at a custodial

MAN:
Oh my god I didn't know you'd done it before

SANTA:
I'm getting help honest I've got my name down for anger management and everything. You've never worked with them day in and day out!

MAN:
I'm sorry Santa I draw the line at helping serial killers

SANTA:
What if I sweetened the pot?

MAN:
In what way?

SANTA:
A brand new ipod? A laptop? An X box and ten games? Oh, and a case of that scotch you like?

MAN:
And you promise you'll go to anger management

SANTA:
Nailed on promise

MAN:
Go on then your secrets safe with me Santa

The End

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 21st November 2018, 11:03pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

In today's liberal, politically correct culture you might be accused of elfism but, in more broadminded times, Hale and Pace would certainly have done a sketch like that.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Thursday 22nd November 2018, 7:43pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Thanks for the reading of it Rood Eye and may I ask ,is the fact Hale & Pace would do it a good or a bad thing?

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Rood Eye

  • Thursday 22nd November 2018, 8:21pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 22nd November 2018, 7:43 PM

Is the fact Hale & Pace would do it a good or a bad thing?

Hale and Pace occasionally did sketches that sailed very close to the wind in terms of what was allowable on television when it came to matters of good taste.

The idea of Santa Claus murdering an elf by crushing its neck with his boot is not without humour in the context of a thoroughly bad Santa, but it's not something that many comedy performers or producers have traditionally jumped at the chance of dishing up to their adoring public.

Ideas about what is acceptable and what isn't on TV have changed dramatically in recent times and it's that change that has caused me to doubt the wisdom of peppering a Christmas sketch with too many dead elves.

Hale and Pace (and whoever produced their TV shows), however, would have been brave enough and perfectly happy to do so if they'd liked the sketch. :D

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Thursday 22nd November 2018, 9:14pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Thanks Rood Eye I understand and it saddens me at how sanitized things have become .