British Comedy Guide

Slit bumped 7 - 15.1.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 7th January 2018, 12:18pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,456 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PLAYFULL for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy, Crindy

Your next topic is COMPUTER GAMES (suggested by GAPPY).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 3.1.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - Gappy, Playfull
2 - 5 - me, Crindy

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gappy

  • Monday 8th January 2018, 10:12am
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,925 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 7th January 2018, 12:18 PM

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for winkin'.

You may wish to count again...

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 8th January 2018, 4:49pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,456 posts

No texts please... Do they?

Sociologists, scientists and pornographers have uncovered a disturbing new trend among youngsters between 8 and 93: 'texting'.
The word derives from sexting but refers to sending or receiving texts with no reference to intercourse, chewing on hair pie or slapping one's purple-headed yoghurt slinger. The latest victim prefers to remain nameless so f**k him. Instead, here's Roger N. Out of Oxbridge:
'I regularly receive texts from colleagues, friends and even family. They include photos of fully-clothed majors, links to computer games and enquiries about my health... Not a twitch. In desperation, I occasionally jiffy stiffy my wife and fantasise her goop chute is my dick beaters, though I never condone sex with love.'
Research from researching researchers indicates up to 2% of text messages are unrelated to balling, bonking or boning. The overage are particularly at risk, and sprogs have a duty to inform mitty and pop of the dangers:
Repeated exposure to images of women in bibs may lead to respect for arm candy. Despite the pioneering work of Hugh Hefner, Italian TV and western civilisation, some extremist groups insist dudettes are not just jizz receptacles and may even have rights. Ouch!
The images could leak. Unlike the recipient.
Adults could see them. Presenting yourself as an informed, intelligent human being will reduce your chances of media work, baptism or being boffed by Uncle Kev.
If you are a victim of texting, send us a text.

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gappy

  • Wednesday 10th January 2018, 12:53pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,925 posts

COMMANDER: And so, in summing up, I say to you simply this: we shall win this war, and you, our latest space fighter graduates, shall win it for us. Remember your fallen comrades, remember right is on your side, remember the attack formation we taught you in the academy, and get out there and defeat that planet!

[Cheers and sound of massed troops leaving]

Space Cadet 1357/4, you remain; have you something to say?

CADET: Yes, Commander. I just wanted to have a word about this formation we're attacking in.

COMMANDER: That formation is the key to our victory; if you have anything to say against it, you would do well to choose your words wisely.

CADET: OK. That formation: I think it's mostly a terrible idea.

COMMANDER: Mostly a terrible idea?!

CADET: Yes. In fact, wholly a terrible idea, Sir, but I wanted to let you down gently.

COMMANDER: But we spent the past 6 months instilling you with that attack formation.

CADET: Even so, I don't think it's the best way to beat the earthlings.

COMMANDER: Cadet 1357/4, I admire your young fire, your youthful nerve, your tight plastic pantaloons, but I think I know more about space tactics than you, and I know this: the best way of attacking a planet in a phalanx of spaceships is hovering above a patch of the ground in a square, going sideways all together, and occasionally moving down a little bit. Slow and steady wins the race.

CADET: The race to die quickest.

COMMANDER: Cadet, the all-together-sideways-downy manoeuvre is our greatest military achievement. It strikes terror into the enemy!

CADET: Thing is, Sir, I've had a word with intel, and their reconnaissance suggests that the earth guys just have these little cannon things, that can only move along one axis; they even reckon there are only 3 of them. So, I say, we attack one at a time, hovering just out of range.

COMMANDER: That will never work. They have these little bridges to hide under.

CADET: In reference to that, I've had this little tactical idea, you might like it, it's called aiming.

COMMANDER: Impossible. Flying in formation is hard enough, we don't have time to spend aiming. Especially if we're all going to make that bloop bloop noise at the same time.

CADET: With the greatest of respect, Sir, I can count the good points of your beloved attack formation on the digits of one flargle; a flargle being a two-fingered appendage we aliens have.

COMMANDER: I'm well aware of that. I too have a flargle. It was an odd thing to say.

CADET: OK, granted. But, look, the good points of your plan are 1) the terror striking.

COMMANDER: The terror! The terror!!

CADET: Yes, quite so, the terror...and...that's it. I mean, here's another idea: why don't we try attacking a different part of the planet. One without any bridges. There is quite a lot of planet, you see, but we always have a go at that one little area, where they have the three shooty things.

COMMANDER: Aah! I see. You don't get to be a commander of Alien Starfleet for as long as I have without learning a thing or two. I've got a military CV as long as your flargle, and I know a cadet who's getting cold feet when I see one.

CADET: What? No.

COMMANDER: Come on, lad, don't try to deny it. Even the best warriors have second thoughts before a battle. All perfectly normal, and nothing a good massed chorus of "bloop bloop" won't fix.

CADET: No, look, I'm not scared, I just -

COMMANDER: Fear not, laddy. To give you some courage and gird your plastic pantaloons, I shall fly the mothership just above your attack.

CADET: Just above? How far just above? Like, within missile range?

COMMANDER: Of course, otherwise I wouldn't be making much of a gesture. Yes, the mothership, containing the elite brass of the military, the ruling executive of our planet, and all of our supplies; I'll just drift it across the battlefield every now and then. Quite slowly, probably.

CADET: Right, this is a farce! I took the liberty of contacting Ace Mechatrox, he's galaxy-renowned as a genius tactician. He's on his way to help us actually win this war, with luck I should be able to get him on the comm now. Are you there, Ace?

[Comm crackles]

He's just coming through an asteroid belt in a tiny triangular ship that hard to steer. Ace, can you hear me?

ACE: [Distorted] Thank God! There's someone. Can't stop them. Asteroids. They just keep splitting in two. Can't control the ship. Help me! Heeeelp m- [Static]

CADET: Oh. Right. Yeah, I didn't think of that.

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playfull

  • Monday 15th January 2018, 8:16pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,445 posts

DAVE: Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

NOVA: No, please join me.

DAVE: My name is...Clint.

NOVA: It says Dave on your name badge.

DAVE: What! We have name badges?

NOVA: Well you do, Dave. Don't worry you can change your player name in settings next time you log on. My name is Nova.

DAVE: I see you aren't wearing a badge?

NOVA: Is that why you have been staring at my bosom?

DAVE: Oh god was i? I knew I would be awful at this.

NOVA: Relax Dave. This is why we are here, remember? We are here to have some fun. That's the point of the game. You can be as naughty as you want.

DAVE: It's my first time doing this sort of thing.

NOVA: Really?

DAVE: Can I say you look absolutely amazing.

NOVA: And can I say you look absolutely like a Dave.

DAVE: Oh.

NOVA: Let me guess, straight out of the box and headset on. Typical beginners mistake. You really need to put some thought into your profile and image. The more attractive your avatar the more attractive the partners you attract.

DAVE: Right, I see. Makes sense I suppose.

NOVA: Tap your right index finger and thumb together.

DAVE: Ok, wow you have a huge ten above your head!

NOVA: And you have a four.

DAVE: A four!?

NOVA: You scanned your own picture in? Rule number one, never ever scan your own picture in.

DAVE: Well that explains all the Brad Pitts and Jenifer Anistons walking about.

NOVA: Look as we are here shall we have a little fun anyway?

DAVE: If you don't mind fun with a four?

NOVA: That is ok, I like to collect newbies. Just as long as you didn't scan your own genitals in.

DAVE: Oh...Hey my four has just changed to a two!

NOVA: Rule number two...look never mind lets just get started.

DAVE: What here in the bar?

NOVA: Why not? That is the point of virtual sex you can do all sorts of things in here that you would never dare do in real life.

DAVE: OK, sounds good to me. How do we start?

NOVA: Well I am not wearing any panties.

DAVE: Wow...

NOVA: Why don't you take a look under the table?

DAVE: Wow, ok then.

NOVA: Do you like what you see?

DAVE: Yes you have a really pretty vagina, and now I have stepped inside it, a surprisingly roomy one.

NOVA: What!? Oh god I must have scanned Katie Price in again...

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gappy

  • Tuesday 16th January 2018, 2:02pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,925 posts

Playfull (except, yuk).

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playfull

  • Tuesday 16th January 2018, 3:11pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,445 posts

Well it is quality over quantity this week. I really liked Michaels texting twist - really nice idea, but have to go with Gappy for all the work he put in, the overall idea and for mentioning Asteroids!

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