British Comedy Guide

Inkwell and Speedwell Blue Competest 16.12.17 - 3.1.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 16th December 2017, 1:59pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,920 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 -10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - me

Your next topic is CHRISTMAS (suggested by PLAYFULL).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 3.1.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Gappy
2 -10 - Playfull
3 - 5 - me

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 19th December 2017, 8:24am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,920 posts

At this time of year, I find someone who's sad and lonewly and not getting into the Christmas spirit. And tell them to f**k off. Stop ruining it for the rest of us, I mean for f**k's sake you useless wanker, you got 364 days a year to whinge, whine, gripe, groan and moan, still not enough? F**k you. Really. Just f**k you.
Why aren't Billie Piper and I satisfied with one Christmas present? Because we want two, because we want two.
I love candles. They're wicked.
Sorry to break this to you, but there is no Santa. How can one man visit every child in the world in one night? And not f**k at least one of them. It's a Catholic celebration AND he's a celebrity, that's twice the probability.
How does Portugal. The Man keeping working out what's in his present? Feel it still.
How does Katy Perry eat her Christmas turkey? ROAR.
Why does it take Eric Clapton 5 days to open his presents? Slow hand.
How does Santa get U2's guitarists's wish list? Postcards from the Edge.
When did Santa take his fingers out of the stuffing? When he had too much thyme on his hands.
What's the difference between currency and Christmas dinner? Currency is LOSING the pounds.
People say the pantgo is out of fashion... Oh no, it isn't.
How does Ed Sheeran work out what's in his presents? Shape of them.
Why won't Drake have dessert? He'll pass on fruit.

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KatieWTrans

  • Tuesday 19th December 2017, 2:40pm
  • Hertfordshire, United Kingdom
  • 5 posts

Englishman Irishman Scotsman went to see Father Christmas - "you're in luck said Father Christmas I'm retiring this year you can have anything of mine you like
Wow said the Englishman I'd love your reindeers the grand kids would love them
Consider it done said Father Christmas what about you he said looking at the Scotsman
Oh I'd love the sledge said the Scotsman the grand kids would love to play in that
What about you he said looking at the Irishman
Oh I'd love your sack said the Irishman
Oh yes said Father Christmas very clever you get all the left over presents I bet the grand kids would love them
Oh no said the Irishman I don't want the presents it would be far to heavy

Do you know who I feel sorry for at Christmas , it's the chicken - 364 days of the year it's chicken this, chicken that - then on the most important day of the year nobody wants to know , it's like being dumped on your wedding day for your best friend .

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playfull

  • Friday 29th December 2017, 7:02pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,725 posts

SCROOGE: Bob, would you mind stepping into my office for a moment.

BOB: Certainly Mr Scrooge.

BOB CRATCHIT PUTS HIS QUILL DOWN ON HIS DESK AND DROPPING OFF HIS TALL STOOL IN THE CLERKS TINY OUTER OFFICE ENTERS SCROOGE'S OFFICE.

BOB: Is it more coal for your fire sir?

SCROOGE: What? Err no Bob you have fetched me ample coal. Indeed I have enough coal to last till Michaelmas next.

BOB: Is it that you wish to close early Sir? Shall I attend to the shutters?

SCROOGE: No it's not that Bob...Its...

BOB: yes Mr scrooge?

SCROOGE: Well...am I being a prat Bob?

BOB: A prat sir?

SCROOGE: Yes Bob, a prat. I have one bad dream and then upon an instant abandon all the well-honed business practices that have served me so well for so long. People are laughing Bob, when I walk home I can hear them.

BOB: Tis that they are joyous Mr Scrooge. And it is you that has made them so. They do laugh most heartily with you.

SCROOGE: I fear you are getting 'with' and 'at' mixed up Bob. I just feel I may have gone too far too fast...

BOB: If I might be allowed to speak freely Sir?

SCROOGE: You may speak openly Bob. You are a free man, though I fear I have not always treated you so.

BOB: Thank you Sir. These last few days since Christmas Eve I have marvelled at your transformation. I have never seen a man so changed. And yet...

SCROOGE: Is it the Chandelier I bought for the workhouse?

BOB: No Sir...

SCROOGE: Is it the skiing holiday I bought Tiny Tim?

BOB: No Sir, as I said he could have had that fall anywhere, and you paid for a beautiful funeral...

SCROOGE: Is it the high heels and low-cut dresses.

BOB: No, Mr Scrooge...as I said a most startling transformation. Indeed Mrs Cratchit is very admiring of your figure...

SCROOGE: Well what is it that troubles you so?

BOB: I fear Sir that your astoundingly misguided generosity might put both of us in the work house.

SCROOGE: Oh I see. Easy come easy go Bob.

BOB: Which brings me to my next question Sir.

SCROOGE: Yes Bob?

BOB: I have worked here at Scrooge and Marley for an unspecified number of years, and I assume my work has been satisfactory?

SCROOGE: Indeed, most satisfactory Bob.

BOB: Well Mr Scrooge, Sir...I was wondering what type of business is Scrooge and Marey?

SCROOGE: Why, we are a counting house Bob!

BOB: And what does a counting house do Mr Scrooge?

SCROOGE: Why...it...err...well you sit out there working on your ledger and I sit in here conducting my business.

BOB: Which is?

SCROOGE: How the Dickens should I know. Now fetch me another lump of coal for my fire and then you can help me choose which diamond encrusted weathervane to purchase for the orphanage.

BOB: Bloody ghosts!

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gappy

  • Monday 1st January 2018, 11:50am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,027 posts

PRESENTER: Welcome, minister, and thank you for joining me today.

MINISTER: It's an absolute pleasure, Charlotte, an absolute pleasure.

PRESENTER: I'd like first, if I may, to pick up on something that the Prime Minister said yesterday. To clarify, what is the government's position on holly and ivy.

MINISTER: Ah, yes, I'm glad you've asked me that. The holly and the ivy, you see, when they are both full grown, of all the trees that are in the wood - and I want to be absolutely clear on this - the holly bears the crown.

PRESENTER: That is interesting, thank you minister, but the question concerned the holly *and* the ivy.

MINISTER: Yes. And, as I have proved time and time again, there have been huge leaps forward for holly. We are the party of the holly; holly, hard-working families, and self-starting mistletoe.

PRESENTER: And, at the risk of repeating myself, the ivy?

MINISTER: Charlotte, I have made our stance abundantly clear, that the holly and the ivy, when they are both full grown - or, indeed, at any other, err, err, juncture - of all the, of all the, of all the trees that - in short the holy bears the crown, and I don't think anybody could gainsay that, not even the BBC!

PRESENTER: Minster, perhaps I've not made myself clear -

MINISTER: No, no, let me finish, if I may - the holly bears the crown, and it is a far bigger crown than under the previous administration. The best crown.

PRESENTER: Minister, I am waiting to hear your comments on the ivy.

MINISTER: Well....well....one can't talk about ivy, without talking about holly, and, looking at the issue crownwise, I believe-

PRESENTER: Do you, in fact, have any figures relating to ivy?

MINISTER: Yes, of course I do. That would be ridiculous.

PRESENTER: Good.

MINISTER: Could we move on, now?

PRESENTER: Once you have given me a straight response about ivy growth in the past fiscal quarter, I shall be happy to discuss another topic.

MINISTER: Right. Well, it's...I mean, I don't have the precise...ivy, I believe in ivy and err...look, I find this obsession with numbers very unnecessary, we are the party of the people, not the, not the part of the statisticians, and there's no point in my parading figures before you, willy, err, err, nilly. when it's all in the manifesto, and a far clearer story is told by a crown than by a ledger. And the holly bears the crown.

PRESENTER: Very well. Moving on, minister, just last week you told the Israeli ambassador that you saw three ships come sailing in.

MINISTER: I did, yes.

PRESENTER: I wonder, could you tell, what colour were they?

MINISTER: Erm...ah...oh...bugger!

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Crindy

  • Tuesday 2nd January 2018, 12:54pm
  • England
  • 116 posts

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A lavish family living room. A Christmas tree stands in one corner, piles of presents stacked haphazardly underneath.

In the middle of the room stands little TIMMY, next to SANTA. Timmy's PARENTS stand opposite, looking gobsmacked. Rousing festive music swells in the background, like the end of every Christmas film ever made.

TIMMY
You see, Mum? You see, Dad? I told you Santa was real!

SANTA
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, one and all!

TIMMY'S MUM
I just...I'd never have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes!

TIMMY'S DAD
It's a Christmas miracle!
(to Timmy's Mum)
Darling, how about we don't get that divorce after all?

TIMMY'S MUM
Oh, absolutely! And I'll quit my job at that inexplicably evil banking company that makes me work late all the time and miss all of our son's formative childhood moments!

TIMMY
Aw, Santa! This is what I really wanted for Christmas! How did you know?

Santa smiles enigmatically. Timmy gives Santa a hug. The family celebrate.

SANTA
Ho, ho, h--Wait. Hold on. So you two didn't believe in Santa?

TIMMY'S MUM
Well of course not. We're grown-ups!

TIMMY'S DAD
Yeah, we stopped believing a long time ago. I guess it took our son's courage and love to make us believe again.

SANTA
But...I do exist.

TIMMY'S MUM
Well, we know that now!

SANTA
So, then...Where the hell did you think all the presents were coming from?

TIMMY'S DAD
...Excuse me?

SANTA
Well, I'm Santa, and I do exist. And every year I've been leaving presents for Timmy under the tree. But if neither of you believed in Santa, where did you think the presents were coming from?

TIMMY'S DAD
I...erm...

TIMMY'S MUM
Well, does that really matter? The important thing is--

SANTA
Yes, it matters! It matters a lot! This makes absolutely no sense. If you didn't believe in Santa until just now, why haven't you reported the mysterious appearance of several dozen gift-wrapped presents addressed to your son in your living room every Christmas morning to someone?

TIMMY'S DAD
Well, we--

SANTA
And more to the point, if you didn't believe in me, then how come you were still leaving it up to me to supply your son's presents every year?! If you had absolutely no faith that a strange bearded man from Lapland was going to somehow magically bequeath your son with the toys and gifts that he'd asked for every Christmas, why hadn't you gone out and bought them yourselves??

Timmy turns and glares accusingly at his parents.

TIMMY'S MUM
Well, I mean, I've been very busy at work--

SANTA
Yes, yes, I'm aware of your character arc. But that's not really an excuse any more, is it? Amazon Prime? eBay? It takes five minutes to order whatever it is the little guy's asked for.

TIMMY'S MUM
But then you need someone to be in to accept the delivery.

SANTA
(re Timmy's Dad)
Well, what about him? Ever since he lost his job which caused him to suffer a crisis of confidence, turn to drink and neglect his responsibilities towards his son, he's in the house pretty much constantly!

TIMMY'S DAD
Well, that's not quite--

SANTA
Oh, don't lie. I know your arc as well.

TIMMY
Mum? Dad? Is that true?

TIMMY'S MUM
Erm...I...I think I'm getting a phone call! From the office! Grrr, that...that silly job of mine...

Timmy's mum hurries off out of the room.

TIMMY'S DAD
Erm, yes, and I need to...drink something. In the...kitchen.
(then)
Not booze.
(then)
Probably booze.

Timmy's dad hurries away in the opposite direction, leaving Timmy looking crestfallen. Santa quickly gets back into character.

SANTA
Ho, ho, ho! Never mind, Timmy! You know what I like to do in times like these?

TIMMY
What, Santa?

SANTA
Why, call social services, of course! Merry Christmas!

A cheery Christmas song plays as Santa picks up a phone and starts dialling the number and Timmy begins to cry. Fade to black.

THE END

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 4th January 2018, 6:15am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,920 posts

Playfull.
I'm writing a book about Camilla and Diana. It's called Charles' Dickings.

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gappy

  • Thursday 4th January 2018, 8:22am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,027 posts

Truly excellent entries this time, any of which might have been a winner another week. Playfull was very close taking the bays, but my vote goes to Crindy: both excellent observations, worked out with the sort of brutal logic I admire, but it was the line "Yes, yes, I'm aware of your character arc" that made me chuckle out loud, so that swings it

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playfull

  • Thursday 4th January 2018, 8:55am [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,725 posts

Agree a good week. Ho, Ho, Ho,...

Also agree Crindys 'character arc' line was a real stand out line. Michael might have won if he had used the Charles' Dickings gag in his entry. But it is (just) Gappy for me.

And welcome to KatieT.

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Crindy

  • Friday 5th January 2018, 12:11am
  • England
  • 116 posts

Yep. Good week. :) I'll vote Playfull, by a smidge.