British Comedy Guide

Myinkie Bird Contress 24 - 30.11.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 24th November 2017, 7:31pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to ME for winkin'. My prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased. It isn't! I'm jokings.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - me
1 - 5 - Gappy, James

Your next topic is MUSIC.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 30.11.17.

Scorebored is now:
45 - Crindy, Gappy
20 - Otterfox
10 - Zepp, Patrick, me
5 - Playfull, James

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James

  • Saturday 25th November 2017, 1:53pm [Edited]
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

Music

A duet; to be sung to that old cockney favourite "Anyone can fall in love" by Anita Dobson

M
'Oh shit quick it's eastenders
Where's that damn remote
We must switch it over!

F
Well you had it last you knob
Flicking about from channel to channel

One then two
Three then sky
Then back to one and now look what's happened

Quick the cameras panning out
It's about to start
I'm not even joking

M
Oh no look it's Danny Dyer
There's his soppy wife, what show did she star in?

F
Cant recall
She was small
Two kids, a posh and old Honor Blackman

M
Was it called the upper hand -
a housekeeper played by Paul McGanns older brother ?

F
Wow she really looks so old

M
Well to be fair she's pushing late thirties now'

Ends

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 25th November 2017, 6:03pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

ALL I WANK AT CHRISTMAS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY

I do wank a lot at Christmas
I don't bust no clit cherry
I don't dip my wick in pussy
Or blow off and fist Daddy

I just wank off my love bone
Smack one off and punch the clown
Bash my bishop blue
All I want for Christmas is splooge, yeah.

I do spank my shlong for Christmas
I jizz cum, my thing spits skeet
And I don't suck chrome off a tail pipe
Buggery is not for me

I don't need poon tang with socks in
Pissing on my glad face
Camel toe won't make me creampie
Nor will pounding salami

No poon cranks up my wet shlong
Incites cum like just I do
Cakes my dick with spooge
All I want for Christmas is splooge
Goo baby

No, I won't santorum this Christmas
I won't chocolate cha-cha
Cos this fist's gonna masturbate, yeah
Until my fat helmet glows

I won't slake Mom's shit, no bender
Carpet Muncher or Pansy
Will grope like a gay my wank stick
Dear blows my prick? Leave my dick

'Cause I just wank you me with delight
Holding my skin flute so tight
No more can I spew
Baby, all I want for Christmas is goo
Splooge, baby

Oh, all just shag, get stank on, pound punanni pavement
But I pound my Bratwurst till jizz fills the air

And every schlong is jizzing
I clear my smeg balls minging
Twanger, won't you spill smee, my dong's full of skeet?
Pud wrestlin' slings my baby seed

Oh, I still wank my chud all Christmas
Pull my pud until it's sore
I just wank and shake my creamer
Flog the log and crack one off

Oh, I just wank goo like I'm blown
Pour scum, like I never chow
Make my swish come spew
Baby, all I want for Christmas is goo
Goooo

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gappy

  • Sunday 26th November 2017, 4:40pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

GRAMS: SLOWHAND TYPE BLUES GUITAR

VOICE: [GRAVELLY SEMI-SINGING] The first time I met the blues
I said, I'm Dennis.
And the blues said, I'm the blues.
Seemed nice enough, you know. Had a chat.

The second time I met the blues,
I just could not remember his name.
The whole time we were talking I was just racking my brains, but I basically got nothing.
Hardly even heard a word the blues said. I made my excuses.

The third time I met the blues, still nothing. Blank.
It was awkward now, it had gone on too long for me to ask.
I should have done it from the outset, been honest, that second time I'd met the blues, but no chance now.
I got away with it, until Skfifle walks in.
Oh, hey, says Skiffle, who's your friend?
What do you do in that situation?
I wanted the earth to swallow me up.
[PAUSE]
So embarassing.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 28th November 2017, 11:41pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

TO THE TUNE OF 'HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN'

There is a house in Downing Street
They call it number 10
And it's been the home of many wankers
I know, I voted them in

The current PM's a lady
She's called Teresa May
Europe became her Kryptonite
When the people had their say

It was a man called Cameron
A referendum he did call
He was sure that he would win the day
But instead he won f**k all

Oh Mother tell your children
Not to do what May has done
She pissed away her majority
And now her race is run

The Brexit talks have started now
But they have ran into a block
We have to give them all our cash
And Farage's balls and cock

There is a house in Downing Street
They call it number 10
Teresa May's the worst ever PM
At least till Corbyn gets in

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James

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 7:08am
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

Although the song put the image of Nigel Farage'sgenitalia in my mind playfull wins for me this penis

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gappy

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 8:02am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

I think Playfull for me, too. Gosh, your actual satire, it's quite rare here. Luckily a willy kept the BCG flame alive ;)

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playfull

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 12:59pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

It is Gappy for me - nicely odd, but tonally perfect.

I just hope i haven't offended Michael with the use of the words f**k and cock...I know he likes to run a clean comp.

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Firkin

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 6:47pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 867 posts

All good, but Playfull gets it this week.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 6:59pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts
Quote: playfull @ 1st December 2017, 12:59 PM

I just hope i haven't offended Michael with the use of the words f**k and cock.

My ambition is to stop swearing, splitting infinitives and talking about the Spice Girls. It's what I want, what I really really want to f**king do.
Playfulllllllll.

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gappy

  • Saturday 2nd December 2017, 10:18am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: playfull @ 1st December 2017, 12:59 PM

I just hope i haven't offended Michael with the use of the words f**k and cock

Laughing out loudLaughing out loud