British Comedy Guide

Skritcrunp 4 - 11.7.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 4th July 2017, 11:09am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to CRINDY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Crindy
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next subject is MARRIAGE (chiosen by Crindy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 11.7.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Crindy
2 - 20 - Gappy
3 - 10 - me
4 - 5 - Patrick. Otterfox

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 8th July 2017, 9:31am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Since I got married, I only have sex once a year.
Doesn't your husband mind?
No, I don't tell him.

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gappy

  • Monday 10th July 2017, 1:17pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

MERCUTIO: How now, Romeo, where hast thou been?

BENVOLIO: For a sheaf of hours thou hast escaped our company, pray, whither hast thou dallied?

ROMEO: Mercutio, good Benvolio, I visited the ball held by Lord Capulet, as well thou know'st.

MERCUTIO: Aye, but what was the sequel?

BENVOLIO: Marry, methinks he has been tarrying saucily with some fresh harlot.

ROMEO: I...did meet someone, yes. We are to be wed, it is set in the stars.

MERCUTIO: And now the truth will out! Name us now your paramour, sir Romeo.

ROMEO: She is named...Juliet.

MERCUTIO: Woah!

BENVOLIO: Juliet? Not cool.

ROMEO: Hah! This stale enmity betwixt our forbears irks me not! Our marriage shall transpire despite these petty politics.

MERCUTIO: Yeah, I didn't mean that, did I? Isn't she fourteen?

ROMEO: Yes...on Lammas Eve.

MERCUTIO: Thirteen! She's totally thirteen!

BENVOLIO: Dude.

ROMEO: What? It's fine. She totally looks older. She shone like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear.

MERCUTIO: It's not her ear I'm worried about.

BENVOLIO: Dude!

ROMEO: Ah, don't worry, getting married at thirteen's considered acceptable in this era.

MERCUTIO: It's so not! Did you see what she was wearing last night?

ROMEO: Some vestment as alluring as the clouds shrouding the vernal moon.

MERCUTIO: She was wearing her gym kit.

ROMEO: Was she?

MERCUTIO: Course she was! She had her bronze swimming award stitched onto it.

BENVOLIO: Dude!

ROMEO: Yeah? Well...she wore it well. The bronze swimming award stood out like a rich jewel on an Ethiope-

MERCUTIO: Romeo, you've got to drop this, man, otherwise you'll be in serious trouble.

ROMEO: Ah, it's not so bad. If I'm caught, I'll only be banish-ed.

MERCUTIO: Banish-ed? You don't get banish-ed for being a nonce! If you were to stab me now, here on the street, yeah, alright, you might get banish-ed for that, but playing the dirty old uncle? Getting it on with a schoolgirl who's not even got as far as irregular verbs yet? You'll be hang-ed. Or, more likely, you'll be sent to some dank Cypriot jail where you'll be routinely bugger-ed.

BENVOLIO: Arse rap-ed.

ROMEO: I don't want to be arse rap-ed.

MERCUTIO: You've got to break it off, man.

ROMEO: Right. Aha! I have devised a plan to curb this dalliance forthwith: I'll away now to ask my confidant the friar to sneak into her chamber in the thickest night, and intercede on my behalf. He shall create some subterfuge which will extricate me from this dark kiddy fiddlery.

MERCUTIO: Your plan is to send a strangely friendly Catholic priest, who likes to talk about your sex life in detail and has done since you were a child, into the chamber of a minor? I can see a flaw.

ROMEO: Dude...

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Crindy

  • Monday 10th July 2017, 1:49pm
  • England
  • 116 posts

INT. CAVE - DAY

Two cave people, UGG and OGG, stand hand in hand in front of a CAVEMAN MINISTER, rehearsing their wedding day.

MINISTER
Now, Ugg and Ogg, I understand you have some issues with the traditional wedding ceremony?

OGG
It's just, I mean, I don't want to sound like some sort of rabid feminist over all this, but the whole thing feels a bit...regressive.

UGG
I still don't see what your problem is. A man smashing his betrothed around the head with his club and dragging her back to their cave by her hair is a romantic tradition dating back decades in this tribe. Your sister loved her wedding, didn't she?

OGG
My sister can't remember her wedding, on account of the serious head trauma she suffered.

UGG
Well I thought it was a beautiful ceremony. Y'know, once the bleeding stopped.

OGG
All I'm saying is I'd rather not start our lives together as husband and wife suffering from a heavy concussion.

MINISTER
Well, actually, we do have an alternative. We've been batting around these brand new wedding vows and we've been looking for a couple willing to give them a go. Would you be interested?

OGG
There's no possibility of a cranial injury?

MINISTER
I'd say the chances are very slim. All you need to do is repeat the vows as I read them out. I'll start by getting you to say "I, Ogg, take thee, Ugg, to be my husband. For better, for worse--"

UGG
Hang on. What do you mean 'for worse'?

OGG
Yeah, that sounds a bit negative.

MINISTER
Well, you know, we're just saying that you'll stay together no matter what, through the good times and the bad times.

OGG
But why are we specifically referencing the bad times?

UGG
Yeah, I'm not sure I want my wedding day to allude to the fact that a significant proportion of our future together will be crap.

MINISTER
Well, ok, we can come back to that. Then you say: "For richer, for poorer--"

OGG
Why are we gonna be poor all of a sudden?

UGG
We've already bought our first cave!

OGG
Well, part-bought. We own 30%, a complicated series of tribal institutions and financial collectives own the other 70%.

UGG
But that's what we could afford. And even though it's a bit of a backwards way of dealing with the current cave shortage in the more prosperous areas of the valley, I'm sure we'll work out a more intelligent system in the future.

MINISTER
Ok, well 'poorer' here is really just symbolic.

OGG
Symbolic of what?

MINISTER
Erm...we'll come back to that. So, we go on: "In sickness and in--"

UGG
So now we're getting sick?!

MINISTER
It's really just symbolic--

OGG
Again, why are we bringing that up on the happiest day of our lives? Anything else?

MINISTER
Well, we conclude with you saying: "To love, cherish and obey, til death us do part--"

UGG
Why are we bringing up death?!

MINISTER
Well, your life expectancy in this tribe is only 23 years.

UGG
But why draw attention to it?!

OGG
And what do you mean by "obey". Why am I promising to obey him?

MINISTER
Erm, I mean--

UGG
Actually, I don't mind that bit.

OGG
Does he have to promise to obey me?

MINISTER
Well, no. But you can't obey each other. That's a terrible command structure.

OGG
Ok, so your plan is for us to stand in front of our friends and family on the happiest day of our lives and proudly talk about how our marriage is very probably going to be a succession of arguments, disagreements, financial disasters, disease, poverty and eventually death. And I don't even get a say in any of that because I have to obey my husband no matter how angry, destitute or weak and delirious from illness he might get?

MINISTER
Look, we put these together in a council meeting last week, and everyone thought they were spot on.

OGG
Were there any women in this meeting?

MINISTER
Of course. Chief Agg's secretary took down the minutes. So, are we good to go with this?

OGG
Well, I mean, if we're going to have to say all that, we may as well do it the old fashioned way!

MINISTER
Fair enough. It's your funeral.

OGG
No, it's my--

Ugg whacks Ogg around the head with his club. She collapses to the floor. The minister wipes a happy tear from his eye.

MINISTER
Such a beautiful service.

THE END

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gappy

  • Wednesday 12th July 2017, 10:35am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Crindy

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Crindy

  • Wednesday 12th July 2017, 1:25pm
  • England
  • 116 posts

gappy.

And I seem to have broken our run of bumper Skritcrunp entries with this week's topic. Apologies. Huh

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playfull

  • Thursday 13th July 2017, 8:29am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

A couple of very good well worked sketches. Gappy takes this one for me with excellent work in both style and substance.

I was intending to do some rubbish comparing brexit to a marriage breakup - but ran out of time, ideas, steam, ink...