British Comedy Guide

Skitcomp 5 - 13-5.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 5th May 2017, 11:38am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Patrick

Your next subject is FREE TIME.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 13.5.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Gappy
2 - 35 - Playfull
3 - 25 - Patrick
4 - 10 - me

How you doing, tampax? Just hangin' on in there.

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gappy

  • Sunday 7th May 2017, 3:06pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

ROG: How's your first day so far, lad? Gaffer treating you OK?

SAM: Not bad, cheers. This lathe's a bit knackering on the old hands, though, isn't it?

ROG: You get used to it, son. Anyway, you can stop now, leastwise.

SAM: How comes?

ROG: It's lunch. Come on, I'll show you the way.

SAM: Oh, no, no, no, hold your horses. I'm not falling for that one. There's no such thing as a free lunch.

ROG: The lunch isn't free, lad.

SAM: See! Told you.

ROG: No, you have to bring your own lunch. But the time is free: 60 minutes for a rest, maybe a chat or a game of cards, you know.

SAM: Nope, not me. There's no such thing as a free time. Same principle as the lunch.

ROG: Run that past me again.

SAM: When they say free lunch, you just have to pay for it later. So when they tell you, poor misguided fellow that you are, that you're getting free time, you'll pay for it later, mark me.

ROG: How much?

SAM: Well...I don't know, maybe not with money. Like, you'd normally use money to get lunch, so you end using money after a free lunch, and with time...what do you normally use to get time?

ROG: Err, distance and velocity, I suppose. But it's not usually that way round

SAM: Yeah, they'll try to hide it, alright! And, when you have your so-called "free time", what's your velocity and your distance?

ROG: I don't go anywhere, I just sit in the canteen.

SAM: Right! Zero! So they're getting zero from you.

ROG: Yeah, I know, that's the idea.

SAM: They won't get that from me! I'm going to carry on working - in fact, l twice as hard! That'll show 'em.

ROG: Well, if that's what you want, son. It's a free country.

SAM: Is it? Bollocks, I'll have to move.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 8th May 2017, 12:16pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

EDITOR NOTE: This post contains material some readers may find offensive

-

Jane's C**t https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oofSnsGkops

My wife's a-diddlin'

My wife's a-fiddlin'
My wife's a whore
I shaft her bagel
Until it's sore
I slimed me seed in the subway
I been wankin' on the tram
But I don't ooze skeet 'n' fat
Cos I bone her flange

Your poon is full x3
With goo
I spray her face
But the cow won't taste
And I know her twot is cool
But she never eats my tool

Yes she caught my slime
In her vag, butt, eye
Her cun's gleamin with paste that I wazz
Till flaps are dry
But my nad drink? That wild semen's dead
But I splurged my gonads in her butt end

Your poon is full x3
With goo
I spray her face
But the cow won't taste
And I know her twot is cool
But she never eats my tool

Play the skin flute? Get a chew on? Na na na na naa

Your poon is full x3
With goo
Cum pus seed and gravy
In her minge and her ass
When I cough up my lumpy salt spew
But I grime down her face and cooze
Cos she'll never slurp my tool

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Crindy

  • Monday 8th May 2017, 6:24pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 116 posts

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

COLIN(1) stands in front of a mysterious box, covered in buttons and blinking lights. Just before he presses a big red button, there is a FLASH of light and COLIN(2) stands next to him.

COLIN(2)
No! Stop! Don't do it!

COLIN(1)
Who are you?

COLIN(2)
I'm you, from the future! I've come back to warn you: For the love of all humanity, don't press that button!

COLIN(1)
So...it works? My time machine works??

COLIN(2)
Yes, it works. How else do you think I got here? But I implore you, I beg you, don't use it!

COLIN(1)
Why not?

COLIN(2)
Because I know what happens! You start jumping through time, meddling with the past, disrupting the future! It all goes wrong! In my future, the world is a charred, barren, hellish, post-apocalyptic wasteland! Nothing survives! Well, expect for Milton Keynes, that's pretty much the same as it always was.

COLIN(1)
You idiot!

COLIN(2)
What? I'm here to warn you! I'm being nice! Didn't mum always say we should do more for others? Has she said that yet?

COLIN(1)
But have you not heard of causal loops? If I don't use the time machine now, because of your warning, then I'll never have been able to come back in time to give myself the warning in the first place, so I'll end up using the time machine!

COLIN(2)
Oh. Oops. Ah, hang on, I think I can fix this!

Another FLASH. COLIN(3) appears.

COLIN(3)
Ah, perfect!
(to Colin(2))
Listen, I'm here from your future, to warn you not to go back to the past to warn yourself not to travel through time! It sets up a horrible paradox from which there's no escape.

COLIN(2)
Great! Message received! I won't be doing that anytime soon!

COLIN(1)
You've already done that! You're here!

COLIN(2)
Ah, but I only come back to the past in the future, so now I'll remember not to bother.

COLIN(1)
But you're already here in the present! What bit of that aren't you getting?

Another FLASH. COLIN(4) appears.

COLIN(4)
(to Colin(3))
Listen, me, don't bother with that whole plan to warn yourself not to travel back and warn yourself not to travel through time, it's not going to work.

COLIN(3)
Bit late for that.

COLIN(2)
(to Colin(1))
Ah, hang on, I've had an idea! What if I travel back and warn myself not to come back here to warn myself not to come back here?

COLIN(1)
You've already done that! You're over there!

COLIN(4)
Hi! I'm not late am I?

COLIN(2)
You're a bit early, actually. I'd only had the plan after you'd already arrived.

COLIN(4)
Whoopsie. Must have forgotten to re-calibrate for daylight savings.

COLIN(3)
Easy mistake.

COLIN(1)
Look, this is getting me nowhere! And I still don't think we're grasping the core concept of the paradox we're establishing.

Another flash. COLIN(5) appears.

COLIN(5)
Ok, bear with me, this may look like the same plan that hasn't worked three times before--

COLIN(3)
I've got it! What if I go back--

COLIN(1)
It's the same plan that hasn't worked three times before!

COLIN(5)
Ah, no, because this time...oh actually, yeah, it is, isn't it?

COLIN(3)
Can't blame a guy for trying!

COLIN(1)
Great! So now, I've got no choice but to trigger the end of civilisation by using my time machine, because otherwise, how can I possibly come back in time to warn myself not to come back through time to warn myself not to come back through time to warn myself not to come back through time to warn myself not to use the time machine?

COLIN(5)
Tsk. Mondays, eh?

COLIN(4)
Hang on, I think I've figured out how to solve this whole paradox!

Another FLASH. COLIN(6) appears.

COLIN(6)
Problem solved guys, I just killed our grandfather!

The universe EXPLODES.

THE END

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Patrick Robinson

  • Saturday 13th May 2017, 10:52am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Four Freetime Funnies......

Took up coarse fishing: I catch pike, then swear at them.

I started a new hobby of trampolining: it's got It's ups and downs.

Why can't prisoners start hobbies in jail? Lack of free time.

I always watch the +1 version of TV channels, so I build up a spare hour for yesterday.

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playfull

  • Sunday 14th May 2017, 2:29am [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

All good though i felt had to wait until after 9pm to read Michaels.

But it's Crindy for me. Loved it.

I KNOW I HAVE MISSED THE DEADLINE AND SO AM INELLIGABLE - BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD POST MINE ANYWAY AS I HAD WRITTEN THE BLOODY THING.

GOD: (Addressing the angels) And then I looked at my creation and I saw that it was good. Then on the seventh day I rested.

GABRIEL: (aside) Jesus!

JESUS: Yes?

GABRIEL: No, I wasn't talking to you.

MICHAEL: Keep your voice down Gab, he'll hear you. What's the matter with you anyway?

GABRIEL: What, you mean apart from the crushing boredom, the interminable cloud sitting and the endlessly repetitious stories by what I can only describe as 'the beardy guy with Alzheimer's'! Christ!

JESUS: Yes?

MICHAEL: Sorry he wasn't talking to you.

JESUS: Oh...

MICHAEL: Look calm down...remember what happened to the last angel who complained?

GABRIEL: Stan? Yes, he got his own place. (standing) Excuse me God. What happened on the eighth day?

GOD: Is that you Jesus?

JESUS: oh great...

MICHAEL: (Standing) No Lord, Its Gabriel. He was just saying what a great story.

GOD: Yes, it's one of my favourites...

GABRIEL: I was just asking Lord, what did you do on the eighth day?

MICHAEL: (Sitting) That's it mate you are on your own.

GOD: Sorry?

GABRIEL: I mean after your little rest on the seventh day. I was wondering what you did on the eighth day?

GOD: Oh, er...well I er...

GABRIEL: And the ninth day? And the tenth day?

GOD: Well creating the universe and every living creature takes it out of you you know.

GABRIEL: And every day since creation in fact? Only it looks a bit like you have been phoning it in since the first week.

MICHAEL: Here comes the lightning.

GABRIEL: The first few days were storming I'll give you that, but then what? In the 6000 years as documented in the Bible since creation, anything?

GOD: You there (he points at Jesus).

JESUS: (Leaping to his feet) Yes Lord?

GOD: Go and find my son Jesus and ask him to come here.

JESUS: Brilliant...(he slumps back onto his cloud staring at the holes in his hands).

GOD: I sent my only son to save mankind!

GABRIEL: And how did that work out?

GOD: Don't blame me! He takes after his mother.

GABRIEL: Be honest. On the eighth day you were starting to lose interest. On the ninth day you were already getting bored.

GOD: Watch it mate!

MICHAEL: I cant watch (he covers his eyes with his wings).

GABRIEL: You just can't be arsed can you. More people believe in Santa Clause than believe in you!

THERE IS A BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT - THEN WE ARE IN A FIERY HELL

SATAN: (Happy , tipsy and laid back) Wow! I never thought I'd see you here.

CHRIST: Hi Stan.

SATAN: What brings you here man?

CHRIST: My Fathers poor aim.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 14th May 2017, 10:20pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Crindy wins my vote: really enjoyed it.

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gappy

  • Monday 15th May 2017, 9:40am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Crindy for me too.

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Crindy

  • Tuesday 16th May 2017, 10:20am
  • England
  • 116 posts

A very fun week from all, but I'll also go for Gappy. :)

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comedywriter dude

  • Saturday 27th May 2017, 10:04am
  • Australia
  • 225 posts

you dont tel jokes but you post wanking with a prize i'm starting to get on it