British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 11 - 19.4.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 11th April 2017, 10:45am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Patrick

Your next subject is POWER (chosen by Playfull).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 19.4.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Playfull, Gappy
2 - 10 - Patrick

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Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 14th April 2017, 9:17am [Edited]
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Donald Trump.
Donald Trump who?
Donald Trump, the best knocker on doors there has ever been. I knocked on your door in the greatest way. Nobody has ever knocked on your door as well as me. Believe me. By the way, I hate your door. It's beneath me to even knock on it. So beneath me. I hate your door because it's fake. All fake, from the top to the bottom. But if I wanted to knock on your door, I could. I'm not asking, I'm telling. And you would know I knocked. You would so know.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Sean Spicer.
Sean Spicer who?
Sean Spicer who categorically states that President Trump has never knocked on your door, at any stage, nor ever will.

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gappy

  • Saturday 15th April 2017, 4:39pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

HENCHMAN: Morning, Skeletor.

SKELETOR: Hi there, Henchman Number 3. You alright?

HENCHMAN: Yeah, grand, thanks. So, what's on the agenda today?

SKELETOR: Attacking the Masters of the Universe.

HENCHMAN: Ah, should have guessed it, really. Just remind me, why are we attacking them, again?

SKELETOR: To gain control of Castle Grayskull.

HENCHMAN: And we do that because...?

SKELETOR: Castle Grayskull would give us power.

HENCHMAN: And it's currently giving power to the Masters of the Universe?

SKELETOR: That's right. But if we could gain that power, then we would be the Masters of the Universe, and then we'd be unbeatable. Wouldn't you like that, Henchman Number 3?

HENCHMAN: I would. I would like to be unbeatable, yes, but I do question the validity of an approach to becoming unbeatable that involves trying to beat the people who are currently unbeatable to take the thing that makes them unbeatable.

SKELETOR: Right. To be honest, I didn't really follow that, but, rest assured, I shall utilise every option in the universe to gain mastery over the Masters of the Universe.

HENCHMAN: [SIGH] Fine. Shall I go and get the other 19 henchmen?

SKELETOR: No! Nobody could ever imagine gathering all 20 henchmen, Henchman. That would be far, far too expensive. Just go and get Henchman Number 7, Henchman Number 12 and Boba Fett painted a different colour. And get My Little Pony as well - I know she's not very scary, but she's the only mount I have.

HENCHMAN: I'm afraid she won't come. Not after the Sylvanian massacre.

SKELETOR: Ooh, she'll be in trouble when I'm Master of the Universe.

HENCHMAN: Strictly, she's from a different universe, so...

SKELETOR: This is needlessly complicated. I should not have to deal with this! Am I not the mighty Skeletor?

HENCHMAN: Err, to be honest I think you're actually Mumm-Ra.

SKELETOR: Oh, tomayto, tomahto.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 19th April 2017, 4:07pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

I am currently watching 'Jesus Christ Superstar'. It is total and utter shit. I assumed Jesus was a first-century Palestinian religious free thinker, turns out he was actually this blond-haired blue-eyed hippy gay from Abba - as were the Disciples, except one black guy, and whoja get him to play? Wankers. No wonder Andrew Lloyd Webber's full of shit, he can't get Ben Elton's tongue out of his arsehole. Funniest bit is Herod's song: let's take the saddest, most inspiring moment In Christ's Passion and turn it into an Elton-John-meets-Rocky-Horror-meets-another-Elton-John campfest. 'Walk across my swimming pool...' F**k this. I thought Jesus was meant to ALLEVIATE human suffering.

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playfull

  • Wednesday 19th April 2017, 4:18pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

PETER: In here Lord, this way.

JESUS: Who are all these people Peter?

PETER: They are your followers Lord. They are here to see you perform your greatest miracle yet.

JESUS: There are a lot of them and the room is so small.

PETER: They are the meek my Lord and the poor.

FOLLOWER 1: I'm 10 denarii poorer. It better be a bloody good miracle.

JESUS: You charged 10 denarii!

PETER: Yes Lord, but only 5 if you are meek.

FOLLOWER 2: I'm one of the meek.

PETER: Ok, don't go on about it. Over here Lord, he's on the bed. Make way! Let the Saviour through! Christ the redeemer coming through...

JESUS: Redeemer?

PETER: Yes do you like it?

JESUS: No, I have no idea what that even means.

PETER: It's one of Judas' Lord he's brilliant at publicity.

JESUS: That bloody Judas, he will be the death of me.

PETER: Here is Lazarus my Lord.

JESUS: (Aside to Peter) This is your cousin Lazarus?

PETER: Yes Lord.

JESUS: (Aside) Your cousin Lazarus who suffers from narcolepsy?

PETER: Yes Lord.

JESUS: (Aside) He certainly looks dead.

PETER: Yes Lord.

JESUS: (Aside) But he definitely suffers from narcolepsy?

PETER: Well he did.

JESUS: He did?

PETER: He did until that chariot ran over him.

JESUS: Oh God help me!

FOLLOWER 2: Hey everyone he's starting with a prayer!

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gappy

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 9:42am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Liked Playfull's but it's Patrick for me this week. I think he got the voice just right, and I like the way the first punchline goes on for ages.

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playfull

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 3:01pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

All very good & different but i am going for Michael just for his last line.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 3:27pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

All good stuff. Gappy gets my vote: I had one or two of Skeletor's henchmen when I was little. Is that a four way tie?

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gappy

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 6:59pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: playfull @ 20th April 2017, 3:01 PM

All very good & different but i am going for Michael just for his last line.

Yes, that is a good line. Although there was such a mighty typo when I first read it, I thought it was a weird pun I didn't get - I appreciate calling people out on their typing is pot vs kettle in the world series of black. Whistling nnocently

Any passers-by want to break our Mexican stand-off with a vote?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 21st April 2017, 12:11pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Thanks. It was based on an old line, If Live Aid was designed to reduce world suffering, why did they let Phil Collins play twice?
I've been computerless for months hence the haphazard f**k ups. Results coming and I'm not.

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comedywriter dude

  • Saturday 27th May 2017, 10:05am
  • Australia
  • 225 posts

congrats to gappy for wanking