British Comedy Guide

Newsjack rejected sketch - Dry Hard With A Vengence


Mahatma Kane Jeeves

  • Friday 3rd March 2017, 3:51pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 21 posts

Here's a Newsjack reject:

Hotpoint tells tumble dryer owners: unplug faulty machines due to fire risk /


ANGELA: Customers have been told to unplug certain models of tumble dryer due to them having a surprise "burst into flames" cycle. It's a pity they didn't have dryers that burnt your clothes to ashes in the 90s when I was wearing day-glo shell suits and t shirts that changed colour with your armpit heat. However, in this unsafe world, who will save us from radicalised appliances?


VOICEOVER: In a world too lazy to use clotheslines - one man takes a stand...

CHIEF (f): Ok let's have a perimeter set up for 5 blocks. Dammit, we've got a Spinomatic 2000 in there and it's set to extra dry. She could blow at any minute. Where the hell is Whirlpool?

VOICEOVER: John "Whirlpool" Saxon - Tumble Dryer disposal expert. The white knight of white goods.

WHIRLPOOL: Okay, Chief. What have we got?

CHIEF: It's a big one, John. Twelve kilo drum capacity.

VOICEOVER: Just when you thought it was safe to get your pyjamas nice and toasty for bedtime...

CHIEF: Come in, John. What's going on up there, over.

WHIRLPOOL: Ok Chief, I'm removing the filter now, over. Steady, steady...

CHIEF: Careful, John - It's in a student Halls of Residence. I don't think it's been cleaned in months.

WHIRLPOOL: Oh my God, there's fluff everywhere. Oh, the humanity!

VOICEOVER: He works hard, he plays hard, he drys extra soft..

WHIRLPOOL: Hey Mac - Gimme a Lenor Honeysuckle and Jasmine...on the rocks.

VOICEOVER: He lives outside of the rules...

CHIEF: Dammit, John. You invalidated the three year warranty, again.

WHIRLPOOL: A guy like me will never be bounded by terms and conditions!

VOICEOVER: He will spin your world...

WHIRLPOOL: I need a biohazard team here, now! There's a pair of y-fronts stuck in the outlet pipe!

VOICEOVER: a thousand thrills-a-minute.

WHIRLPOOL: Just need to cut the red wire...Ok lady. This dryer has been neutralised.

LADY: Oh thank you, Whirlpool. You saved my whites! How can I ever repay you...

WHIRLPOOL: (accent suddenly gone) Well it'll be 800 for parts and then I charge 90 an hour labour, and since you weren't in when I called yesterday I have to charge you for time wasted and then I had to send away for that special washer...

VOICEOVER: John "Whirlpool" Saxon is back in Dry Hard With a Vengeance. Coming soon to a laundrette near you.




  • Friday 3rd March 2017, 4:10pm
  • England
  • 6,620 posts

Hello! Having read this and another of yours, my critique is that your sketches are pleasant and show a lot of promise, but my advice would be to push the boat out and go crazier with your concepts. Are you attempting to write "in a Newsjack style"? It's understandable if you are, but you might find you'll be more successful if you break free of your preconceptions about what they want...especially since this sort of trailer spoof has been done almost to death now.


Mahatma Kane Jeeves

  • Friday 3rd March 2017, 6:14pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 21 posts

Thanks for the reply.
You're right, Nogget - I was desperate to get on since it was the last show and I tried to write what I thought they wanted.
I also sent a Corbyn sketch called Don Quiorbyn where instead of windmills, he is tilting at the cooling towers of Sellafield. I might post that later. Oddly enough, they did a sketch on Corbyn and bomb defusing, which happened to be my two sketch subjects. I must admit, the Corbyn bomb sketch was better than anything I submitted; it was a good last show.
Despite not even getting close to getting anything on air, I really enjoyed writing stuff for Newsjack and I think it helped my writing. It certainly motivated me. I'll definitely be trying again after the Summer. Next time, I'll try not to write to order so much.
Thanks, Nogget.