- Friday 3rd March 2017, 3:51pm
- United Kingdom
- 21 posts
Here's a Newsjack reject:
Hotpoint tells tumble dryer owners: unplug faulty machines due to fire risk / https://www.theguardian.com/money/2017/feb/22/hotpoint-indesit-tumble-dryers-fire-risk-whirlpool-creda-proline
DRY HARD WITH A VENGEANCE
ANGELA: Customers have been told to unplug certain models of tumble dryer due to them having a surprise "burst into flames" cycle. It's a pity they didn't have dryers that burnt your clothes to ashes in the 90s when I was wearing day-glo shell suits and t shirts that changed colour with your armpit heat. However, in this unsafe world, who will save us from radicalised appliances?
GRAMS: DOOM LADEN HOLLYWOOD FILM MUSIC
FX: U.S POLICE SIRENS
VOICEOVER: In a world too lazy to use clotheslines - one man takes a stand...
CHIEF (f): Ok let's have a perimeter set up for 5 blocks. Dammit, we've got a Spinomatic 2000 in there and it's set to extra dry. She could blow at any minute. Where the hell is Whirlpool?
VOICEOVER: John "Whirlpool" Saxon - Tumble Dryer disposal expert. The white knight of white goods.
WHIRLPOOL: Okay, Chief. What have we got?
CHIEF: It's a big one, John. Twelve kilo drum capacity.
VOICEOVER: Just when you thought it was safe to get your pyjamas nice and toasty for bedtime...
CHIEF: Come in, John. What's going on up there, over.
WHIRLPOOL: Ok Chief, I'm removing the filter now, over. Steady, steady...
CHIEF: Careful, John - It's in a student Halls of Residence. I don't think it's been cleaned in months.
WHIRLPOOL: Oh my God, there's fluff everywhere. Oh, the humanity!
VOICEOVER: He works hard, he plays hard, he drys extra soft..
WHIRLPOOL: Hey Mac - Gimme a Lenor Honeysuckle and Jasmine...on the rocks.
VOICEOVER: He lives outside of the rules...
CHIEF: Dammit, John. You invalidated the three year warranty, again.
WHIRLPOOL: A guy like me will never be bounded by terms and conditions!
VOICEOVER: He will spin your world...
WHIRLPOOL: I need a biohazard team here, now! There's a pair of y-fronts stuck in the outlet pipe!
VOICEOVER: ...at a thousand thrills-a-minute.
WHIRLPOOL: Just need to cut the red wire...Ok lady. This dryer has been neutralised.
LADY: Oh thank you, Whirlpool. You saved my whites! How can I ever repay you...
WHIRLPOOL: (accent suddenly gone) Well it'll be 800 for parts and then I charge 90 an hour labour, and since you weren't in when I called yesterday I have to charge you for time wasted and then I had to send away for that special washer...
VOICEOVER: John "Whirlpool" Saxon is back in Dry Hard With a Vengeance. Coming soon to a laundrette near you.