British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 8 - 16.8.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 8th August 2016, 7:20am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Congratulations to GAPPY and LEE for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy, Lee
Speckled mention: STT, me

Your next subject is GAMESHOWS, chosen by GAPPY.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 16.8.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, Lee

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Lee

  • Monday 8th August 2016, 3:53pm [Edited]
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

START

Here to pitch another game show concept, George?

Yes, how did you know?

Because that's all you ever bring me and I always reject them.

Ah but this time, I have something extra special.

*sigh* Go on...

Well we get Noel Edmonds...

Skip!

But?

Next.

Okay, I have another idea.

Which station?

Channel 4.

Go on...

Naked...

I'm listening.

Alan Carr?

Get out!

Wait.

Quick then.

BBC?

*shakes head*

ITV?

*shakes head*

Channel Fi...

Don't you even dare!

Netflix.

Go on...

Bradley Wuhh...

Be very careful how you finish that...

*hesitant* Wuuhh... Coooooper?

Um, don't think we can afford him, try again.

Sherlock?

He's not even a real person.

Benedict Cumberbatch?

Now you're just making them up.

No, Julian Assange.

No good, he'd leak all the answers.

Face it George, it's over.

But...

I'll tell you what, let's have a look at what you could've won...

*GAME SHOW STYLE V.O* A successful career in television, the admiration of all your peers, millions of pounds from selling your show around the world, an exclusive v.i.p membership into the media's child abuse rings and a speed boat!

Awwh.

Sorry, George. Better luck in the next life.

*CHEESY GAME SHOW STYLE MUSIC PLAYS AS THEY BOTH WAVE INTO THE DISTANCE*

END

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gappy

  • Tuesday 9th August 2016, 7:19pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

PRESENTER: So, let's start the show with our first contestant. Steve, a funny thing happened to you, didn't it?

STEVE: Yes, at a fishing competition.

PRESENTER: Ha ha ha, excellent. So, pick a category.

STEVEL: Films.

PRESENTER: Films it is. Take a look at this list of directors. We asked 100 people which one you wouldn't pick: pick the director that you think most people picked as one that you wouldn't pick?

STEVE: Erm...Kubrick?

PRESENTER: Right, Kubrick. Talk us through that, Steve.

STEVE: [PAUSE] Kubrick is one of the answers on the board.

PRESENTER: It is, but I'm afraid nobody picked it. That's because we showed the people a different list. Janet, you're up next, and I believe a funny thing happened to you in a fishing competition, is that right?

JANET: That's right. It was the same fishing competition as Steve, so it's the same story...although it's a little less funny for me, because it was my mother who was garrotted.

PRESENTER: Oh, hard lines. Pick a category.

JANET: Meta.

PRESENTER: Janet, you chose Meta. We asked 100 people how we could make our quiz more convoluted, did they answer a) against the clock, b) whilst learning to juggle, or c) whilst impersonating The New Seekers and crawling through a kennel?

JANET: Is it all 3?

PRESENTER: Oh, good try, Janet, but I'm afraid it was all 3 *and* playing along online. Bad luck, there. And, Gavin, has anything funny ever happened to you?

GAVIN: My existence has been a thin stream of misery and malediction.

PRESENTER: Oh, tough luck. So, pick a category, Gavin.

GAVIN: Can I have Punchlines, please?

PRESENTER: Oh, dear, Gavin, wrong choice. [PAUSE] Richard?

CO-PRESENTER: Yes. definitely the wrong choice. Definitely.

PRESENTER: [LOMG PAUSE] Definitely.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 12th August 2016, 2:21pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

VEXED FACTOR

TV STUDIO.

SIMON, GIRL and GAY.

SIMON Hi minions, I'm Simon Foul...

GIRL I'm the bit of eye-candy if you're watching pissed on Youtube...

GAY And I'm the biggest Puff since the Magic Dragon.

SIMON Shut up. The first c**testant is a Don...

GAY Mmmmm. University lecture? University lecher, more like.

GIRL And I'll let yer!

SIMON Shut - up. No more than two lines per episode, and I don't mean of speed. Anyway, it's a John - can't read the autocue, er - Lemon?

GAY Mmmm, nice 'n' squeezy!... Sorry Simon.

ENTER JOHN LENNON to ONE PERSON CLAPPING.

JOHN Hi...

GIRL I soon will be! Sorry Simon.

JOHN I'm John Lennon and I used to be in a band called the Beatles...

SIMON, GIRL, GAY WHO?

JOHN And I'll be singing a new ditty. (sings) Imagine there's no Heaven...

SIMON Can I just stop you there? What - was that? You understand we live in a big count...

GAY I don't... Sorry.

SIMON We live in a predominantly Christian country. You can't tell a nation's youth that: there'll be anarchy, chaos and John Lydon.

GIRL, GAY WHO?

JOHN It's easy if you try...

GAY So am I.

SIMON Can I just...? Everything's easy if you try, and if you don't try, it's gets considerably longer and harder...

GIRL (giggles)

JOHN No Hell below us...

SIMON Can I...? I'm sorry, what makes you think Hell is below? I find your grasp of Christian eschatology disturbingly weak. Try Sartre, Hell is all around us. Get a grip, man.

GAY (giggles)

JOHN Above us, only sky.

SIMON Well of course the sky is above us - where else could it be? Except for the sun, that's too busy shining outa my arse.

JOHN Imagine all the people...

SIMON You'd need a bleedin' large imagination for that.

JOHN Living life in peace...

SIMON Mr Lemon, I think you'll find that dreams these days normally involve the use of Cameron Diaz, Cheryl Cole and a shower attachment. Life and peas are rather low on one's list of priorities.

JOHN Ah-ha, a-a-ah...

SIMON Are you okay? Let's cut to the next bit.

JOHN ... And no religion, too.

SIMON EITHER. No religion, EITHER... I'm sorry. Girl and gay?

GIRL No, Simon.

GAY No, Simon.

SIMON It's a democratic vote. Next please...

JOHN leaves. Enter NICKI MINAJ.

NICKI (sings) Beach, beach, let's go to the beach. Beach, beach, let's go to the beach!

SIMON, GIRL and GAY applaud.

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404 Not Found

  • Monday 15th August 2016, 2:58pm [Edited]
  • Stoke on Trent, England
  • 389 posts

[HOST SKIPS DOWN SOME STAIRS IN FRONT OF A BIG VIDEO SCREEN AND STANDS BETWEEN TWO PODIUMS. A MAN IS BEHIND ONE PODIUM AND A WOMAN BEHIND THE OTHER]

HOST:
Hello and welcome to another exciting epsiode of Sing a song of Sixpence, today we have a new challenger, Cliff from Nuneaton is hoping to unseat the reigning champion, Sandra from Guildford.

[HOST WALKS OVER TO THE PODIUM WITH THE MAN CLIFF STANDING BEHIND IT]

HOST:
Hello Cliff, here's your lucky penny,

[HOST HANDS CLIFF AN OVERSIZED 1p COIN]

HOST: You have six questions to increase this to Sixpence, you can gamble as much or as little as you like on each question, and split your coins between answers if you're unsure. In a moment we will reveal your categories, what are you hoping to see on the board.

CLIFF: Well I'm a massive sports fan, so sport would be good.

HOST: Well let's see what we've got for you.

[THE BOARD LIGHTS UP AND A VARIETY OF SUBJECTS FLASH RAPIDLY ON THE SCREEN, EVENTUALLY THE FLASHING SLOWS REVEALING THREE CATEGORIES, ONE OF WHICH IS SPORT]

HOST: Well sport is there, are you going to go for it?

CLIFF: Yes I am.

HOST: Good man, lets reveal the questions and four possible answers.

[THE BOARD FLASHES AGAIN AND THE FOLLOWING QUESTION IS REVEALED:

Who won the 1966 Football World Cup Final:

A: England
B: Germany
C: Stoke City
D: A Pereguine Falcon

[THE HOST REPEATS THE QUESTION]

HOST: So Cliff, any ideas?

CLIFF: Yes, it's England!

[CLIFF PLACES THE OVERSIZED PENNY IN THE "A" SLOT ON HIS PODIUM]

[A VOICE CUTS IN FROM OFF-SCREEN]

DIRECTOR: CUT!!!

[DIRECTOR STRIDES ONTO STAGE]

DIRECTOR: Cliff, remember what we discussed in rehearsal, Don't just give your answer, explain your thinking. We've got half an hour to fill and only a dozen questions. Go through each answer and explain why you're rejecting or choosing that answer.

CLIFF: Oh yes I forgot, sorry.

[DIRECTOR WALKS AWAY AND HOST REPEATS THE QUESTION AGAIN]

CLIFF: Well a pereguine falcon is a bird of prey, so it's not that one. Stoke City are a football team, but only national teams compete in the world cup. Germany were in the final that year but they were beaten by England. The answer is England.

[DIRECTOR] CUT!!!!

[DIRECTOR STRIDES OVER AGAIN]

DIRECTOR: Better, much better, but I need you to seriously consider each answer, pretend you are thinking of choosing each one. Pad it out a little, don't immediately dismiss the wrong ones. Build some tension.

CLIFF: It's an easy question, I'll sound like a knob.

DIRECTOR: No, no, no, it'll sound perfectly natural, trust me.

[DIRECTOR STRIDES AWAY AND HOST REPEATS THE QUESTION FOR A THIRD TIME]

CLIFF: Well... A Peregrine Falcon is very fast, they'd cause problems for any defenders, so maybe it was the falcon. Stoke City have had some great players, It's usally only national teams in the World Cup, but maybe Fifa had different rules back then, so perhaps it was Stoke City. Germany have beaten us a few times on penalties, but was 1966 one of those occasions, hmmm, maybe it was. But... you know I think I remember something about England winning a world cup sometime, was that 1966? I'll take a punt and say that it was. I'll go for England.

[CLIFF PLACES HIS OVERSIZED COIN INTO SLOT A]

[A KLAXON SOUNDS]

HOST: Ah, we all know what that sound means, Sandra is playing her bad-penny bonus!

[HOST TURNS TO SANDRA]

HOST: Finger on your buzzer, the bonuses are about to flash on the screen.

[SANDRA PLACER HER HAND ON A BIG RED BUTTON AS WORDS RAPIDLY FLASH ON THE SCREEN, SHE PRESSES THE BUTTON AND THE WORDS "QUESTION SWAP" FILL THE BIG SCREEN]

HOST: Let's swap the quesssstionnnn!

THE BOARD LIGHTS UP WITH THE ORIGINAL QUESTION AND ANSWERS, THE QUESTION DISSAPEARS BUT THE FOUR ANSWERS REMAIN. THE QUESTION IS REPLACED WITH THE FOLLOWING NEW QUESTION:

"What is the worlds fastest bird of prey?"

HOST: Cliff has his answer locked in as A: England, you have a free choice of the remaining three answers, for the new question, What is the worlds fastest bird of prey? what do you think Sandra?

SANDRA: I'm going for D: Peregrine Falcon

[SANDRA PLACES AN OVERSIZED PENNY FROM HER PILE INTO SLOT D ON HER PODIUM]

HOST: Let's see if you're right.

[ANSWER D PEREGRINE FALCON LIGHTS UP GREEN]

HOST: Well done Sandra, you win the question and steal Cliff's penny.

[HOST GRABS THE PENNY FROM CLIFFS PODIUM]

HOST: Bad luck there Cliff, you're out of the game!

CLIFF: [THROWING HIS ARMS IN THE AIR] What The F...

DIRECTOR: [INTERUPTING] CUT!

{End}

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gappy

  • Wednesday 17th August 2016, 8:43am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Tough decision this week between 404, who explores one niggle very thoroughly, and Michael, who sprays gags all over the place (some of them are trad. arr., but I don't mind that).

It's very close, but I'm going to go for 404, just because I really like the mechanics of the fictional show, it's depressingly believable.

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Lee

  • Wednesday 17th August 2016, 6:10pm
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

404 come on down!

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404 Not Found

  • Wednesday 17th August 2016, 7:20pm
  • Stoke on Trent, England
  • 389 posts

This week I'll be awarding the Brucey Bonus to......

Gappy

Didn't he do well.