British Comedy Guide

Sketch Sketch

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Saturday 30th July 2016, 1:22pm
  • England
  • 705 posts

Here's a radio sketch I wrote years ago. I think it's OK (not great, not terrible) but I might be the only person who can stand it. Looking forward to your thoughts (and death threats).

Written because there were no other police-sketch-artist sketches in existence:

POLICEMAN: Now I know with all the negative emotions associated with the break-in it might hard to describe the assailant fully, but please if you could just- just try, hopefully I'll be able to sketch out an accurate mugshot the whole force can use.

MISS STONE: OK. I think... I think I have a clear image in my head now.

F/X: TURNING PAGE IN SKETCH BOOK.

POLICEMAN: OK. Great. Let's start with the jaw.

MISS STONE: Well, er... I guess... Square jaw. Was quite prominent.

F/X: SKETCHING ON PAD.

POLICEMAN: Prominent. Right. Like, er, say... Like this?

MISS STONE: No. That's- More than that.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, but... What I drew there looks pretty good, doesn't it? I mean... quite artistic.

MISS STONE: Err... Well it... it looks like a jaw.

POLICEMAN: Hmm. Anyway, hair?

MISS STONE: Right. Well, there was lots of it. It was-

F/X: SKETCHING ON PAD.

POLICEMAN: That's fine, think I got it. Like this?

MISS STONE: No.

POLICEMAN: Ah, well, doesn't matter really. What I did there looks really pleasing to the eye, I think. Yeah.

MISS STONE: Yeah, but... maybe I should have been more clear with my words. When I said he had lots of hair, I meant- well... he wasn't bald.

POLICEMAN: Look, you've been under a lot of pressure recently. It's giving you a mental block as to what this guy looks like. It's OK. We'll just move on for now. Now the eyes. I know you probably can't remember what colour they were.

MISS STONE: Blue.

F/X: SKETCHING ON PAD.

POLICEMAN: I see. But when you say blue, do you mean blue as in they were brown?

MISS STONE: No, no, I mean blue as in blue.

F/X: SKETCHING ON PAD.

POLICEMAN: Right. But when you say blue, do you mean he had a tattoo of an anchor on his forehead?

MISS STONE: Er, no. Now listen-

POLICEMAN: Look, this is just a first draft, all right. Just want to get a rough outline down for now, 'kay. We don't need to get too specific... So... did the assailant look exactly like my neighbour, Trevor?

F/X: SKETCHING ON PAD.

MISS STONE: What? Trevor? I don't know what he looks like.

POLICEMAN: Kind of plain jaw, completely receded hairline, eyes a kind of dark mud-type colour, tattoo above his eyes, broke my birdbath and won't admit to it. Oh my God! That is exactly the kind of person you've described here!

MISS STONE: Wha- No it isn't!

POLICEMAN: Miss Stone, what you're doing here is very important and you need to go along with it. It's the only way we can sure that git who broke my birdbath - I mean, burgled your house - goes behind bars where he belongs.

MISS STONE: OK, I'm not participating with this.

F/X: CHAIR SCRAPING ACROSS FLOOR. MISS STONE WALKS AWAY. DOOR OPENING.

MISS STONE: Sergeant, I wish to complain about your sketch artist.

POLICEWOMAN: Which one?

MISS STONE: Well, I didn't catch his name, but he has black hair, looks quite bulky-

POLICEWOMAN: Oh, the blonde thin one who flirts with my husband. Yeah, let's get her in trouble.

END

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sootyj

  • Sunday 31st July 2016, 7:17am
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

I like your stuff and in many ways this is a good skit, strong characters, well defined and life like dialogue.

But the dodgy sketch artist is an ancient comedy trope and you're not doing anything new with it.

Also you go straight for the joke so we're just waiting around for the punchline, which was a bit predictable.

So erm you've written better.

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Sunday 31st July 2016, 8:53am
  • England
  • 705 posts

Thanks Sootyj

Yeah, I really can't defend the fact that I've written a sketch on such an overused set-up. This might be a sketch for the bin.

Oh well. Will write more sketches in the future (though I keep saying I'll stop writing them).

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gappy

  • Sunday 31st July 2016, 3:26pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

Like Sooty says, it's well done, but it's front-loaded, we're really just wheel-spinning once we know where the artist is coming from.