British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 26.7 - 4.8.16

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 26th July 2016, 12:51pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Congratulations to GAPPY for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Lee

Your next subject is WE'RE OUT OF MILK (in the words of yoghurt), chosen by LEE.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 4.8.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 50 - Gappy
2 - 30 - me
3 - 15 - Otterfox, Lee
4 - 5 - Darren Hoskins

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 27th July 2016, 4:14pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

It is with the utmost sadness I announce I must abandon FB as I can no longer bear these shock revelations destroying my illusions. Yes, my faith, belief and delusions have been mercilessly shattered as I discover to my dismay:
1. Fast food is unhealthy... I just assumed a quadruple big McWhopper with added mayo, ketchup and Ronald's jizz is the healthiest, most ethical option around. What am I like?
2, Politicians are corrupt... Signor Berlusconi always inspired me with his integrity, altruism and respectability - one expects nothing less than greatness from the fellow whose contribution to the country of Fellini, Danté and Michelangelo comprises 2 wankworthy gameshows and getting 'bunga bunga' into the dicktionarty. Fiddling while Rome burned.
3. Melania Trump uses a ghostwriter... Again, one would demand better from a girl who could bone any guy in the universe and instead chooses to have Trump hump spunk on her lady lumps. Just when she thought she was out of milk...
4. A 2016 retro argues Posh's acting in 'Spiceworld' is not very good... This is my favourite. I can only console myself with the fervent prayer it means 'not quite as good as her singing': how can you improve on perfection?... Bitch can't sing, why would she learn to act?
5. Drugs cause dependence... Yes they do. They're drugs, not door handles.
After these stunning revelations my only lifeline is that Melanie C will answer my 76429549th letter. I am willing to travel and provide the shower attachment. Goodbye, cruel FB.
PS Donald Trump.

Avatar

SSTT

  • Thursday 28th July 2016, 11:42am [Edited]
  • Southampton, England
  • 1,548 posts

INTERIOR: A GENERIC 9'x6' KITCHEN IN A U.K. SUBURBAN NEW-BUILD FLAT. A 30-SOMETHING MIXED-GENDER COUPLE IS SITTING AT A SMALL TABLE.

THE MAN IS STARING AT A LAPTOP SCREEN - WHICH READS:

"THE INSIDIOUS CREEPAGE OF U.S. ENGLISH"

Starring Matt Damon as Graham Norton.

Award-winning soundtrack, containing the smash hits:

"You wanna go see a movie?"
"Don't you just hate on people who hate on you?"
"I just trod on a bug!"
"Let's start over.."

..plus - the unforgettable..

"..take a shower."

..the execrable..

"Let's swap out that one for that one."

..and the unpalatable..

"We're out of milk.."

THE MAN IS REMINDED OF SOMETHING.

MAN:
We've run out of cornflakes.

WOMAN:
Have you looked in the cupboard?

MAN:
No.

THE WOMAN STANDS UP, OPENS THE CUPBOARD, TAKES OUT A BOX OF CORNFLAKES, PUTS IT ON THE TABLE AND SITS BACK DOWN.

MAN:
We've run out of sugar.

WOMAN:
Have you looked on the shelf?

MAN:
No.

THE WOMAN STANDS UP, GOES OVER TO A KITCHEN SHELF, PICKS UP A SUGAR BOWL, PUTS IT ON THE TABLE AND SITS BACK DOWN.

MAN:
We've run out of milk - and before you say anything, yes, I have looked in the fridge.

WOMAN:
Have you looked in the freezer?

MAN:
And why would I look in the freezer?

WOMAN:
You can freeze milk, you know.

THE MAN STARES UNCOMPREHENDINGLY AT HIS PARTNER.

THE WOMAN STANDS UP, GOES TO THE FREEZER AND TAKES OUT A TWO-PINT PLASTIC BOTTLE OF FROZEN MILK. SHE DEPOSITS IT ON THE TABLE AND SITS BACK DOWN.

WOMAN:
The microwave's over there.

THE MAN LOOKS IN PUZZLEMENT AT THE MILK, THEN AT THE MICROWAVE AND THEN AT HIS PARTNER.

THE WOMAN STANDS UP, PICKS UP THE PLASTIC BOTTLE AND GOES TO THE MICROWAVE, BUT SHE PAUSES BEHIND HER PARTNER. SHE LOOKS AT THE TWO-PINTER IN HER HAND AND THEN AT THE BACK OF HER PARTNER'S HEAD.

A STEELY GLINT COMES OVER HER EYE.

FADE

Avatar

Yacob Wingnut

  • Saturday 30th July 2016, 1:38pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 705 posts

Are we meant to critique things in the comp thread? (apologies if we're not)

SSTT's sketch: I thought this was way too long, the script included far too much unimportant detail and the punch-line wasn't really a punch-line. Sorry.

Avatar

gappy

  • Monday 1st August 2016, 7:45pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

I'd say you certainly can critique things in the comp, but best to wait until the deadline has passed. But, hey, that gives you time to write your own entry, perhaps, we need more players Cool

...

NADINE: We're out of milk!

GRANT: Oh. Well, I can get some more if you-

NADINE: No, we're out of milk! That's our new slogan.

PAUL: We're out of milk?

NADINE: Yeah! Already feels good, doesn't it? Feels right in your mouth, doesn't it? Fits there all rich and nourishing like...

GRANT: Milk?

NADINE: No! Not milk! Like anything that isn't milk! What this slogan is saying, gentlemen, is that we are branching out, we are leaving the workaday world behind. The predictable? Goodbye! The generic? See ya, Nora! Non-headf**k anti-pant-wetting normaliyawn? Hasta la Bicester! We, quite literally, no longer have any milk.

GRANT: Nadine, we're a dairy.

NADINE: We're not just a dairy, Grant.

GRANT: No, we also sell eggs.

NADINE: Not any more we don't. We're thinking outside the eggbox, we're cogitating beyond the carton.

PAUL: Nadine, can I just check, this is your monthly brainwave to revolutionise our family dairy, isn't it?

NADINE: Correcticus!

PAUL: And the latest idea is, stop selling any milk?

NADINE: No. The idea is stop selling milk and eggs. Because people will expect that.

GRANT: On this front we agree. So what will we sell?

NADINE: That's a secret.

PAUL: Is that going to work, I wonder?

NADINE: You want to win a market portion in today's blipvert clickbait chop suey world, you have to be mysterious. Inscrutable. Fascinatingly, beautifully enigmatic - like the Mona Lisa.

GRANT: It's certainly true that she won't sell you any semi-skimmed.

NADINE: No, but what does she do? She confounds, she intrigues. She asks so many questions: is she smiling? Is she not smiling?

GRANT: Technically that's one question.
NADINE: Yeah! And what's the answer?

PAUL: "A bit"?

NADINE: Yes! So, maybe, we sell milk...a bit! But also, let's sell something new. From the chickens. That isn't eggs. Or chicken.

PAUL: Any specific ideas on that topic, Nadine?

NADINE: Could we, err, extrude some substance from their beaks?

PAUL: Not really.

NADINE: Right. And would the world be ready for a bowl of feather brek?

GRANT: I doubt it.

NADINE: Oh. [PAUSE] Can you milk them?

GRANT: Definitely not. But you can milk cows.

NADINE: What? Get away! That's mental!

PAUL: Is it?

NADINE: I knew you'd get into my mindset, Paul. Milking a cow! How do you come up with this googly-boogly stuff?

PAUL: I, err, don't know.

NADINE: Who gives a gobble? We'll do it! From now on we only get our milk from [SNIGGER] cows. Let's celebrate this idea! I'll make a coffee. Oh. No that won't work because-

PAUL & GRANT: We're out of milk!

NADINE: No, that's fine, we have lots of milk, as you might expect. But we've not got any sugar. Never mind, I'll get some. I'll just nip off and wring out some badgers...

Avatar

Lee

  • Wednesday 3rd August 2016, 10:24am
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

START

How do you like your coffee, black or white?

White please.

Sorry, we're out of milk.

Then why'd you ask?

I... don't... know?

Do you have any cream?

We've got ice cream.

I'll pass thanks. Just a cup of tea, please.

Black or white?

You have just said you're out of milk?

No sir, you asked for a cup of tea.

Rolling eyes

I'll have a cup of tea, with no milk, an Earl Grey if possible?

We only do black or white, not grey.

It's a type of tea. Whatever, can you just bring me a glass of water? Thank you.

Black or white?

Neither! Clear! Transparent?!

Okay sir, anything else?

Yeah, can I have one of those cookies?

Certainly, and it comes with a free glass of milk.

So it comes with a free empty glass?

No, we have milk for cookies, just not for tea or coffee.

Arrgghhhhhh!!!!

END

Avatar

gappy

  • Friday 5th August 2016, 9:59am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

I like where Michael goes with his, but the milk element is peripheral, at best. SSTT's opening is great, and the "man-look" concept is strong, but it does fizzle away a bit. So, my vote goes to Lee, once again, I have been in too many cafes like this.

PS, I've seen people put "END" at the bottom of scripts, but I've never seen a "START" before :)

Avatar

Shirl the Whirl

  • Friday 5th August 2016, 9:55pm
  • England
  • 199 posts

Gappy. "We're thinking outside the eggbox, we're cogitating beyond the carton." Brilliant.

Must also add - great subject this week.

Avatar

Lee

  • Sunday 7th August 2016, 10:27am
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

I liked my Start and End bit too, frankly the best bit about my nonsensical sketch, which I knocked up in a rush to enter.

Anyway, it's all about the Gappy for me.

Avatar

gappy

  • Sunday 7th August 2016, 11:01pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 5th August 2016, 12:38 PM

Start.
Lee.
End.

Laughing out loud