British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 15 - 23.7.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 15th July 2016, 7:02am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Congratulations to LEE for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Lee
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next subject is open. Yes.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 23.7.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Gappy
2 - 30 - me
3 - 15 - Otterfox
4 - 10 - Lee
5 - 5 - Darren Hoskins

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 18th July 2016, 11:49am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

THE SPICE IS RIGHT

by Michael Monkhouse

Spice Girls Gggggeri, Eeeeemma and Mmmmmel B return as GEM. I wonder how long it'll take Spice Girls fans to work that out... It's like how every review of 'The Beatles' LP says, It became known as The White Album - and then feel the need to point out why. I think I'da got there myself. The Green Ferret, anyone? Anyway...

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, to sing really 'Wannabe'.

So tell me what you want, to sing really 'Stop' to me.

I'll tell you what I want, to sing really 'Step to me'.

So tell me what you want, Baby, Mel B and Geri

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really want that Melanie C.

If you want the future, you'll get the past.

If you wanna get new stuff, stuff it up your ass.

Spice Girls, no Mel C? That's such a crime.

Put old tracks together all the bleedin' time.

I'll tell you what I want, or we are not worth a wank

So tell me what you want, or I may as well just wank

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really want Mel in the ranks.

If we wanna be the Spice Girls, we gotta get Sporty in,

Shit won't last forever, girl where have you been?

If we wanna 'Viva Forever', we have got to give

Give her bucks for 'Holler' or right away we'll fizz.

So don't you think you're a twat?

'Move Over' - how'd that feel?

Say you can handle that track, are you for real?

I was too hasty, it ain't worth a try.

No Mel C? You're buggered, it'll sound just shite.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, to sing 'Mama' and 'Goodbye'.

So tell me what you want, to sing 'Spice Right Up Your Life'.

I'll tell you what I want, to sing all 'Spiceworld' and 'Spice'

So tell me what you want, to sing 'Holler' and 'Headlines'

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really want that Sporty Spice.

If we wanna be the Spice Girls, we need Mel or no one cares.

F**k this past forever, Mel, 'Say You'll be There'.

If we wanna do Hammersmith, we have got to live,

Singing live? That's bullshit. There's no way to skive.

So we're just whory without Mel C,
We are all ghets like me,

No one can listen to this smee

We got Em, pretty face but her voice is a disgrace

Ms Geri's tits for free but sings like Jack Dee

And Mel B, nice bum and teeth, but her singing? Jeez,

So please Mel C, please please please...

'Baby Come Around', or up shit creek we're bound

Bring your body down and earn us all a pound.

If we wanna be the Spice Girls, and do 'Two Become One' again,

'Who Do You Think You Are?' or 'Friendship Never Ends',

'Something Kinda Funny', there's f**k all left to give,

It seemed too f**king easy cos that's the way we swizz.

If we wanna be the Spice Girls

We're f**ked up, we've f**ked up

'Let Love Lead The Way', oh Christ, how did that sound?

'Stop Right Now, thank you', that's shite, no Mel C around.

Get your body down here, Melanie Sir.

It's OK... Victoria's back.

Oh f**k off.

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gappy

  • Monday 18th July 2016, 1:41pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

DOCTOR: Come in, come in, what seems to be the trouble?

PATIENT: Well, I have a little bit of an infection in my big toenail, I think.

DOCTOR: Pop your sock off, then, and we'll have a look. Mmmmn hmmm, yes, a fungal
infection. We'll have to have it off.

PATIENT: What?!

DOCTOR: Sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but we'd best amputate the foot.

PATIENT: Oh, that's OK! I thought you meant something else.

DOCTOR: In fact, we'd best take off the whole leg.

PATIENT: Whatever you say, doc. You know, the funny thing is, when you said "Have it off", I
didn't think you meant amputate my leg -

DOCTOR: Better make it both, to be on the safe side.

PATIENT: Fine, sure. But I thought you meant that we should have sex.

DOCTOR: God, no! That would be completely irresponsible, a terrible breach of the doctor-
patient relationship.

PATIENT: That's what I thought.

DOCTOR: Indeed. If you're interested, I have a website that's very informative on that topic.

PATIENT: Oh, that sounds intriguing. I guess I'll have a lot of time to read soon, because I'll have
to give up the cycle courier biz.

DOCTOR: Well, why not take a look, if you're interested in medical ethics. It's called My Patients,
Their Names, Ailments and Bank Details dot com [long pause] backslash punchline.

PATIENT: You should have cut that last bit.

DOCTOR: Oh, the irony.

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Lee

  • Monday 18th July 2016, 2:07pm
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

MARY: George, what y'doin?

GEORGE: I'm digging an'ole, Mary.

MARY: But why?

GEORGE: To see what's at t'bottom.

MARY: Oh, well how long will that take?

GEORGE: I'll be done, when I get t'bottom.

MARY: So what are you gonna do when you're finished?

GEORGE: I'm gonna fill it again.

MARY: Well what's the point in that?

GEORGE: Rolling eyes To see how much I can fill it with.

MARY: Oh...

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gappy

  • Sunday 24th July 2016, 9:45am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Tough call, but Lee this week.

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Lee

  • Sunday 24th July 2016, 1:43pm
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

I vote Lee too, ehhh, I mean gappy!