British Comedy Guide

Skit comp 21.6 - 29.6.16

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 21st June 2016, 10:52am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Congratulations to GAPPY and rewinking. PMs, subjects, wanks etc.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Darren

Your next subject is MARKETS (chosen by Gappy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Spanish mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 29.6.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Gappy
2 - 20 - me
3 - 15 - Otterfox
4 - 5 - Darren Hoskins

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 23rd June 2016, 7:43pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

FARTY POLITICAL

When I'm Prime Minister - if Berlusconi can do it, so can I... Incidentally I thought it was great when Italians said, I won't vote for Beppe Grillo, I don't want a clown running the country. Bit o' bungs bunga more yer thing eh? Actually I did a show and said, Berlusconi that f**king little f**king f**ker... Afterwards an old woman with three kids came up and said, Can you please stop saying that word, Berlusconi? That f**king f**ker. He was the prime representative of a country, that sentence also works without the last syllable. Cos I can't say c**t either. Oh yeah, Cameron bangs a virgin. Brex it. Bit topical that. Like new show where Angelina Jolie's hubbie has his first anal. Breaking Brad.
Yeah, so in the words of Oscar Wilde, get yer laughing gear round this yer wankers:
1. Karate is obligatory at all schools. They teach you all this shit about the bear on the hypeandthenoose, macho Greek heroes wearing gay winged slippers, reading / writing / arithmetic all start with a f**king R, what good's that when a mentally deranged rapist or other member of the church is coming at you with an axe and a cricket bat with barbed wire round it at 7.48 a.m. in a disused bog in Chelsea? Whatcha gonna do, recite the Latin subjunctive deponent aorist tense at him?
2. Anyone who goes into a restaurant and doesn't eat the food but takes a photo of it is guilty under the stupid dickrash act of 2016. If you then post said photo on Facebook you are further guilty under the stupid dickstain of 2017 act. If you encorage this disgraceful behaviour by writing 'Stop it, it's making me hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' your dick will be served at said restaurant. And if you 'like' it, you're a c**t.
3. Anyone who STILL quotes Blackadder has to suck off Rowan Atkinson. And if you quote it AND pretend it was your own spontaneous wit, you have to swallow it too. One swallow does not make a Summer, but it does make you shut up about f**king Blackadder.
4. If a rock star dies, you may only pay tribute if you can prove you actually listened to the f**ker at least once in the previous decade, or be punishable under the hypocritical wanker act of 2018. Same goes for fottballers, actors and Catholics. I mean, where will it end? 'I was like totally gutted when Pol Pot died. I mean, he was like ONLY my favourite EVER Cambodian totalitarian fscistic dictator forcing urban dwellers to the countryside and work on brutal, unjustifiable forced labor projects which combined with. executions, strenuous working conditions, malnutrition and poor medical care caused the deaths of approximately 25 percent of the Cambodian population... RIP Pol. Loves yer babes.' (Subclause: If a ''''''''''friend'''''''''' on FB says he's on TV, you may only 'like' and comment if you can demonstrate you gave a f**k about its existence when let's be honest, he could've got crushed by a flying gnu in Stoke on a December moring for all you care. Refer to hypocritical, opportunist wanker act of 2018b.)
5. Pornography should be not only acceptable but compulsory between the ages of 13 and 17. If teens got proper stroke lit to sling their yoghurt to, they'd stop buying shitty useless pop DVDs, and Miley Cyrus would retire. And women who are prepared to give 100% would get the money and respect they deserve. F**k misogynistic tabloids, telly and posters, give the kids everything or nothing.
6. If a teacher makes a mistake and a kid points it out, the teacher says, Yes, sorry. Under no circumstances may he say, I stand corrected, or - even worse - Yes, I was just testing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or the kid may sell him to Rumanian cannibals on Ebay. Or Catholics.
7. Melanie C has to sit on my face. Because I say so. I'm so sick of all this, My dream is to work as an accountant in an English-spaking multinational. Yeah, my dream is my favourite Spice Girl dribbles up my nose, you boring bastard.

Avatar

gappy

  • Tuesday 28th June 2016, 7:02pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

ARAB: [Do the voice - it's integral, and it's not racist, so just do it] My friend, you appear troubled.

CLIVE: [Posh 1920s type] Quite so, my man. Yesterday I procured this petrified scorpion's tail from a trader on this very spot. Today, on wishing to discuss my purchase with the man, I find his business...[Mysterious] is no longer here!!

ARAB: Market is on Wednesdays only.

CLIVE: Oh, right. He won't be back till next week, then?

ARAB: That's right, effendi. Sometimes the farmers sell their cheese on a Monday. But this is not cheese.

CLIVE: No. By Jupiter, I wish I could find that infernal trader! I wish to speak to him urgently.

ARAB: Aha, is your scorpion's tail, perhaps, curs-ed?

CLIVE: No. I just wanted to say that it is the best petrified scorpion's tail I've ever had. I wanted to see if I could get one for my cousin.

ARAB: They do do good scorpion tails here. It is in the guide book and everything.

CLIVE: Yes. Also, he sold me a bag of stuffed camel phalluses, which were excellent value.

ARAB: Always a good price, my friend. Always.

VOICEOVER: [English, and in a local radio ad style] For unbeatable value, and award-winning local cheese, come to Baghdad market, every Wednesday, from eight AM. Get there quickly, before those camel cocks [Cheap reverb effect] sell out! [Really quickly, low] Cheese only available on Mondays. Some items may carry the curse of King Neppumuk. [Reverby and shouted] Camel's cocks!

Avatar

gappy

  • Thursday 30th June 2016, 8:41am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Another quiet one Teary

Well, I vote for Michael...