British Comedy Guide

The Carpenter

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Lee

  • Friday 3rd June 2016, 1:08pm
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,346 posts

*doorbell*

J.C:
Hi, I'm here about the decking you wanted doing?

Customer:
Jesus Christ!

J.C:
Yeah that's right.

Customer:
Great, great. Come in, I'll pop the kettle on!

J.C:
Thanks...

*they both stand in the garden holding a cuppa, accessing the area for the new decking*

Customer:
So how long have you been in the carpentry game then?

J.C:
Quite a while, I took a bit of time of but y'know it's something I thought I'd get back into.

Customer:
Have you had many jobs around here?

J.C:
No, I haven't really done anything since I was back in Nazareth.

Customer:
That's just outside Burley isn't it?

J.C:
Uuuuh, yeah I think so...

Customer:
Are you still in the religious trade?

J.C:
I dabble.

*they both take a sip of their tea*

J.C:
Oh did I already mention, during construction, I tend to use glue rather than nails?

Customer:
Oh yeah, perfectly understandable... Oh speaking of which, Margret, the wife, she suffers from a bit of stigmata occasionally.

J.C:
Really?

Customer:
Not stigmata, I mean cystitis!

J.C:
Oh ok, yeah that makes more sense.

*customer downs his tea*

Customer:
Did you want another one?

*J.C nods*

*several hours later*

*customer returns to see the completed work*

Customer:
What's this?

J.C:
Is it not right?

Customer:
Well it's not what I had in mind.

J.C:
I can change it, if you want?

Customer:
I'm not sure it would do much good. Is this an ark?

J.C:
Yes, is that not right?

Customer:
No, I said an arch, like a frame to go over the steps on the decking.

J.C:
Oh. Right. Sorry!

Customer:
That's fine.

J.C:
I did think it strange that you asked for an ark but then I did notice you had a pond.

Customer:
I mean it would be a shame to deconstruct it.

J.C:
Do you have two of every animal?

Customer:
We've got a cat and a dog?

J.C:
It's a start?

Customer:
Yeah...

J.C:
I suppose I could call my Dad, see if he's planning on wiping out the human race again?

Customer:
If you wouldn't mind? But we're having a BBQ on Saturday, hence the decking. So if he could make it Sunday?

J.C:
He doesn't work Sundays.

Customer:
Oh yeah. Well Monday's fine for me too. But I still should probably have a word with the wife?

J.C:
Oh of course, I can take it back with me for now, I'll just have to rearrange my donkey around.

Customer:
If that's okay.

J.C:
I'll have to take it through the house, to the front door, is that okay?

Customer:
Yeah that's fine, if you wouldn't mind taking your sandals off?

J.C:
Yeah of course.