British Comedy Guide

Spoof news article

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playfull

  • Friday 11th March 2016, 9:13am [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

I submitted this to 'News Thump' but it did not get used - so I thought I would post here. Any critique would be most helpful/welcome.

DAVID IKE CLAIMS LEICESTER CITY COULD WIN PREMIERSHIP!

Crazy purple shell suited David Ike is at it again. Yesterday he astounded the footballing world when he claimed his old team Leicester City might actually win the premiership.

This claim is even more astounding when you consider that the clubs highest ever league finish was second place in the 1928-29 season. Well known ex Leicester City and England player Garry Linaker said, I might wear blue blinkers and have ears like the FA cup but even I wouldn't dare to think a little club like Leicester stood a chance of finishing top of the Premiership.

The self-proclaimed 'son of god' made his fantastic prediction at the launch of his new book, in which he claims that not only is the Queen a shape shifting lizard, but that prince's Harry and William are interdimensional rabbits, and Prince Philip is a racist Bigot.

An FA spokesman said they get all sorts of crazy predictions about who will win the premiership but this one was one of the craziest he had ever heard. After checking that Leicester City were actually in the Premiership he said, "Leicester to win the Premiership? Let's see what Chelsea, Man U and Liverpool would have to say about that!" When asked where Leicester was he said he thought they were in the North somewhere or possibly in Norfolk.

Loveable Leicester City Manager Claudio Ranieri refused to comment on Ike's amazing claim, and went on to talk about football in such a nice gentle way with his soft engaging Italian accent that our reporter fell asleep...

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sootyj

  • Friday 11th March 2016, 1:15pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

Not bad at all, guess there was a lot of competition.

here's my latest unsuccesful attempts.

David Cameron to cut his own mum.

In a surprise move, David Cameron has not only closed the youth centre where she was volunteering but has cut his mother by over 70%. A Downing Street spokesperson released the following statement;
"Since graduating from 10 loveless years raised by bullies at Eton, the prime minister has decided that he no longer requires a full mother. He will be reducing the current extravagant complete mother by 70%; it will help Britain's growing economy."
It's understood the full Cameron mother was introduced under a Labour government.
Speaking to Mrs Cameron's friend Ethel, she observed,
"Well, I hope he doesn't actually chop any bits off of her, maybe just replace her with a midget like that one who got all the golds in the Paralympics."
Mrs Cameron's other friend Gladys added,
"I hope they're just reshuffling her maybe to being that Iain Duncan Smith's stern granny. He looks like he needs someone to give him a clip around the ear."
A surprise supporter of this move proved to be second in Line to the Throne Prince Charles.
The aging future king felt that the current queen could be reduced by at least 10% mostly above the neck.

Labour party reluctantly rejects Hitlers decapitated head's membership bid.

Further embarrassment for the Labour Party after its National Executive Committee approved then rejected, the decapitated head of Adolf Hitler for membership. The head had been living in a jar of viscous fluid in a secret colony of mad scientists, loyal Nazis, abominations of science and expat UKIP members. After being rescued from the Fuehrer Bunker at the end of World War 2.
"How on Earth did this happen? We want in no way to be associated with these crazed, lunatics who want to bring the hell of the 1940s."
Said senior scientist Reichs General Otto VonSkullfist.
A red-faced senior Labour NEC exec member said in a statement,
"My bad I saw Socialist on his membership form we didn't think it meant National Socialist. Just look at that photo facial hair, brown shirt he's clearly dressing just like Jeremy."

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playfull

  • Friday 11th March 2016, 2:44pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Not bad sooty and you included a proper gag with the reversal -

Said senior scientist Reichs General Otto VonSkullfist.

Maybe the BCG should run a spoof news feed?

Here is another reject.

DONALD TRUMP'S HAIR TO GET ITS OWN SHOW.

Donald trump's hair has proved so popular during his controversial campaign to gain the Republican presidential nomination that it is rumoured to be getting its own TV show. Donald's mop's agent Hiram Bandwagon released a statement stating that his client was considering several offers from major broadcasters as well as Fox after performing so well during the televised debates.

One possible show is thought to be 'Wig Brother' with another being the 'Apprentice' spin off 'Your Fired!' Though all mention of 'fire' is banned by Trumps entourage after an intern was badly burned by a static discharge from Trumps magnificent ginger nylon mane after it was accidentally combed by a studio make-up artist.

A recent poll found that if the strawberry blond head thatch were to run separately it would in fact currently be second in the race for the Republican nomination, only 2 points behind Trump himself.

Trump has so far refused to comment on any split with his 'golden crown' though a Mexican carpet factory is thought to have been put on standby.

Ex Supermodel Girlfriend Speaks out

Trumps campaign slogan "win, win, win, win, win, win, I always win." Was confirmed as true by an ex supermodel girlfriend last night who said Trump had to win at everything and even treated making love as a competition, "he always came first, and loved a good fist pump." She said.
She went on to confirm that Trump was indeed a self-made man. "All those great things he said he did, yes he did make those up," she said, adding "he had made his vast fortune all by himself, having started out with only his father's vast fortune."

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sootyj

  • Friday 11th March 2016, 8:25pm
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

Also enjoyable

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James

  • Saturday 12th March 2016, 2:08pm [Edited]
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

Haha some good stuff there.

However I think Icke should be backing Arsenal or City now rather than Leicester. Surely that's tge crackpot bet now??

m going to have a go at submitting stuff to them - never heard of them before this thread. I've submitted a couple of sports articles - although doesn't seem a subject theyve covered much recently.

Seem to like politics , religion quite a lot

I'll let you know how it t goes and post on here once they reject them! How long does it usually take them to get back to you?

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playfull

  • Saturday 12th March 2016, 2:53pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts
Quote: James @ 12th March 2016, 2:08 PM GMT

However I think Icke should be backing Arsenal or City now rather than Leicester. Surely that's tge crackpot bet now??

That was my (ironic) point. Any other season suggesting Leicester might win the title would be amongst his more crackpot suggestions.

Quote: James @ 12th March 2016, 2:08 PM GMT

I'll let you know how it t goes and post on here once they reject them! How long does it usually take them to get back to you?

They requested submissions here - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/19294/

i have submitted two or three articles without success - and without any response - to be fair they say they won't contact regarding any submissions they don't use - so fair play.

swerytd - who posts on here has had stuff used - so submit away and good luck James.

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sootyj

  • Sunday 13th March 2016, 8:52am
  • England
  • 51,287 posts

I think they have some regular writers, well done them.

So then much like 118 or Newsjack you're just going to have to keep plodding on until your talents are recognised.

Like Dan did, well done that Dan.

Dan.

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playfull

  • Sunday 13th March 2016, 3:06pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Another reject -

MICHAEL PORTILLO BREAKS GAYDAR!

The world of men who confidently assert "he's gay, you can tell by just looking at him" was in chaos last night after it emerged that fancy Dan Michael Portillo probably wasn't.

London Cabbie David Chargetomuch said "I had that Portillo in the back of me cab yesterday in his Pink jacket and his tight Lemon trousers. Where do you want to go I arsked? All the way, he replied. 'Ello' I thought. And which route would you like me to take I arsked. You can take me any way you wish my good man he ejaculated. Well I can tell you my gaydar was pinging off all over the cab. Then blow me he only goes and spends the whole trip telling me what he'd like to do to that Diane Abbott! You could 'ave knocked me dhan wiv a Scotsman's tip.

Well known skirt wearing underwear model David Beckham commented - I can usually pick a wrongun from the other side of a football pitch, but that Portillo bloke has sent my Gaydar completely wonky. I'm happily watching him mince his way all over the Victorian rail network, then I find out not only has he has been married for ever but he is rumoured to have had several affairs...with women?!

Scientists at the British institute for gender research confirmed that they have been monitoring a weakening in the Gaydar force for some time, which mirrored exactly Rubber lipped Portillo's increasing TV appearances. Then suddenly yesterday they realised that everyone's Gaydar had stopped working completely.
"Our ability to make completely unfounded assumptions about a colleagues sexual preferences had completely disappeared!" a lab coated spokesperson said. "It will leave bigots all over the country lost, bewildered and frightened to go to the pub lavatory on their own. It is quite possible that 'aye aye, backs to wall lads' could completely disappear from the lexicon of white male wit," He added.

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playfull

  • Sunday 13th March 2016, 7:25pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

And here is my last failed attempt - I submitted this after all the fuss about her lyrics during the half time Superbowl show.

BEYONCÉ COMES OUT AS BLACK AT SUPERBOWL SHOW.

Pop sensation Beyoncé stunned the 70 thousand fans in the Levi Stadium as well as the millions watching around the world on TV, when she 'came out' as 'black' during the Super bowl half time show. It was immediately clear as soon as she started singing that she was performing as a black artist (in a blond wig).

After the show she emphatically denied that this was just a publicity stunt. She pointed out that now as a black person she was 50% more likely to be shot by a policeman and 75% more likely to have a knife planted on her afterwards.

She went on to say that this was something she had been thinking about for a while and it was not just a fashion choice. She added defiantly, "even if it means I am excluded from ever being nominated for that Oscar, I have gone Black, and I won't go back." To emphasise the point she poignantly held up a picture of a pasty looking Michael Jackson.

It is thought that she will now use her fame to become a spokesperson for the many issues faced by the Black community in America.

When asked, President Obama was quoted as saying "I always thought she was Black anyway, but then I'm more of a Latte myself, so what do I Know?"

Beyonce is not the first trans-pigment artist. In 2014 a British actor Hugh Laurie tried to 'come out' as a Black singer'. After failing to convince both critics and public alike it is believed he went back to medicine.

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Paul Wimsett

  • Tuesday 3rd May 2016, 12:01pm [Edited]
  • Folkestone, United Kingdom
  • 3,379 posts
Quote: playfull @ 11th March 2016, 9:13 AM GMT

I submitted this to 'News Thump' but it did not get used - so I thought I would post here. Any critique would be most helpful/welcome.

DAVID IKE CLAIMS LEICESTER CITY COULD WIN PREMIERSHIP!

Crazy purple shell suited David Ike is at it again. Yesterday he astounded the footballing world when he claimed his old team Leicester City might actually win the premiership.

This claim is even more astounding when you consider that the clubs highest ever league finish was second place in the 1928-29 season. Well known ex Leicester City and England player Garry Linaker said, I might wear blue blinkers and have ears like the FA cup but even I wouldn't dare to think a little club like Leicester stood a chance of finishing top of the Premiership.

The self-proclaimed 'son of god' made his fantastic prediction at the launch of his new book, in which he claims that not only is the Queen a shape shifting lizard, but that prince's Harry and William are interdimensional rabbits, and Prince Philip is a racist Bigot.

An FA spokesman said they get all sorts of crazy predictions about who will win the premiership but this one was one of the craziest he had ever heard. After checking that Leicester City were actually in the Premiership he said, "Leicester to win the Premiership? Let's see what Chelsea, Man U and Liverpool would have to say about that!" When asked where Leicester was he said he thought they were in the North somewhere or possibly in Norfolk.

Loveable Leicester City Manager Claudio Ranieri refused to comment on Ike's amazing claim, and went on to talk about football in such a nice gentle way with his soft engaging Italian accent that our reporter fell asleep...

Guess he's not all Looney tunes... Guess you could submit it again now. (Did you place a bet on?)

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playfull

  • Tuesday 3rd May 2016, 10:24pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Nooooooo I didn't have a bet (Forest fan).

But I do know someone who made £500 today for a £1 bet with his boss!

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Paul Wimsett

  • Friday 6th May 2016, 11:34pm
  • Folkestone, United Kingdom
  • 3,379 posts

Did you tell the Sun though? Probably too late now.