- Friday 19th February 2016, 12:37pm
- 717 posts
Written for the first episode. Please bash away
NISH: A new report says that one-in-ten beds in English hospitals is taken up with someone medically fit enough to be released and this is costing the NHS in England nine-hundred million pounds per year. Surely the government will do something about this soon. Which in turn, will surely make us wish for the days governments did nothing.
ATMOS: OPERATING THEATRE. MEDICAL EQUIPMENT BEEPING.
DOCTOR: What's the patient's reading?
NURSE: Seventy-four... Seventy. He's deteriorating.
DOCTOR: Right, I'm going to have to make a second incision.
NURSE: Doctor, are you sure?
DOCTOR: No, but we're out of options. Here goes. For God's sake let's hope-
FX: DOUBLE DOORS PUSHED OPEN. ADMINISTRATOR ENTERING.
ADMINISTRATOR: Hello! Sorry to interrupt you peeps, but I'm from the NHS money-saving taskforce. Hope I'm no bother but does this patient need to be on this bed right now?
DOCTOR: Excuse me, this is an operation!
ADMINISTRATOR: Indeed it is. Cutting into the bureaucracy of the NHS. Surgically removing all superfluous costs. Nurse get me ten cc's of no frills instant coffee - We have pounds to save! So, about the bed.
DOCTOR: Operating table!
ADMINISTRATOR: Hm, if someone's lying on it and they have a blanket over them, it's a bed. The only way this would classify as a table is if you were eating the patient. And I assume NHS staff aren't doing that... Well, not until the next round of money-saving initiatives anyway.
DOCTOR: Look, will you please, please go!
ADMINISTRATOR: Ah, ah, first just let me do a test to find out if the patient would be OK leaving his bed. OK Mr Patient, how many fingers am I holding up?
DOCTOR: He can't see any fingers. He's unconscious.
ADMINISTRATOR: Oh. He can't see any fingers? Well I was holding up zero fingers, so in that case - He was right! Well done, Mister Patient! My test has shown that you're responsive enough to leave.
FX: CLAPS HANDS.
ADMINISTRATOR: Porters. Take this patient away please.
FX: PORTERS MOVING PATIENT.
DOCTOR: No! Wait! You can't do this!
ADMINISTRATOR: Hush, hush. Look, I know superficially this all may seem a bit soulless, but really, we all have to make sure that costs are kept down.
FX: MOBILE PHONE RINGING IN BAG.
ADMINISTRATOR: Hang on.
FX: MOBILE PHONE TAKEN OUT OF BAG. MOBILE PHONE BEING ANSWERED.
ADMINISTRATOR: Hey, Dave. Yep, got my tenth one kicked out. Think I'm due a raise, don't you.