British Comedy Guide

Quickie sketch

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Michael Hughes

  • Wednesday 6th May 2015, 6:31pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 121 posts

INT. OFFICE. DAY
A work station. Sam and Steve sit opposite each other.

Sam: Listen, Steve, I'm sick of your lack of professionalism around the office. Sort it out.

Steve: Excuse me?

Sam: You know what I mean. The bacon roll.

Steve: That was my breakfast, I've been here since half 5.

Sam: And the whole place stinks of bacon. Totally unprofessional.

Steve: I'll have yogurt next time.

Sam: And what about the sexy lady picture on your computer? I've seen it. Don't try and play games with me.

Steve: That's my wife.

Sam: And I suppose the naked child is your daughter?

Steve: Yes!

Sam: Always got an answer. Y'know, on some level, I admire your cunning. I really do. (beat) Watch my station; I'm going to the vendies.

Sam turns and stands to reveal he is wearing only a thong on his bottom half and has a swastika tattooed on his right buttock. He gets a few paces away, then returns quickly, looking embarrassed.

Sam: Whoops! Almost forgot my change.

Sam collects his change and heads back to the vending machines.

END

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Thursday 7th May 2015, 8:47pm
  • England
  • 705 posts

This is rather long for a quickie.

The punch-line is rather dull and I didn't think it was worth the wait. It was all too conventional.

Sorry.

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gappy

  • Saturday 9th May 2015, 11:08am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,029 posts

I think it's a fine idea, but you could exaggerrate it. Make it the boss who's called him into the officde to complain about "unprofessionalism", give it some jeopardy, that might make the reveal a bit more weighty.

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Michael Hughes

  • Thursday 21st May 2015, 7:26pm
  • England
  • 121 posts

Thanks for feedback. Here's a re-write. Any comments welcome.

INT. OFFICE. DAY

A work station. Mr Samuel is perched on the desk smugly looking down at Steve.

Mr Samuel: Steven.

Steve: (With a little fright) Oh. Mr Samuel.

Mr Samuel: I'm sorry to say this, Steven, but we need to have a word about your lack of professionalism around the office.

Steve: Excuse me?

Mr Samuel: Well, for example, the substantial layer of dust on your computer.

Steve: Um...isn't that the cleaners....

Mr Samuel: The cleaners aren't here to wipe your little bum cheeks, Steven.

Steve: Ok, I'll...uh... bring in a duster.

Mr Samuel: Too late. Strike one.

Steve: Strike one?

Mr Samuel: Then there's this filthy lady photo on your desk.

Steve: That's my wife, we were on our honey...

Mr Samuel: Picture of whore at work station: hardly professional. Strike two.

Steve: A whore?! How dare...

Mr Samuel: Go on. (Pause) Give me a reason; I'm begging you.

Pause.

Steve: (Through gritted teeth) Fine. Thank you for your feedback. I'll take it...all on board.

Mr Samuel: Good boy. Wait a second though, what's this? A coffee cup ring on the desk? (stroking Steve's face) Mr Unprofessional rears his ugly head again. Strike three. My office for your P45. Now.

Steve: (Furious) Put it in the post!

Steve gets up to exit. Mr Samuel follows him part of the way.

Mr Samuel: You'll never work in a call centre in this town again!

We now see that Mr Samuel is wearing assless chaps with a swastika tattooed on each buttock.

END.