A 70year old woman in Nevada is now 6 months pregnant following artificial insemination.
She won't need to push when giving birth.
From now on the kid will have to hang on to the umbilical cord like Tarzan onto a jungle vine.
With her feet up in the stirrups, she will need only to cough or fart, and the kid will exit its hangar like a Drone looking for a Taliban wedding.
Hope the gynaecologist is a good wicket keeper.
Most children grow up dreaming of being Doctors or Film stars.
This poor bastard is destined to be his Mother's carer.
In 15 years time when she is bedridden, banging on the bedroom floor demanding to be taken for a shit.
Who could blame the kid if he suffocated her with a piss stained pillow.
He'd have a better life in Guantanamo Bay.

Four question marks?

Best way to find out if it works is by trying it out in front of a crowd. It'll also force you to write better stuff.

Personally I don't think it'll go down well. Saying old women have loose vaginas is a bit of a dull comedy cliche. It isn't interesting or funny enough to go on about for more than a line. Right now what you've written seems (slightly) shocking and mean but you need more comedy in it for it to work. Shock value is not enough.

If it's your thing, write more, see more stand-up and then try it yourself in front of a crowd.

Hope that's constructive.

I asked MarcP the same, Why four question marks? he replied, why not?
I don't know whether you have communicated with him, but he is a master of the English language.

it depends on your delivery, so its hard to say, its not exactly fresh, but so what, it can still be funny! I think you would need to just try it and see a bunch of late night comedy club goesers would probably love it if it was delivered right!

I tried stand-up twice, never again, I was pathetic. So now write for other stand-up's I know.
The basic problem seems to be that humour is better told than read.
Write your best joke, it will look flat and lifeless on the page.
I rarely write jokes, more social comment.
I'm complaining about selfish old women having kids far beyond their sell-by date.

If you want to make a comment like that then be more clever, it would raise what is a bit of an exhausted secondary school "your mam" joke into something other than the biologically obvious. Personally I don't think I can come up with a way of doing that. But I'm sure you can! Genuinely, don't recycle, say what you want to say without being overrun by the vulgar shock language.

You gave up after just two goes?

Hey Micheal what do ladies when you shag them?

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 11th January 2015, 10:21 AM GMT

You gave up after just two goes?

View original

Women are cruel, have you ever considered homosexuality?

The best thing about being gay is you're allowed to like shit pop music.
If you wanna crack stand-up, twice is - I can't even be bothered to finish this.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 11th January 2015, 10:37 AM GMT

The best thing about being gay is you're allowed to shit pop music.

View original

Don't it make your brown eye blue?

Love it.
I used to have a line, Why is the new Justin Bieber album like anal sex? Because it is f**king shit.
I don't get a lot of bookings any more.

Not

I don't find this very funny. I hear that you're complaining about selfish old women having babies late on in life, but you're basically just moaning about it and feeling sorry for a child who's going to have to look after his old mum until she dies. I don't get the humour.

There IS humour in older women having babies, but you don't have to throw 'real' pity for the child into the mix, or your own anger about the whole situation.

Instead, you could talk about the baby not having to leave its crib to be breast-fed...and the mother even being able to go for a wee with the baby still feeding on her boob 'cos she left the toilet door ajar.

How about turning it round to where the child actually benefits by being able to sit on mummy's lap as she rides on her mobility scooter to the Post Office to collect her pension, or the child could have fun seeing what the cat looks like wearing her dentures. You're still putting your point across that the woman is possibly to old, but you're not being spiteful. You'll alienate a large percentage of the audience if you start making unsavoury jokes about older women's bodies.

Concentrate on finding humour in the things that bug you about different members of society to get your point across. Make the audience laugh with you and, maybe, feel a bit naughty with you, but don't make them cringe to the point they start resenting you.

Observational comedy is great, but you want the audience to walk alongside you as you observe. Don't lose them.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ 5th January 2015, 10:44 AM GMT

I tried stand-up twice, never again, I was pathetic. So now write for other stand-up's I know.
The basic problem seems to be that humour is better told than read.
[Write your best joke, it will look flat and lifeless on the page.]
I rarely write jokes, more social comment.
I'm complaining about selfish old women having kids far beyond their sell-by date.

View original

"Write your best joke, it will look flat and lifeless on the page."

True, some jokes are better spoken than written down, but your statement above is completely wrong. As for the content you posted, as others mentioned a bit unoriginal and to be perfectly honest, not funny.