British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 4.3 - 18.3.13


Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 4th March 2013, 7:39am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,100 posts

Thanks and congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning. Celebrate with a glass of fine wine and a couple of prostitutes then PM me for the next topic please.

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Gappy
Speckled mention: Michael Monkhouse

Due to furious Newsjacking off, your new subject is again OPEN for two wanks i.e. 18.3.13.

One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.3.13

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

15 - 1 - Gappy
10 - Otterfox


Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 5th March 2013, 12:28pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,100 posts



CYNTHIA Hello Laurence darling, how are we?

LAURENCE No too pucker Cynthia. I've just read about the lady who - golly - tried to murder her hubby by - gosh - inserting poison into her lady parts and - cripes - inviting him to - well, clean the kitchen.

CYNTHIA Oooh, horrendous! Oral sex.

LAURENCE Yes - well let's try not to think about it.

CYNTHIA (peruses menu) Hmmm... How about a fur burger?

LAURENCE Cynthia, please...

CYNTHIA Badly wrapped kebab, bearded clam, bean, hair pie, pink taco, quivering mound of love pudding...

LAURENCE Oh don't let's...

CYNTHIA Ham wallet, roast beef curtains, blue waffle, poon tang pie, pink velvet sausage wallet, lunchmeat, bearded oyster, bushmeat flap, hot cock pocket, fish taco, hair burger, toad in the hole, moose knuckle, nookie smush mitten...

LAURENCE Cripes...

CYNTHIA Bag lunch, beaver dinner, bikini burger, bird licker, box lunch, carpet munching, cherry flip chew, coochy breakfast, drinking from the furry cup, honey pot slurp, lickety lap...

LAURENCE That shall suffice! (gets up, leaves)

CYNTHIA Silly c**t.



  • Monday 11th March 2013, 8:11pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,866 posts

1: Right. I think that's most of the evening sorted. What's next?

2: News at 10.

1: Easy. Something like: "And now on BBC1, the News At Ten with Huw Edwards"?

2: Boom! That's the bomb, bruv, you feel me?

1: Maybe later. So, continuity wrapped up for another night, then.

2: Nearly. We just have the late film to do. Let me have a look now...oh yes, it's Nazi Cock Sluts.

1: Again?

2: Yeah, I know, same stuff on a bleeding loop, isn't it?

1: Mmmm. So we should probably do the normal warning: "Blah de blah this film contains images which some viewers may find offensive".

2: Do you think that's necessary?

1: Of course it's necessary!

2: Have you seen Nazi Cock Sluts?

1: Well, no.

2: So, what are your first impressions? Do you imagine, for example, that it might be a little risqué.

1: [Thinks] Yes, I do. I might even go so far as to suspect it will be bawdy.

2: Indeed. And that's before we even start considering the potential offence caused by institutionalised xenophobia.

1: So we definitely should put the warning in, then?

2: No! We should say, "Next up, Nazi Cock Sluts: genocide meets barely legal Bavarian spit-roasting, with hilarious consequences". Anyone who's still offended after that intro has no conception of their own opinions, and unless they've just come out of a coma, a monastery or an experimental tissue-growth cloning vat, their complaints will therefore be worthless. We come up smelling rosy, and retain our integrity.

1: Yeah, right. But I still think some people may find it offensive.

2: Of course they *may*. That's what "may" means, isn't it? Every image has the capacity to cause offence somewhere in the vast tapestry of humanity, it's staitistically inevitable. I mean, bloody hell, there are people out there who get offended by things that aren't rape and racism. I've read the letters. "Dear BBC, stop putting darkies on the telly, it gets right on my wick". But we don't apologise to them.

1: Right! I got one the other day complaining that the numbers on Countdown were a secret code that made lemon curd go mouldy.

2: [Getting excited] And yet we don't say, "The BBC would like to apologise to complete f**king nincompoops that they *may* be woefully confused by something on a different channel", do we?

1: [Building steam] Damn straight! So, let's say "Hey, it's Nazi Cock Sluts! Warning: arseholes should realise that a national broadcasting corporation must serve the interests of everybody in that nation, which means you might not like everything it does."

2: [Shouting] "In fact, it means you definitely won't like all of it, because you're not the only person in Britain, so f**king well shut up and watch the film, or go to bed".

1: [Shouting] Warning, you might not win the lottery even if you watch it!

2: [Shouting] Warning, a pigeon may crap on you within 6 months of seeing Poldark!

1: [Shouting] Newsflash, pissflaps: turns out the world doesn't actually revolve around you and your worthless, arse-begotten life!

1 & 2: [Screaming] Deal with it!!

1: [Pause, then calmly] But we should still tell them that no animals got hurt, right?

2: Oh, God yes. "Viewers should be aware that this film does NOT contain discomfort for Nazi animals"

1: How about, "from the outset"?

2: Back of the net! Dat's the bomb for sure, cuz, innit?

1: Please stop doing that.



  • Wednesday 20th March 2013, 9:53am
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,866 posts

So, let's assume Muichael and I vote for each other, out of politeness - anyone want to cast the decider?

For the record, I think we're both a bit rubbish this time, but hey ho.



  • Wednesday 20th March 2013, 9:59am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,198 posts

Although I think it's a good idea that needs work - and probably cutting down a bit.


Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 21st March 2013, 10:24am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,100 posts

Thanks to Gappy and Lazzard for participating. With six billion opps all over the place this always gets the shitty end of the sphincter but as things calm down it should get back to its old self. Like a Schizophrenic. Nothing wrong with being schizophrenic, you can befriend yourself on Facebook. Meanwhile...

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