While trying to write some stuff for my debut open mic spot (I have read poetry and dabbled with acting in the past. I also performed magic shows a very long time ago), I decided to open my dusty box of "Old Stuff" and see if I could find some comedy gold amongst all the kindling that I like to refer to as "things I once wrote".

I found some old poems and they did indeed give me a bloody good laugh.

Some are unfinished and a good few need a bit of work but I nonetheless feel that I could maybe work one or two into my set (why cringe when I can have a laugh at my own expense?).

This one is untitled (I might call it "When I was a tw*t"):

Whats it all about I ask you?
Where has all the honesty and trust gone?
People who wear blinkers, unaware and too tired to care.
Pop a pill, grab your beer and take a swill.
Fade it out, grab the buzz and f*ck the doupt.
I'm a lonely man feeling like a cartoon character
I'll get too drunk, meet a girl and maybe want her
Compromising for a dishonest illusion
Will I say anything to get some naked fusion?
Knowing full well that if its good, comes confusion
So what does follow?
Am I happy or feeling hollow?
Are there doupts because she didn't swallow?
No, I'm sorry, that was cheap, no need to joke
I'm just trying to distract you from the other bloke.

- The next one is a follow-up of sorts:

I'm The Other Bloke

I have fallen in love, I feel I can fly
No more drugs? I'll give it a try
If I am so happy, why do I cry?
I'm still young but I am feeling too old
I'd talk to my mates but they've gone cold
Too young to go straight, old age will just have to wait
Just one more smoke....Ohh, is that some coke?
Stop it all while its my choice
I'll f*cking shout but they'll hear no voice
Lung cancer....Do you wanna chance her?
Another dies but nobody cries
Dodgy gear someone said, but not to these eyes
People care, so they say
On which planet, on which f*cking day?
Its all sh*t, theres nothing left, there is no hope
Spark the spliff, take a toke
Bad stuff always happens to the other bloke
I'm the other bloke
I'm hungry, tired and really broke
No wonder he's pissed, all them braincells, they'll never be missed
Not by him, not by her
Just me
The other bloke.

- One more for luck:

Got It Sussed

Got it sussed, we have, us lucky people
The generation of a new age of information
So why is communication stuck in a loophole?
We think we know that we have no voice
Do f*ck all, that is the choice
What can we change? Lets face facts
So much dishonesty and phony acts
Dog eat dog, I'm alright Jack
Quick grab a gun, we're ander attack
We want peace and we will fight
You are wrong and we are right
Got it sussed, we have, us lucky people
The TV programs like a twisted peephole
Laugh at others and forget your troubles
Start the whiskey as long as they are doubles
Got it sussed, we have, us lucky people
But NO, hang on, I think something is wrong
If we join our voices we CAN be strong
Let us be heard instead of herded
Believe in one another, like a sister or brother
We can get it sussed, we can, us lucky people
But what is that you say?
You really don't want to do it today
You're starting to get cold feet
You've got shopping to do and people to meet
Nobody will listen, they will think us mad
He is probably right, isn't that sad?
Got it sussed, we have, us lucky people

- Please feel free to give honest feedback or simply heckle to your hearts content. I will actually be pleased if you take the piss because it may help me to think of some humour that can justify including one or two in a set.

Thanks for reading this far

Sorry Bob, didn't really find much to laugh at here. Probably too personal to you. I think you could try writing some deliberately naff poetry and passing it off as the diary you had when you were 13. It could be full of teenaged angst, lust confusion etc.:

8th May 1976

Poetry lesson with Mrs Judds, wants us to write a poem about thoughts.

I thought about what you said miss
As you stood in the class
You turned around and then bent down
Showing us your (beat) supple!

The poems could get better/bitter/dirtier as you get older

Thanks for the feedback Will, its very much appreciated, I thought this thread was just going to sit here gathering dust. The first poem has one line in it that some find funny but yeah I can see how they are kinda too serious. I was young(er) when I wrote them so they do (to an extent) have that cringe factor for me.

I think I started this thread as a form of "thinking outloud" and on reflection I am not too keen on using poetry in my set. Maybe I could pull one out if I am heckled and then threaten to read more if I am heckled again (?) or maybe just end my set with one?

I am doing so much research listening to and watching many, many interviews with funny folk....I know I need to find my own voice for any of my comedy to work - I thinkthat's why I dug out the poetry. But I agree, what I have is simply not funny enough to work into a set. I do like your idea though and I am grateful for it, but to be honest I think I will drop the poetry idea. Thanks again for the feedback

Hi Bob,

I really enjoyed these. As Will says there's not much to laugh at but I could imagine it as a rap song (or whatever you youngsters call it these days). Have you ever thought of writing song lyrics?

One other question, what is 'doupt'?.

Thanks for the kind words AngieBaby

Doupt is the word "doubt" spelt very badly. LOL!