The Biscuit
AMBIENCE: A LIVING ROOM BACKGROUND IN WHICH WE CAN HEAR TEA SPOONS SCRAPING AGAINST A MUG AND BIRDS SINGING OUTSIDE.
1. SAM: Right. Gentleman your attention please. You all know why I’ve called you here today and I’m sure you’ll all agree there has been a definite... Atmosphere to our meetings of late.
2. DANIEL: That’s Mitch’s fault. The twat.
3. MITCH: Oh wah, wah, wah. Stop whinging Daniel ya ponce.
4. ADAM: He just can’t let it go can he?
5. DANIEL: Can’t let it go?! Can’t let it go?! F**k you Adam. How am I supposed to let the fact that my best friend stole my girlfriend right from under my nose and my brother, my own f**king brother, didn’t even tell me?!
6. SOUND EFFECT: THE ROOM ERUPTS INTO ANGRY SHOUTING
7. SAM: Gentleman! Gentleman please!
8. SOUND EFFECT: THEY ALL FALL SILENT.
9. SAM: Thank you! OK, so we’re all a little tense, that’s understandable. You all have perfectly valid reasons to be angry. I mean Daniel, your ex is dating your best friend; fair enough. Mitch, you say that him and Michelle had already split so she was fair game...
10. DANIEL: F**k off was she! You’ve got it all wrong Sam. We were gonna get back together as soon as we’d...
11. MITCH: Bullshit. She was finished with you and you know it. Why can’t you get that into your thick sk...
12. SAM: Shut the FUCK up!
13. SOUND EFFECT: THEY BOTH FALL SILENT
14. SAM: OK. So Adam, yes you knew about Mitch and Michelle but you didn’t want to hurt Daniel’s feelings or get involved even though you hate Mitch just as much for doing this. Right?
15. ADAM: Pretty much, yeah. Although you left out the fact that I feel pretty betrayed by my brother’s turning his back on me over something so damn trivial.
16. SOUND EFFECT: DANIEL TUTS.
17. SAM: So I’ve got everyone’s point of view right then? No major inaccuracies or anything?
18. SOUND EFFECT: THE THREE MEN MUMBLE IN AGREEMENT
19. SAM: Good. Well gents, clearly we’ve gone past the point in which we can discuss this civilly so I feel a more drastic solution is in order. And that is why I’ve called you here today.
20. ADAM: What do you have in mind Sam?
21. SAM: I’m glad you asked Adam for you see, I have a story to tell you. The year is 1368, China is in the midst of a civil war as the Yuan dynasty battles to maintain it’s rule against the formidable forces of the Ming dynasty.
22. SOUND EFFECT: SORROWFUL MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY.
23. SAM: Villages burned throwing smoke and the screams of those not swift enough into the sky where they were carried by the wind.
24. SOUND EFFECT: WE HEAR A VARIETY OF SCREAMS.
25. SAM: Joining this sorrowful chorus were the cries of the women, children and men raped and slaughtered in their very homes.
26. SOUND EFFECT: WE HEAR MENACING LAUGHING AND SCREAMING.
27. SAM: This melancholy wind reached even the blood stained fields where fierce battles raged and unimaginable cruelty made dire music of it’s own.
28. SOUND EFFECT: THE SOUND OF CLASHING SWORDS AND CRIES OF ANGUISH CAN BE HEARD
29. SAM: This wind, now a gale, engulfed the whole land.
30. SOUND EFFECT: MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS
31. SAM: Suffice to say everyone was pretty pissed off.
32. MITCH: Is this story going anywhere Sam?
33. SAM: Patience Mitch, patience. I’m getting to it. Anyway, an impasse was reached. Neither side had the manpower or resources to make the final push and end the terrible war. So Emperor Yingzong and General Taidingdi agreed to meet for… Negotiations. These two titans, huge blokes they were, marched across the battlefield toward each other. Both men stared at each other, each of them had one of their hands hovering over their sheaved blades ready to fight to the death at any moment. The atmosphere was thick, each army just stood there watching helplessly. You could hear a pin drop. The two men met in the center of the battlefield and Taidingdi slammed a fortune cookie onto the table that stood between them. And then, in total silence, they wanked on it.
34. SOUND EFFECT: A SHORT SILENCE
35. ADAM: What?
36. SAM: They wanked on it! These two warlords yanked it out and started jerking their gerkins in the middle of the battlefield! The two of them, never taking their eyes from one another, had deep looks of concentration on each of their faces as they raced for the prize. Total domination. Each of their armies bellowed heart felt encouragement as the epic battle continued.
37. SOLDIER 1: Come on Ding mate! You can do it!
38. SOLDIER 2: Go on my son Yingzong! Go on!
39. SAM: It was neck and neck until Taidingdi went into a trance like state. Zen if you will. There was no longer a descendent of the Mongolian dynasty in front of him desperately trying to shoot his load but a valley of beautiful women all wearing helmets (he had a thing for women in uniform, or so it is written). With a cry of triumph the deed was done. Taidingdi had won. In victory he saw his opponent in a new light. This tyrant who had struck fear into the hearts of his fellow countryman was just a pathetic old man who found it difficult to get himself off in the presence of other men. They had feared this man?
40. DANIEL: Oh Jesus. I think I know where this is headed.
41. SAM: Eventually (after many hours) YingZong finished up. He hung his head in shame as he picked up the fortune cookie (now a brilliant shade of white) and opened it. Inside was written; ‘You will suffer a great defeat this day’. And with a mighty groan, he swallowed it. And thus from that day forward Taidingdi was emperor, he had proven his worth. And that my friends, is what I propose we do here today.
42. SOUND EFFECT
OMETHING SLAMS ONTO A TABLE.
43. SAM: Gentleman! On the table before you is a Gingernut biscuit. I propose that we wank onto it! To the victor the spoils!
44. SOUND EFFECT: LONG SILENCE
45. ADAM: You can’t be serious.
46. SAM: Do I look like I would joke about something like this Adam? Come on, it’s clearly the solution to all our problems.
47. MITCH: Soggy Biscuit? A solution?
48. SAM: Of course.
49. SOUND EFFECT: A FEW MOMENTS OF SILENCE
50. MITCH: So what do we get if we win?
51. SAM: Besides kudos and respect? Well how about this: Daniel, if you win Mitch apologises and has to break up with Michelle. If Mitch wins then Daniel has to accept that it’s over and shut the f**k up with the whining. And if Adam comes out on top then both Daniel and Mitch have to apologise and be his slave for a month. Or something.
52. DANIEL: What happens if I come second?
53. SAM: You get kudos Daniel.
54. DANIEL: F**k!
55. SAM: Well I dunno. We’ll work something out.
56. MITCH: So what about you Sam? Are you gonna just be sat there watching us all knock one off then.
57. DANIEL: Yeah, the f**king perv. How do we know this isn’t all some elaborate scheme for you to get your nuts off to our circle jerk?
58. SAM: Because in the interest of solidarity, I will be joining in too.
59. DANIEL: So what happens if you win?
60. SAM: Hmmmm. Slaves for a month? I really don’t have any personal stake in this debacle so I might as well get some free meals out of it I suppose.
61. MITCH: Fair enough.
62. ADAM: Fair enough? Are you actually seriously considering this?!
63. MITCH: Yeah, why not? I’m comfortable with my sexuality and everything, I think I stand a fair chance of winning.
64. ADAM: F**kin’ hell! Well count me out. Thisis sick
65. SAM: There’ll be consequences.
66. ADAM: Yeah. Like what?
67. SAM: We’ll beat you up. Right Mitch?
68. MITCH: Right
69. ADAM: Well it’s two against two. Bring it on.
70. DANIEL: Actually, three against one.
71. ADAM: Daniel!
72. DANIEL: Hey, f**k you! If Mitch is in then so am I!
73. ADAM: Jesus Christ! You’re all f**king nuts.
74. SAM: You’re either in or out Adam. Decide now.
75. SOUND EFFECT:Long silence
76. ADAM: In.
77. SAM: Good. Well then, shall we begin?
78. SOUND EFFECT: A SHORT SILENCE THAT IS DISPELLED BY THE SOUND OF THE MEN GETTING UNDRESSED. ANOTHER SHORT SILENCE THEN A FAPPING SOUND CAN BE HEARD. AT FIRST IT IS A SOLITARY SOUND UNTIL AFTER A WHILE THREE MORE JOIN IT IN CHORUS. MITCH BEGINS TO GRUNT.
79. DANIEL: Shut up.
80. SOUND EFFECT: MITCH CONTINUES TO GRUNT.
81. DANIEL: Shut upppppp.
82. SOUND EFFECT: MITCH CONTINUES TO GRUNT.
83. DANIEL: God Damnit Mitch! I’m trying to concentrate here!
84. MITCH: I can’t help it!
85. SOUND EFFECT: MORE FAPPING.
86. ADAM: Do we have to look at each other when we do this?
87. SAM: Yes! That’s the whole point! Look at your enemies Adam! See them for what they really are.
88. ADAM: But they’re gross.
89. SAM: Exactly! Revel in it Adam! For you are to become a better man!
90. DANIEL: Oh shit. It’s 3.30. Countdown is on.
91. SOUND EFFECT: WE HEAR THE COUNTDOWN THEME.
92. SAM: What the hell are you doing Daniel?
93. SOUND EFFECT: WE CAN HEAR AN EPISODE OF COUNTDOWN TAKING PLACE IN THE BACKGROUND
94. DANIEL: It’s Countdown man!
95. SAM: Yeah, I can see that. But you’re supposed to be concentrating on this.
96. DANIEL: Give me a consonant Carol you saucy bitch!
97. MITCH: Ewww!
98. DANIEL: You’re hardly in the position to comment Mitch!
99. SOUND EFFECT: OVER THE FAPPING WE HEAR DES LYNEM
100. ADAM: Oh f**k it’s Des!
101. SAM: So?
102. ADAM: He knows! He knows what we’re doing! You can see it in his eyes! He’s disgusted!
103. SAM: Keep your eyes on the prize Adam! Race for it!
104. ADAM: I don’t know if I can do it Sam! This is just too much!
105. SAM: Believe in yourself Adam and you can achieve anything.
106. SOUND EFFECT: ALL WE CAN HEAR IS THE FAPPING NOISE FOR A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE THE FLAMING LIP’S ‘RACE FOR THE PRIZE’ BEGINS TO PLAY. ADAM GRUNTS.
107. SAM: We have a winner! Congratulations Adam!
108. DANIEL: Does that mean we can stop now?
109. SAM: No
110. DANIEL: Awww.
111. SOUND EFFECT: MORE FAPPING. SAM GRUNTS.
112. SAM: And I’m out. Now begins the true battle. This is sure to be an epic-confrontation.
113. SOUND EFFECT: MORE FAPPING. DANIEL GRUNTS AND THE MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS
114. MITCH: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
115. SAM: And there we have it. Mitch loses.
116. SOUND EFFECT: WE BEGIN TO HEAR WHIMPERING AND CRYING.
117. ADAM: (Crying)Has he? Has he really? I say we have all lost. In this game there are no winners.
118. MITCH: Don’t look at me! Don’t look at meeeeeeeeeee!
119. DANIEL: (Crying) It’s OK Mitch. I don’t care anymore. Y-you can keep seeing Michelle. Just stop! Make it all stop!
120. MITCH
Crying)I can’t. I… I have to finish.
121. SOUND EFFECT: WE HEAR LOTS OF CRYING OVER THE FAPPING UNTIL MITCH EVENTUALLY GRUNTS.
122. SAM: You know what you must do Mitch.
123. ADAM: Don’t do it Mitch! You’ve suffered enough!
124. MITCH: I must! I must!
125. DANIEL: No Mitch! Noooooo!
126. SOUND EFFECT: WE HEAR MITCH SLOWLY MUNCHING ON A BISCUIT
127. SAM: It’s over.
128. ADAM: No, it’s only just begun! How can we live with ourselves after this? How can we look each other in the eye?
129. MITCH: Oh God I’m sorry Daniel! I’m sorry I put you through all this!
130. DANIEL: No, I’m sorry Mitch. I was a petty asshole. You’re my best friend man.
131. MITCH: Hold me!
132. ADAM: We’ve all been so stupid! We let jealously and pride tear us apart. But this game, this game has brought us together in our shame. We have you to thank for this Sam.
133. SAM: Ah, don’t mention it.
134. ADAM: Was this your plan all along?
135. SAM: Ummm. No not really. I just wanted to play Soggy Biscuit.
136. SOUND EFFECT: Crying continues.
THE END
