Hello! This is my first post showing any of my material on this forum. I originally wanted to start by posting a sitcom script which I have recently written, but after reading various bits of advice posted here and there I've realised that it's at least a couple of weeks off being in a state where I should even consider putting it up. But I'm not just writing this to explain why I'm not posting something- that would be like using alphabeti spaghetti to explain to someone why their food's not ready yet. Not that I'm suggesting that my material is going to figuratively satisfy your comedic hunger. Anyway, I digress. What I'm doing for the moment is posting a sketch I wrote a while back, but have only just typed up. I'm not really sure why I've posted this one- I'm just trying to gauge general response to the sort of material that I'm writing. Please let me know what you think/ how I can improve it! (or whether it should be push aside and left to fester)(in a hole)(figuratively)

Fox Plague

SCRIPT

INT. NEWS STUDIO – DAY.

PAUL (THE ANCHOR)
Fear of fox plague has gripped the world today. It could devastate entire regions, possibly even bring down civilisation as we know it. So far an entire fox has fallen victim its deadly and debilitating symptoms. The first case of fox plague was discovered today at eleven am, GMT, in the locale of Southern Cumbria. Ourreporter on the scene will fully explain the incident. John. Jonny. Jonny “The Master” Madison, in the locale of Southern Cumbria – what's the situation out there?
JOHN (THE REPORTER)
Hi Paulo, Pappy D. The mood here in the locale of Southern Cumbria is sombre. At eleven am, GMT, a local farmer and his wife, out on their daily burglar hunt, found a dead fox floating in their village pond. Not having killed the fox themselves, the couple got suspicious and called the police to investigate. A team of scientists were called in to remove the corpse. Testing later revealed that the body contained a new strain of the virus 0HN0 or 'fox plague'. The exact cause of death has not yet been determined, it could have drowned, but it seems fox plague is the most likely culprit. Naturally residents in the locale of Southern Cumbria are worried. Police have created a one-hundred and fifty kilometre 'safety zone' around the site, but if local foxes have already been infected then this may not be enough. Back to you, Paulo, in the studio.
PAUL
Thanks Jonny. So what is 'fox plague'?

The screen behind him shows a generic CG of a virus spinning around, with 'Fox Plague' written above it. As he talks the major points appear on top of the image.

PAUL (CONT'D)
It's a form of virus which currently only affects foxes. It turns the fox's hairs a deeper shade of red than they are already are. This destroys a fox's natural camouflage, leaving it exposed to predators. However, the real problem occurs if it mutates into a form which is able to spread to humans. Although not directly lethal, a darker red hair could have serious consequences for humans. For example, it could enrage bulls, causing them to go on a bloody rampage. The Home Office predicts that ninety percent of people will come into contact with a bull at some point in their life. So far fox plague has not transferred to humans. But scientists say it is entirely possible that it could at some point in the near future. How? The answer is simple. Bees.

The screen changes to show an animation of the scenario described in the following speech.

PAUL (CONT'D)
Say that a bee stung an infected fox. This in itself would not be a problem, as the virus is still in a form which is not transferable to humans. But what if a bee floated in through an open lab window and landed on a Petri dish, just like that spore did when Alexander Flemming didn't discover penicillin. In the right substance the virus could then mutate into a more dangerous form.

The screen now changes to show a freeze frame of minister in the Houses of Parliament. The words 'Fox plague' are still showing at the top of the screen.

PAUL (CONT'D)
In light of this theory politicians say the government should act now anddistribute a vaccine to prevent future outbreaks. Residents in the locale of Southern Cumbria have been warned to stay indoors whenever possible and avoid all contact with potential carriers. Local police will be operating a shoot-to-kill policy on foxes and those who fraternise or solicit with them.

End of scene.

I liked it. Icould imagine the manic voice of the reporter.

Don't you think though that a better solution would be to wipe southern Cumbria off the map?

Hi Tpeni and welcome to the forum.

I read the sketch and I think I can see what your getting at but...

I think that you could do with stripping back a lot of the words. It might well be that on-screen this could work better, but my feeling overall was way way too wordy - and the words, IMO, were obscuring what you were saying.

I'd go back and cut everything that isn't necessary. It's amazing how it's possible to say the same thing with a lot fewer words. The punters will get it if it's put the right way, honestly.

The repetition of phrases like "the locale of Southern Cumbria" didn't seem natural at all and just held back the flow.

Sorry to not be more positive but believe me, I have had the same thing said to me in the past and when I've gone back to it I can see what the reviewer has meant.

Thanks for the feedback! Don't be sorry about not being positive- I posted it to be criticised! I see what you mean about the wordyness (possibly the invention of words should be included?) I had originally intended to use this to make it seem more sensationalist and show how the facts were being obscured - but looking back, a lot of it probably is unnecessary. Same with the repetition of phrases - it was meant to be a comment on the reliance of the news on stock phrases and quasi-intellectual terminology (just like that) in lieu of substance. But it probably just looks a little stupid.
I'll wait for some more responses and then have a go with rewriting parts of it.
Surely the removal of Southern Cumbria would change it from 'The Lakes' to just 'The Lake'?

I guessed you were having a go about sensationalist TV reporters. They do go on and on and on and on and on etc