Hello all,
"AS PLAIN AS DAY" is a sitcom about Jack Day, an undercover policeman who likes the easy life. He's infiltrated a group of animal activists who do nothing more than talk, which suits Jack fine. Unfortunately, cuts in the police budget mean that Jack is going to have to turn agent provocateur if he's going to keep his job.
This is the first draft of the entry and I'd welcome any opinions on it. Thanks to the helpful advice I got on my last entry I reached the finals, so I do value the feedback from this board.
Anyways, here it is:-
AS PLAIN AS DAY
EPISODE 1: PANDAMONIUM
ACT I
INT. MARION'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
TOCCATA SPLENDARI, a glamourous Italian, stifles a yawn while big-boned MARION FUDGE checks her watch and tuts.
MARION
Where is everyone? We can't start a meeting just the two of us.
TOCCATA
Is Saturday in the night, no? The people has other things to do.
MARION
More important than protecting defenceless creatures?
TOCCATA
All we do is talk, Marion. And always is about the pandas.
MARION
Not today. Today I'm calling for a boycott on a new hair gel.
TOCCATA
Fantastico! Is because was tested on the animals?
MARION
Well, the active ingredient is panda semen... I suppose it's been tested on female pandas.
TOCCATA
Pandas, pandas, pandas! There is other animals to save, you know.
MARION
But, Toccata, pandas are beautiful. The Chinese worship them for having mystical powers. And they have such lovely--
TOCCATA
Wait. You say "panda semen"?
MARION
Yes. You know Spick and Spanda?
TOCCATA
The gel that "Jizz your hair with the gift of a panda"? Is very good for--Oh, mamma mia!
JACK DAY enters.
JACK
Evening all.
MARION
They have to manually stimulate the pandas to release the sperm.
JACK
Pandas again, eh?
MARION
Question: is it animal torture?
TOCCATA
Well, who I feel sorry for is poor boy who have to pump the pandas every days. Yuck.
MARION
Because if it's cruel to pandas, we have no choice but to boycott Spick and Spanda, which is a shame because it really gives my hair added...oh, what's the word? It's on the tip of my tongue.
JACK
Spunk?
MARION
What? I didn't quite hear that.
JACK
I said, sparkle?
MARION
In case you haven't guessed, Jack Day, I'm angry with you. You're late.
JACK
At least I came. Where is everyone?
TOCCATA
They no wanna talk about the pandas no more. They sick with the pandas.
MARION
If you don't want to save pandas maybe you should go somewhere else? Oh, wait, I forgot: you've been kicked out of all the other environmental groups from here to Monte Carlo.
JACK
She has? Why?
TOCCATA
Is because I am too passionate about to save the animals. I no want the talk, I want the action.
MARION
Oh, I bet you do. I know all about your "action", deary. Mrs Leary is friends with my butcher, only now she's Miss Jones since the divorce. Homewrecker!
TOCCATA
You! You jealous because you never have boyfriend and you obsessed with the pandas. Maybe you should get a job helping to make the Spick and Spanda, eh?
TOCCATA makes a hand-pumping gesture.
MARION
Why, you salami-sucking slut!
TOCCATA
But you so ugly the panda have to put a bag over your head. Then he whack you inna the face with a ten-foot pole. Then he take the pole and--
JACK
Ladies, please! We don't want the neighbours to call the police.
MARION
You're right. I'm sorry, Toccata.
TOCCATA
Well, as we say in Italian, vaffanculo!
Neither JACK nor MARION realise this means "up your arse!"
JACK
Good. Now it may be just the three of us, but let's get started, eh?
MARION
Fine.
JACK
By the way, Toccata, what are you doing after the meeting?
TOCCATA
Nothing.
JACK
Maybe you'd like to have a drink?
TOCCATA
No.
JACK
(Hiding heartbreak)
No. Of course not. Me neither.
INT. PUB - LATER SAME NIGHT
JACK is sitting with his back to the tough-looking IINSPECTOR RANKIN. Both hold up newspapers as they speak.
RANKIN
... Right, so all they did was rabbit on about pandas?
JACK
Panda semen, sir. To be specific.
RANKIN
Bloody hell--don't call me "sir". You'll blow your cover.
JACK
Sorry, Bob--
RANKIN
Why'd you call me Bob? My name's not Bob.
JACK
--Or vaffanculo as they say in Italy. You told me not to call you "sir". I thought I'd improvise.
RANKIN
Don't call me anything. We can't be seen talking to each other in public, so no names or titles.
JACK
Sorry, sir--Bob!--Oh, cack!
RANKIN
You sure these tree-huggers ain't plotting something?
JACK
Well, we were going to boycott "Spick and Spanda" but decided not to because we think the pandas enjoy making their contribution.
RANKIN
No throwing bricks at animal research centres? No attacks on lab workers? This ain't good. Not good at all.
JACK
But if they're not breaking the law, what's the problem?
RANKIN
The government is slashing the police budget. We've got more cuts than Vidal Sassoon. Do you really think we're going to keep paying you to infiltrate a group of panda-obssessed hippies whose idea of violent protest is a letter to the Guardian?
JACK
You'll take me off the case?
RANKIN
Darn tootin, me old china.
JACK
But it's such a cushy--I mean it's such a crucial role, keeping tabs on these groups in case they cross the line. And I fancy the Italian bird, I mean, I fancy she's going to give us some useful intel.
RANKIN
I'll give you some useful intel. You've got one week. If they ain't done nothing by then you're back on the beat.
JACK
What? But the streets aren't safe. It's a jungle out there.
RANKIN
Good luck, tiger.
RANKIN leaves.
JACK
Shit! What am I going to do? It's not as if I can make them riot. Wait a second. Pandas! Of course!
INT. MARION'S LIVING ROOM - ONE WEEK LATER
TOCCATA stifles a yawn. MARION glares at her watch, tuts.
MARION
Where is everyone? I promised there'd be no panda talk today.
TOCCATA
So what are we gonna talk about?
MARION
Trees. Bamboo trees. Did you know they're disappearing at a frightening rate?
TOCCATA
Oh, is terrible. I love the trees. But, wait. Bamboo? Bamboo is what the pandas eat!
MARION
Really? I had no idea.
JACK enters, groaning. He looks roughed up, bruised.
JACK
Evening all.
MARION
JACK! What happened to you?
JACK
Am I late? Sorry. Or vaffanculo as the Italians say.
TOCCATA
He look like he been attacked.
JACK
I was! You won't believe what happened. Let me tell you--
TOCCATA
You just did.
JACK
I--what?
TOCCATA
You just told us: you were attacked.
JACK
Well, ye-es. But there's more.
MARION
We should call the police.
JACK
No! Not the police!
MARION
Why?
JACK
They're the ones who did this.
TOCCATA
You were beat up by the police? But you're white!?
JACK
They did it to stop me talking.
TOCCATA
Say no more. We beat up the police.
MARION
Let him speak, Toccata.
JACK
I was proceeding down Charles Street when I overheard two coppers talking about the Great Hunt.
MARION
The what?
JACK
The Chief Inspector loves to hunt. You'll never guess what he does.
TOCCATA
He hunt. You just told us.
JACK
Well, ye-es, but what does he hunt?
TOCCATA
Animals. What else he gonna hunt? Frying pans?
JACK
I'll narrow it down for us, okay? He hunts pandas!
MARION
He hunts pandas?!
JACK
Yes.
MARION
In the city?
JACK
He has them smuggled in directly from China. Organises a night-time hunt in the Park.
TOCCATA
And people no hear the guns?
JACK
They, er, don't use guns. They use... batons. Police batons! They club the pandas to death.
MARION
But pandas are so strong. Wouldn't they tear the head off any policemen who got close enough to use a baton?
JACK
Yes. Of course. That's why they... drug the pandas! So they can't fight back.
TOCCATA
But if pandas are slow, they be too easy for police to hunt, no?
JACK
But, um, it's a dual-acting drug! Slows down the mind, but acts like amphetimines on the legs. Mr panda tears round like a Bugati.
MARION
But when they're threatened pandas naturally climb trees. They'd be safe up a tree.
JACK
Yes, but, oh God, that's why they...tie oven gloves to their paws! So they can't climb.
MARION
Oven gloves? That's inhuman!
TOCCATA
Yes! We have to take the action!
MARION
I'll get started on a letter to the Guardian.
JACK
Nooo!
TOCCATA
We need to beat up the Inspector.
JACK
No, we do something worse. Something so terrifying he'll never harm another panda again.
MARION
Aha! Time for a written warning.
TOCCATA
No, is time for a big stick.
JACK
It's time, ladies, for hot panda sperm.
MARION
I beg your pardon?
JACK
Spick and Spanda is highly flammable.
TOCCATA
We make molotovs? My favourite cocktail!
JACK
We cover the Inspector's house with industrial quantities of panda lovejuice, and torch it.
MARION
But we have no idea where the inspector lives.
JACK
I... conveniently overheard his home address. So, ladies, are you ready to fight for panda justice?
TOCCATA
Yes!
MARION
Well...
TOCCATA
Come on, Marion!
JACK
It's for the pandas, Marion.
TOCCATA
For the pandas!
MARION
Okay. Yes. For the pandas! And can I write a little note to the Guardian too?
ACT TWO
INT. PUB - NEXT DAY
JACK sits with his back to INSPECTOR RANKIN.
RANKIN
BLOODY HELL?!! You mean to tell me your group was behind this? And you didn't stop them? BLOODY HELL?!!
JACK
I had to go along with it, or risk blowing my cover. Speaking of which, could you speak a little softer?
RANKIN
Burned to the bloody ground! My beautiful house! To a bloody cinder! And what was with all the jars of hair gel?
JACK
It means... they want the police to stay out of their hair. Yes.
RANKIN
What if I'd been at home? I could have been killed.
JACK
They knew you were away for a golf weekend in Scotland.
RANKIN
What if I had a family? Children?
JACK
They knew you were single.
RANKIN
Yeah, they seemed to know a lot of things about me. You know, Jack, if I find out you provoked your group into this...
JACK
You're using my name. You said it'd be better not to use names.
RANKIN
...I'd arrange for you to fall down some stairs, into a meat grinder.
JACK
I promise, you definitely won't find out I'm behind all this.
RANKIN
So what caused your group to go mental, JACK?
JACK
There's a new member. He doesn't come to the meetings. He only contacts Marion. He was the mastermind behind this operation.
RANKIN
What's his name?
JACK
His name? Oh, his name. Yes, his name is...He's like a mastermind, you see...So his name is...The...Big...Brain.
RANKIN
The Big Brain?
JACK
Yes. The Big Brain. He personally ordered the attack on your house.
RANKIN
I want Big Head taken down, and I want it the day before yesterday.
JACK
I don't know if he even lives in England. He could be in Wales. Or somewhere nice.
RANKIN
He torched my house. With hair gel. It doesn't get any more personal than that.
JACK
It might mean staying in expensive hotels.
RANKIN
Whatever ever it takes. All expenses paid. You do this for me and I'll be a happy man, Jack. And when I'm happy I give glorious promotions. Understand?
JACK
I think Marion mentioned he might be in Monte Carlo.
RANKIN
What are you waiting for?
JACK
Thank you! You won't regret this sir! Whoops! Sorry-- or vaffanculo as they say in Monte Carlo.
END OF EPISODE
And anyone who's read this far deserves a medal!
