INT: INSIDE AN AMERICAN THEMED COFFEE BAR.
AMELIA DORDOGNE:
Deux cafe Dordogne's ASAP gorgeuos...too go with my very personal tete a tete with "Celeb Creators Monthly" toodle pip Brandon.
BRANDON:
Sorry.
AMELIA DORDOGNE:
Don't worry...the frustration's almost over baby cakes...soon you'll be able to peruse your infatuation amongst the centre pages...with only one tiny silver staple hiding my recently groomed Brazilian...Brrrrrrrr.
BRANDON:
Will I...Excellent...Right...what can I get you two.
AMELIA:
My regular...TWO...MINE...and one for the EDITOR...of "Celeb Creator" it's hardley a Houdini puzzler Brandon...shall I write it down on a Napkin.
BRANDON:
No thanks...I think I can manage a couple of coffees.
CARMEL:
Bucka Chow Wow...I would'nt mind a few too many rounds on innocent mud wrestling with Mr Brandon...you kept this little frustration quiet.
AMELIA:
Stop salavating...he may look like some gorgeous...jobbing Hollywood wannabe...but he's as simple as last seasons Kate Moss spring/summer colection..
I bet you'll absolutely adore my "Boston Suppa Cuppa" latte..
"A FEW MORE INCHES ROCKY...I'M BEING INTERVIEWED"
CARMEL: (JUMPING AT AMELIAS SUDDEN SHOUT)
I'm sure I will enjoy it Amelia...and you say it's your very own concoction.
ROCKFORD: (SHOUTING FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER)
Excellent news Amelia...your Dordogne's going down a treat with all my regulars...keep up the good work...I need all the publicity I can get.
AMELIA:
YEAH!! it's all mine...just a little thank you from Rockford for giving the "Boston Suppa Cuppa" it's first ever inches in the "Red Tops" after I was papped one afternoon leaving...with two cream cheese bagels a cinnamon smoothie and no knickers...it's a top secret recipe...just like that KFC blokes...the ingredients are all "Fair Trade" of course...I'm a big supporter of them guys.
CARMEL: (PUTTING DOWN A DICTAPHONE)
Of course...you don't mind if I use this for our interview do you Amelia...it will hopefully save you having to repeat anything...and i'll also have it on record...just in case you need any sudden retrospective retractions.
AMELIA:
What!! No not at all...anything to help...what is it anyway.
CARMEL:
A Dictaphone.
AMELIA:
YEAH!! nice try Carmel...i'm not having my face "Happy Snapped" all over the Inter-Wide-web...I'm not Jody Marsh...i've already given you 10 signed publicity photo's...that'll probably end up on E-bay tomorrow.
CARMEL:
WHAT!! This isn't a mobile phone Amelia...it's a tiny tape recorder.
AMELIA:
So it can't take photos or video's...that'll be sold to the Inter Wide Webb.
CARMEL:
No...it's just a plain old tiny tape recorder...nothing more nothing less.
AMELIA: (TAKING THE DRINKS)
Merci Brandon...you couldn't ask the customers to quieten down a tad...i'm having a little interview here and we've only got a tiny tape recorder...Oh and tell Rockford that i've almost finished the filling for my new Dordogne Bagel... just about to get the "Boston Suppa Cuppa" more inches.
BRANDON:
Excuse me.
CARMEL: (FLIRTING)
Thank you very much Brandon...it looks delicious...yummy yum.
AMELIA:
ANYWAY!!! i'll soon have my very own "Dordogne happy Meal" all I need now is a few more inches for the "Boston Suppa Cuppa" and i'll get the green light for my desert...i've already created a couple...be a darling and mention it to Rockford will you Brandon.
BRANDON: (WALKING AWAY AND MUMBLING)
What!! Whatever!! Air Headed Bottle Blonde Bimbo!!!
CARMEL:
Right then shall we commence with my journalistic talents then Amelia.
AMELIA:
Sorry...what do you want to do now.
CARMEL:
Start the interview...I want this to be as professional as possible...so no more interuptions please Amelia...time is no more our friend.
AMELIA:
Ok...Sorry...do you like your cafe Dordogne.
CARMEL:
Lovely...right then Amelia...giving that you've just become the latest celeb ambassador for PETApp...hows that affected your opinions and involvement towards the diminishing indian Tigers and Rhino's.
AMELIA:
Blimey don't hold back Carmel...I aint your random air headed 'Z' list front page glory hunter...don't shoot me down girlfriend.
CARMEL:
You don't have to get that close...the microphones very sensative.
AMELIA:
Ok...This is the last time...yes I was papped outside the "Peppermint Rhino" hanging onto Texas-James-Town-Jones...but I swear I never went back to his pent house apartment and joined him and two others for a six hour sex marathon inside his aqua gym...I don't care what Lexington 'L' Oregan said in her bitchy column...if she wants to blame me for ruining their silentt Tibetan themed wedding then that's her problem...and as for the "Indian Tiger" I havent stepped foot in that dump since my early lap dancing days.
CARMEL:
Right!! having just completed a large tour of inner city schools talking about the importance of education...what's your opinion towards the rise of the playground bully and the immense problems it may cause in later life.
AMELIA:
Well that's actually a very tricky one for me to explain about Carmel.
CARMEL:
Is it a sensitive topic....were you once the victim of bullies.
AMELIA:
Me Amelia Charente Dordogne...bullied...at school...yeah right...good one.
CARMEL:
Excuse me.
AMELIA:
As if any of those losers at "Bangton Highschool" could've bullied yours truly..
I was scond in command of the "Killem Rangers" we used to terrorise the playground every break time....every single specky,zitty, geeky kid used to be absolutely terrified of our gang...it was quite obliging of them actually.
CARMEL:
So in actual fact...you were...the school yard bully.
AMELIA:
well not just me...there was about 8 of us in total...all the sad nerds eventually got used to our demands...they actually sponsored our final year piss up in the pool room of the local bar...but give those losers credit... they never once reported us...some of them are bank managers now...is that kinda ironic...or something.
CARMEL:
Fascinating...which leads onto the latest craze "Binge Drinking" what's your opinion on this latest phenomenon...do you hyave a solution that might help the disrupted city centres from being seized upon every night.
AMELI:
Don't get me started on those danmn binge drinking yobs...I can't leave a club without being attacked by some intoxicated youth's wanting a quick photo oppertunity or fondle...it's not that i'm against them having fun.
CARMEL:
So you'd call the rise in violence and threatening behaviour due to binge drinking fun...would you Amelia.
AMELIA:
If they'd stay under the railway bridges or behind the sports fields...with their Alco pops and two litre bottles of ASBO juice...like we used too... then where's the harm...it's just basic teenage socialising training... it's not as though they have anything else to do... the government should start taking more of an interest in those sad, dirty, drunken bums...that just sit outside every phone shop with their rabid dogs...asking everyone to buy their counterfeit magazines...I actually bout one once...their useless.
CARMEL:
Do you mean the homeless and the "Big Issue"
AMELIA:
It is a bloody big issue as well...especially when you've no change.
CARMEL:
NO!! the magazine's called the "Big Issue"
AMELIA:
Well I read it and there weren't any issues that grabbed my attention and what sort of magazine hasn't a proper price anyway.
CARMEL:
It's a magazine for the homeless...to raise money...for homes.
AMELIA:
What haven't you seen their home at the bottom of Tottenham Court Road...i think it's called centre point...it's absolutely massive...bigger than Harvey Nicks.
CARMEL: (LOOKING AT HER WATCH)
MY TURN MY TURN MY TUR....interview over...if we rush...we'll be able to make the lunchtime rush at "Pain Au Oriole" Lucia's promised me ...that I can be his next calendar girl if i get him some inches.
AMELIA:
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT CARMEL LOIRE....your such a bloody attention seeking copy cat... it's always all about Me Me Me with you...and be quiet Rockford thinks this is a proper interviw and if Brandon ever finds out...i'll bloody have no chance...he hates any kind of falseness and I want that happy meal deal.