here's episode one of a sitcom I wrote some years ago, set in a call centre. I also did full character outlines and episode layouts, but that's just too much rubbish to put here, so if you're bored have a gander at it and hopefully a laugh or two. If not, then cest la vie, eh.

CANDY - By Lady Laughter

SCENE 1

Ext: Office Block: Afternoon

It is a bright, sunny morning. The outskirts of a busy city centre, with cars constantly moving past. The office building stands on its own by a busy crossroads, separated from the road by grass and foliage, which give way to concrete paving. Above the entrance in neat, large lettering is the company name: C & Y.

SCENE 2

Int: Reception Area: Afternoon

Shaped like a T, with the door at the stem and a reception desk at the crux. At either end of the arms of the T there are entry doors to the rest of the building. People are going through them by holding up a pass card. Underneath the arms of the T are plants and flowers with a water feature. Sat at the reception desk is Shaz, who is talking to a Visitor to the building. He is a typical businessman in a suit, with a suitcase that he has put down by his side.

SHAZ: Okay, sir. If you'd like to just put your name there, the person you are visitings' name there, and give me a major credit card you can go on in.

VISITOR: (writing) Oh... kay. What do you mean, a major credit card?

SHAZ: It's just a security procedure, sir, in case you steal something.

VISITOR: But I've never stolen anything in my life!

SHAZ:Best not start now then, eh? Come on, cough it up.

The Visitor reluctantly hands over a credit card, and Shaz gives him a pass card. He moves off towards the office entry door .Shaz turns round in her swivel chair. Her computer is logged into an internet auction site, and she starts typing the credit card number into the box labelled "Please enter your credit card number to complete purchase". She is humming happily.

SCENE 3

Int: Training Room: Afternoon

The training room is of a medium size with several tables lined up. Sitting at one table is Dave. At another, in her wheelchair, is Caroline. On the walls are the usual motivational posters, with the occasional un PC one, for example: "Customers? Bollocks To Them". At the front of the room in front of a television and video is Gerald.

GERALD:Right, you fellows, we seem to be one short, but I'm sure he'll turn up in a mo. If you could just stick on the name badges I've made for you, so we all know who each other is that would be lovely. (He is already wearing a badge) My name, as you can see, is Gerald, and I'm the head training officer here at C & Y.

(Beat, thinking) Actually, I'm the only training officer, but you see what I mean, eh?

CAROLINE: This isn't my name. I'm Caroline, this says Carline.

GERALD: Oh.

(Beat) Dreadfully sorry Caroline. Look, it's just the three of us in here, so why don't you just pop it on anyway, eh?

Cut to a corridor: same time

Nigel is running down corridors, narrowly avoiding other staff. He is breathing heavily.

Cut back to training room: same time

CAROLINE:But Carline makes me sound like a traffic jam.

DAVEhe's not wrong there, Gerald my old son. I have to say, it's a poor start.

CAROLINEh never mind. Look, I'll put it on, (she does so as she is speaking) but anyone who calls me Carline gets a smack, okay?

Cut to a corridor again: same time

Nigel rounds the final corner and collides with a canteen worker pushing a trolley laden with executive food.

Cut back to training room: same time

There is an almighty crash from outside the door, which grabs everyone's attention. A couple of seconds pass and there is a knock on the door. Gerald opens it and Nigel walks in with as much dignity as he can, considering he is a bit of a mess, with various stains and some lettuce on his shoulder.

NIGELorry I'm late. Buses, you know...

GERALDh dear, you certainly look like you've been in the wars. You must be Nigel, yes?

NIGELresent and correct. Sorry about the mess.

GERALDon't worry about that, just take a seat and pop on this name badge, okay? We were just about to start off with introductions. My name is...

NIGEL:Gerald, yes. I can tell from the badge, which means that you must be Dave, and the young lady here is

(Beat, making sure he has it right) Carline? Hah! Sounds like a traffic jam.

Caroline is definitely not amused. Her eyes glow red, and Nigel suddenly bursts into flames, careering around screaming. Her eyes stop glowing and reality is back again.

CAROLINE:It's Caroline. Don't forget it.

NIGELorry. My fault. It does actually say Carline on the badge, though.

CAROLINE:I know.

(beat) It's wrong.

GERALD:Right, right. I think we've got all that settled. Take a seat, Nigel, and tell us a bit about yourself.

NIGEL:Well, obviously my name is Nigel, and I'm twenty five, and I've got a degree in chemistry, a degree in mathematics, a degree in English Literature and I'm a member of Mensa.

CAROLINEh Christ, you're one of those aren't you.

NIGEL:I'm sorry, one of whom?

CAROLINE:An eternal bloody student. I bet this is your first job, isn't it?

NIGEL:It might be, so what?

CAROLINE:It's just that you've spent God knows how many years getting useless degrees only to wind up in the same leaky boat as the rest of us.

NIGEL:If you know so bloody much then why are you here?

CAROLINE:I haven't had much luck with jobs. I think it has something to do with my sparkling personality, not to mention the fact that I call a spade a spade and a twat a twat. Dunno about Davy though. What's your story Dave?

DAVE:It's a sad one, love, a sad, lonely tale. I used to be a big man, you know.

CAROLINE:Jesus! How fat were you before then?

DAVE:I don't mean by volume. I'm a big man, I know, but I used to have me own company. Very successful, as well. Big Dave Haulage it was. You probably saw our trucks thundering up and down the motorways.

NIGEL:You mean like Eddie Stobarts?

DAVEHis face goes totally blank, his voice monotone) Eddie... Stobart...

Cut To: Extesolate Landscape; Dusk

An Eddie Stobart lorry, which seems to be normal size. Suddenly, a foot comes crashing down, smashing it.The foot belongs to Dave, who keeps stamping and laughing like a maniac. The sky above him is red, filled with lightning flashes.

Cut back to Training Room: A little time has passed. Dave is waking up from a faint. Gerald has obviously just thrown some water over him.

GERALD:Are you okay, Dave. You seemed to have a bit of a funny turn there.

DAVEStill Groggy). Uh, yes, fine, Gerald, my old son. It's just that I don't react well to the, um, E S company. Not only did the bastards do me out of business with their startling effectiveness, but the bloody wife ran away with one of their drivers as well as my savings, leaving me right at the bottom of the ladder again.

CAROLINE:Which explains why you're here I suppose. (To self) Useless tit.

GERALD: Right then. Now that we're all acquainted, why don't we watch the training film.

Gerald fiddles with the TV and video, and they all watch the film.

SCENE 4 (THE TRAINING FILM)

The room is large, with paintings on the walls and a large desk at one end. Seated at the desk is a handsome Administrator, and on his lap is a scantily dressed attractive girl. There is a pint of beer and a telephone in front of him.

VOICE OVER:Hello, and welcome to C & Y. As soon as is legally possible, we'll have you working the phones, just like the chap you see here.

A message flashes on the screen: "Actual call centres may vary"

VOICE OVER:At C & Y we exclusively take complaint calls from several leading companies, from Insurance providers to washing machine manufacturers, we don't care, and we do it with a smile. Just look how easy it is.

The phone on the desk rings whilst the Administrator is taking a sip of his beer. The attractive girl picks up the receiver and holds it to his ear with a giggle.

ADMINISTRATOR: Mmmm... Yes... I see. Now get stuffed and never bother us again.

The attractive girl hangs up the telephone for him and they snog passionately.

VOICE OVER:You see how easy it is? Why, even a retarded person could do this job, which is why we employ so many, in addition to the fact that they don't expect too much money. I'm sure you're probably thinking that it must be much more complicated than that, so here's a genuine case scenario to put your mind at rest.

A still picture of an old lady, looking happy.

VOICE OVER:This is Mrs Jackson. She has a cat called Tiddles.

A picture of a white cat.

VOICE OVER:Tiddles was not a good cat, and one day got himself covered in oil. Mrs Jackson was not pleased.

Another picture of Mrs Jackson, this time holding an oily Tiddles and looking cross.

VOICE OVER:Luckily, Mrs Jackson had just bought a new washing machine from Fujirama Industries, so she did what any self respecting stupid old lady would do - she put Tiddles in the machine.

A picture of a shiny new washing machine.

VOICE OVER:Naturally, Tiddles died. Mrs Jackson was not pleased.

A picture of Mrs Jackson next to a picture of Tiddles on the mantelpiece, with an RIP garland over it. She is dabbing at tearful eyes.

VOICE OVER:Mrs Jackson was convinced that it was all the fault of Mr Fujirama for not stating in the instructions that it is not advisable to put cats in his washing machines. The last thing Mr Fujirama wanted was to have any of his staff lower themselves to having to talk to people like Mrs Jackson, so when she phoned his complaints number she was put through to us at C & Y. Mrs Jackson was still not pleased.

Mrs Jackson on the phone, looking fit to burst.

VOICE OVER:This is what actually happened when she explained her plight to our highly trained customer services operative.

Call centre. The Administrator is still snogging the girl. The phone rings and she again picks it up and holds it to his ear. From the phone come Mrs Jackson's squeaky rantings.

ADMINISTRATOR:Yes Mrs Jackson. I see.

(Beat) Mmmm. I think I have the gist of it now.

(Beat) The problem is that you are a complete idiot, now sod off.

The girl hangs up the phone and they go back to snogging.

VOICE OVERo there you have it. Welcome to C & Y, the company that doesn't care so you don't have to.

The video comes to an end.

SCENE 5

Int: Training Room: Afternoon

Gerald takes the tape out of the machine. The three trainees look aghast.

GERALD:Right then. There you have it. It's as easy as pie. Now in the past we used to train you for at least a week, but what with cost cutting and all, that was it. Does anyone have any questions?

NIGEL:Questions? I should bloody well say so? Do you mean to tell us that we are expected to sit all day fielding calls from homicidally cranky people for minimum wage?

GERALD:Well, that does sort of sum it up, yes. However, if any one of you has a better job they can go to, I suggest they leave now.

(He waits a few seconds. Nobody moves.)

I thought not. Oh yes, just one more thing, are any of you, um, gay?

DAVE:You what? You can't ask that! If I'd tried that on at BDH it would've been like telling the Unions I was Jesus and giving them a do it yourself crucifixion kit.

GERALDShouting in an American accent) I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU, MISTER. WHERE DO YOU COME FROM, BOY?

DAVE:Erm, Yorkshire?

GERALDNLY TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE COME FROM YORKSHIRE, BOY - STEERS AND QUEERS. NOW WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

DAVE:Are you all right Gerald? You seem to have gone a bit loopy.

GERALDh, um, sorry. Just a little glitch in the old brain. Nothing to worry about, but if you see me with an AK 47 I'd advise that you run away. Very fast. Now then, where were we... oh yes - are any of you gay?

(Beat) Okay, I'll take that as a no. It's just that management likes to put them all in the accounts department so we know where they all are. I swear, you've never seen so much pink in one department in your life... Anyway, it's time to get you chaps settled in, so follow me.

SCENE 6

Int: Call Centre: Afternoon

At one end of the call centre area, a lift disgorges Gerald, Dave, Caroline and Nigel. Gerald leads them out, and they stop.

GERALD:Well chaps, and chapesses of course, this is it. This is where the magic happens.

We overhear three one-sided conversations from different operators.

OPERATOR 1f course I hear what you are saying, Mrs Gunderson, but can I just ask if you believe in God?

(beat) you do? Good. Well, as you know, noting happens in the world without God knowing, and as such we class the fact that your television blew up after three days as an act of God, and as you can see from your policy Acts Of God are not covered, so tough titty...

OPERATOR 2:Yes, I see, okay, yep, mm hmm, of course, if I could just say something? Thank you.

(beat) I really couldn't give a rat's arse. Goodbye.

OPERATOR 3o your DVD player caught fire and burned down your house, is that right? Well you think you've got problems, you should walk a mile in my shoes sir. Oh, I don't know where to start, but let me tell you, it's no picnic sitting here listening to you go on when I've got period pains the Spanish Inquisition would balk at inflicting on someone.. Hello? Hello?...

GERALD:Let's get you to your team mates, shall we?

They move off, with Gerald in front, and Dave at the rear. As they head slowly down the office, other staff call out "New Fish", "Fish" and the like. One is taking bets from the others.

JASON:Hey, Fergie, I'll take ten on the chubby fatass.

FERGIEWriting down "ten" in a column headed "Chubby Fatass") Ten it is.

Dave is obviously nervous and sweating. A few comments from staff members push him over the edge.

DAVE:Noooo! I can't stand this.

Dave breaks off from the rest and runs for it. Jason holds out his hand to Fergie, who hands him ten biros - the currency of the call centre.

SCENE 7

Int: Corridors: Afternoon

Dave is running down what seem to be endless, white corridors, panting and red. As he runs down one, a Sandman (like in Logan's Run) steps out, pointing a futuristic blaster at him.

SANDMAN 1:Runner!

Dave squeaks in terror and turns around to go back the way he came. Another Sandman steps out of the other end of the corridor.

SANDMAN 2:Runner!

Both Sandmen fire at the same time, and Dave's world goes black.

SCENE 8

Int: Call Centre: Afternoon

Gerald, Caroline and Nigel arrive at the team desk. It consists of a large rectangular desk area with room enough for six telephonists, with the supervisor, (Sarah-Jane) sitting at the head, whilst the other end is against the window. Only three of the six positions are occupied, by Richie, Claire and Kimberly.

GERALD: Good afternoon, Sarah-Jane. These are the new staff for your team. This is Caroline, Nigel and, um, well, we seem to be one short.

As he is speaking, the two Sandmen drag Dave in and dump him on the floor, where he gets up, dazed.

GERALDh yes, and Dave.

DAVELooking at Gerald, confused) Mother?

GERALD: Never mind, Dave. I'll leave you three in Sarah-Jane's capable hands, as I've got some gook women and children to savagely murder, I mean some paperwork to file.

Gerald leaves.

NIGEL: (Holding his hand out to Sarah-Jane) Good afternoon, I'm Nigel, and I'm sure we'll...

SARAH-JANECutting him off) Yes, whatever. Look, you seem like an annoying prick, so you can go with Kimberly over there. You, fatty, you go sit with Richie, and you, quota girl, can have the pleasure of sitting with Claire.

Nobody moves.

SARAH-JANEFive seconds, or you're all fired.

They all quickly move to sit with their appointed person.

SARAH-JANESmug) It's good to be the king...

The clock on the wall ticks to three pm, and a siren goes off. All the supervisors look up like dogs that have heard a fridge open (Some go "Yessss!"), and as one rise from their seats and leave the call centre. Some form a conga line.

SUBSCENE: DAVE and RICHIE:

DAVE:What the bloody hell was that all about?

RICHIE:Three O'clock mate. Every Friday arvo the supes all bugger off to a secret meeting and leave us to our own devices.

DAVE:What do they do there?

RICHIEon't know, don't care. Means we don't have to do anything though, which is the most important bit.

Richie takes off his earphones and taps a button on his phone console.

DAVE:But don't you get in trouble?

RICHIE:Nah. If you leave your phone on auto answer it still picks up calls. The idiot on the other end will spend a while going Hello? and all that, then hang up. Basically, it makes it look like we've all been taking loads of calls, and dealing with them quickly and efficiently.

DAVE: Isn't that deceitful to the management?

RICHIEThinks) Yes. It is. I'm Richie by the way.

DAVE: Dave. You're an Australian I take it?

RICHIE:I suppose you're gonna ask me where me hat with the corks on it is?

DAVE:No, not at all. I don't believe in stereotyping people.

RICHIEh. Well, it's in me draw here. (He opens his draw and pulls out an Aussie hat with corks swinging from the brim and puts it on, grinning proudly.) Beut, isn't she?

SUBSCENE: NIGEL and KIMBERLY

NIGEL:Hello. Nigel Coupland.

Nigel sticks out his hand for Kimberly to shake. She does so with obvious reluctance, looking at him like he is a lower life form.

KIMBERLY:Kimberley Hart-Davies. Charmed, I'm sure.

NIGEL:Nice to meet you, Kim.

In a fantasy scene, Kimberly suddenly lunges at Nigel and literally bites his head from his neck, leaving the headless corpse to topple to the floor.

KIMBERLY:It's KIMBERLY. NOT KIM!

NIGELkay, okay. No need to bite my head off.

SCENE 9

Int: Corridor: Afternoon

In the corridor, the supervisors and manager who so quickly departed the call centre. All disappear one by one through the door, looking excited. When we see through the door, it's a tropical beach with a beach bar and a game of volleyball going on.

SCENE 10

Int: Call Centre: Afternoon

SUBSCENE: CAROLINE AND CLAIRE

CLAIREkay, Caroline. Let's just go through it one more time. What is the first rule of the Call Centre?

CAROLINE:This is stupid, Claire.

CLAIRE:This is not stupid, this is deadly serious. There are people out there who would kill for our secrets.

CAROLINE:But I haven't even been given the code to the photocopier yet.

CLAIRE:It doesn't matter. Now come on... what is the first rule of the Call Centre?

CAROLINESighs) We don't talk about the Call Centre.

CLAIRE:Good. Now what is the second rule of the Call Centre.

CAROLINE: For some reason it's also that we don't talk about the Call Centre. I don't get it. Why is it rule number one and rule number two?

CLAIRE:It just is.

CAROLINE:But why?

CLAIRE:Well, it's to really reinforce the fact that you shouldn't talk about the Call Centre.

CAROLINE:I'm hardly likely to forget, am I? I mean, it's rule number one, the big cheese, the head honcho. It just seems like a bit of a waste.

CLAIRE:Ah, yes...

CAROLINEInterrupting) And I've got the pamphlet you gave me, which is scary, but beautifully written. (She waves it in front of her. It is titled "How Not To Talk About the Call Centre" by Claire Palahniuk.) Look, just trust me on this: I will not be telling anyone about working here, I'll tell them I've got a nicer, more respectable job, like a life guard at a swimming pool filled with goat sperm.

(Beat) Anyway, why on earth would anyone want to know our secrets?

CLAIREh, believe me, there are forces at work that you wouldn't believe. We are monitored at all times. They know I know, of course, but I'm smarter than they are. I never say anything out loud that could give them the edge that they need.

CAROLINE:Is that the edge of sanity that you've obviously stumbled off of?

Claire scribbles on a post it note and shows Caroline. It says "This is the only way we can be sure of communicating in private."

CAROLINE:What if they have cameras as well, Claire?

Claire squeaks in extreme alarm and hurriedly stuffs the post it in her mouth and swallows it.

SUBSCENE: NIGEL AND KIMBERLY

NIGEL:I'm in Mensa, you know.

KIMBERLY:Big deal. I'm in Mensa.

NIGEL: Really? Well, that's something in common then, isn't it? Come on Kimberly, we should be uniting against all the thickies here, not bickering.

KIMBERLY:As far as I'm concerned, you are one of the thickies here.

NIGELConfused and disappointed) But I'm in Mensa as well...

KIMBERLYhow me your card. (Nigel proudly gets his Mensa membership card out of his wallet. It is very ordinary. Kimberly looks at it disdainfully.) Thought so.

(Beat) Thickie.

NIGEL:Well what makes you any better. Where's your membership card, if indeed you are a member.

Kimberly looks at him smugly, then takes a small leather mini briefcase from her handbag. She faces it towards Nigel and slowly opens the lid. All we see is the golden glow that emanates from it and illuminates his gobsmacked face. She closes it and puts it away, then pointedly looks him in the eyes and spitefully flicks the Vs at him.

SUBSCENE: DAVE AND RICHIE

RICHIEo, Davey.

DAVEInterrupting) Dave.

RICHIEMakes "Oooh! Hark AT Him!" Type face) So, Davey - who's the raving piece of crumpet that rolled in with you then?

DAVEConfused) What? Nigel?

RICHIE:No! The chick, the Sheila, the bird. The wheelie wench!

DAVEh, you mean Caroline. Are you sure you don't need glasses?

RICHIEhe's a corker, mate. Bit of a frowner though. She looks like a manic depressive who's just had to sit through ten years of EastEnders Christmas episodes.

DAVE:From what I've seen, old son, that means she's in one of her better moods. That girl could curdle milk whilst it's still in the cow.

RICHIE:All she needs is a bit of the old Richie magic, mate.

DAVEaul bloody Daniels couldn't magic a smile out of that one.

RICHIE:Nah. She'll be right. (He gives Caroline a big smile and a saucy wink. She gives him the finger)

DAVE:Great act, Richie, you should take it to Vegas.

RICHIE:All in good time, mate, all in good time.

SUBSCENE: CAROLINE AND CLAIRE

CAROLINE:Look, Claire. Nobody is watching you, nobody is recording your conversations, and aliens are not at all baffled by your tin foil hat.

CLAIRE:But what about what my cats told me?

CAROLINE:Your cats were just messing about with you. Cats are like that.

CLAIRE:Well... I suppose it must seem a little far fetched. (She catches sight of something out of the corner of her eye, then turns to look at her computer screen. She shrieks and runs off. Caroline looks at the screen, which says "We are watching you, human, bwah ha haaaaahhh!" She looks puzzled then realises that Claire's keyboard isn't connected to the terminal. She pulls the lead that is connected and Richie's keyboard jerks forward. Richie is grinning like a loon.)

CAROLINELaughing) You bastard...

SCENE 11

Int: Reception: Five pm

Shaz is sat at her desk, putting her things away, ready to go home. Mr Ennis comes up to her, one hand behind his back.

MR ENNIS:Hello. I'd like to see Mr Norris please.

SHAZ:Hang on... aren't you Mr Ennis who was fired last week and promised to return and cut Mr Norris' head off with a chainsaw?

MR ENNIS:Yes. That's me.

SHAZh. Well, I'm going home, so help yourself. (She gives him a door pass, picks up her bag and leaves.)

MR ENNIS:Excellent. (He moves an ice hockey goalie mask down from the top of his head, and pulls out the chainsaw he has had hidden behind his back. He starts it up and raises it over his head.)

(Shouting) I'M COMING FOR YOU NORRIS! (he runs off screen)

THE END