SCENE 1. : INT: MARCUS & DEB’S KITCHEN. 21.35PM. MARCUS AND DEB’S ARE SITTING AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE WITH THEIR FRIENDS ALEX AND NICOLA. THEY HAVE JUST FINISHED A DINNER PARTY .
ALEX:
Think I better hit the Gym tomorrow….. especially after those fritters.
NICOLA:
Me too, that was delicious Debs. How did you get the risotto so perfect and creamy?
DEBS SMILES AND THEN FOLDS HER ARMS.
DEBS:
How did it go with the bank manager yesterday?
NICOLA LOOKS GRAVELY AT ALEX.
ALEX: (KEEPING HIS GAZE ON NICOLA)
Well, we’ve er decided….. that we’re not going to through with the second mortgage.
DEBS:
That’s a surprise.
NICOLA:
Well, it’s just with the IVF and one or two other things this year….. we thought it best that we didn’t commit to a second property.
DEBS:
Yes, but you both turned 30 this year. Thirty years of age and only one property between you.
NICOLA:
But Debs, it’s just the with IVF this year. We really want a baby.
DEBS:
But you’ve only got one property! I mean, what will you say when you meet people. “Oh, hello, we’re the Appletons and we’ve got one property”. I mean, would would they think of you?
MARCUS FINISHES POURING THE COFFEE AND SITS DOWN.
MARCUS:
I’d bloody well get in now….get in while the going is good. Before the whole bloody bottom falls out of the property market.
NICOLA:
But we’re really desperate for a child….aren’t we darling?
ALEX IGNORES HER.
ALEX:
So Marky, how many properties do you guys actually have right now?
MARCUS: (PUFFING OUT HIS CHEST)
Twelve. We got twelve properties.
THERE IS A PAUSE AS THEY NICOLA AND ALEX SIP THEIR COFFEE. DEBS IS STARING AT THEM.
ALEX: (TURNING TO NICOLA)
Maybe we should arrange to see the bank Manager again darling.
NICOLA LOOKS LIKE SHE IS ABOUT TO CRY.
DEBS:
I know you guys want a child but we didn’t get where we are today by beating around the bush. Did we Marky?
MARCUS: (POINTING AT THEM, RED-FACED)
If I were you, I’d go back to that two bit bank manager and I’d bloody well tell him we’re taking out a second mortgage by hook or by crook.
ALEX: (TURNING TO NICOLA)
He has a point darling.
DEBS:
We may be set-up for life now but I can assure it wasn’t easy. I mean, Marky’s Daddy might have bought us the first five or six properties but we had to rent them out and find tenants. It wasn’t easy. We have had to make a lot of sacrifices over the years to get where we are today but it has been worth it, hasn’t it Marky?
MARCUS:
Absolutely darling. Now, who fancies a game of monopoly?
SCENE 2. INT. DEBS AND MARCUS’S BEDROOM. THEY ARE PERPARING TO GO TO BED – NIGHT –23.50PM
DEBS: (FOLDING HER KNICKERS CAREFULLY)
Honestly darling, those two are absolutely pathetic. Humming and hawing about getting their second property.
MARCUS:
Bloody ghastly! A bloody ghastly pair of losers. I tell you darling, I don’t want them darkening the door of our house again. Get rid of them!
DEBS:
Oh, I couldn’t agree more sweetie. I mean, imagine putting IVF before getting another property. How could anybody say a baby is more important than getting a second property? It’s absolutely ludicrous.
MARCUS PUSHES HER ONTO THE BED.
DEBS:
Uhh, stiff already.
MARCUS:
You bloody bet I am! (ENTERING HER). Talk to me Debs.
DEBS:
Tell me how many properties you have!
MARCUS:
Twelve!
DEBS:
How many?
MARCUS:
Twelve!
DEBS:
Louder!
MARCUS:
TWELVE!
DEBS: (GROANING)
And if we get that those cheap Latvian builders in again….
MARCUS: (PANTING)
Yessss?
DEBS:
And if they convert the attic in Addison Road.....
MARCUS: (PANTING LOUDER)
We could let it out for an extra £200 a month!
DEBS: (ORGASMING)
Yes! Oh YES!
MARCUS: (STARING, WILD EYED AT HER)
Now tell me darling. Who’s the man?
DEBS:
YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE MAN!
MARCUS: (EJACULATING)
Yes, I bloody well am.
HE CRAWLS OFF HER.
DEBS:
Gimme a f**king cigarette!
MARCUS TOSSES HER THE BOX FROM THE LOCKER. DEBS SMIRKS AT HIM, THEN SQUINTS AT THE BOX.
DEBS:
Consulate! Since when did you smoke Consulate?
MARCUS:
Oh, they’re not mine. I nicked off the tenants in number 22.
