ME AND HIM
BY
MICHAEL

PART ONE.
THE INTRODUCTION.

ME, A SINGLE GUY WHO LIVES ALONE IS TAKING A LEAK JUST BEFORE GOING TO BED.

UNKNOWN VOICE
Hello mate, how are you doing?

ME (whilst yawning looks around at the empty bathroom)
Huh?

UNKNOWN VOICE
Careful you don’t splash.

ME (looks down to his lower quarters from where the voice seems to be coming from)
What…who said that?

UNKNOWN VOICE
It’s me your buddy, your friend…your pal.

ME (now looking at my penis…who will be referred to as HE or HIM)
My buddy you say?

HIM
Yep, that’s right…buddy.

ME (still looking down)
You talk?

HIM
That’s what it sounds like right, but I talk through you, not physically at you I mean…you don’t see any lips on me do you?

ME (examining HIM)
No I guess not…

HIM
There you go then. I mean the other gender has got lips, but not us boys.

ME (is now frowning in disbelief)
I see what you mean…I think

HIM (gives a small cough)
By the way, can you loosen the grip a little, you’re squeezing me

ME (relaxes his grip a little)
Oh sorry…is that better?

HIM
Yes, that’s just fine thanks

ME (closes his eyes for a moment and shakes his head, trying to make sense of the situation, then whispers)
What the f**k is going on?

HIM
I’ll tell you what is going on…we are having a conversation, that’s what is going on

ME (opens his eyes and looks at HIM again)
A conversation you say? You mean to say that I am having a conversation with my…you know what?

HIM
Yep, that’s exactly right

ME (lifts HIM up a little and addresses him, eye to eye)
Kind of strange…don’t you think?

HIM
I guess so, but, it’s the first time for me too, and I have seen some strange things in my time…well you would know that right

ME
You can see as well as talk?

HIM
Everything I do, is done through you…I have all of your senses, though sometimes I must confess that I wish I hadn’t. You have put me in some bad and embarrassing situations in the past, though I am not one to complain

ME
Let’s not talk about that right now. Why don’t you tell me what we are doing?

HIM
Well, I was taking a leak, while you were holding me

ME
I know that I was…sorry…you was taking a frigging leak, but what I actually meant was…what’s happening here, err, this conversation

HIM
I guess we are breaking the ice, in a manner of speaking

ME (looks up at the heavens and rolls his eyes)

HIM
I thought you might have trouble believing that

ME (now looking down again at HIM)
Let me get this straight. You are telling me that I am having a conversation with my you know what…so as to break the ice?

HIM
That’s exactly what I am saying

ME (with an obvious sign of annoyance in his voice)
And what is the purpose of this…err…ice breaking?

HIM
I’m not sure, but let’s just see where this takes us okay?

ME (his voice now raised and angry like, starts to shake HIM quite violently)
I’ll tell you where this is going to take us my little friend. To a bloody physiatrist, that’s where, and maybe, if I am lucky, to a low security loony asylum

HIM
Hey cut that out, you are going to hurt yourself, and give me a migraine

ME
Just shut up okay…! (Then shoves HIM into his pants)

THERE IS A SPELL OF QUIET.
ME OPENS THE MEDICINE CABINET AND PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF PILLS.

HIM
I wouldn’t take them if I were you, you don’t need them. You will just end up upsetting your stomach, and then make it hell for me down here when it comes to urinating later

ME (looks down again)
I thought I told you to shut up

HIM
Don’t say I didn’t warn you…!

ME (swallows a handful of pills down a dry throat)
I won’t, okay…now just shut up please, before I go nuts and really do end up at a physiatrist!

ANOTHER SPELL OF QUIET AS ME LOOKS IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR, CHECKING HIS TONGUE AND FACE FOR ANY SIGNS OF SICKNESS. ALL SEEMS OKAY. ME BRUSHES HIS TEETH, AND LETS OUT A DEEP ( AS IF THANK GOD IT’S OVER BREATHE). JUST THEN…

HIM
Listen…I have been thinking, and if it’s any consolation, I personally don’t think that you need a shrink

ME (looks again into the mirror and whispers)
It must be that joint I smoked earlier…I shouldn’t have made it so strong, or maybe they put some other shit in there

HIM
If you want my opinion, I don’t think it’s the joint

ME
I have heard that some guys, who are dicks, have opinions…but…

HIM
I am just trying to help

ME
Help? Tell me, how can you even have a bloody opinion, or even think? You said that you do everything through me…so it means that I think for you too, therefore your bloody opinions are MINE…right?

HIM
I do everything except think, through you. I share your senses, but I do have a head you know, or didn’t you notice?

ME
I know you have a head, but, I didn’t know you have a brain too

HIM
Oh, I can assure you I have a brain…I’m not stupid

ME
I suppose you have an IQ too!

HIM
I probably have…somewhere

GUY (still looking in the mirror, a little desperation now in his voice)
Listen my little friend…I have a question for that brain of yours. Can you tell me why now, after forty three years of my life here on Earth, that you have decided to talk to me? I mean…why now? Answer that one please

HIM
I’m not really sure, but from what I have heard, it could be that your male menopause has started, though I’m not sure, but that would be my first guess

ME (laughs out aloud)
Male menopause you say? And where did you hear that from?

HIM
Watching discovery channel repeats every night while you are asleep, stoned out of your head in that awfully uncomfortable armchair. I also picked up some information in my travels. I have been around, well, you know that WE have been around…used to get around, not so much NOW though, which reminds me…why don’t WE get to see much action nowadays?

ME
Look, I don’t want to talk about THAT right now…shouldn’t we break the ice first and get to know each other, before we go into deeper matters?

HIM
I hope you are not thinking of joining the other team, voting they other way…Oh my, you are not, are you, please tell me that you are not!

ME
Don’t be ridiculous

HIM
Well, as long as you are certain…

ME
I would never do that, I mean, I would never even let you do that, even if you WANTED

THERE WAS A PAUSE AS ME SCRATCHED HIS ARSE AND THOUGHT…THEN

ME
I need a drink, would you care to join me?

HIM (sniggering)
I’ll go wherever you take me, but please not on that armchair

ME
Oh…you have a sense of humour do you?

HIM
Of course I do...I share the same things as you, we are one and the same. You know the only real difference between us?”

ME
No…come on then, impress me

HIM (again sniggering)
It’s that YOUR brain, is a little bigger

ME (who is annoyed now)
Look, you want me to stand here while you hang around taking the piss out of each other, is that why you are here, to make fun?

HIM
Relax Max, don’t take things too personally okay. I’m just kidding with you

ME
My name is not Max, wise guy, and I was relaxed until you showed up

HIM
Look, let’s have that drink okay, I think we both need it

ME
Good idea

ME HAS JUST SAT DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, CAN OF BEER IN HAND. ME TAKES A BIG GULP…AND THEN

HIM
So, where were we?

ME
You again, I was hoping that you had gone

HIM
I was just waiting for you to get comfortable, and hey, don’t be so mean to your brother

ME
Well, BROTHER…how should I be reacting?

HIM
I guess you have a point there, by the way, can you open your legs slightly, I’m a little cramped

A PAUSE AS ME TAKES ANOTHER GULP OF BEER, AND THEN MAKES HIM COMFORTABLE

HIM
Thanks bro

ME
You are welcome…now, you were saying something about my male menopause if I remember rightly?

HIM
Oh yes… apparently, the sexual part of your body starts giving signals when that you know…that problem time in one’s life comes around…

ME
Yes, I’m listening…you mean the menopause?

HIM
Right, this is where I come in. You see I’m the final link in the chain, whatever sexual problems your body is having, all get filtered through to me. This is where I suddenly acquire a voice, and come to speak with you, so as to help you…

ME
But maybe I don’t want, or don’t need help

HIM
For me to be here, it means that you need help

ME
What do you suggest we do then?”

HIM
I really don’t know, as I said, it’s a first for me too

ME
Well…excuse my phrase, but, what do people who think they are normal, but actually need help, normally do in these circumstances?

HIM
Well…from what I have heard, depending on each individuals situation of course, is that you must prove yourself, as a man sort of thing

ME
Prove myself you say?

HIM
That’s right

ME
To whom must I prove myself?

HIM
To yourself, I would imagine, that’s who

ME DRINKS SOME MORE BEER AND TAKES A DEEP BREATHE, THEN IN A SARCASTIC VOICE

ME
Let me take a wild guess as to what you are implying. You mean I should quit my job, draw out my savings, buy an open top sorts car, a new wardrobe of clothes, dye my hair, and eyebrows, and then drive across the country with you, shagging every slim ex eastern block twenty year old girl that I meet along the way?

HIM
Well, that would be a good start I guess

ME
Well, that isn’t going to happen

THERE WAS A SHORT PAUSE, THEN

HIM
So what will you do? I mean what we will do?

ME
I’ll tell you what I am going to do. First thing in the morning, I am going to see my priest

HIM
Why, do you think you need an exorcism?

ME
Maybe I do, I am not sure?

HIM
What are you going to do…tie me down and throw holy water on me, while some priest recites parts of the bible?

ME
I haven’t thought of that yet, but I will sleep on it

HIM
You can’t rid me, or hurt me with an exorcism, castration maybe, but certainly not with an exorcism…anyhow, I am not the devil, I am your friend.

ME
Well maybe I will visit the butcher then…my FRIEND

HIM
You wouldn’t…would you?

ME
Listen you little shit…I’m going to bed…just shut up and leave me alone, unless you really do want to go and visit my butcher friend

HIM
I know you wouldn’t, you need me as much as I need you…you are just trying to scare me

ME (DRINKS THE REMAINING BEER IN THE TIN, AND SLAMS THE TIN ON THE TABLE)

ME
I could go down town to the local synagogue and see if they could sort out one of them circumcisions for me. I heard they are giving them for free trying to encourage more people to their faith, how does that sound, huh, a little minor surgery, might even do you some good…

A SLIGHT PAUSE, THEN

HIM
Okay, okay, you win, I will shut up, for now, and let you sleep on it

ME
Good, thank you

HIM
You are welcome…Good night then

ME
Good night

ME GOES TO THE BED ROOM AND FALLS ASLEEP. THE NEXT MORNING…….TO BE CONTINUED.

Something I just put together...it's my first try, so please, BE GENTLE.

Read it all the way through. Held my interest. Nice original idea, well written, maybe a bit over-long (especially if 'to be continued'). The character of 'HIM' is a little bland in my opinion ... a bit more 'depression' on HIM's part (maybe a bit more in the style of Marvin the robot in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) as I suppose it can be pretty depressing down there!! Good work though and your command of English is IMO good too (hope that doesn't sound patronising!).

Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it, and as it's the first EVER comment on my first EVER posting, I will print it and have it framed! As mentioned, it was just something that sprang to mind, and it was just some fun. I will take your points into consideration, thanks.By the way, you didn't mention if it made you actually laugh, and also, sorry for my ignorance, but I have to ask, what does IMO stand for?

IMO = In My Opinion. A variation of that is IMHO (In My Humble Opinion) but I'm not feeling particularly humble today! Regarding 'did it make me laugh?' ... well, the general idea made me laugh, mainly because of the originality of the piece and the absurdity of the story's content. I mentioned the Marvin character type because that would, I think, enable creation of more laughs in what is essentially a monologue vaguely directed at a member of the pubic!!!! The whole thing has potential though ... stick at it!

It could do with a bit of trimming I'd say sagged a bit n the middle but good idea I chuckled few times and who hasnt had a conversation with their Gentleman after a few lol

Thanks for the imput Gavin, a bit of trimming, taken into account, and as I used to be into cutting and trimming ( the rag trade ) it should be right up my street. Also, the sagging in the middle, was that a PUN by any chance
Will carry on as long as I am emjoying it right, after all, thats what it boils down to, right?
Thanks again.

Did you like Gavin's input? What about mine?

A good idea but maybe you could have cut it down a bit. What about him complaining about being suffocated when you put that tight thing over his head - and him being wide awake in the morning before you are?

Thanks David for your input too. I have so many ideas, and situations that can be woven onto this....it's almost unlimitless, as you mentioned about the condom, and being awake while the other is asleep....the list is limitless..I mean I want to make it like, mr X, ( who is a bean like character ) suddenly comes into that time of his life) His 'you know what' is like a Michael Caine sort of voice/character, they talk, and after the initial introduction, where X is scared senseless,over time they become friends, and work together trying to resolve the problem, eg...nights out on the town with attempts that end up in failure and funny situations with the ladies. I am trying to rewrite the introduction, and try and have more gags in a shorter version. I am also trying to give them both character, instead of just voices. I do want to make this into a series of sketches, even though the demand for something like this maybe somewhat limited, eg...men's magazines (which is the ONLY market that I can think of at the time being) any other ideas for a market for this type of thing would be most WELCOME. BUT, as I said, I will continue as Ihave SO SO MANY ideas in the back of my head (the top one ) Maybe I SHOULD ask him downstairs too.! Again, thanks for your input....

Could be a radio thing - if it was rewritten that way. It would then all be the mind and wouldn't need any visual that would probably have to be censored. It wouldn't need much adapting.

Difficult to say. it's quirky, has moments.

I think it needs something more. I'm going to read it through again later this morning and leave more of an opinion. But it is quirky enough to be different to attract attention. What I am worried about now, is this: Is it a strong enough idea to sustain it? Is there enough scope for it to grow organically without another format or device having to be employed...

Let me drink a pint of expresso and come back to you.

...and by the way, do you have to squeeze me quite so tight?