Hi guys, just hoping for any feedback I can get at the moment - trying to make my jokes stick within my sketches and think I may be struggling

Mice Consultancy Expert -
A woman has called pest control because she thinks she has a mice infestation.

Pest Control Man 1
Its bad news I'm afraid. We have found very real evidence of mice presence.

Woman
What kind of evidence?

Pest Control Man 2
Just the usual: Finger prints, DNA, Half eaten blocks of cheese - that sort of thing.

Pest Control Man 1
(showing photograph of a mouse)
We believe this to be the main suspect. He is reported to have broken into and entered several other houses in this area.

Woman
What can you do about it?

Pest Control Man 1
At the moment the culprit is still at large and we are working hard to catch him. We can offer you 24 hour police protection, and set up several large traps around your home so that you feel safe.

Woman
This all sounds a bit serious, is the mouse dangerous?

Pest Control Man 2
We have no way of knowing that I am afraid but we have to be prepared for every possibility. Don't worry though madam we have our best people on the job.

Pest Control Man 1
Yes you see, in order to catch a mouse you have to think like a mouse. Susan come in here a minute please.

Susan scurries in on the floor dressed as a mouse.

Pest Control Man 2
Susan is our finest Mice consultancy expert. If anyone can find this tricky rodent it is her.

Susan spots some half eaten cheese on the floor and starts nibbling at it.

The idea is very funny, but you got lazy after that. You know yourself this needs work so come on and get this one going as I look forward to reading it.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 15 2013, 6:42 PM BST

The idea is very funny, but you got lazy after that. You know yourself this needs work so come on and get this one going as I look forward to reading it.

View original

Hi Teddy - completely agree with you, think I lost my way and I'm not sure I can think of a worthy finish

The only other idea I had was to extend it into a James Bond parody but it feels like I have crowbarred it in

Can you please have a look and let me know what you think - it might be one that I just have to completely restart

----

Pest Control Man 1
Its bad news I'm afraid. We have found very real evidence of mice presence.

Woman
What kind of evidence?

Pest Control Man 2
Just the usual: Finger prints, DNA, Half eaten blocks of cheese - that sort of thing.

Pest Control Man 1
(showing photograph of a mouse)
We believe this to be the main suspect. He is reported to have broken into and entered several other houses in this area.

Woman
What can you do about it?

Pest Control Man 1
At the moment the culprit is still at large and we are working hard to catch him. We can offer you 24 hour police protection, and set up several large traps around your home so that you feel safe.

Woman
This all sounds a bit serious, is the mouse dangerous?

Pest Control Man 2
We have no way of knowing that I am afraid but we have to be prepared for every possibility. Don't worry though madam we have our best people on the job.

Pest Control Man 1
Yes you see, in order to catch a mouse you have to think like a mouse. Susan, please come in here.

Susan scurries in on the floor dressed as a mouse, wearing a bow-tie.

Pest Control Man 2
Susan is our finest Mice consultancy expert. If anyone can find this tricky rodent it is her.

Pest Control Man 1
She is highly trained in mice espionage - kind of the 'James Bond' of the pest control world.

Pest Control Man 2
There are no lengths she won't go to in order to protect this county's domestic habitats from unwanted animals.

Pest Control Man 1
Pest controllers want to BE her; and mice want to BE WITH her. But careful, she is ruthless; you do not want to interrupt her process.

Susan spots some half eaten cheese on the floor and starts nibbling at it. Then she starts chewing on the TV cable.

Her nose starts twitching as she sniffs the corner of the room.

Pest Control Man 2
Oh hang on! What has she found?

Susan sees the offending mouse scurry behind the sofa. She pulls out a pistol and attaches a silencer, then follows the mouse behind the sofa.

FX: muffled gun shot

Blood splatters up the wall. Susan re-emerges.

Woman
Is it over?

Susan
Just call me - a weapon of mouse destruction

Pest Control Man 1
She even puns like James Bond!

Pest Control Man 2 (lustfully)
I don't know how she does it!

FX: James Bond Theme music

END

I think there's a super strong idea in there, perhaps make the first half dead straight then go by nkers?

To high concept, it needs to be ridiculous but 'Weapon of Mouse destruction' is a little pearl of a punch.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/14427/

A similar effort I tried exterminators dead funny but too little used

Quote: sootyj @ July 15 2013, 8:29 PM BST

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/14427/

A similar effort I tried exterminators dead funny but too little used

View original

That was excellent, spat some of my coffee out - very strong visuals
I was trying for similar whimsy but maybe just fell short

Cool thanks mostly its a good idea

I may put up an inspired version if you don't like

Or maybe you could see it from the perspective of the Mice https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/19144/

We should team up Sunshine and do a Sands of Iwo Jima, Flags of our Father skit.

I'll write it from the exterminators point of view, you from the mouses.