That was a bit like sex, nothing then it all shoots out at once. So congratulations to GAPPY for winning again. Please get pished as a fart and PM me with subjects for next wank. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Steve Sunshine
Speckled mention: Stylee TingTing, Jakob Jensen

Your new subject: The alternative world (suggested by Jakob Jensen)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 8.7.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 35 - Gappy
2 - 30 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 15 - Otterfox, Jakob Jensen
4 - 5 - Steve Sunshine

BRITAIN'S GOT TALONS

OFFICE.
BLOKE and GIRL:

BLOKE Hello I'd like to apply to be a celebrity please.

GIRL Yes Sir, have you sold millions of CDs all over the world?

BLOKE Yep.

GIRL Have you performed thousands of sell-out gigs in every major city to boot?

BLOKE Yes indeedy.

GIRL Do you f**k kids?

BLOKE No!

GIRL Oh dear... You see, according to the new 'Sun' guidelines to qualify as a celeb you must fiddle with, pull off or just plain shag an under-eight. Otherwise I'm afraid you're not a star, you're just rather famous.

BLOKE I don't understand.

GIRL (thinks) No, me neither. Funny old world innit... So there's absolutely no shameful, dark, juicy scandal we can cook up?

BLOKE Well... I had sex with a married woman once.

GIRL Oh, boring! Not your mother was it?

BLOKE No!

GIRL Pity, incest's pretty cool. As long as it stays in the family, eh? I can see the headline now: 'The mother he DID like to f**k'... Shagged an epileptic?

BLOKE No way.

GIRL Absolutely, never know when it's just faking. Another classic: 'No great shakes...' Anal?

BLOKE Uh-uh, sorry.

GIRL 'Dead boring' - I thought of that one. Up there with 'Pain in the arse', Shit-stirring', 'What's got into me' and my personal favourite, 'Mind the gap? Not at all'.

BLOKE (laughs) Not bad.

GIRL Still, no hope for you I'm afraid. (on Intercom) Secretary, call in the next one. Justin Bieber...

BLOKE Justin Bieber? I'd like to ram a cricket bat with barbed wire wrapped round it in and out of his jacksie to the beat of Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' on a Monday morning in Stoke...

GIRL Much better Sir.

Not entirely sure I understand the theme, but perhaps this will squeeze into the parameters?

......

MAN:Lovely place, isn't it?

WOMANh, yes, just perfect. How's your Danish?

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MAN:Erm. Good, thanks.

WOMAN:What was that, Stephen?

MAN:What was what?

WOMANid you just roll a die when I asked about your Danish?

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MAN:No.

WOMAN:You did it again! I just saw you. You'd better tell me what's going on or I'll just get up and leave, you see if I don't.

MAN:I'm sorry, Karen. It's just, I'm not very good at talking to women, they think I'm boring, so when the guys set us up on this blind date I panicked. But then I remembered this book, called The Diceman, where a guy makes all his decision by rolling a die, so I thought I'd do that.

WOMANh! Well, listen, Stephen, I'm sure you're not boring. Don't be nervous on my account, I'm more scared of you then you are of me! Like a spider.

MAN:Actually, spiders don't feel fear, as such, because the emotion presupposes some level of self-awareness, and the arachnid neurological structure doesn't have sufficient interpretive media to translate external stimuli into emotions as we'd understand them.

WOMANh. Right. Anyway, The Diceman is a superb book, isn't it? The part where he loses his job is just wonderfully wry, isn't it?

MANh. Erm, well, I...

WOMAN:You've read the book, right?

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MAN:No.

WOMAN:Yes, very funny. But you have read it, haven't you?

MAN:Not as such.

WOMANh, come on, Stephen! You can't swan abound all blasé quoting a book you've never read, it's completely...

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MAN:Erotic?

WOMAN:No!

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MAN:Galvanised?

WOMANtop that! Pretentious, that's the word I want.

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MAN:No it isn't.

WOMAN:Yes, it is! You can't roll the die to decide what *I* think. You've completely missed the point of this book you've vaguely heard of.

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MAN:No I haven't.

WOMAN: Yes you have!

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

MANh yes, so I have.

WOMAN:Look, the die is supposed to liberate you, free you from your conscious self.

MAN:I know. That's what I'm going to do at the end of the date, you see: if I roll a six, I'll make a clumsy attempt to touch your breast, and you'll slap me, and if I roll 1 to 5, I'll mumble goodbye, go home on my own and weep silently onto my Blue Thunder pillowcase, same as most nights.

WOMAN:I really don't think you've grasped the point of this technique.

MANh, yeah? Well...

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DIE]

Four. Oh, give us a sec, I can't remember, erm, 1 is "Sorry", 2's "I'll get it dry cleaned", 3 is, errm, hang on a tick, I've got it written down somewhere.

WOMANh, this is ridiculous! Let me make it easy for you; Goodbye, Stephen. Say hello to the pillowcase for me.

[FX: Footsteps retreating].

MAN:[Sighing] Typical.

WAITER:Ah, Sir, it is, perhaps, a bad day?

MAN:It is. It's always a bad day. Nothing goes right for me.

WAITER:Can I get you another coffee, maybe, to dull the emptiness?

MAN:No, thanks, I'll just have the bill.

WAITERf course, Sir. That will be -

[FX: SOUND OF 2 ROLLING DICE]

-sixty-six pounds.

MANh, bloody hell!

Star trek episode 81 The Alternative World.

Mr. Spock, Captain Kirk, Bones and two security people have beamed downed to an uncharted planet, to look for Dilithium. The warp drive has broken down and now they need to find Dilithium within 24 hours.

Mr. Spock: I'm reading on my scanner that there should be life forms on this plant. If my readings are correct some kind of small humanoids.

Captain Kirk: Good we must find a way to contact them. They can maybe show us where the Dilithium is.

Mr. Spock: But it's very strange Captain, It keep changes, now I see them, now I don't.

Bones: God Damn it Spock you vulcanian half breed. Have you remembered to update the drivers on windows 5460 used on your scanner?

Mr. Spock: I can assure you that my equipment is fully up to date Doctor.

Bones: Maybe you have used it for downloading porn and got a virus.

Mr. Spock: Vulcans do not download porn.

Bones: But you are half human Spock.

Mr. Spock: That is correct. However I do have an account with brazzers and that's virus free porn site.

Captain Kirk: Gentlemen let's focus on the mission. Something is out there and we need to get in contact with it. I suggest we split up in two groups and search the area. Spock you and security guard Adams go north, and then we go west.

[The two groups split up and go their own direction in the rocky territory.]

This is Captains log star date 3012,2. We have been exploring the planets rocky territory for 4 hours without any results. Will this be the end of the Enterprise voyagers?

Bones: Over there Captain, I see something!

Captain Kirk: Prepare your facers. Set them for stun. We have no idea what or who these humanoids are.

The group nears the humanoids. It's a small midget looking people. All dressed in borat mankini looking underwear.

Captain Kirk: Greeting good people, we come from the federation in peace. We wish to get some help from you.

The six midgets looking aliens stops and look alert at the group. They grasp some objects in their hands and one of them with thick glasses and a turkey hat yells:

What are three old men wearing lots of makeup and in their pajamas doing here? Have you senile transvestite got lost?

Captain Kirk: I'm Captain Kirk from the starship Enterprice, we come in peace to explorer new worlds. Can you help us please?

The small people gets raged with fury by the Captains words and one of them pulls out a sling shot with a furry hamster and shots it direct towards Captain Kirk. The security guard steps in front of the Captain and gets hit by the hamster which explodes by impact and kills the security guard.

Bones: Captain Get back. We got to get away from these crazy people.

Bones and the captain escape to a cave. In the cave Captain Kirk calls Spock on the communicator.

Captain Kirk: Spock, Spock. This is Kirk. We need your assistant immediately. Lock into this signal and find us.

Mr. Spock: I hear you Captain, we are there in 0,132141414 vulcan parcel or 10 earth minutes if you prefer.

Spock and security guard Adams appear in front of the cave and Bones and Kirk comes out to join them.

Captain Kirk: I have no idea what happened. We tried to make peaceful contact with them and then they attacked us. They almost killed me but security guard O'Brian took the hamster shoot.

Mr. Spock: Was it a cute and furry hamster?

Bones: For Christ sake Spock you cold fish. Don't you feel a thing? Security guard O'Brian was blown to pieces by a hamster. And you want to know if a cute pet got killed.

Mr. Spock: Actually we vulcans do not have emotions thereby we feel nothing for pet animals. Actually the more cute an animal the more likely we see them as pests and terminate them if we find one.

Bones: Why do you want to know if the hamster was furry and cute?

Mr. Spock: Because I know only one humanoid race to use hamsters as weapons. But I have to see them before I can be sure of it.

Captain Kirk: Well we have no chance to survive if we can't get them to help us. So let's get back.

The group walks back to where they spotted the small people and see the number have increased by the double.

Mr. Spock: I can see by their clothing and behavior that this is the species known as the Pranktorians. The planet we are on must be Pranktoria.

Captain Kirk: Who are they?

Mr. Spock: Back in the time when vulcans was a violent race we had quite a few encounters with these Pranksters. It took many fights and life's before we discovered how to communicate with them. They have are very big temper and a very important cultural difference.

Captain Kirk: And that is?

Mr. Spock: Common courtesy and making fun of or mocking people is upside down in their culture. The most insulting word you can say to a Pranktorian is please or thank you. It would be like saying you F*****ng C**t or s**k my D**K.

Bones: Jesus what kind of freaks are these people?

Mr Spock: Actually it's quite logical. People being polite all the time are usually not being honest. But people mocking or making jokes tend to be honest. So being polite make them not trust you.

Captain Kirk: Ok so I have to make fun of them or mock them?

Mr. Spock: That's correct.

[Captain Kirk yelling to the Pranktorians]

Captain Kirk: Hey you little inbreed assclowns. Come over here.

Pranktorian leader: What are you stupid butt-pirates doing on our planet?

Captain Kirk: You are really the king of tards over there. Can we have some Dilithium Shit for brains?

Pranktorian leader turns around and show his ass to the Enterprice men.

Mr Spock: This is a very good sign Captain. If you returned the ass mooning. You have made a deal with them.

Captain Kirk turns around and moons the Pranktorians.

Pranktorian leader: Over there we have a depot, take what you want and piss off!

Captain Kirk: F**K You very much.

Captains log stardate 3012,6 we are now back in orbit an warp drive working thanks to the Dilithium from Pranktoria to travel boldly where no man have been before.

THE END.

INT. Inventors cellar.

Inventor is in his cellar, he is sitting at a workbench soldering a device which looks like a cycle helmet with circuit boards and wires sticking out of it. He puts down his soldering iron.

INVENTOR:
Finally!

INVENTOR stands up, places the helmet on his head and picks up a rifle and a remote control device from the workbench. He closes his eyes, presses a button on the remote control and vanishes from the cellar.

EXT. Day, Garden

A caption appears on the screen [Austria 1896]. Inventor creeps up to some bushes and peers through them. We hear a woman's voice.

WOMAN: [Off Screen] Adolf, Adooolf?

A little boy of about seven years old looks up from where he is playing in the garden, he has a toothbrush moustache, he throws down his toy soldiers in frustration and shouts something angrily in German whilst wildly gesticulating with his arms.

Inventor gulps, raises his rifle and we hear a single shot.

[fade to black]

INT Inventors cellar.

Inventor suddenly reappears in the cellar, quickly drops the rifle and throws off the helmet. He pauses for a few moments, taking deep breaths and then rushes up the cellar stairs.

EXT. High Street.

The Inventor is half walking half running down the high street, he looks around himself nervously but nothing seems to have changed, he eventually arrives at a building, he looks up and we see a sign saying "Library". Inventor dashes up the steps.

INT. Library

Inventor rushes past a sign saying newspaper archives, he sits down at a microfiche reader and headlines whiz past on the glowing screen, he stops on one headline.

[April 7th 1930 GERMAN NAZI PARTY COLLAPSES DUE TO LACK OF CHARISMATIC LEADER.]

The screen goes blurred as more headlines whiz past, until it stops on a new headline.

[SEPTEMBER 14TH 1942 - JEWISH CULTURE FLOURISHES IN NEW MODERN GERMANY]

The screen goes blurred as more headlines whiz past, until it stops on a new headline.

[NOVEMBER 11TH 1948 - EUROPE CELEBRATES 30 YEARS OF PEACE.]

Inventor looks up smiles and punches the air in celebration.

INT. Supermarket

Inventor browses the aisles, looking a little confused. He eventually stops a supermarket employee.

INVENTOR:
Excuse me, can you tell me where the Pot Noodles are?

SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE:
Pot Noodle? What's a Pot Noodle, I've never heard of one of those.

Inventor falls to his knees, looks up and raises his fists to the air.

INVENTOR:
[Shouting] Noooooooo! What have I done?!

404's is nicely done, but I seem to have read/seen/heard a lot of going-back-to-the-past-to-change-the-present gags recently, so I'm not in the mood. Plus. I don't like Pot Noodles.

I think Jakob's sketch has the germ of some really good silly fun, but it could do with some judicious pruning.

Stylee's I literally don't understand. It's the second time it's been posted, though, so there must be some point to it that I'm missing. Maybe.

So Michael wins. Not the subtlest satire in the world, admittedly, but some of those headlines were pretty funny .

404 gets my vote

I couldn't decide between Michael M and Gappy this week, but after much deliberation, my vote goes to...

[FX: SOUND OF ROLLING DICE]

Gappy.

Gappy too but I liked all of 'em this week.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ July 9 2013, 3:10 PM BST

No, it isn't. That was its first airing. You're confusing it with another one about Tupperware, perhaps?

View original

Fair enough, I must have got muddled. I remember one where Jesus was out walking Judas and wasn't able to clean it up because there were 40 days' worth of diamonds in the desert.