I sent this out some time ago to a generally underwhelming response. I just want some honest feedback. My friends and family are all far too nice.

Work is Hell

Episode 1
Like a Matt out of Hell

Scene 1
Call centre interior day - typical office decorated in many vibrant shades of grey and with no plant life or personal touches allowed whatsoever

Todd Leyopp (aged in his early thirties dressed in shirt that's a little too small for him & tie that has seen better days) is sat at his desk with a headset on talking on the phone. He is the only one doing any work, all around him everyone else is browsing the internet, texting or talking to each other. Despite this his supervisor Margaret Whinning is stood glaring over his shoulder watching his every move and eating her sandwich over the top of him and dropping crumbs on him. She is overweight and miserable looking, dressed dowdily in big baggy grey office clothes.

Todd:
No sir I don't think it's appropriate for me to tell you what colour underwear I'm wearing. (Slight pause as person on other end of line is obviously talking) No, I'm not going to tell you what my favourite colour is. Because, that's what colour pants you'll imagine I'm wearing.

Margaret
(Spitting sandwich slightly)
Keep selling! Always turn a call around!

Todd:
(Looking at her with incredulity and brushing bits of sandwich from himself)
Urm right ok. Sir? (Sighs as realises what he has to say- then in a defeated voice) Can I interest you in our Deluxe Package? (Pause) No, not my deluxe package, although thank you for saying so. Well thank you for calling Applied Technological Solutions today, my name is Todd Leyopp and have a good day.

Todd ends call and looks up at Margaret who looks annoyed but not enough to interrupt eating her sandwich

Margaret:
And how successful do you think that call was?

Todd:
(Removes his headset - it has left his hair sticking up at a strange angle)Well, quite successfully if I was trying to get a date with a horny old man, quite unsuccessful if I was trying to sell our full communications package. I doubt very much that he was a genuine caller anyway, seeing as he gave his name as Professor Wanky.

Margaret:
(Looks over Todd's shoulder at the magazine on his desk) Oh, I love that ET

Todd;
That's a picture of a tape worm

Margaret:
You shouldn't have magazines on your desk! You don't fit in around here do you Todd? You'll never keep working here as long as I have if you keep that attitude up. I've been here for thirty years now.

Todd:
With all due respect Margaret, if I thought I was going to have to spend the next thirty years here I think I'd kill myself right now.

Margaret:
Suicide is wrong; you'd go to hell for that.

Todd:
So much for a loving God then

Margaret:
Do you know what the rapture is?

Todd:
One of those little dinosaurs from Jurassic Park? (Mimes being a short armed dinosaur for a bit)

Margaret:
Very funny. None of your work is up to scratch and you look a mess. And it's annoying how you fiddle with your tie while you're on the phone

Todd:
I'm on the phone; no-one can see me. If you have constructive criticism designed to help me with my work I'm prepared to listen.

Margaret:
No, I don't have any interest in doing that. I said everything at your last employee review

Todd:
Oh yes, I remember. You used the word unprofessional about 19 times as I recall.

Margaret produces an air horn, taking the opportunity to blast it right in Todd's face. He visibly reacts.

Margaret:
OK People! Time for a buzz session in the meeting room! Come on; come on wrap up those calls! Hurry, hurry, hurry!

There is general scraping of chairs and other sounds as the other employees trudge listlessly into the meeting room,

Scene 2
The meeting room. which is really just a partitioned section, panelled in grey in the corner of the office, there is a long table and at one end stands Clive Hull (typically non-descript middle-management type) beside him is a projection screen and a flip chart. Everyone is now sat down with the general air of bored school children at an assembly. An assorted selection of people either slumped forward on their arms, restlessly jiggling their legs, gnawing at pens, stifling yawns etc. Matthew Webster is seated next to Todd at the table, approximately the same age but more casually dressed to the limit of office casual - generally happier looking and more confident

Clive:
Good morning team! How are we all doing this fine Monday Morning? Recovering from the weekend still? Would have been there if I could of course, but, as you know I was in the Maldives with Svetlana. Ha ha. I hear you all had a pretty wild night on Friday's karaoke-bowling night. Any hangovers? Bruises? Pregnancies? Ha ha. (Singles out Todd) Mr Leyopp, Margaret tells me you didn't join in the festivities over the weekend, why's that then?

Todd:
Well, Clive, you know how it is; I was a bit tired from the week and...

Matthew:
You should come along next time mate. You might actually have some fun for once in your life.

Todd:
I had other plans with friends

Matthew:
What friends?

Todd:
(Flatly) Oh was that a joke? Yeah, that's funny. I'm laughing. Laughing on the inside. You get away with doing whatever you like. But you're Mr. Personality so you do well. I work harder than any other prick in here.

Matthew:
What do you want from me mate?

Todd:
I just want a bit of respect

Matthew:
What do you want me to do, get down and spit shine your shoes or something

Clive:
Moving on lads. I have the latest figures for this month,

Clive switches on PowerPoint projector
As he clicks through the images, he continues talking without looking at what is being displayed

Clive:
So as you can see, this is our biggest client

There is a photo of a dog wearing at hat

Clive:
I'm really looking forward to major growth in this area

An image of him wearing a thong pops up - he looks at it astonished and scrambles frantically to switch it off. There are stifled giggles both Matthew and Todd are laughing louder than the others.

Clive:
(Furious) Who the bloody hell put that there? Where the hell did you get it? Who's been in my personal files? (Belatedly) That wasn't me!

Clive switches off projection, takes a deep breath and goes to flip chart. He flips over the cover page to find written on the first page "I AM A TWAT" with a large arrow pointing to him. In his anger he knocks it flying to the floor. Then noticing that Todd is laughing but ignoring the fact that Matthew is too, singles him out.

Clive:
You! Did you do this?

Todd:
Whoa, whoa whoa! Wait a minute how the hell do you think I could...?

Clive:
Get out! Get Out all of you!

Everyone trudges out, although slightly more amused than they had walked in.

Margaret:
Not you Mr Leyopp

Todd resignedly remains
Scene 3
The reprographics room. A small room which contains a photocopier and little else. Matthew is making copies of something although is getting mildly irritated towards the photocopier. Todd walks in holding a stopwatch. Matthew stops swearing under his breath at the machine to greet him

Matthew:
Hey Todd. Bit of a result with that meeting finishing early wasn't it?

Todd:
For you maybe. I can't believe that pompous arse, Clive Hull and that dried up old bag, Margaret Whinning, think I had something to do with all that. I did my best to convince them but they've set me on doing this time and motion study for the rest of the day. I've just spent an extremely unpleasant hour in the toilets timing people, I got the feeling I was very unwelcome and why is there always someone having an extremely private phone call on their mobile in there as well. It's ironic, phone boxes
Todd Cont.:
always used to get used as toilets now it's the other way around. As for the smoking area, it's like a ghetto out there, if it wasn't that I know I work here I'd think I'd wandered into a bad neighbourhood. I've come to see how long it takes you to copy those files.

Matthew:
You're going to be here a while then mate, this bastard machine isn't working AT ALL! (Is getting increasingly frustrated now)
(Talking the machine)
You Evil lying bastard piece of crap! What do you mean insert paper in tray 1? I put paper in you,
(Opens draw, and reveals it is full of paper takes paper out. Shows it to the copier and shoves it back in)
There! See, paper! I have inserted paper in feed tray. Now do your job or you'll get my foot rammed right up your feed tray!
(Slams tray shut clumsily)
Error? Error? What the...? Oh you piece of shit, come on! (Starts banging on it)
Work! Work! Work!

Matthew begins a savage attack on the copier, punching it, kicking it etc. Todd looks on vaguely embarrassed but does nothing to stop it

Todd:
That old thing acting up again is it?

Matthew picks up the fire extinguisher from the wall and begins battering the copier to death with it

Todd:
I'm not too sure if you should be doing that

Matthew continues to smash the fire extinguisher against the copier. He then takes the hose and douses it - there is foam everywhere, which is getting all over Todd and Matthew.

Todd:
I've never seen you get so mad about anything before

Matthew:
Just letting off a bit of steam

Matthew starts deliberately spraying some foam at Todd.

Todd:
Stop that!

Once the foam has run out, Matthew again returns to using the extinguisher as a club. The machine in now shaking, emitting smoke, red warning light flashing and sounding an alarm

Todd:
I really think we ought to get away from here now. Do you think we should report this to Margaret?

Matthew:
Nah, don't worry about it man. It'll be fine in a minute. (Checks his pocket) Hey, where did you get that stopwatch?

Todd:
It was on your desk; hope you don't mind me borrowing it.

Matthew:
I suppose not. Give it back now though.

Todd:
No I get the feeling it's not okay.

Matthew:
It is but I need it.

Todd:
No, I know you. I can tell it's not fine, now have you got a problem with me borrowing the watch or just a problem with me

Matthew:
Don't think I've got time to discuss it now, give me the watch!

Todd:
No hang on a second. You're making me feel like the bad guy and all I did was borrow your watch

Matthew:
Give it back to me now you tit!

Todd:
Oh now I'm a tit am I? Yeah, very funny, old Todd he's a tit just like...

His sentence is cut short as the scene blacks out to the sound of a tremendous explosion.

Cut to:

Scene 4
Matthew and Todd laying flat on their backs. Pull up to reveal they are lying on a red office carpet.

They are in a reception area. This is decorated entirely in red. At the reception desk Charon, a young woman receptionist very over fashionably dressed in red is busily reading a copy of Heat magazine while trying to avoid offering any assistance to them. Her name badge reads "Charon Ferryman". Muzak is playing; it appears to be a Kenny G version of Sympathy for the Devil

Todd and Matthew get to their feet and walk over to the desk. On the receptionist's desk is a variety of desk trash including many stuffed soft toy devils. Magazines, make-up, a red mug with the wording "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes", a placard reads "you don't have to be damned to work here but it helps" Behind her is a door - above it is a sign reading "no exit".

Todd:
Where are we? I've never been in this part of the office before.

Charon: (is drawing rings round various celebrities with red marker pen) Ring of shame time. You'll soon be dead, be seeing you soon, definitely you, and you...

Todd:
(Tries to get the receptionists attention) Um, excuse me miss? Miss?

Charon raises her magazine higher to create a further barrier.

Todd:
Excuse me miss, pardon me but could we just ask you something?

She has the magazine pretty much right up to her covering her whole face. Todd pulls it away.

Charon:
OMG! How rude! Can't you see I'm busy?

Matthew:
Hi excuse me sweetheart, but what the hell happened here?

Charon:
(Flips magazine down briefly) Yeah that's right.

Matthew:
Sorry, what?

Charon:
Hell happened here. Is happening here. You're in Hell

Todd:
I know what you mean I hate my job too but that's hardly an answer

Charon:
(Sighs) why do I always have to deal with the stupid ones?

Points to display board - which reads, "Welcome to Hell, new recruits please report to reception"

Charon:
My name is Charon. I'm a psycho pomp

Matthew:
You're a psycho bitch?

Charon:
No! A pschopomp! A guide for the dead. I have to convey you newbie dead people to your final destination in the underworld. You're totally owned now. Ultimate epic fail.

Matthew:
Oh! Shit!

Todd:
No, wait hang on a bloody minute here! I don't belong here, him maybe he's always been an arrogant tosser for as long as I've known him.

Matthew:
That was uncalled for

Todd:
I always thought you can't get away with that much in life without some comeback but what did I do?

Charon:
Don't come all the outraged and innocent with me. I've seen your type before and the things it turns out they've been up to would make your eyes water. (Scrutinises him) Let me guess, you've prolly been dressing sheep up as choir boys to fulfil your twisted fantasies.

Matthew:
(Looks at Todd) Have you?

Todd:
No, I bloody well haven't!

Charon:
Well whatever it is you've done you sick little worm, I don't have the case files in here. Mores the pity would be nice to get to read about some juicy murders once in a while. But no, I just meet and greet. I've been here for a very long time. When I started here the underworld was all fields, Elysium fields, the Asphodel Fields, fields of Tartarus. Took a lot to get there back then though. Everything was considered ok in ancient Greece, believe me. I don't even get to go out in the sodding ferry anymore. Probably just as well, it was only a small boat and people are getting much fatter these days. You look a little porky yourselves. You might have sunk it

Todd:
I thought your name was supposed to be pronounced Kaeron? I also thought you were meant to be a man

Charon:
I'll pronounce my name however I want to. And whoever heard of a man called Charon? If you know so much about me then perhaps you might remember that it's a tradition to give me a tip for this service I'm providing

Todd and Matthew check their pockets. Charon takes Matthew's wallet as he takes it out to check for change

Matthew:
I wasn't going to give you the whole wallet

Charon:
Like you need it where you're going. Actually you probably will, the prices in Hell are ridiculous and the wages are terrible, but that's your problem not mine. (Looks at Todd) You as well, come on pay up.

Todd reluctantly hands her his wallet, in his other hand is a chocolate bar.

Charon:
I'll take that too. (Brings out her large handbag - poking out the top of it is a small Chihuahua type dog with 3 heads) Cerberus gets hungry during the day. There you go Cerbie, now don't go poop in my handbag like you did last time.

Matthew:
(To Todd) This is all your fault you know. I never gave you permission to borrow my watch

Todd:
My fault? I'm still struggling to come to terms that we have apparently passed on into the after-life which seems to involve spending an eternity with you, which is hell enough as it is, and to make it worse we're actually in hell!

Matthew:
If I'd have had my watch in my pocket where it was supposed to be none of this would have happened

Todd:
You beat the photocopier to death with a fire extinguisher!

Matthew:
Don't worry I'm sure the photocopier got to go to heaven.

Charon:
Shut up whinging like a couple of bitches. Ceebs with this! Now, I don't usually like to do the presentation if there's only a couple of you but seeing as you seem to be particularly stupid it looks like I'll bloody have to. There's your guide book and we've got a video you can watch.

Matthew:
You still use videos?

Charon:
Tell me about it. The equipment we have to use here is so crappy.

Hands them both brochures. "Damnation, a Guide to Hell"

Charon:
Now sit over there

They go to the seating area - the chairs are ridiculously low to the floor, resulting in Todd sitting down awkwardly while Matthew goes to the coffee machine, then screaming as a steaming hot jet of coffee spurts out at him, he eventually manages to get a cup of thick gloopy coffee, he sips and recoils

Charon wheels out a TV and presses play. The orientation video begins with chirpy background music.

Voiceover:
Abandon all hope and welcome to Hell. It's full of other people and now that includes you. You will soon be assigned your task for all eternity and your residence in the level that's most suited to you. You'll be there forever and you'll soon feel right at home.

(Images on the screen show flaming pits, volcanoes etc.)

Our friendly helpful team are always available to give you a prod when you need it.

(Screen shows a demon poking a sinner in the bottom with a pitchfork.)

Voice Over:
In case of emergency exits are nowhere. Flame retardant clothing should be worn at all times but we don't provide it so, you'll just have to make do with what you have.
You will each be assigned a pointless task. You could be rolling a boulder up a hill, trying to pick grapes that are out of reach or even answering customer service calls. You might even join our creative team, recently we came up with the music for the Lloyds bank adverts and we're responsible for all the women's sanitary products shown at tea time. Hell is divided into many regions. While you're here why not visit our beautiful lake of fire and why not take a cruise along the Styx. We also have a nightclub here in Hell. Just the one, and we play non-stop euro dance music all through the night and serve nothing but non-brand alcopops. If you fancy a quieter
Voiceover Cont:
night out why not visit our Ye Olde Pub of Hell. It'll take you right back to 1974, well, the bar snacks will as that was their best before date. You'll always have company there from old Ted who's been there since 1922 and is always ready for a chat about anything from beekeeping to bicycle repair. Actually just beekeeping or bicycle repair, all the time. We hope you enjoy your stay in Hell. Welcome to our happy team

(The video shows a group of miserable people waving)

Charon switches off the TV

Charon:
Any questions?

Todd:
Yes I do

Charon:
Shut up and Chillax. Read the brochure or something.

Todd:
You seem remarkably calm if you don't mind me saying so

Matthew:
I've been sort of avoiding it for a while. And not because I'm an arrogant tosser thank you very much. Don't think I've forgotten that mate. What happened to that stopwatch?

Todd:
Stop going on about your bloody watch! I borrowed it for a moment; you've condemned me to an eternity in hell

Matthew:
It's no picnic in a titty bar for me either. Eternity with you, you miserable puss

Todd:
Oh, now it starts, the insults, the criticism. And what am I going to have to listen to throughout the hereafter now? My lack of personality or my inability to get a girlfriend

Matthew:
Both equally good topics I agree. Your chances might pick up around in Hell though. Get yourself a nice little demon troll woman, you're not too fussy what they look like are you? Anything to cure the drought.

Todd:
I had a girlfriend once you know.

Matthew:
Oh yes, this girlfriend, a bit like the Loch Ness monster.

Todd:
She was a perfectly reasonable looking person as a matter of fact

Matthew:
I meant in terms of people have heard legends about her existence but nobody has ever seen her. Apart from one very blurry photo which was probably faked. But yes, she probably did look like the Loch Ness Monster. Now give me the bloody watch!

Todd:
No! Why do you want it? No!

They are interrupted by the lift door opening. Old Nick enters the room. He is an older man, dressed in a very shabby suit from the early 1970's this as everything else is in red.

Old Nick:
(To Charon) Hello Charon my little darlin'. Got something for me then?

Charon:
Got a right pair over there for you Nick

Old Nick
Got a right pair here as well my lovely

Charon giggles

Matthew:
(To Todd) It looks like hell is a carry-on film. In a minute we're going to get introduced to some woman with enormous breasts called Belle Ze Boob

Old Nick:
Alright gents, come with me for the introductory tour of the underworld. Pleased to meet you, allow me to introduce myself, I'm Old Nick

Scene 5
In the lift. More satanic muzak is playing - a pan pipe version of Highway to Hell. There is a sign read "Do Not Urinate in Elevator." The illuminated numbers descend at a dizzying speed. Todd and Matthew are flung to the floor. Old Nick is unaffected - standing there comfortably and humming a little. Finally the floor reaches 666 the doors ping open; Old Nick steps out, the other two crawl out looking slightly queasy.

Old Nick:
Welcome to the office from hell!

Scene 6
Pull back to reveal an office identical to the call centre office that Matthew and Todd had been working in. The only difference being the colour, (red again). People sat at desks wearing headsets all dressed in clothes from different time periods (not red as they are only inmates not staff). One phone is ringing and a small group of women wearing dresses in puritan style are panicking and making the sign of the evil eye at it. A pirate with an eye-patch and limited depth perception is throwing mail around randomly.

Old Nick:
(Continued) this is one of the lower levels of course. No major sinners. This is where a number of your calls are redirected to when anyone tries to call any of the major companies. This department deals with keeping calls on hold for as long as possible and then telling people they need to redial for another department. You'll find we're a fair and generous employer. We have monthly team building exercises. You missed the karaoke-bowling night last weekend but we're going to one of those things where you're in teams shooting at each other next month.

Matthew:
Paintballing?

Old Nick:
Now why would you need paint when you're already dead? We used live ammunition. Won't kill you but still bloody stings a bit.

They walk down a corridor. A notice board is up listing a variety of team building activities all of which are labelled "fun" and "mandatory" and "on pain of torture - see Spanish inquisition for details". Notices advising "In case of Fire - Stay right where you are"

Scene 7
They walk into his office - decorated in the style of an era to match Nick's 70's shabby suit - everything is tatty, things propped up with files, things bound together with parcel tape - a bottle of half drunk scotch is on the desk, next to a chipped glass, a copy of "Devil Dolls" nudie magazine and an overflowing ashtray.

Old Nick:
(Gesturing to seats) sit down, you're making the place look untidy.

Todd:
So you're Satan? Lucifer? Mephistopheles?

Old Nick:
No, their offices are down the hall

Matthew:
So, they're all separate entities?

Old Nick:
Can't be everywhere at once so what are you in for let's see? (Goes to filling cabinet - Pulls out file.) Toddlyopp?

Todd:
That's Todd Leyopp.

Old Nick:
Yes that's right, Toddlyopp. Let's have a look what you've done, (he puts on glasses and peers at a piece of paper)

Todd:
You've got a whole file on me?

Nick:
We've got a whole filing cabinet on you son. You look innocent enough, but you never can tell, you could still be a bit shifty. Eyes look quite close together.

Todd:
I've led a good and decent life. More or less. I've never been to prison, I've never killed anyone, and I've paid my bills on time. I clean the kitchen regularly. What could I have possibly done by Hell's demonic standards to warrant being damned until the end of days?

Matthew:
Is being a really boring old knob a sin?

Nick:
Well you tell me. We don't set the standard here, Humanity does that. If you lot up there think someone should go to hell. Down they go. Down to meet the man in the red suit and I don't mean Father Christmas. It ends up being a matter of luck what culture you're born
into, but that's how religion has always worked for that matter. Means we've got a mixed selection, but nowadays we only get the really bad ones. Not that much seems to count as a sin anymore, not like in the good old days. We used to get all those women of easy virtue down her before. Very friendly girls. But now society's ok with all that we have to lose out. Mind you there's a lot less pooftas running about. Take for example, once upon a time if a man spent a lot of his time flagellating himself with whips and chains and the like he'd a been considered a devout puritan cleansing himself of all sin, nowadays he'd be thought of a just a bit kinky.

Todd:
This can't be real. I must have just been knocked unconscious; this is all some kind of weird hallucination. I don't even believe in hell. I'm pretty much an atheist

Matthew:
I wasn't raised to have any particular beliefs either. We used to do Christmas and Easter of course. Any excuse to have a celebration. I think I was raised Hedonist.

Nick:
You say that, but you must have believed in Hell a little bit or else you couldn't be here. It's like if you don't believe in astrology. I'll bet you still know what star sign you are and still have a little peek at your horoscope in the paper.

(Looks through handful of papers from the file)
You two have known each other a long time haven't you? (Puts on some glasses and reads) Had a fight over a bare naked lady when you were both six years old. (Looks at them approvingly) started young didn't you?

Matthew:
That was the name of a type of marble

Nick:
(Disappointedly reading) so it was

Todd:
It was MY marble and you broke it with that stupid ball bearing you always used to use. Smashed it to pieces in fact

Nick:
Alright, alright, I don't need your life story. It'll all be in the files.

Matthew:
So you've got everything in there about my life (points at the other filing cabinet)

Nick:
We've got the lot mate. Every petty victory, every missed opportunity, videos of all your fantasies.

Matthew:
I'd like to see that. (Helps himself to a file)Hey, look at this. It's a list of everyone who ever wanted to sleep with me. It's a long list! (Reads a little) Sophie Miller? Damn, wish I'd known that at the time, she was tight! Err! Uncle Murray? Wish I hadn't read that.

Nick:
(Is still leafing through Todd's information) You didn't do a lot with your life did you? The biggest folder we have on you is People who found you Annoying.

Todd:
Ordinarily I would argue with you about that but if that also means I didn't do anything wrong either then I'm prepared to admit that yes I have led a dull, uneventful life

Nick:
(Grabs a file from Matthew's cabinet) Matthew Webster. Well at least it's not Daniel Webster (leafs through) don't play the violin do you? No, that's good. Oh-ho, what have we here though? One receipt for your soul. (Waves a piece of paper around)

Todd:
Really? I knew it. What did he do?

Nick:
On the Friday 20th July 2007 the party of the first part, Matthew Webster did sell his soul by saying "I would sell my soul for a watch that could alter time"

Matthew:
I was running really late for work, it was pissing down with rain, all the trains were delayed. So I was just thinking how much I'd like a watch that froze time and then this postman or something just walked past and handed it to me

Nick:
That's right; your wish had been granted.

Todd:
That's what all the fuss about that bloody watch was wasn't it? That was your special time manipulating watch

Matthew:
Yes it was and you just took it without my permission.

Todd:
That was what all that stupid stuff was all about in the meeting wasn't it - you were freezing time and playing pranks on Mr Hull weren't you. It must have been you that put the goldfish in the water cooler.

Matthew:
Maybe

Todd:
And you who kept downloading porn onto my pc

Matthew:
Sometimes

Todd:
And I'm assuming it was you that filled my briefcase with old warm cheese

Matthew:
Yes, I did it! It was me!

Todd:
That was horrible, I didn't realise what was causing that smell until I got home, people were avoiding sitting near me on the bus and I was getting strange looks from everyone. I had to get that briefcase dry cleaned! You owe me the money I had to pay for that. And I bet it's your fault that my hair goes all sticky-uppy whenever I take my headset off.

Matthew:
No, your hair just does that. Anyway, I used the watch for other stuff as well. I made a couple of unofficial

Matthew Cont:
withdrawals from the bank, did some shopping, and signed a couple of cars and houses over to myself. Sometimes I even used to freeze time so I could get work done quickly.

Todd:
You're probably single headedly responsible for the whole credit crunch. And that's why you didn't care about the printer blowing up

Matthew:
As soon as things start getting too dangerous, I used to just freeze time and walk away

Todd:
And would you have got me to safety?

Matthew:
Probably.

Todd:
If you were doing all that why did you even bother coming in to work at all? Was it just to annoy me?

Matthew:
A little. Mainly just for something to do during the day.

Todd:
If I'd had that watch I would have frozen time early in the morning had breakfast and do my work when it was quiet and be done early

Nick:
Blimey, is that all you would do with it?

Todd:
I just want to get my work done.

Nick:
There were loads of things you could have done with that watch. Did you read the instruction manual?

Matthew:
I didn't get an instruction manual all I got was the watch. I don't think that means that you fulfilled my wish properly. Therefore I shouldn't have to go to hell

Nick:
Did you ask for the instruction manual as well?

Matthew:
Well no of course I didn't. I didn't really believe I'd get anything at all it was just something I thought of

Nick:
Then that's something of a technicality and you see no one beats the devil on a technicality, we invented them.

Matthew:
That's hardly fair

Nick:
It's not really is it but what did you expect. You got the watch didn't you?

Matthew:
Yes

Nick:
And you used it. Even if it was in a bloody useless way. You had the power over all time. You could have used it to go forwards or backwards in time, into your own personal history or any time period you wanted. You could have been anyone you wanted, you could make yourself, other people or even inanimate objects older or newer. If you'd had any sense you wouldn't be here. But what did you do, schoolboy pranks, glorified shoplifting and peeking up women's skirts. (Smirks) I'd probably have done that last one too.

Todd:
Freezing time. Not all that original is it? I've seen that done in loads of things before. There was 'The New Accelerator' by HG Wells, 'The Fermata' definitely a
Couple of Twilight Zone episodes, I think the Simpson's did a Halloween Episode like that, I could go on

Matthew:
Please don't. And since when does selling my soul for something have to be an original idea

Nick:
There's nothing new in hell or earth. It usually all boils down to the same thing first you sell your soul then you get the power, then you get the money then you get the women

Todd:
I thought it was first you get the power, and then you get the money then the women

Nick:
Not on this occasion and trust me, women always come after the money.

Todd:
You must have realised there was some consequence to saying you'd sell your soul for something and then you suddenly get just what you asked for

Matthew:
Well, I had my headphones on and was listening to some tunes. You know how you sort of get a soundtrack to your daydreams then and I was just there thinking I was kind of in a movie or something. It all just seemed pretty cool. I didn't know all that selling souls stuff was real. Is there much business in that?

Nick:
It's just a sideline that we do. We've been increasing that side a bit since all the old sins are going out of fashion. Have to keep the numbers up around here and you've got to have some fun in this line of work.

Todd:
Anyone else I might have heard of?

Nick:
We like to keep some client confidentiality but loads of singers and actors. We don't bother with politicians so much these days. They usually make their way to Hell without much help from us. We've been doing this a long time now.

Todd:
Like Faust?

Nick:
Yeah, I remember him. You ever heard of Cinderella?

Matthew:
You mean the fairy story?

Nick:
All true mate. Except for Fairy Godmother read The Devil and for magic wishes granted read satanic witchcraft ritual pact. Puts a different slant on it now you know doesn't it?

Todd:
Freezing time though? How would that actually work? I mean that would mean, everything would freeze, probably literally, in order for everything to become inactive. How would a small stop watch be able to do that I wonder

Nick:
I don't know how it works. Its bloody magic isn't it. No-one said to Jesus "oh it's impossible to walk on water, you ought to have big inflatable webby feet to really do that" did they?

Todd
Well, what the hell do I care I'm off the hook then. Matthew is the one who sold his soul. He is supposed to be here and I am just an unfortunate innocent party caught in the crossfire. Tragically I have also died but I suppose you'll be sending me up to heaven now. (To Matthew) see you around mate, have fun

Nick:
Send you up to heaven? Where do you think you are lad? We don't have some big lift to let you go travelling up and on your merry way. You are in the land of the damned and that's where you'll be staying. I'll admit you might not have been meant to come here but once you're here that's that. It's not that bad really

Todd:
Not that bad?

Nick:
Tell you what; I'll even personally make sure you get a job in the call centre how about that? I've got it you could work on the suicide hotline. That's always good for a laugh. You should hear the hold music we have for that. The First Cut is the Deepest

Matthew:
And what about me?

Nick:
We do have a lavatory attendant position going. You could do that. Have you seen the film Trainspotting by the way?

Matthew:
What if I refuse?

Nick:
We all have a job to do in hell. It's a very busy place with an ever-increasing population. The devil makes work for idle hands you know. If you start refusing to work
it gets into all kinds of a mess. Now, once we've got you settled into your jobs, we'll set you up with a place to "live", for want of a better word. This is based
entirely on our personality based system. Mr Webster, you'll be living in zone 2. This is lust city. You'll be living with Cleopatra and Helen of Troy.

Matthew:
Two of the most beautiful women in history? Ok, I'm cool with that.

Nick:
This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Where you will be blown ceaselessly...

Matthew:
Sounds fine to me

Nick:
...by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire. In a place mute of all light.

Todd:
And what about me?

Nick:
Based on what we know of your stroppy, self-pitying personality, you should be living on the banks of the River Styx with the other gloomy buggers in the black gurgling mud.

Todd:
Again I seem to be getting the crappy end of the stick. I'm in the mud while he's in the Hell for sexy women with loose morals. Couldn't I go for reincarnation? I don't want to work in a call centre again. I've already stared into that bleak chasm of desperation and eternal boredom. I'll come back as a slug instead if you like

Nick:
That's never any good. We tried the karma route before back in the sixties. The problem is if you go being a bad person we send you back as a fly which seems bad if you're a human but if you go back with no memories then being a fly isn't so bad. And how are we supposed to judge you then. I mean you can't really be a bad fly can you. Walking on dog turds and throwing up on someone
Nick cont:
else's dinner is what you're supposed to do. Flies have no moral code at all. No you'll have to stay here; we can't just go letting people out of Hell willy-nilly you know.

Matthew:
(Grabs Todd and takes the watch out of Todd's pocket) No, I don't think so. You see I've still got the watch - I can reverse all of this. I don't have to have died - all I need to do is rewind back to before the copier blew up and I'm home free. I'll keep cheating death and now I know what this baby can do I could rule the world. Rule the world baby!(Looks at it - the watch is charred and damaged) What happened to this?

Todd:
Must have happened in the explosion

Matthew:
(Looks at the fact that he and Todd both look as though nothing had happened to them and shrugs) Never mind it might still work

Nick:
I doubt it. But let's just hand that over eh son? You don't want to make this worse for yourself

Matthew:
Hell's toilet attendant? How could it get any worse?

Nick:
You do get tips you know.

Todd:
(To Matthew) You mean we can escape? Yeah! And I'm not going to spend the rest of my existence in your call centre either. Mathew take us back

Matthew presses manically and randomly at the watch

Todd:
(To Matthew)You do know what you're doing right?

Matthew:
Sort of. Oh hang on (grabs instruction manual off Nick) I'll take that too. Give my regards to Helen and Cleo though. I might go back in time and look them up.

Things blur around them and they are gone

Nick:
You perishing little bleeders! Who do they think they are trying to get one over on the prince of darkness? (Presses the intercom) CHARON!

Sorry, I put too many pages up there.

Send it to one of Stack/Blake/Jacob. Would cost you £70-£100, but would be worth it for some blunt, honest crit.

It's far too long to expect anyone here to crit it fully for free (not to say that somebody definitely won't, but it's asking quite a lot).

I got about halfway, but there are several things worth pointing out.

You've got a few oddly specific directions - (Removes his headset - it has left his hair sticking up at a strange angle) - couldn't this just be removes headset if it even needs to be there at all?

Your characters aren't the most engaging I've encountered (it's been like 3 pages and I haven't identified with any of them or laughed). It sounds a bit like you're trying to rewrite this era's The Office/Office Space (they done the crappy printer thing and destroyed it later in the movie).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0hDorkxAPM

I also didn't understand why they were suddenly in hell.

The reason you might not be getting a great response is probably down to relying on the honesty of friends/family (big mistake) and your competition in this genre is arguably one of the greatest sitcoms and a cult classic film (also a pretty big mistake). Additionally, your script would require CGI for the 3-headed dog, studio time to record a Kenny G version of that song (I'm assuming that doesn't exist), a hell set structure of the office to be built, and God knows what else. It is starting to sound expensive, isn't it?

This is just the opinion of someone else getting into writing and trying to put my own stuff together. So if you're enjoying yourself, don't give up.

I also got about halfway. I did laugh a fair few times, mostly at recognising familiar situations (as have worked in call centre - and Christ knows they are full of material!)

I think there are many things right with this, some nice lines like "that's what colour pants you'll imagine I'm wearing" but also a fair few things wrong that are causing the problems.

Firstly, Todd's personality is changeable he is sometimes timid (unable to confront sandwich-eater) and sometimes over-confident (shouting in meeting)- characters should remain consistent.

Another issue is far too much chat that is not moving the story forward.

Thirdly, the other characters are often indistinct and their character does not come across well in their dialogue.

Lastly, the names are a little distracting. I did laugh at the Toddlyop but I don't think that one laugh was worth the distraction to the reader during the rest of the script.

That said, there are some very funny bits and I did enjoy enough to read halfway in one go.

I think it needs a big re-think and personally I think it would be better to either start in a call-centre in Hell (right from the start) or simply set it in a call centre.

Good luck with it and thanks for posting.

The premise certainly has wings.
Most of the dialogue does not need saying, way too verbose.

The name of Mr Wanky needs to be a lot cleverer (if that's a word)
I liked the interactions and the intent of the dialogue but it dragged.

With ruthless trimming it could be a winner.

For me the big issue is the inconsistent tone, especially at the beginning where the script reader is trying to get a handle on things. It opens as a pretty standard sitcom (heavy on the jokes but at least they're good ones). The next scene is played pretty straight (could be an Office outtake) the scene after that relies on slapstick for the comedy and then afterwards the script takes a turn for the surreal, which presumably is where you hope the series is going to spend most of its time.

All of the above are valid directions but you need to choose one.... I'd get to hell as soon as possible (you did foreshadow that direction quite neatly with the line about the rapture)

I sort of skimmed towards the end because although the premise was good and there were some good jokes it does become one long lot of back and forth dialogue, including some very wordy lines. Sounds like you've got the elements of a plot in there with your watch that might let them escape; just need to make that more prominent.

Thank you for taking the time to have a look. I really am very grateful for your comments and will see what I can do to make use of them.

This is my first ever attempt to write anything so I'll keep on trying

I can certainly understand that the concept could easily look too expensive, although it could use quite minimal sets it would need a lot of them.

I hadn't really thought of Todd's personality as being inconsistent before, although that's a very valid point. I'd based him on a former house-mate, who at one point was too intimidated by one house mate and her friends being there that we found him standing on the corner of the street drinking a can of lager because he didn't feel he could go in the house, on another occasion he had a fight with his friend in the back garden and broke the door to the understairs cupboard. in retrospect there could have been something wrong with him.

Not sure whether anyone's actually spelled this out yet, but the fact that there's already a long-running successful comedy set in Hell means this is pretty well dead in the water. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_Harry's_Game

They're even trying to get an animated version off the ground - but with little success so far. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc7WnDgt0yY

Move on to a new project - you've got the ability - and the lessons learnt while writing this will stand you in good stead for your next one.

Just had a look at the YouTube clip. I hope they actually make a series of it - it looks good.

The rest of my story line wasn't predominately in hell but with the characters from hell chasing my two lead characters through time. Again probably too potentially pricey for anyone to consider

But I have had another go at something else and posted a new thread

I just thought I might as well post the next episode that I wrote on here, someone might as well see it if they want to, seems a shame to let all that writing go completely to waste

cheers

Episode 2
Children of a Lesser Todd

Scene 1
Exterior -day.
Todd and Matthew are stood looking confused in a school playground. It is empty except for them. They are both wearing 1980's school uniforms although both are clearly the same age as they were before.

Todd:
I don't think you did it right

Matthew:
But we're in St Barnabus's Primary School

Todd:
Yes but we don't appear to be children do we? We're two grown men wearing short trousers lurking around a primary school. If anyone sees us we'll probably be arrested.

Matthew:
Oh boy!

Todd:
Oh bollocks! So we're actually back in time then? That demonic watch sent us back?

Matthew:
As far as I can tell, we should be in April 30th 1985. As for how we look I've got a theory. If this is like Quantum Leap, you can see me as I normally am and I can see you, dressed like wee Jimmy Krankie's ugly older brother, but what if to other people we look like we're supposed to. We need to find a mirror. Come on lets go into the toilets (sprints off into the building, Todd follows reluctantly)

Todd:
And if you're wrong you're not going to be making this situation any better. Now we're going to be grown men dressed as little boys hanging around in a boy's toilet.

Scene 2

Inside the boys toilets. Matthew and Todd are looking in the mirror. The reflection does indeed show them as being 8 years old.

Todd:
God, that's a relief. Is this where you planned to end up by the way? I was quite taken by the idea of maybe going to ancient Greece and becoming the world's greatest philosopher or something

Matthew:
I hadn't really thought of anything. My plan was mainly just to rewind the watch back and get out of there and avoid death and damnation. I would have worked out where I wanted to go next after that. If I'm really honest the only reason you're back here with me is because you still had hold of me from when I took the watch back

Todd:
So you'd have just left me there is that what you're saying? You utter bastard!

Matthew:
I don't know, I wasn't planning anything, it wasn't entirely deliberate

Todd:
You get me killed, you get me sent to hell and then you'd have left me there

Matthew:
He was going to go easy on you, he said that. We don't have to do everything together you know. We just sort of seem to keep getting stuck with each other, primary school, high school, university and work. You just seem to always end up in the same place as me. It gets a bit annoying

Todd:
You asked me to get you the job at Applied Technological Solutions

Matthew:
Yes but that doesn't mean I want to be best buddies and hang around with you all the time does it?

Todd:
I have at best considered you to be an acquaintance at worst a complete pain in the arse. How about the amount of times you've borrowed money off me in the past? You still owe me fifty quid

Matthew:
No I don't

Todd:
Yes you do, I lent it you last Thursday

Matthew:
Last Thursday isn't going to happen for another twenty six years now so I don't owe you anything

A teacher, Mr Smart walks in

Mr Smart:
What's all the shouting about? Get back in the classroom at once boys (he grabs both of them buy the shoulder and makes them go with him - he is oblivious to the fact they are anything but 8 year olds)

Scene 3
In the classroom. They are sat in a typical primary school classroom at small desks next to each other looking uncomfortable in the seats but quite enjoying painting pictures

Matthew:
(Looks at the child's painting next to him- says to the other small boy) That's not very good is it? What's that supposed to be?

Small Child:
It's a bunny

Matthew:
Doesn't look much like a bunny. The ears are too short(Shows his painting to the boy) Look at that. Mines much better. (To Todd) this is easy

Todd:
Yes I have to admit an afternoon of colouring in isn't the worst thing I can imagine. I'm not sure if your choice of artwork is very subtle though (matthew has painted something which should be on a prog rock fans van)

Matthew:
I've already made some rude collages with the fuzzy felt. Theres a lot you can do with that carrot shape.

Todd:
just think how easy it's going to be in all the rest of the lessons. I could be hailed as a child genius, a prodigy. I don't have to end up working in a call centre. I could be famous like that weird kid with the antiques who wore the bow tie

Matthew:
He had a sex change didn't he?

Todd:
Yes well I don't think I'd be going quite down that route

Mr Smart:
Ok everyone - leave your paintings on the back table to dry overnight and put your chairs up on your desks.

The kids and Todd and Matthew put their paintings on the back table. Todd's painting is quite a reasonable sunset. Matthews is a self portrait of himself slaying a demon

As they go to put the chairs away. Todd happily lifts up 2 of the little chairs to help a couple of the smaller children. They look at him amazed; he quickly puts them on the desk

Todd:
(To Matthew) We've got super strength too. I mean compared to 8 year olds, I am going to be the king of this school. The first thing I'm going to do is beat up Scott Payne

Matthew:
You can't beat up a little kid

Small boy, Scott Payne, a mid-eighties child thug, comes over to Todd

Scott:
Toddlyplop! Knock Knock

Todd:
(Sighs) Who's there?

Scott:
I diddup

Todd:
I'm not falling for that. You're not going to make me say it

Scott:
Don't be such a Joey. Just say it, come on. I diddup

Todd:
No I'm not going to say I diddup who

Scott:
You did a poo? Ha ha ha you Gaylord. You did a poo. Errrrr! Now point to your head and say red backwards

Todd:
(Points to his head) Red backwards. Are you happy now?

Scott:
Have you got skill?

Todd:
What?

Scott:
Have you got skill?

Todd:
I believe I possess some skills yes

Scott:
Ha ha ha skill is African bum disease

Todd:
No, I'm pretty sure it isn't. I've never heard of it and I'm a lot cleverer than you

Scott walks away laughing

Todd:
He's not a little kid. He's pure evil. He made my life hell all throughout school and he's going to get what's coming to him.

Matthew:
Seems a bit extreme, looks like you'll be going to hell after all

Todd:
I'm not going to kill him or anything. Just put the fear of Todd into him. That'll teach him. What are you going to do with your advanced intelligence and strength?

Matthew:
I don't think I'll stay being this age. I can't drink, smoke and I really can't go out with any girls can I. (Takes out the watch) I'm sorry about earlier, you can come with me if you want. (Tries the watch - nothing happens) Shit! It's not working. What are we going to do?

Todd:
Send it in to Jim'll Fix It?

Matthew:
Do you suppose that they ever got broken appliances sent in to them? Dear Jimull....

Todd:
Dear who?

Matthew:
Dear Jimmull

Todd:
His name wasn't Jimmull. It was Jimmy Saville. His name wasn't Mr Jimmull Fixit

Matthew:
Oh him! I don't think we should get involved with Jimmy Saville, we've got enough problems. We don't need (sings) "Jim has fiddled with you and you, you and you and you."

Todd:
Unless you want to retire on a fat juicy lawsuit. The thing is knowing what we know now I think I should feel even more rejected that he didn't answer my letter, we used to have to put our ages on it as well and everything.

Matthew:
I don't really care right now. I'm eight years old forever

Todd:
Not forever, you'll be 16 in another 8 years

Matthew:
(Head in hands) oh my god. I don't think I can do this. Eight? I mean it was fun at the time but still ten years until I can legally get a drink. Having to go through the rest of the eighties and the nineties all over again. Having to pretend to be excited about the new millennium even though I know that nothing really happened at all in the 2000's except for Big Brother. I can't just stay here and live my life over in just the same way again. I think I'll get out of this town

Todd:
Where are you going to go?

Matthew:
London?

Todd:
I don't think, as a small boy running away to London would be a good idea. To the outside world at least we have already clearly established you are a small boy. The only case I've ever heard of where a young boy runs away to London and doesn't end up having his own reconstruction on crime watch is Dick Whittington. Perhaps if you had a talking cat it might work out for you

Matthew:
But I have adult strength and a superior adult brain

Todd:
But what are you going to do for a living exactly, become a bouncer at Stringfellow's? You're just not thinking

Matthew:
So you're just going to wait it out then? Stay here until you're old enough to make a fantastic new life for yourself

Todd:
I can be patient. I rather liked being this age. It was a simpler time. I don't think I'm missing out on anything not going to nightclubs. Now if you don't mind I have to go home my mother will be waiting for me outside. I'm going to go home I'm going to eat some Ringos and some Snaps, cheesy snaps and spicy tomato snaps, yum yum, all the good stuff you can't get anymore. Oh and opal fruits and Marathon

Matthew:
You can still get those now

Todd:
Yes but they called the bloody things Starburst and Snickers, it sounds like a young girl super hero and her faithful pet cat. What kind of names are those? Anyway, I'm going home to watch Danger Mouse

Scene 4
Old Nick is in his office. In walks Charon with Mr Scratch, a shambling grubby little man in a flat cap and long dirty raincoat. He is scratching furtively at himself. This in turn is making Charon feel rather itchy too

Charon:
Hi Nick

Nick:
Who's this then Charon?

Charon:
This is Mr Scratch

Scratch continues to scratch at his own crotch

Nick:
You don't say. Now why do they call you Scratch I Wonder?

Scratch:
Just a name I guess

Nick:
(Extends his hand to shake toward Mr. Scratch looks at him scratching still and retracts his hand) On second thoughts I won't shake hands

Scratch:
Very pleased to make your acquaintance Mr Nick. I have heard of you but we hadn't met before

Nick:
(Uncertainly)
Well it's a pleasure to meet you. You come highly recommended. We've got two inmates who have escaped we've tracked them down and we know they're back in 1985 pretending to be young boys. So I asked the lovely Charon here who do you know who would be good at following young boys around?

Charon:
And I said Mr Scratch

Scratch:
You're very kind

Scene 4
Interior -day. At Todd' house - Interior day- afternoon. Todd is happily sat on a settee in his living room, watching cartoons and eating sweets and crisps and playing with some 1980's toys, strangely these are for both boys and girls. The doorbell rings.

Todd:
(Yells) Mum! Someone at the door mum! (No answer goes to get it himself) There's somebody at the door (remembering the Rod Hull and Emu show - sings) there's somebody at the door

Opens it to see Matthew there with his school bag)

Matthew:
Hello Todd, coming out to play?

Todd:
Blue Peters on in a minute

Matthew:
The reason I came round was so we can do some research on time travel and see if we can get the watch going again.

Todd:
I still think I might stay here. There's a lot to be said for knowing about the future and no-one else does. I feel like Nostradamus

Matthew:
Or Derek Acorah?

Todd:
He doesn't see the future does he? He can't do or he'd have known he was going to get the sack from Most Haunted

Matthew:
I bought some research material

Todd:
(Looks in Matthew's bag) it's mainly comic books.

Matthew:
There's a lot of time travel in comic books.

Todd:
Hardly Einstein or Stephen Hawking is it

Matthew:
Ok what do you know about time travel then?

Todd:
I bought A Brief History of time when it came out

Matthew:
Great! What do you remember about it?

Todd:
To be honest not much

Matthew:
Did you read it? Or did you just buy it so it would look good on a coffee table

Todd:
(defensively)I started reading some of it, something about quarks and quasars or something, and then I have to admit I got a bit bored and re-read Stephen King's Carrie

Matthew:
I've seen the movie of that. (Sings) the sun'll come up, tomorrow la la la la tomorrow something something tomorrow tomorrow

Todd:
That's Annie not Carrie

Matthew:
What's the difference?

Todd:
What is it with you getting things muddled up? Carrie is a horror film

Matthew:
So is Annie! That was horrible that film! Gave me nightmares - singing ginger children ugh! However, I've seen Back to the Future and Terminator that's got time travel in it. Hey toys! What's with the care bears and my little ponies though mate?

Todd;
My mum didn't believe in gender stereotyping

Matthew:
Your mum's got a lot to answer for

Todd:
This is getting us nowhere. We have no idea about time travel apart from comic books and movies. Wait a moment, this watch is designed for your specific purposes, which means it must be based on your limited knowledge. Let me have a look at that instruction manual.

(Reads through some pages, picks up the watch and opens the back)

Todd:
I might have known. Look, it's even got a flux capacitor! One of the bits just became disconnected.

Matt is on the floor playing with Todd's toys.

Matthew:
(Girly voice) Help Action Man that evil care bear trapped me in a pit of hungry hippos.
(Manly voice) Don't worry your slightly oversized head about it Sindy. I'll save you! First I'll look this way, (moves Action Man's eyes) and then that way. Then I'll jump on my little pony. See how manly I am despite the searing pain of my foot having turned completely the wrong way around and now my combat trousers seem to be falling down.

Todd:
Will you stop playing with my toys?

Matthew:
So, what's on telly now then?

Todd:
John Craven's Newsround

Matthew:
Boring

Todd:
It's not boring. This is ground breaking classic educational television for children and introduced our generation to a number of important world issues.

Matthew:
It always seemed like they were just banging on about space or saving the panda to me. We've still got pandas, see they lied when they said they'd be extinct

Todd:
It's more informative than the news we get now. I can't believe how much news coverage the likes of Colleen Rooney and Abbey whatsername get. Why would I give a rat's arse about them? I'm not even interested in news about footballers, let alone the silly WAG bints they knock about with.

Matthew:
You pretty much watched everything they had on from CBBC didn't you?

Todd:
There were some exceptions; I was never very keen on things like Kick Start or We Are the Champions

Matthew:
You never were very interested in sport

Todd:
True. But how interesting was it really watching a load of kids doing sports? Although based on the knowledge that over protecting Parent Teacher Associations have banned camcorders from school sports days in case they are being watched by paedophiles, then I can only imagine these programmes were watched by enthusiastic perverts throughout the land.

There is a knock at the door. They go to answer it.

Matthew:
How do we know it isn't the devil coming to get us?

Todd:
You've got a point; However, it could be that but rather more likely it is that it's the window cleaner come to get his money.

Matthew:
Don't answer it

Todd:
You've got very paranoid lately

Matthew:
Well we did just escape from hell. That must have pissed the devil off a little bit. There's bound to be some come back and we do still have the watch

The letterbox flips open - scratch peeps through.

Scratch:
'Ello. Anybody home? (Sounds of heavy breathing)

Matthew:
I don't think you should answer the door

Todd:
I don't think I will answer the door

Scratch:
I'm a dirty door knocker. It's cheaper than making dirty phone calls. I've got something for you - I'll just stick it though your flap

(Blue dust pan brushes handle pokes through)

Matthew:
It's blue

Scratch:
It's very cold out here

Todd:
Looks like a brush to me

Matthew:
It's got bristles

Todd:
Are you a brush salesman?

Scratch:
If that'll make you open the door. Just having some fun

Todd:
No thank you we don't need any brushes today

Scratch:
I think you do

Matthew:
Go away!

Todd:
Did that seem a little odd to you?

Matthew:
Yes

Outside an ice cream van can now be heard playing a tune very similar to the Child catcher's theme from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Todd:
You know what I think that could have been someone from Hell after all (hears the tune) Ooh ice cream van!

Scene 5
exterior day - suburban street
Todd runs out to the street towards the Mr Whippy style van. Scratch is outside dressed like the child catcher.

Scratch:
Would you like an ice cream? They're all free today. (Sings to the tune of Little Children)
Little children
You better not tell on me
I'm tellin' you
Little children
You better not tell what you see
And if you're good
I'll give you candy and a quarter
If you're quiet like you oughta be
And keep a secret with me

Todd:

Yes please. I'll have mini milk

Matthew:
You fat git, you were only just stuffing yourself with crisps a minute ago

Scratch hands him mini milk.

Scratch:
There you go, milky milky. Now you're coming back with me to Hell.

Matthew:
You really are a complete knob-head aren't you?

Todd:
Shut up! Anyway it's you he's come for. I was there by mistake I didn't sell my soul for anything.

Matthew:
You selfish bastard. I got you out of there

Todd:
You got me out of there? Only because I had hold of you, you got me out by accident; you also got me in hell

Matthew:
That was an accident too

Todd:
I hate you. I hate you more than anything else on earth, and I hate a lot of things on earth.

Matthew:
Don't talk to me while you're deep-throating a mini milk. It's revolting. Men shouldn't be allowed to eat those.

Todd:
(Indicates Matthew) There you go Mr Devil-person, take him away with you

Scratch:
I'm here for both of you

Todd:
No! No you're not! Just him, that's the bastard you want, it's nothing to do with me

Scratch:
(Scratches his head)Boss doesn't see it like that

Todd:
You can't though. I'm a good person (wheedling voice) and I'll be a better person too as well now. I'll spread the word, become and evangelist if you want

Matthew:
What do you do in hell exactly?

Scratch:
Whatever I'm told to do

Matthew:
Bet you don't like that do you?

Scratch:
(Non-committal noise)

Matthew:
Why don't you pretend you haven't found us? It must be nicer for you getting to roam the earth looking like a dirty old man, frightening people in your best flasher mack. Why not stay here and say you're still looking for us. You could spend the next fifty years chasing me through time. Just think of all the places you could look for me. Maybe I'm hiding in that porno theatre? No? Oh well maybe in that brothel? The possibilities are endless

Scratch:
You could have a point there

Matthew:
And all you have to do is walk away

Scratch:
No, they might get suspicious

Matthew:
Ok how about 10 minutes head start?

Scratch:
Ok

Matthew presses something on the watch; both Todd and Scratch are frozen in time

Matthew:
Alright it worked. Todd come on. (Realises he's frozen too) Oh, can't move huh? Well maybe I would save you, or maybe I remember someone telling me they hated me more than everything else on earth? Perhaps I should just leave you here while I make my escape? (Sighs) Ok, I'll take you with me but I'm not doing this because I like you. I think the best thing I can do is help you, sad pathetic loser that you are. And if I help you then maybe that will earn me some kind of celestial scout points and then I'll get into heaven. Not a bad idea huh?

(Drags the frozen Todd awkwardly along)

Matthew:
God, you're a fat bastard aren't you? If I'm helping you I might put you on a training regime as well

Matthew continues to haul Todd out of sight. Scratch is still frozen. The scene holds on him. A caption appears - three hours later - Scratch becomes unfrozen.

Scratch:
(Looks around bewildered) Bugger!

Charon appears next to him. Charon is dressed in 80's clothes, a cross between early Madonna, Fame and Dynasty.

Charon:
Gag me with a spoon! You screwed up big time, didn't you?

Scratch:
Ummmm

Charon:
I was all amped for this too; it was going to be ace. Nick is going to think I'm a major bimbette for sure for letting a hoser like you handle this. That just sucks! Can you relate? We'd better bounce.

Scratch:
I'd happily watch you bounce

Charon:
Bite me

Scratch:
I'll happily do that too

Charon:
Bag your face, zeekanoid!

Scene 6
Interior - evening. Todd and Matthew are now in Matthew's bedroom. They are now dressed as 1990's teenagers. Except that Todd is still frozen. The room is full of 1990's teen memorabilia

Matthew:
That was close right Todd? Todd? (Seems him still frozen) Oh yes, I need to unfreeze you don't I. I think I like you better like this though

Matthew presses the watch. Todd comes back to life. Looks around

Todd:
Where am I now?

Matthew:
I got the watch working again I think. We should be about 16 now

Todd goes to the mirror to look at his teenage reflection

Todd:
I don't remember having this many spots. Blind people could read my face

Matthew:
It could be a dot-to-dot puzzle, let's fill in the lines and see what we get. Your hairstyles pretty crap too

Todd:
My hair hasn't changed

Matthew:
Yeah, it's always been crap

Todd:
Oh no I hated my teen years. I can never understand why people say these are the best years of your life. That would only be the case if immediately after high school I was arrested and sent to a Turkish prison. Why did you go for sixteen years old anyway? You were whingeing before because of how you couldn't go out drinking at eight

Matthew:
Well I did used to go out drinking at 14

Todd:
I didn't

Matthew:
What were you doing then?

Todd:
There were quite a lot of good TV programmes I used to watch in the 90's

Matthew:
That's pretty much all you've done with your life isn't it, watched TV?

Todd:
I've done other stuff as well

Matthew:
Ok name one thing. One fun thing you did when you were 16 that didn't involve watching television

Todd:
Give me a moment. I used to go out with the youth club sometimes. We went to the water park, I didn't like it much I got stuck in one of the slides.

Matthew:
Well we're going to give you some of the adolescence you missed out on. There's the school disco tonight

Todd:
That's what you think I was missing out on all these years, a school disco?

Matthew:
What do you actually enjoy doing? The only thing it looks like you enjoy doing is complaining about how miserable your life is

Todd:
I enjoy stuff

Matthew:
What stuff? For as long as I've known you the only topic of conversation you have is (mimics) "oh poor me, my life is so hard, I haven't got many friends, I can't get a girlfriend" Do something about it for once in your life

Todd:
Well what do you do at these school discos then?

Matthew:
Well we go to the school but its night-time so that was a novelty right there, and the girls are all dressed the same as each other. And all the girls do a sort of shuffling dance in a circle occasionally copying a move they saw on Top of the Pops. And the guys stand around looking at them for a while, then some girl has a cry in the toilets about something and the girls run round after her, then one of the boys will ask one of the girls what's going on then eventually you might have a dance with some of the girls, then it's all over and you leave. And we might go to the chip shop

Todd:
(Sarcastically) oooh that sounds fun. I wonder why I never went to that

Matthew:
Well it helps if you get drunk first. That's why I've got (shows a carrier bag with bottles) ta-da-da-dah! Diamond White and Hooch. And this lemonade bottle has been filled with bits of all the drinks in my parent's drinks cabinet. And of course my piece de resistance, Ribisky, a refreshing and intoxicating blend of Ribena and whisky.

Todd:
(Sarcastically) And quality alcohol as well. I can understand why you used to buy that shit when you were young but why buy it now when you know better.

They start drinking it anyway, although clearly not enjoying it. Throughout the conversation they are having to take hefty swigs of it and grimacing

Matthew:
This is the teenage experience which you missed out on. You were meant to drink this shit. It'll make you into a more rounded human being

Todd:
It'll make me into a very ill human being. Why did you buy all this crap?

Matthew:
It's what people drank back then

Todd:
But we don't have to

Matthew:
It's all they sell at the off-licence that doesn't mind selling to underage kids

Todd:
The fact that you have a watch that manipulates time didn't perhaps mean you could have made yourself older and get something decent. You could have gone back in time and got some Napoleon brandy. From Napoleon if you'd wanted to

Matthew:
Stop whingeing you big wet pair of girls' pants. You're missing the point. I'm going to get you drunk. You'll get to hang out with the cool kids for once instead of sitting at home watching TV and worrying about whether you were the messiah

Todd:
How did you know about that?

Matthew:
Because you were a virgin. And all boys who can't get anyone to want to sleep with them think that the reason could be because they're really the Son of God

Todd:
None the less. It's totally inappropriate for you to want me to get off with some 16 year old girl, even if in theory they are chronologically the same age as them. It's just wrong

Matthew:
We'll get you one of the teachers then

Todd:
No.

Matthew:
What do you want to do then?

Todd:
I don't know. What else did you used to do all the time when you were 16 (looks around the room and notices all the pin up posters and porno magazines) Oh I think I know. Got yourself quite a wank-tank in this room haven't you?

Matthew:
Yeah Pammy got me through adolescence

Todd:
I just think we ought to be doing something more interesting than just reliving our teen years

Matthew:
We've got plenty of time for all that. All the time in the world as a matter of fact.

Todd:
I wouldn't be too sure about that. What about that weird child-catcher man that showed up at my house earlier. I don't remember anyone like that hanging around my house before. You know something this stuff tastes disgusting but I think I'm starting to get a bit pissed

Matthew:
That's good, it's 7:30 now, and we should be heading out in a bit

Todd:
Why are you trying to do all this stuff for me then? I thought you didn't like me?

Matthew:
Hey no, I mean you're alright I suppose. And I am feeling a bit guilty that I got you mixed up in all this. Keep drinking. The only way to cope with a night where they only serve warm flat cola in paper cups is to be pissed as possible before hand. You're going to need it.

Todd:
I am getting pissed. I thought I could handle more than this. It must be because my teenage body isn't used to this

Matthew:
That and the lethal concoction of shit I mixed up probably

There is a scrambling at the window. Outside Scratch is up on a ladder peering in through the window

Scratch:
Got you now. (Is stricken with an itch he has to scratch) Ooh, itchy itchy (he lets go of the ladder to scratch himself resulting in him losing his balance and falling backwards)

Charon (dressed like a Spice Girl but still a red outfit) and Nick are stood at the bottom of the ladder and watch him plummet down past them. Todd and Matthew in the room have been oblivious to all of this

Nick:
Why have we got this bloody great burke helping us with this?

Charon:
Don't go there! He's very good at following boys and men. He's done it loads of times. It's all good.

Nick:
Following maybe, but he's not very good at catching them is he?

Charon:
I think that might be the only reason he managed to stay off the offenders register, know what I mean.

Scratch:
(A bit dazed and battered) I can't get in, the windows shut but they're going out soon and they're a bit tipsy already

Nick:
Well that's something at least. The devils work is a lot easier when people are drunk. Tempting a drunk to do something stupid is incredibly easy; just as long as you can keep their attention and they don't go running off with a traffic cone or something. You can get a drunk person to sell their soul just so they can stop being sick

Charon:
Where are they going then scratch?

Scratch puts his arm around her to talk to her

Charon:
Ugh, no! Don't like touch me. I don't know where you've been you scabby little man. I don't want no scrub.

Scratch:
They're going to a school disco of some sorts. I'm very keen on going to that. Young people gyrating to a pulsating disco rhythm. Getting all sweaty. Reminds me of when I used to work and the YMCA

Charon:
What did you do there?

Scratch:
Well you can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do what you darn well feel.

Charon:
Sweet! I love School Discos. I need to get changed though

Nick:
Oh for pity's sake

Charon:
Talk to the hand coz the face ain't listening! Girl Power!

Later Todd and Matthew are staggering down the road through a residential area. They are weaving about a bit and taking turns drinking from a large bottle of woodpecker cider

Matthew:
(Singing) Give me just a little more time -burp! - And my -something will surely grow (trails off) can't remember that one. (Changes tune and sings complete with actions) It's just a jump to the left (jumps) and then a step to the ri-I-I-I-ight, with your hands on your tits (grabs Todd and molests his chest) you pull your needs in tight but it's the pelvic thrusts that really drive you insay- yay-yay-yane. Let's do the time warp again

Todd:
You should be quiet you know people live around here. I don't want to get arrested

Matthew:
No one ever got arrested for singing and if we did we just use the old watch and poof we're gone

Todd:
Did you just call me a poof?

Matthew:
No I said poof as in a magical poof like a puff of smoke, (Sings) Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea. (Stops singing) You know that song was about drugs don't you?

Todd:
I don't think it was

Matthew:
Yeah it was, puffing the magic dragon, chasing the dragon, little Jackie papers, rolling papers and the mist that was all the smoke

Todd:
No it's just potheads like you who have to go ruining a perfectly sweet and lovely children's song about a nice magic dragon and turn it into a hippy-trip of drug references. I know I keep bringing this up but I have to say this is definitely, positively the stupidest use of time travel ever

Matthew:
What do you suggest we do then? Bearing in mind it's my watch, my soul and my rules

Todd:
We could crack the secret of inter stellar travelling thingy couldn't we? Travel though space, freeze time around us then make ourselves young again

Matthew:
Do you want to travel through space?

Todd:
Not personally, no

Matthew:
Then that's a stupid suggestion then. I've been thinking about it anyway. What did every other character do in any time travel thing?

Todd:
Can we actually change the past or is this like Ashes to Ashes?

Matthew:
What that no-ones actually back in time at all they're dead? Bloody silly idea mixing death and time travel

Todd:
(Considering this for a moment) All that big build up for that and Lost and it turns out they've given them pretty much the same ending. You don't suppose this is just a clever trick do you. Make us think we've travelled back in time just to put me through the torment of my adolescence again.

Matthew:
Look I know you can't see the point to this but I'm trying to help you. You are an old knob, and I'm trying to eradicate some of the knobbery out of you

Todd:
I've had enough of being insulted by you

Matthew:
And what are you going to do about it?

Todd:
I'm going to take control of that watch that's what I'm going to do. (Lunges for Matthew's pockets)

Matthew:
Err get out of there you perv.

Todd manages to get the watch out of Matthews pocket but Matthew keeps hold of it as well, they are both trying to wrestle it out of each other's hands.

Matthew:
Let go you twat. I sold my soul for this

Todd:
I lost my life for this

Matthew:
You didn't have a life

As they wrestle the watch is being pressed. This is having a strange effect on them and their surroundings. The background is changing to being from different time periods, as are they. They are also changing to being different ages - they are both in the same historical costumes and at the same ages together.

Todd: (Elizabethan)
Thou art an odious dog's pizzle

Matthew:
Fie! A pox upon thee! (Changes into a very small child) Poo-poo face!

Todd:
(As a small child crying)I'm telling my mummy on you!

Throughout this Nick, Scratch and Charon have been watching in confusion. They make a lunge for them both.

Nick:
Gotcha!

Matthew:
Oh crap!

Nick, Charon and Scratch try to grab them but can't seem to manage. Matthew and Todd suddenly vanish. And the others are left just staring at an empty space on the pavement.

Charon:
Where are they now then?

Nick:
They'll have gone back in time somewhere. Scratch?

Scratch is absent mindedly scratching himself again, finds something particularly interesting and eats it

Charon:
Ewww! Sick!

Nick:
Do you have to do that? Anyway this is your department, sniff them out

Scratch starts sniffing with a little dance thrown in

Scratch:
Ahhhh! I think I've got them.

Charon:
And?

Scratch:
They've gone back half an hour ago. They're back at the house

Nick:
Alright, we'll go back there then

Charon:
I've got a better idea. We know they'll be coming this way so we'll just nab them

Nick:
Cor blimey, it's just as well you were blessed in other ways sweetheart because you aren't very bright are you? They'll have remembered that we were here and they'll be scarpering off to a different time all together.

Back in Matthew's bedroom, despite everything Todd and Matthew are both obviously still drunk.

Matthew:
This is good, we drank all this and it's all back again. We can drink these all over again

Todd:
We could do that. We could keep drinking and keep going back and just keep drinking it again

Matthew:
We should definitely do that

Sometime later although no time has passed at all. Todd and Matthew have been in a drinking time loop, constantly moving time back so that the bottles keep refilling and are both plastered.

Todd:
We don't still have to go to this disco thing do we?

Matthew:
Nah! I'm too pissed now anyway. D'you wanna know the real reason I wanted to go anyway?

Todd;
I thought you said it was because you wanted to make me into a real man and take me in hand

Matthew:
Don't say it like that, makes it sound a bit gay. No the other reason was because of Sophie Miller, I saw in that file that she wanted me, but this was the one and only chance of that. We were getting on great at the disco then there was an unfortunate incident and she wouldn't speak to me again

Todd:
So you wanted to put right what once went wrong

Matthew:
Exactly! Exactly! She was the love of my life, the one that got away

Todd:
I didn't even know you had feelings. I always thought you were just a man-slut

Matthew:
That's not fair; I've got a lot of love to give. I'd cuddle her and keep her warm and feed her and stroke her

Todd:
Perhaps you should just get a cat

Matthew:
I wrote poems about her. Look do you want to see. (He hauls out a box from under the bed filled with sheets of paper) Here. (Reads one) 'Oh my lovely Sophie, you are sweet like toe fee....'

Todd:
Toe fee?

Matthew:
I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with Sophie. Bophie, cophie, dophie, fophie, wophie. Nothing works

Todd:
No fee?

Matthew:
How am I going to work no fee into a romantic poem?

Todd:
(Looks over Matthew's shoulder)
You managed to work blow me into this romantic poem

Matthew:
(Snatches the poem out of Todd's view) If you're not going to take me seriously I won't bother. I'm making myself vulnerable here. I'm opening up to you and all you can do is take the piss

Todd:
No it's not that I'm quite surprised is all. So what happened at the disco with Sophie?

Matthew:
I don't want to talk about it

Todd:
Come on it can't be that bad. At least you've had girlfriends. I can't even get girls to go near me. I couldn't when I was younger and I kept thinking it's just because they're immature, they don't know the real me. Older women they'll get me. I think I'm the most intelligent person I know.

Matthew:
Really?

Todd:
Yeah, I read the Financial Times, I'm not like you. You're a bit scummy.

Matthew:
Scummy? You think I'm scummy?

Todd:
I don't mean scummy in a bad way. I mean that in a good way. Anyway are you going to listen to what I've got to say and not keep interrupting me? I can't get a word in edgeways. What I'm saying is that I think that women don't know what they're missing out on. I'm intelligent, arti- artisticulate. I'm sensitive. I've got a lot to offer a girl

Matthew:
Are we going to just keep drinking or do we actually have a plan of where we're going?

Todd:
I think we should go to that disco after all. I'm going to show those girls some of my moves (gets up a starts dancing around clumsily and awkwardly with his hands still in his coat pockets which he has kept on the whole time)

Matthew:
Those are your moves? Well, absolutely, what women could resist you?

Todd:
Yeah, you think you're so bloody suave don't you. Look my personal life or lack thereof is not open for public discussion.

Matthew:
I'm not getting into another argument with you.

Todd:
(Has picked up the watch from the floor between them) No, come on let's go and boogie the night away and strut our funky stuff. (Does some more awkward dancing and then hits rewind on the watch)
 

Another long post, but that's OK because the more I read the more I think you're on to something here. It feels it's aiming for a cross between Dr Who and the League of Gentlemen and screams cult potential all over. It has much more potential than your Hindlee script: keep at it.

A lot of the jokes are good, but if anything, you need fewer of them because you've got a really good, funny story going on here, and the subtler, more plot-related lines are the funniest ones e.g. "fear of Todd", "last Thursday isn't going to happen for another 26 years" and the line about Dick Whittington

On a similar note, "I'll have minimilk", "Blue Peter's on in a minute" and "its got a flux capacitor" made me chuckle a lot more than the more drawn out comments about Annie/Carrie and "Puff the magic dragon" (definitely done before. The action man sequence was good though. You'll need to cut the references to Jimmy Saville if you want to get it made too.

Mr Scratch is great, as is the idea of the denizens from hell waiting outside to catch Matt and Todd as they "outwit" them by repeatedly getting drunk.

Thanks, that's quite an ego boost you've given me there.

If you're not careful I'll end up posting the next 4 episodes on here

You know what, sod it, I'm bored. It's pelting it down with snow outside and I've got nothing better to do. If anyone wants to see the next episode here it is

Episode 3
To the Matt cave

Scene 1
Interior - Nick's office in Hell.
Nick and Scratch are sat around. Nick is smoking; Scratch is as usual absent mindedly scratching himself.

Scratch:
So where's that Charon then?

Nick:
Damned if I know. She sent me one of those text messages but I can't make head nor tail of it. (Reads message from phone - phonetically) lo Nick, will cuh el-eight-ar em-eight. Am so but. Goin 2 asterisk dollar sign be four will cuh. If neh one calls am not awol, had 2 get noms as not E ten. Gettin bee bee Q kuh-fuc, if uh eleven, ill get fourteen U. Bee-ruh-bee bee-eff-eff. Lol. Bloody woman's talking gibberish!

Scratch:
Give it to me. I'm down with the kids

Nick:
I thought you were supposed to have stopped doing that?

Charon walks in with latte

Nick:
Where the bleeding hell have you been?

Charon:
I told you in my text

Nick:
Try sending them in English next time

Charon:
What's the matter with you?

Scratch:
He's all tense and wound up because of those escaped souls. I offered him a massage but he wasn't interested.

Charon:
You know what the problem is don't you. We tried to grab them but we couldn't and that's because they're not dead yet. Not at this stage in their life. In order to be able to take them back down to hell they have to be dead. Do you want me to take care of them?

Scratch:
Are you death then?

Charon:
No I can hear perfectly well

Nick:
He meant are you the grim reaper

Charon:
Bloody cheek, do I look grim to you. No I'm just the person who conveys dead people to the underworld. The point being they have to be dead. I can't touch them unless they are.

Nick:
So we've got three choices, we have to kill them, or we have to tempt them with a new deal or we have to get them back to being at a time after they died again.

Scratch:
I could take them down if you like sir

Nick:
And I admire your enthusiasm but Charon's right for a change. We can't touch them. So if we have to kill them it needs to be an accident. We need to create an accident to bump them off. Something not too messy preferably. But we have to have Grim Reaper or George Reaper, as he prefers to be known, to officially witness the death. Charon nip down to his office and have a word will you?

Charon walks down the corridor and knocks on an office bearing the sign George Reginald Ian Morris Reaper. After Life Care Team Manager.

Charon knocks on door.

Charon:
Hello? Mr Reaper? Hello? Anyone there?

Grim's office. This time it's all decorated in black, sparsely furnished with a chess set on the desk as well as several labelled threads and a pair of scissors. Grim is fast asleep and snoring on the book of death She notices a hooded cloak and scythe hung up on a coat stand.

Charon:
(walks up to grim - sings softly to the tune of brahms lullaby) All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper

She takes the cloak and scythe and tries them on in front of a full-length mirror in the office. She is not impressed with how baggy and covering the effect is. She rummages through her enormous handbag which she carries around with her everywhere and finds a large belt, after adding this she then takes a large pair of scissors from the desk and crops the bottom of the robes to make it into a mini skirt. When satisfied with the effect she pouts and poses in front of the mirror for a while, takes a photo of herself on her phone and the eventually leaves.

Charon re-enters Nick's office where Nick and Scratch have been waiting impatiently.

Nick:
Where the bloody hell have you been, and what are you wearing?

Charon:
Grim was asleep so I borrowed it.

Nick:
George will kill you when he sees what you've done to his robes

Charon:
He's got loads of them, this would only have been a spare and anyway I think it looks better on me. Do you like it? Black kind of suits me I think

Scratch:
You look lovely

Charon:
Thank you disgusting little man

Nick:
So you're going to play dress up as a reaper.

Charon:
It's perfectly legitimate I work in the post death department so as long as I'm correctly attired I can officiate over a death. I've been working here longer than you have I'm not a complete dumb-blonde I know what I'm doing.

Nick:
You'll need the death book though won't you?

Charon:
Grim was using it as a pillow. He's probably tired himself out lurking around old people's homes again. He likes to do that a lot. It'll be all right, I'll just use a post-it for the moment I'll sneak back in his office and write it in the book later.

Nick:
Post-it notes?

Charon:
Yeah, it'll be fine. They get used all over the place in the death departments, trust me. I think it's time it all got updated anyway. At least get a laptop of death instead. It would be a lot easier to carry than that bloody enormous big book. Pain in the arse that thing is.

Nick:
I don't know, I don't like the idea of doing anything to get up Grim's nose; he's been here longer than any of us. You fill out that robe a lot more than he does you might stretch it. And I don't think he'll be too keen on doing his reaping in a mini skirt

Charon:
Are you saying I'm fat? (Turns to try to look at her rear view) Does my bum look big in this?

Nick:
I meant it as a compliment. Grim is a 7 foot tall skeleton and you're a bit more buxom than that.

Charon:
Huh! You do think I look fat! That's it I'm going to have to get changed again. Because I'm too fat to wear this

Nick:
You look wonderful, doesn't she?

Scratch:
Lovely. You can reap me anytime

Nick:
A true angel of death. Now get a wiggle on and we can go and get them

Charon:
How about my boobage? Is there enough cleavage in this thing?

Nick:
Like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.

Back in Matthew's bedroom they are now dressed in sixth form school uniforms it is daylight and they are both still very drunk

Matthew:
What the hell did you do this time?

Todd:
Set it forward so we could get to the disco finally

Matthew:
(Grabs the watch back off him) You didn't, you've put it back. This is the start of the day now. We should be going to school now.

Matthew's mum comes into the room. She sniffs the air.

Mum:
Matthew, why aren't you on the way to school? You've been drinking haven't you? Well, you and you're little friend here are going to school anyway. I have to be at work in twenty minutes and I'm not having you loafing around here all day getting sick. I'll drive you into school and you can be the teachers' problem.

Todd is checking out Matthew's mother.

Todd:
Mrs Webster you look beautiful when you're angry

Mum:
What?!

Todd:
I'm serious you're a fine looking woman for your age. How old are you?

Mum:
I'm 38

Todd:
See now that's not much older than me (slings his arm around her shoulder)

Matthew:
Dude, don't touch my mum

Todd:
How about it Mrs W. You could be my sugar-momma. I'll provide some discipline into Matthew's life as his stepfather

Mum:
(Impatiently flinging Todd's arm from her shoulders) The pair of you smell like a brewery. And you (pointing to Todd) behave yourself. Do you want me to have to call your mother?

Todd:
No, please don't call my mum. I'll be good. I'm sorry Mrs Webster

Later we see Matthew and Todd dropped off outside the school. They are let out and the door shut swiftly by Matthew's mum

Matthew:
Bye mum

Todd:
Sorry I was sick in your car

She drives away. They stagger through the school gates.

Matthew:
It's been so long. I haven't got a clue where I'm supposed to be

Todd:
It's like those dreams I keep having. I'm back at school and I'm a grown man but everyone else I went to school with is still there and I don't know which lesson I'm meant to be in and I don't know if I've done my homework. Oh my God I think I'm going to have a panic attack. I'm not naked as well am I? (Looks down at himself) Good, I'm not naked. But what are we going to do where should we be, and I'm pissed! I'm really pissed! I can't be drunk at school! How will this look on my end of year report?

Matthew:
It'll be ok; lots of people got drunk at school. Remember when Annabel Wilmslow got trashed and danced around naked on the backfield one lunchtime

Todd:
No I don't remember that. I spent most lunch times in the library though. Maybe this time I'll get to be one of the cool kids. I can be the talk of the school about something other than wetting the bed during the geography field trip.

Matthew:
You know you didn't really wet the bed don't you? It was just Scott Payne poured water over you when you were asleep

Todd:
What? But everyone picked on me for months over that. My mum even bought plastic sheets for my bed. I had to undergo the humiliation of my mum packing emergency unisex plastic pants in my bag "just in case". The whole lot of you, everyone at school, all bastards, utter, utter bastards! I'm drunk and I'm finally going to tell everyone just what I think of them! And you get to see Sophie again. You can tell her one of your poems.

Matthew:
You think I should?

Todd:
Absolutely.

They wobble off into school.

They burst into the 6th form common room

Matthew:
Hey, hey the party people have arrived let's get it started in here. Let's get retarded in here.

Todd:
Wooh yeah. I am smashed. I'm one of the cool kids now!

Matthew:
Hey guys haven't seen you in ages

Boy 1:
You saw us at school yesterday. You pissed or what?

Matthew:
Yes, yes I am

Boy 2
Wicked

Matthew:
So are you on face book now?

Boy 1:
Face what?

Matthew:
Face book you know, social networking

Boy 2:
(To Todd) What's he on about Leyopp?

Todd:
Don't ask me, I can't stand Face book

Matthew:
Yeah, right time travel. Cool, we could invent it. Listen guys it's one of the biggest things ever in the future, trust me on this one

Todd:
And the biggest waste of time ever

Matthew:
Oh, shut up you moany old git. We could be millionaires

Boy 2:
Tell me more

Matthew:
Well you get this group together

Boy 1:
Where?

Matthew:
On the internet and then you log onto it from your computer

Boy 1:
I'm not into all that nerdy computer geek stuff

Matthew:
No, it's cool you go on this page and all your friends go on it too and you chat to each other by your computers and stuff

Boy 2:
But we can just chat to each other anyway

Matthew:
But you can do this while you're at home or miles away

Boy 2:
Like the phone

Matthew:
You can send pictures

Boy 1:
Like a fax?

Todd:
More like email

Boy 2:
What exactly is email?

Matthew:
God, I'd forgotten how primitive 1993 was. Ok there's other stuff you can do. See I've got a page all about me which anyone in the world can see if I let them

Boy 2:
Seems a bit big-headed of you. Who'd want to read about you.

Todd:
That's what I think to be honest

Matthew:
Well nobody would want to read yours probably. Status update "oh, I'm such a sad old git I haven't got any friends, my job is horrible and I can't get a girlfriend'.

Todd:
I wouldn't write that.

Matthew:
Well, something like that anyway.

Todd:
Well all you use it for is looking at profiles of girls you want to shag. That sort of thing used to be called stalking

Matthew:
Anyway back to my invention. You can write on each other's walls and poke each other

Boy 2:
You ain't poking me. Piss off with your poking.

Matthew:
And girls post up pictures of themselves in bikinis and underwear and stuff all the time

Boy 1:
OK that does sound cool

Todd wanders off in the direction of girls

Todd:
Hey ladies. Looking good! (Walks over to a table full of girls - they begin giggling) See, you're getting all giddy over me aren't you? That's good, that's good. See I'm a love machine. (Picks up a pair of sunglasses of the desk) those are cool gun-slashes, sun-glasses I mean. (Puts them on and begins singing to roughly the tune of Hound Dog) You ain't nothing but a gold digger but you are messing with an old digger. (Stops singing - takes the glasses off and looks at them) these are cool, can I keep them?

Girl 1:
Yes take them just go away. You're freaking us out

Todd:
No come on don't be like that. I'd make a great boyfriend. I'd read you poems and I'd kiss you, like this (mimes kissing with plenty of noisy tongue action) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. (Flicks the light switch on and off while making rave and disco moves)

Girl 2:
Please just go away. We're trying to give you the opportunity to leave with whatever dignity you have left, please take it.

Todd:
(Slopes off) miserable bitches. Where's that bastard Matthew gone now? He's left me in the worst period of my entire life, high school.

Scott Payne, a 16 year old version of the small bully from primary school throws his keys at Todd. Todd not realising where they have come from stoops to pick them up.

Scott:
Leyflop, you bender! You've dropped the keys to the Gay Club and now you're picking them up

Todd:
These aren't my keys. You threw them at me. These must be your keys to the Gay Club.

Scott:
No they're yours. You're not only a member of the Gay Club but you're so trusted a member that they've given you the keys to it

Todd:
You know what, you're probably right I had better keep hold of these keys until the founding member of the gay club comes to collect them

Scott:
Yeah you do that 'cause you know who all the benders are

Todd:
You're absolutely sure these aren't your keys?

Scott;
(Less certainly) Yeah?

Todd:
So, you don't want them back then?

Scott:
You really want them? You're desperate to get into the Gay Club aren't you? No, give them back you tosser!

Todd:
These are your keys then?

Scott:
They're my house keys. Give 'em back

Todd:
So you live in the gay club? And what's with you and all the gay comments. Why are you so homophobic?

Scott:
I ain't homo anything

Scott grabs the watch that Todd has poking out of his blazer pocket

Scott:
What's this?

Todd:
No that is important give it back

Scott:
Give me my keys

Todd hands over the keys; Scott punches him in the stomach and runs off with the keys and the watch laughing. Matthew saunters up to him

Matthew:
Are you going to stand for that?

Todd:
No, I might have to lie down for it. Where the bloody hell have you been?

Matthew:
Tried to chat up Sophie Miller, waste of time stuck up cow

Todd:
I thought she was the love of your life. You wrote that poem

Matthew:
I've written lots of poems about lots of girls. Plenty more fish in the sea and plenty more ladies out there for me. Anyway I was thinking of all the women that are like top models and actresses and stuff in our time and they're just struggling nobodies now. If I was to try and shag one of them, now would probably be my best bet.

Todd:
Didn't go well with Sophie then? Am I to take it that perhaps the reason you messed it up with her the first time was because you got pig-whimperingly drunk and tried it on with her?

Matthew:
Pretty much. That and I was sick on her face when I tried to snog her again. What did you think of my poems by the way?

Todd:
If I'm honest I gave up reading after the first spelling mistake I came to. I then just pretended to read it for what looked like a reasonable amount of time

Matthew:
Well what about you. Made your moves on anyone, had your revenge on Scott Payne?

Todd:
I thought I might be able to outwit him; unfortunately wit is a very poor defence against a punch in the stomach

Matthew:
Why are you wearing girl's sunglasses by the way?

Todd:
I like them. Anyway, they're unisex

Matthew:
They're girls' glasses; they've got tortoise shell frames and gold bits.

Todd takes off the glasses and looks them over

Matthew:
Where's the watch? I'm bored of here anyway. Let's go somewhere else

Todd:
That junior psychopath Scott Payne has it

Matthew:
Oh you tit! Why did you let him take it?

Todd:
I didn't let him. I was essentially mugged for it

Matthew:
Well we'd better find it then.

In the school field Nick, Charon and Scratch.

Scratch:
They should be just about here

Nick:
Well they're not

Scratch:
The watch is. I can smell it

Charon:
The only person around is that boy (points at Scott Payne)

Nick:
(Notices the watch in Scott's hand) Why's he got that? How are we supposed to keep up with this deal when Webster keeps handing the watch over to everyone else?

Charon:
Let's get him then.

Nick:
We need something just to knock him out for a short time. Just enough to make him clinically dead for a few minutes, which should be long enough. What could we get him with in the middle of a field?

Scratch:
How about a rogue killer bee?

Scott begins running around frantically accompanied by a load insectile buzzing he then falls dramatically to the ground

The three crowd around him.

In hell. Scott is sat in Nick's office.

Scott:
I didn't do nothing! You can't keep me here!

Nick:
Now calm down son, we don't really want you anyway. All we need off you is that watch and then we can sort something out

Scott:
What watch?

Charon:
Don't try that with us. The watch you had just before you died.

Scott:
I'm dead?

Scratch:
I'll search him for it if you like

Nick:
Easy now fella. We just want the watch

Scott:
(Looks about himself) Where am I?

Charon:
Hell and do you know what I'm sick of having to tell people that? Over and over again it's just the same conversation, "where am I?" "What happened?" You people are so unoriginal. We do try to leave some clues lying around like the signs that say Hell and the fact that everything's red and it stinks of sulphur in here

Scratch:
Oh that was me, sorry.

Nick:
Open a window next time will you?

Charon passes Nick a file. This has Scott Payne's name on it. Nick begins reading it Not actually saying anything but making occasionally nodding motions, and throwing in either positive or negative,"mmms" or "uh huhs" Charon and Scratch are peering over Nick's shoulder. Scott is sat at the opposite side of the desk looking increasingly nervous.

Scott:
Don't I get a phone call or something?

Nick:
You haven't been arrested son, you're in hell

Scott:
I haven't done nothing

Nick:
Not according to this but nothing much....yet

Charon:
Looks like all your best work is ahead of you

Scratch:
He hasn't got the watch anyway

Nick:
What do you reckon Chaz, should we just send him back so he can carry on his good work?

Charon:
Might as well. Not much point keeping him around here. He'll have to drink the tea of forgetfulness though otherwise he might change his ways

Nick:
Alright. Send in Old Lady Meng. Not too strong mind we don't want him to forget who he is just where he's been.

Charon disappears and comes back in with an old woman tea lady complete with tea trolley. She is wearing a housecoat, with her hair in a net and rollers.

Meng
Alright me lovelies, teas up

Nick
Thank you Mrs M. Just the one cup, not a strong one mind. We only want this lad to forget where he's been not who he is

Meng:
Right-ho poppet. Now would anyone like a macaroon?

Back with Matthew and Todd in the school field. The watch is in the foreground in the middle of field - like opening credits Bernard's watch - additional music similar Matthew wanders up to it and picks it up

Matthew:

What bloody idiot left this lying around in a field?

Todd:
Well let's get out of here anyway; I'm sick of school I had enough of it when I was here the first time and I certainly didn't want to go back.

Matthew:
It was good to see everyone again. So where would you like to go?

Todd:
I'm not sure. I'm a bit concerned because every time we've gone back so far we've leapt into our former selves as it were. What happens if we go back in time to a period in time that we weren't born yet?

Matthew:
Let's find out (he presses the watch - things go a bit blurry again.)

They find themselves stood in the same field they both stark naked -this doesn't matter so much as they find they are surrounded by Edwardian looking men who are all in the process of stripping off old-fashioned bathing suits some have still kept their straw boaters on
Some haven't. They are all singing together.

Edwardian Men:
We are nudey sunbathers, bathing in the nudey sun

Todd and Matthew cover themselves with a couple of spare boaters. They use the watch to make a hasty retreat.

Matthew:
Ok, so we've learnt that we can't take our clothes with us. But we've still got the hats - which means we can obviously carry stuff with us. That seems a bit of a pain in the bum but it's better than leaping out of bushes in the nuddie and scaring children and old ladies.

Todd:
(Is looking down at himself still naked except for the strategically placed hat) So where are we venturing on to now then. Preferably sometime when we have some clothes. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable like this. I struggle with my confidence at the best of times. So this is like in the Time Traveller's Wife. We'll just keep finding ourselves somewhere naked and throwing up with no control of ourselves.

Matthew:
Only if you come on a pub crawl with me. Anyway, if we can carry stuff then we can go looting for artefacts. We could make a fortune

Todd:
Haven't you committed enough illegal acts with that watch now? I mean whatever happens you're going to hell

Matthew:
Well, so are you. You pissed off the devil too. And if you're going to hell you might as well live a little first.

Montage showing them having some fun with the watch. To the song Louis Armstrong - We have all the time in the world. Walking through expensive department stores while everyone else is frozen, with a couple of supermarket shopping trolleys just casually loading them up with stuff. Pole dancing (fully dressed - thankfully) to motionless commuters on the tube using the central poles. Posing for photographs with waxworks at Tussaud's, bouncing on all the beds in a furniture store. They are in a town centre by one of those actors dressed as a living statue, everyone is frozen including the statue they turn time back on and jump out at him going "RAAAA!" the statue is startled and falls off his stand, they are in a pub helping themselves to peoples crisps and pouring themselves beers from behind the bar amongst the frozen patrons of a pub.

Matthew:
Where do you want to go now then mate. I think I've got a handle on this thing now

Todd:
I don't know. I could do with going somewhere peaceful for a little holiday

Matthew
With shopping trolley of clothes of course

Todd:
Yes, Nowhere naked

Things go blurry again

Todd:
Where are we at the moment?

Matthew:
Not sure, it's not showing on the watch.

They get dressed. A caveman comes lumbering up to them

Caveman:
Ug? Ug?

Todd:
Seems to be more at your educational level. You'd better talk to him

Matthew:
Hello. What is your name? Me, Matthew

Caveman:
Mah - oooh?

Matthew:
Close enough

Todd:
And I'm Todd Leyopp

Caveman:
Toddlyopp

Todd:
No. Why can't anyone get it right? Todd Leyopp. Todd Leyopp

Caveman:
(Excitedly bouncing around) Toddlyopp! Toddlyopp!

Todd:
There's going to have to be a penalty to anyone else who calls me that

Matthew:
You know what mate. We could be gods around here

Todd:
Don't like the look of the handmaidens though (gesturing to the cavewomen in the distance)

Matthew:
You've gone out with worse

Todd:
No I haven't

Matthew:
Oh no that's right you haven't really gone out with anyone.

The rest of the cave people are now clustering around them

Matthew:
(Grabs a lighter from the collection of items in the trolley that the caveman has been tentatively prodding- flicks it and shows it to the caveman) I bring you fire

The cave people are astonished and fall to their knees in praise. Bowing before Todd and Matt, but mainly Matt. Todd notices this and is a bit put out

Todd:
Yeah well, I can do this (demonstrates the separated thumb trick) Ha, look at that then

The cave people start screaming hysterically and try to run away

Todd:
No, calm down. (Wiggles his fingers and thumbs at him) See, I'm all right

Matthew:
I have more wonders to show you. (Shows them an empty paper bag and holds it open) I shall now catch balls of air in this paper bag. He picks a caveman from the crowd and gestures to him rolling a ball of air in his hands and getting the caveman to do the same. Then indicating to him to throw it into the bag. When the caveman throws his "air ball" Matthew makes the bag rustle using his finger tips. The crowd is delighted.

Back in hell

In Nick's office

Nick, Charon & Scratch are sat around on their own, looking a bit dazed and munching on macaroons. Old lady Meng and Scott Payne have since gone.

Scratch:
What were we doing again?

Charon:
(Giggling helplessly)

Nick:
What's up with you?

Charon:
Nothing. Who am I anyway? I know who you are! You spawn of Satan. Ha ha ha Spawn! That's a funny word SPAWN. SPAWN SPAWN

Mrs Meng comes back into the room looking flustered.

Meng:
I forgot my tea trolley again. I'd forget my own leg if it wasn't attached (looks down - she is missing a leg) Oh butter and jam it, where's that got to now. (Notices her trolley is in disarray) Has someone been messing with my macaroons?

Nick:
Chance would be a fine thing wouldn't it love?

Meng:
(To Charon and Scratch who are both looking spaced out) You shouldn't have been eating those, you naughty perishers. Those are my macaroons of misdirection. You'll get yourselves all befuddled.

Charon:
(Delightedly) Befuddled! Befuddled!

Scratch:
Like a whirling dervish (starts spinning around until he gets to dizzy and flops back into his seat)

Nick:
Oh for hell's sake. Lay off those infernal cakes you two. We're supposed to be out looking for those two bleeding idiots

Scratch:
Oh bugger it, leave 'em to it

Nick:
The boss won't see it like that. What about you Charon. You really ought to be back at your post guiding people to the underworld.

Charon:
Shut up I'm having fun. I get bored sat at that desk all day. They'll be a couple of people sat around for a while but they can wait. They've got an eternity.

Nick:
You pair of dopes need to get a move on. I'm in charge of reclaiming the debts of souls and you two are meant to be helping me. So I suggest you help me. One of our guys in technical support knocked this bit of sophisticated equipment

(Hauls out something that looks like it would have been the 1960's idea of space age technology. A big orange box with a timeline on it, with a little red light that flashes above the year.)

Charon:
(Sarcastically) Oh wow! Impressive

Nick:
Oh shut up miss fussy-drawers. What's the matter with girls these days? This electronic marvel will pin point exactly where those two have gone. Without us needing the dubious skills of Mr. Scratch here.

Scratch:
(Disappointedly) oh, so you don't want me anymore?

Nick:
I didn't say that. I'm more than happy to keep you by my side. Just not too close is all

Scratch:
So where are they now then? only that little light is flashing about all over the place

Nick:
What? Oh cobblers! It's not working. Hang about that's it. They've gone out of the realm of recorded time that's all. They must have gone back to the dawn of mankind

Charon:
Ok let's go there then

Nick:
There's a slight problem with that though. You see if they go back to beyond the time when man had any concept of good and evil, and therefore gods and devils then we don't have any jurisdiction over them. In that time there isn't a hell to be able to take them to

Scratch:
Oh dear

Charon:
Oh well, not much we can do then.

Scratch:
I might as well bugger off back to my pit. Nice working with you.

Nick:
You're not going anywhere pal. Just because there's no hell yet doesn't mean we have to give up. We're just going to have to be a bit more creative that's all.

Charon:
Ooh, sounds exciting. I'm in! What should we do?

Scratch:
What we can do is (pulls Charon close to whisper in her ear - makes some unintelligible whispering sounds) ...and then we can... (More whispering)

Charon:
(Revolted) Ugh! That's disgusting! That's not a plan! You vile disgusting little perv. I thought you were going to tell me what we should do next about this.

Scratch:
Only making a suggestion, darling. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Nick:
Will you just behave yourself? The plans quite simple really. Those two have gone back to a time when people were rough, ready and stupid. Three of my favourite things about humanity. There is no heaven or hell because nobody knows if they're doing bad things or good things yet. The idea of gods and devils, punishment or reward hasn't even entered their thick heads yet. We go along, act like we're gods tell them if they act up they'll go to hell. They'll have no choice but to believe it and then bob's your uncle the afterlife is created.

Charon:
Meaning from that moment on hell is full of cavemen as well as everyone else?

Looks at Scratch, who is sat in a ape like hunched position picking something out of his own hair, examining it then eating it

Nick:
It'll be a bit of company for him won't it?

Charon:
Ok, cool beans! I'm in; I don't mind the idea of being thought of as a goddess. Ooh, but I'd better get changed first.

Nick:
Oh no, for pity's sake woman. You don't have to go off and change your flaming clothes every five minutes. You're lucky you're not my wife.

Charon:
I know. I feel very lucky I'm not your wife.

Nick:
Cheeky cow

Back with Todd, Matthew and the cavemen. Todd and Matt are sat on boulders which have been adorned with flowers, grasses, pelts and other things that cavemen mind find pretty.

Matthew:
Not so bad is it? Being worshipped as a god? Old Mattie-boy does it again.

Todd:
(Shifting uncomfortably on his rock) I think it would have been better in an age when they'd already invented the comfy chair.

Matthew:
(Looking at the hairy handmaidens fanning them) I wouldn't mind if they'd invented waxing, or the lady-shave. Tell you what, I'll be right back. (He presses the watch and vanishes)

Todd:
You'd better be coming back for me.

Matthew reappears with a trolley full of men and women's beauty products.

Matthew:
(Calls out) Ok everyone, who wants to look gorgeous?

Sometime later. Todd is sat on a rock trying to teach chess to a caveman who is trying to eat the pieces. Matthew emerges with one of the cavemen who has been shaved; his hair styled and generally smartened up.

Matthew:
Bit of an improvement huh? He looks better than you do and he's just a strategically shaved Neanderthal. But wait until you see this.

Matthew goes back into the cave and returns with a Raquel Welch style cavewoman. Todd is just staring dumb-struck

Matthew:
And God created woman. Stop staring at the poor girl Todd, you'll creep her out.

Todd:
So, if this was the Flintstones, you'd be "Rock" Wan I suppose.

Matthew looks unimpressed

Todd:
Do you get it? The Flintstones always put rock in the name, so instead of Gok, it would be...Oh forget it

In the distance, Scratch, Nick and Charon have materialised. Charon is now dressed in the style of a Grecian goddess with a few modern accessories.

Charon:
Huh! And you said it wouldn't matter what I wore. All the women are primitive and hairy you said. Well look at her!

Nick:
Believe me, I am looking. The lads have done well. This also makes our job a little easier. Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws, and we're going to help them break those laws. If they've decided to play God and have just created Adam and Eve, Creation myths need a Devil. All we have to do is put a little temptation their way and start the ball rolling. First we need a snake. Scratch, I think you'll do for this bit. Lie on your belly and slither about a bit.

Scratch follows these instructions

Nick:
That's good, wiggle about some more and have a bit of a hiss

Scratch:
I've already been

Nick:
No, not a ..... I said hiss! Hiss! (Makes a hissing sound)

Scratch
Hisssssss! Hisssssssssssss!

Nick:
Very good! Very convincing! It'll have to do anyhow. Fortunately, these people are very stupid.

Charon:
Where do I come into it?

Nick:
I would have cast you as Eve, but let's face it they've got a much better one there already

Charon:
(Clearly annoyed by this) I don't see what's so special about her.

Nick:
We've got a lot of sins to get through. I need you to set a bad example.

Cave-Eve is stood looking with curiosity and trepidation at one of Matthew's shopping trolleys full of present day goodies. Scratch approaches slithering along awkwardly on his belly

Scratch:
Hiss, hiss. Alright darling?

Eve:
Ug?

Scratch:
'Ere love, pass us that thing off the trolley. (He tries to indicate with head movements)

Eve randomly points at things and selects an apple iPod.

Scratch:
Yeah, that'll do. You help yourself to that girl. I won't tell the gods, I promise. Now run off and show it to that bloke over there.

Eve runs away to the groomed caveman.

Scratch:
Job done, that's me sorted (starts to stand up again)

Nick:
(VO) Stay in character!

Scratch tries to wriggle away again hissing

Nick and Charon are handing out items to the cavemen. First they hand out some copies of men only

Nick:
There's lust

They now hand out varies take-aways

Charon:
Gluttony. Here you go, num-nums! Nom, Nom, Nom!

Then they distribute snuggies, beanbags

Charon:
Sloth

Nick throws about some money and shiny gem stones

Nick:
Bit of avarice thrown in. (He hands Charon a mirror) Now you go show them what vanities all about. You'll be good at that

Charon:
Vanity is my favourite sin. (She takes the mirror to an attractive groomed cave-girl but is too distracted by her own reflection. The cave-girl tries to push in and preen herself; Charon is annoyed and snatches the mirror away. The cave-girl becomes annoyed and snatches it away. Charon and the girl start fighting)

Nick:
Envy and anger. Good work sweetheart. Now knock that off.

They keep having a cat fight.

Nick:
Oh alright, carry on then

Matthew and Todd are back in the cave. Todd is looking anxiously out of the cave entrance.

Todd:
I have to say, I'm not comfortable with this. Look at them they've run amuck with all the stuff we brought back here. It's not a good idea. These were simple happy people. There's no pollution just good clean air, most diseases haven't come along yet. Countries aren't at war because they haven't discovered each other and we come along and give them religion. We've just started all the trouble and much too early at that.

Matthew:
I didn't give them all that stuff. They must have stolen it. That's hardly showing much reverence to the gods is it? I think we could do with some commandments. Pass me that flipchart thing.

Todd:
I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. What about the butterfly effect?

Matthew:
The first movie with Ashton Kutcher was alright. The sequels were terrible though.

Todd:
Not the films. The theory. That if you alter something small in the past it will have major repercussions in the future. The fluttering of a butterfly's wings could cause a hurricane.

Matthew:
No it couldn't

Todd:
Or if you step on a butterfly you could wipe out a whole species

Matthew:
I haven't been stepping on butterflies. Have you?

Todd:
It's an example. We have introduced the joys and perils of a modern world to these people before they've even invented language. So now what's the future going to be like?

Matthew:
We might be hugely advanced

Todd:
Perhaps too advanced. We might be like the cavemen to them. Or it could be like in HG Wells where the world is divided into above and below ground, with eloi and ...

Matthew:
I think I know what you're saying

Todd:
...Morlocks.

Matthew:
No I do understand.

Todd:
Morlocks were horrible creatures who lived underground. They ate the young and beautiful Eloi like cattle

Matthew:
They'll eat ME then. YOU can probably fit in with the underground uglies. Maybe we'd better stay here then. We'll get them to build a decent house. Write up some laws. (Writes on the flipchart with a marker pen) I love the smell of these things don't you? Ok bring this out the front. (Writes) Thou shalt not steal.

Todd takes the flip chart with just this one commandment out. He then goes around with a trolley collecting back the modern day items the cavemen now possess. They are reluctant to return these items and he has to wrestle them off them.

He wheels off to somewhere away from the tribe. He begins to dig.

Todd:
Right let's get these out of everyone's reach. Wait until the archaeologists find this lot. It'll blow Tony Robinson's mind.

Nick, Charon and Scratch are now creating an enormous religious mural on the outside of a cave. This depicts good people going to heaven surrounded by clouds, kittens, puppies, angels, flowers and all things lovely and bad people going to a fiery hell. Charon is painting herself as flatteringly as possible. Scratch is just painting crude school desk style graffiti, including "I woz ere, yes I woz, woz I ere, yes I woz" and "Charon takes it up the wrong un - if destroyed true" Charon sees this and paints over it.

Scratch;
Eh? That makes it true now that does.

Scratch makes a little sign to put next to the mural saying "WET PAINT"

Nick;
That'll do. Now we've just got to get them to look at it. (Calls out) Oy, you lot, take a butchers at this.

The cavemen look at the mural. A rumbling sound begins and the earth shakes.

Nick:
Ladies and gentlemen. You've just created the beginnings of hell. Be seeing some of you there, no doubt.

Charon:
I'm bored now, can we go? I need to take a bubble bath and drink a Zinfandel

This one needs more work than the last one: some of the scenes drag on a bit which stops the story moving forward and makes it feel disjointed, and the jokes are uneven in quality.

Plenty of room for improvement here though as the underlying plot idea is good and the best lines are very funny: "do I get a phone call" and "It'll blow Tony Robinson's mind"

Suggestions:

- start with Todd and Matt where the previous episode ended, ending on a dramatic knocking on the door. Then CUT TO Scratch knocking on a door, and immediately ruin the dramatic music by slinking into Nick's Office for the beginning of your original opening scene
the underworld segment can be a lot shorter, and probably funnier if the reason they're waiting for Charon is she's already trying on th Grim Reapers' clothing
- Then cut back to Todd and Matt being sent to school
- Show us drunken, adult-minded Matt chatting up a teenage Sophie. Probably funnier than drawn-out Facebook jokes (although "we should invent Facebook" and lots of other stuff might actually be pretty good as an episode plot
- More anger/fear. They're drunk, they're at school, they've lost the watch, and they have denizens of hell possibly chasing them
- The denizens of hell should be better at chasing them... maybe the school has a sinister, scratching caretaker stalking them. Scratch surrounded by naked Edwardian men would be funny too...
- Save the "I've forgotten how primitive 1993 was" bit for just before they go back to caveman times...
- Shorten the banter between the denizens of hell

To impress potential producers with your final draft script you'll also want it in something closer to screenwriting format (see www.screenwriting.info)