Since this was originally posted I have made changes to the 'blurb' and so the subsequent comments in the posts below might not make any sense

Thanks again to all those that have provided helpful tips on what does and doesn't work

Not meaning to sound rude, bu this is the final edit, so although I appreciate feedback, I can't change it again (for now)

Thanks

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Slept-comical-London-commuter-ebook/dp/B00AN7CGL6/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1355416492&sr=1-1

Good luck but are you sure that's the best quote for the title page?

Clunky?

Yeh and people have 21st birthday parties so also a little confusing

Yeah, a bit clunky. You mention commuter twice in the summary and you also tell us you end up writing a book. We know you end up writing a book.

Its not exactly the usual suspects

aha, I see.

I had never thought that that the excerpt might be confusing, because it is taken from a chapter where it is talking about both 18 and 21st parties.

The "I think it's right to have a party when you are 21" is re-affirming the point that 21st birthday's are worthwhile.... I then go on to state that people should also celebrate their 22nd and go on to explain why.

There is a whole chapter that puts the quote into context, but taken out of context, I agree, it might seem weird... like I am stating the obvious

I think I will remove the excerpt and think of something else

Thanks sootyj

Quote: sootyj @ December 13 2012, 6:15 PM GMT

Its not exactly the usual suspects

View original

Not exactly sure what you mean

No twist cliff hanger ending

Quote: Badge @ December 13 2012, 6:13 PM GMT

Yeah, a bit clunky. You mention commuter twice in the summary and you also tell us you end up writing a book. We know you end up writing a book.

View original

I'm all for receiving and responding to critique and in my last post you can see that I'm keen and willing to act upon it (anyone that doesn't is stupid)

I'm not sure what else I could do to summarise the book. It's not a work of fiction, I can't dress it up as some amazing peice of literature. I even state in the book that this isn't exactly the works of chaucer. In terms of the description, I thought I would keep it simple and say what it is.

Firstly I describe what it is (autobiographical tale) what I am (a commuter) why I wrote it (infuriated by other snoozing commuters) and what I did about it (wrote a book)

Quote: sootyj @ December 13 2012, 6:20 PM GMT

No twist cliff hanger ending

View original

You'd have to read it to find out

First post and by no means a professional opinion!

I don't like the word 'comical' in brackets. Just sounds a bit weak. I'd be more likely to buy if comedy was implied by a suggestion of grim forebearance. Something like that, anyway.

A book title I really liked was 'Notes From The Hard Shoulder', By James May. Never got around to buying the book, but having owned a couple of 1970s cars, I just thought that it was spot on, either as a title or subheading.

I think that the excerpt is a bit too long. I think it should be snappier and contain some kind of reference to tube travel and a commonly experienced moment of angst or discomfort that, as far as you are aware, has not been remarked upon, previously. I would bet that the book has plenty of short lines like that.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, just offering advice. Your opening blurb is basically your ad space, and I think you would make better use of that space by rephrasing it so that you don't repeat a word and you don't waste time telling your potential audience what they already know - i.e. it's a book. Best of luck with it though!

Quote: HamOnRye @ December 13 2012, 6:36 PM GMT

First post and by no means a professional opinion!

I don't like the word 'comical' in brackets. Just sounds a bit weak. I'd be more likely to buy if comedy was implied by a suggestion of grim forebearance. Something like that, anyway.

A book title I really liked was 'Notes From The Hard Shoulder', By James May. Never got around to buying the book, but having owned a couple of 1970s cars, I just thought that it was spot on, either as a title or subheading.

I think that the excerpt is a bit too long. I think it should be snappier and contain some kind of reference to tube travel and a commonly experienced moment of angst or discomfort that, as far as you are aware, has not been remarked upon, previously. I would bet that the book has plenty of short lines like that.

View original

Thanks HamOnRye

I spent a long time wondering about whether to have a subheading or not, and if so, what it should say. I have no control over the brackets, but I get that the fact that the word features in there doesn't sit right with you. James May is a respected (in some quarters) TV presenter and so people know what he is about, so he could subtitle his book with anything and people would kind of know what they were going to get.

I am a nobody and will likely remain one, so I decided I needed to let people know what it was. Comical might be a bad choice of word, but it's part of the title now I am afraid

I am definitely taking everything on board, so thanks for all of the comments. There are so many people with so many opinions, it is always difficult to keep everyone happy. I ended up taking my editors advice on pretty much everything, as that is what he is paid to do, I'll make sure he reads this thread though, as I want a discount

Quote: Badge @ December 13 2012, 6:47 PM GMT

Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, just offering advice. Your opening blurb is basically your ad space, and I think you would make better use of that space by rephrasing it so that you don't repeat a word and you don't waste time telling your potential audience what they already know - i.e. it's a book. Best of luck with it though!

View original

Understood Badge, you were not being rude at all. Regards wasting time telling people what they already know, the quote is the same quote that is on all of the marketing material, which was of course produced to introduce a book to those that were not necessarily searching for one. I wanted to keep it consistant but hadn't thought about it from your perspective

Perhaps I should re-phrase the description on Kindle

Thanks

I guess you are right, in that there is unlikely to be much interest in you, yourself, as an unknown writer.

The excerpt does suggest the book will be more about the feelings we all get as our 20s become a speck in the wing-mirror and we begin to adopt the grumpy traits of the middle-aged, though.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that. If the tube journeys become a metaphor for how the author feels about his own life (eg. Not going where he really wants to go, not enjoying the trip much and feeling that he is wasting what little time he has, etc.), then that will come through in the book anyway.

The excerpt just sounds like something you would expect to hear at any London stand-up gig, to me, and I definitely think it should make a direct reference to something that happens on the tube that is funny and that people can relate to, straight away.

Your excerpt will confuse potential readers and I doubt if it will help drive sales.

Good luck with it, anyway!

Well done Minty for getting it down and getting it out there, one day I am going to write a book, that is what I keep telling myself anyway.

Good luck

Thanks guys, really appreciate your feedback.

I have completely re-written the description, removing the repetitive words and also the excerpt

The new version should be live by tomorrow, which is when I will do the press release, so thank you all once again.