AJGO and I would like to submit the following, we're also going to submit another batch tomorrow afternoon after the inevitable NJ knockback; so apologies to Sooty for the clutter

I know why The Sun didn't publish the topless pictures of Kate. They prefer a good cover-up

I'm a Man United fan, and our songs at Liverpool were completely innocent. Like with our anti-obesity ditty 'Who Ate All the Pies' or our pro-breast feeding appeal, 'Get Your Tits Out for the Lads'

I think the t-shirts celebrating the eventual death of Margaret Thatcher are absolutely disgusting. A tenner for plain cotton?

I am well shocked about those pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge; I swear that bikini's from primark

There's nothing unusual about children having three parents. The Prime Minister's kids have mummy, daddy, and the nice barman

Over 130 Mexican prisoners have escaped by digging a tunnel. Border guards are expecting a big hola

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he would rather take a GCSE or their new equivalent. He said "I'll EBacc"

Stem cells have been used to restore hearing in animals. This is great news for fans of Def Leppard

There are concerns over the loss of a radioactive rod; I really hope they find Russell Brand soon

A man has been arrested for smuggling a monkey in his underpants. I'm guessing he was the organ grinder

A panda's given birth after being artificially inseminated. Her partner was bamboozled

Health Minister Dan Poulter dismissed concerns about NHS overcrowding, saying that not all of the beds are in use. Getting confused between work and second home there, Dan

(Woman) Why is everyone so surprised to see JK Rowling do a non Harry Potter book? I always knew she had a few tricks up her sleeve.

Hi folks, here's a few
J

I just saw Chris Moyles play Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar. He's perfect for the role as he recently got rid of four million listeners to his Radio 1 breakfast show. #muppet

Fiona Bruce says going grey is taboo for female presenters of her age. But I bet she takes a peek at it on the Kindle whenever she has the place to herself. #mummyporn

(Public school accent
When I heard Andrew Mitchell say he wished to draw a line under Gate-Gate it didn't half make me shudder. You see I was at Rugby at the same time as the Chief Whip and in those days when Thrasher Mitchell stated his intention to draw a line, you simply bent over and assumed the position. #rosycheeks

This Pakistani government official who offered that hundred thousand dollar reward is the Minister for Railways. So does that mean his offer is open to absolutely anyone except Richard Branson? #noluckbeardy

(Woman
So as Strictly finally gets underway in earnest, Lisa Riley says she's dreading the lifts? I bet not half as much as the lifts are dreading her. #OtisMyGod

(Posh gent
I've complained to the council about all these crayfish that are nipping people in the mens' pond at Hampstead Heath. I've been down there skinny dipping after dark many times and I'm afraid I'm still awaiting my first nibble. #danglybits

er..re the above, the smileys were meant to be colons and close brackets, I wasn't trying to depict my mirth at my own gags.. #accidentalemoticons

J

Worried about flying an unadulterated terrorist, American airlines are investing in a massive 3000 mile zip line from the UK to the US so Abu Hamza can slide his way to extradition.

MI5 have alerted their American counterparts to treat Abu Hamza with extreme caution as he has been known to slip out of handcuffs.

nasa has spent several billion dollars sending a probe to mars to get some rock #anystreetcornerinnewyorkfortendollars

Just came up with this today:

Confusion rained this week when weather experts announced that the Extreme Deep Field was in fact the incredible 500 hour exposure photograph of our galaxy from the Hubble Space Telescope and not where the road used to be in Tadcaster, N Yorkshire.

I know it's not a one-liner but had fun playing with this also today:

A report today mentioning Holly Go Lightly & Moon River was in fact a reference to the sad passing of the late great Andy Williams. This should not be confused with the inflatable dinghy seen in Newcastle at midnight salvaging this year's Christmas decorations from flooded, ground floor apartments. When asked about the block of flats looking ready to collapse, local man Rusty Trawler commented, 'I had na idea aboot the flood? Nahh, I was at our Tiffany's having a full English.

Ok . . just trying some idea, that's all

As a regular 5-a-side footballer I'm delighted HMRC failed in its bid to make us pay VAT. Mind you our lads didn't have anything to worry about. #HarryRedknapp'sDogFC.

I'm not surprised Manchester Airport have decided to scrap their powerful new all-over body scanners. They're not much used to staff there because they can't see through Burberry. #madforit

Andrew Mitchell's use of the word 'plebs' indicates a deplorable snobbery-ridden mindset. Wouldn't it be great if he turned to be a second cousin of Grant, Phil and Samantha?

I was delighted to hear that medical practicioners have discouraged the use of garden trampolines, citing the injuries that can result. Since the family three doors down from us got one my wife and I have both had to be treated for perforated eardrums. #hurryupdarknightsplease

I see the US Gandhi's wooden flip-flops are up for sale for twenty thousand pounds. Sounds cheap at the price, after all the going rate for one of Mitt Romney's wooden flip flops is currently about ten million dollars. #comparetheflipflops.com

Woman-
"It's shocking to see that after all her charity work and public appearances, the Duchess of Cambridge still has her knockers"

French Man-
"I'd just like to say that your Duchess of Cambridge she is fantastique - well, 'fantastique' is a little strong- she has two good points"

"Scientists have been able to cure deafness in hamsters, causing the question 'Richard gear did WHAT?!' To be asked for the first time in many years"

Great news on Robbie Williams becoming a father, least the baby will drown out his singing #stickadummyinhismouth

Now that the summer is but a hazy blur, can we not mention the O word ever again? #SoovertheOlympics

(ditzy woman/man) Well I for one am sick of hearing about party conferences, why can't they use another type of pear, like comice or those nice red ones.

on tuesday spanish police used rubber bullets to disperse angry protestors.
whilst 10cc said they were appalled by this they did welcome the royalties.

teachers? hypocrites! parents get fined if they take pupils out of school during term time, but it's ok for them to do it. #runforrestrun

As a badger lover myself I was dismayed to hear the campaign against the cull may have become infiltrated by extremists. If the meerkats get involved the whole cause is doomed.

So TV historian Mary Beard says being called 'ugly' by critics felt like being punched. I'd have thought the description 'TV historian' would have been much more hurtful than that. #beardedlady

I can't take Mark Kermode seriously anymore. I used to think he was passionate about film, but when do you ever see him burn down an embassy just because he dislikes a movie? Come on Mark, show some commitment! #iffyquiffy

This new bus service that's planned between Birmingham and Mirpur sounds a bit dodgy. It passes through Iran then Pakistan's disputed Afghan tribal borders, before finally reaching war torn Kashmir. Mind you I bet it's still safer than the 381 night bus to Peckham. #OmegaMan

Quite a few (as these forums concatenate posts) so I'll split them in sections by age and NJ
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------------ First some from last weeks NJ (some reworked) ---------------
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(Pirate voice) So a report shows Mancunians top illegal downloads are Pieces of 80s pop - Flock o' Seagulls, Simply Redbeard and JimLad - James to landlubbers #GarrrrPirateMusic
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I can't believe it's taken so long to find Richard III's remains when writings from 1612 said exactly where they were; underneath a Leicester car park.
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As a customs officer I don't like plans to scrap Manchester Airport's body scanners. Now if I want to see pictures of unsuspecting holidaymakers naked I'll have to look at French magazines like everyone else.
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British nature experts recording the four seasons are appealing for 'more citizen recorders'. Don't they mean violins, and not recorders. #ClassicVivaldi
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I'm worried by these new gravestones with barcodes on them. I've enough trouble at the supermarket - I'll never cope with a self service funeral #UnexpectedItemInBodyBagArea
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(Farmer) I wish townies would stop interfering in plans to curb Bovine TB on Kirrin Island - saying it ain't simply black and white. Shows 'ow much they's know 'bout badgers.
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I knew the broadsheets wouldn't publish improper photos of any royal, but I was still worried about seeing the redtops - it's so easy to get sunburnt when topless.
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------------ From previous weeks news (but non-NJ) ---------------
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I'm not too concerned that we may be heading to the UK's first General Strike since 1926. But I'll worry if they're joined by Admirals and Air Chief Marshals.
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------------ New today (Non-NJ) ---------------
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I was surprised that any Tory didn't know what Magna Carta meant, I thought they just didn't know what it stood for.
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The new UK land speed record for an electric car was retracted when it emerged that the driver of Nemesis was a 21yr old Estate Agent and the reported 151mph was actually a generous 70mph.
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Nemesis has set a UK land speed record for electric cars over a mile long course - which is where they ran out of power extension leads.
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Why spend a fortune on the Hubble telescope when there's cheaper ways to see how everything was 13.7 billion years ago #VisitClacton
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Instead of using the Hubble telescope, if I want to see ancient stars I just wait for the Autumn TV schedules #StrictlyBrucie
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Well never find Megan Stammer's teacher, Jeremy Forrest, if they're hiding in a wooded area #CantSeeTheForrestForTheTrees
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The head of Ofsted did say teachers must work longer hours for pay rises - Jeremy Forrest's just trying for promotion #UnofficialSchoolTrip
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It's quite clear that teacher Jeremy Forrest just got bored taking the register and wanted to be on one instead
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Couple more.. btw I particularly like both Andy H's & Judgement Dave's respective last ones about the teacher..

As an art lover I'm delighted Windsor Castle has acquired four mid-80s Andy Warhol pop art portraits entitled 'Reigning Queen'. But how mad will they be when they discover they all depict Quentin Crisp?

My friend invited me along on one of those Tweed Bike Runs. But I don't see the point in organising Edwardian-style rides when the whole country's already getting one off the government.

As one of the regulators who deemed BSkyB fit to hold a broadcast licence, let me say we took into account the Murdoch empire's notorious criminality, its moral bankruptcy and the incorrigible corruption at its core. However after watching Gok Wan's 'Baggage' on Channel 4 we decided they couldn't do any worse than that.

So a million Indians have taken part in a demo against the introduction of foreign supermarkets? The organisers must've been annoyed when they weren't allowed to take their petition to the Prime Minister's '999,999 demonstrators or less' gate.