Hi would like some feed back on a sit-com im working on, I know it needs tiding up
i have wrote the first episode and out lined the next 2 but don't want to waste my time if its not working would welcome your thoughts on the first few pages

Local radio b26
By cj Allen

Scene 1 in a office mark and dean on there computers

Mark. This girl offers a girl friend experience

Dean. You on that escort site again

Mark..ye but who hires escorts for a girl friend experience ,what
She gonna do ask you where you going what time you comin
Home cause a argument and refuse sex and by the way that’s
£200 quid

Dean.. not a bad deal a lot less than a real girlfriend

Katie enters the office

Katie. Dean what you know about the Stephen fry interview

Mark. Kenny wants someone to do the interview while he’s on
Holiday I said I would do it

Katie. Well I said I would do it as well so no decision has been made
Yet anyway aren’t you busy being a dickhead

Mark..arnt you busy telling lies

Dean. All I know is the interviews Thursday and Kenny will
Tell me who can do it tomorrow it’s a phone interview
And will be played next week

Bupina strolls in the office

Bupinda..who would wear jimmy choo shoes without
A matching hand bag, dean what time im doing the weather

Dean..in 10 minutes hurry please

In a radio studio

Stevie..what part of the body would you find the cornea (pronounced
Cor nee A)

Caller..emm don’t know

Stevie..right let me help you what’s in the middle of a dart
Board

Caller. The bull

Steve.. The bull what

Caller. The bull the bull the bull what oh the thing round the bull
The 25 bit errr like the areola on a ladies….

Stevie..no no its on your face

Caller.. Your mouth

Stevie..no higher

Caller. Your nose

Stevie..no higher still

Caller. Your fore head

Stevie..no no two things in-between your fore head and your nose
Quick your running out of time

Caller. Err your ears

Stevie..NO two other things

Caller. I don’t know you eyes

Stevie..yes your eyes

Caller..ohhhh you mean the cornea

Bupinda does news and weather

Back in office

Mark. Dean really could do with getting this interview behind
The scene stuff is is alright and all that but I want to get
On the radio that’s why I stared here I thought local radio
Would be a steeping stone but after five year getting a bit
Pissed off

Dean. I know mate look you already done some live stuff so
I will try to help you out but its out my hands im in a meeting
With Kenny tomorrow I will sound him out

Mark. Cheers mate[ Kate walks in] you alright any way Kate do you
Even know who Steven fry is

Kattie.err no I don’t who is he

Dean. Well some people think he’s the most intelligent man in the world

Mark. I thought that was Stephen hawkin but your right it’s a close call
I think the only way they could decide that is with a fight imagine
That in the pink corner six foot six weighing in at sixteen stone
Sporting a 10 pound brain world university challenge champion Stephen
Not small fry and in the blue corner confined to a wheel chair
Weighing in at 3 stone with a electronic brain revelling the mystery’s of
The universe stepen computerized talking halkins

Dean. Ding ding round one

Katie. Anyway Kenny just emailed me im doing the interview tomorrow
He wants you to set it up dean is that ok

Dean. Ye ok

Mark. You deserve it

Later that day marks producing the football phone in with beno

Beno. Still looking for a answer to today’s question a garden bird and
You predictions on today’s feature match scoreline Jason on line 1

Caller. Is it a thrush beno

Beno. No no no and the score line

Caller.2 1 the villa

Beno, pure gold you in the hat line two

Caller 2.is it a thrush

Beno. We just had that try again

Caller 2.err I don’t know

Beno. Try again any garden bird

Caller. don’t know many birds just thought thrush

Beno. Ok don’t worry a score for tonight’s match

Caller 2. Er don’t really like football

Beno. Buts this is a football phone in

Caller 2. Just like the competition beno

Benno.;lets go over to the news and weather with the lovely
BUPA

Bupina does news a weather

Mark..his quiz question are stupid there’s no real answer
Just the one in his head if they guess right he can just
Change the answer(mark holds 4 fingers up behind his
Back) how many fingers am I holding up

Bupinda.four

Mark.no 1

Bupinda.isn’t kattie doing that interview thing at 1

Mark.ye I think so or as beno would say no no no 8

Next day in the office

mark on phone to t mobile

Tmobile..your through to t mobile my names Wayne how may I
Help you today

Mark..hello ye im looking at upgrading my phone

Tmobile..no problem let me just access your account I need to
Ask you some security questions ok

Mark..ok

Tmobile..ok so what’s your favourite colour

Mark.. Well err I haven’t re3ally got one

Tmobile.. Well sir that’s you security question

Mark..well I haven’t got a favourite colour I like lots of colours
Except blue im not a fan

Tmobile..well we can change the question to what’s your mothers
Maiden name

Mark..green

Tmobile..that’s your favourite colour

Mark//no that my mothers maiden name

No offence meant but your spelling and grammar are f**king appalling. No one is going to take your writing seriously unless you address this. As for the script itself, it was shite in my opinion. Sorry

thanks for your comments I did say it needs tidying up and hoped for more constructive feed back from critique

Sigh, unless you get your grammar & spelling sorted out, no producer is ever going to read past the first paragraph of your script.

I suspect that you have not done enough book reading in your life. Reading proper books that have been subjected to proper proofreading, usually have correct grammar and spelling and by reading you absorb that into your own brain.

Start by reading at least 3 books a week. It doesn't matter too much what they are, Detective stories, Classic fiction, books on script-writing etc, whatever, as long as they are not picture comics, borrow them from the library, nearest you.

In addition track down some film or sitcom scripts, on the Internet or in Oxfam bookshops etc and read at least one of those per week. Published scripts will not only show you what is good, but will also show you what the format of a script should be.

For example you must clear up your understanding and spelling of "there", "their" and "they're" for a start. At present you are just writing down the sound of the word.

Unless you are prepared to put in some real effort on this, you might as well forget it.

By the way, try to NEVER present material that "needs tidying up". If you can't be bothered to present your best efforts, why should anyone be bothered to help you.

Quote: billwill @ August 19 2012, 12:03 AM BST

Sigh, unless you get your grammar & spelling sorted out, no producer is ever going to read past the first paragraph of your script.

View original

Quote: billwill @ August 19 2012, 12:03 AM BST

Bye the way,

View original

*shakes head*

It needs more than tidying up, you need to go back to school and learn about the English language and grammar. At least use a spell checker. What do you expect from a thread named 'critique'?

As I said previously this is only my opinion.

Quote: Ben @ August 19 2012, 12:06 AM BST

*shakes head*

View original

ooops... well even the mighty sometimes fall.

Corrected so as to avoid leading Clifford into bad ways.

Was I a bit harsh? I look after Apprentices in my job and essays containing such grammatical errors and spelling mistakes give me torsion of the testes.....

point taken bill ,i am more than aware of my short falls the grammar is very sloppy but I do enjoy reading.thanks anyway

Quote: Nicky Liar @ August 19 2012, 12:09 AM BST

It needs more than tidying up, you need to go back to school and learn about the English language and grammar. At least use a spell checker. What do you expect from a thread named 'critique'?

As I said previously this is only my opinion.

View original

maybe your confusing the word critique with critic

I am a critic of your spelling and grammar due to having a value judgement based on your lack of ability in these disciplines. However, my critique of your effort is based on the fact that it was subjectively unfunny, not least because it was difficult to read and showed lack of effort grammatically, but it was annoyingly shite.

you seem to have a problem with it nicky maybe you don't understand it,you should open your mind

Clifford, I'm happy to say I don't understand it. As I said it's a subjective critique so I wouldn't worry about it unless you get loads of people who think it's not very good.

From the feedback you've got you must admit that it needs some work.

You are lucky that you have had so much feedback, my first posting gleaned f**k all!

nicky your right its all over the place ,i think theres some ideas there but there all in my mind and ive not put them across like a writer because im not a writer,ive enjoyed your feed back so thanks for that

How about you send me a script and I proof read it for you?

Quote: Nicky Liar @ August 19 2012, 2:07 AM BST

How about you send me a script and I proof read it for you?

View original

ok nicky I would like that, might be a hard read though