Next attempt at a Paradise sketch for Greenbelt.

Last Orders 2012

Saving Paradise - Special Report

Greenbelt or Last Orders 2012 ident.
CAPTION: SAVING PARADISE - SPECIAL REPORT!
Fade in to DAN standing somewhere fairly Paradisey - e.g. nice backshot at Kew Gardens. He has a half-eaten Bounty bar in his hand.

DANaradise. Earthbound place of outstanding beauty, afterlife abode for good souls or instantly forgettable dirge from the latest Coldplay album?

Camera pans as DAN starts walking, talking as he does so and gesticulating wildly like an over-the-top David Starkey or Andrew Marr.

DAN:To the ancient Persians pairidaeza was a counterpoint to the miseries of human existence. In Judaism pardes referred to a perfect earthly setting. To the French Paradis is a blonde singer who married Johnny Depp.

Both DAN and the camera stop. DAN talks straight into the camera.

DAN:I'm Dan Slab, come with me as I investigate Paradise.

GRAMS:Amen Corner - (If Paradise is) Half as Nice.
Camera stays still but DAN continues walking and gesticulating wildly, even though he has finished talking. He takes a bite of his Bounty bar just before going out of shot.
Fade out and into DAN sitting talking to someone in a lab coat. DAN is holding another Bounty bar.
CAPTIONrofessor Tina Perculier - Paradisologist

DANo what is Paradise?

PROF:Many people think of Paradise as the afterlife but as a great philosopher once said, "Ooh. Heaven is a place on Earth."

DANo human ideas of Paradise have more Earthly roots?

PROF:Exactly. For many cultures, Paradise is an idealised version of life on Earth - the Greeks with their Elysian Fields, The Vikings and Valhalla, OPM thinking that Heaven is a half-pipe.

DANoes that mean that Paradise might be a real place?

PROF:Well, ideas of Paradise are often based on real but distant places or some sort of perfect state of existence that has been lost but can hopefully be reclaimed.

DAN:Like the Garden of Eden?

PROF:Exactly.

DANr that planet at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

PROF:Erm...if you like.

DANo is there a modern equivalent?

DAN takes a bite of the Bounty bar.

PROF:That's the strange thing. As a culture, we seem to be losing the idea of Paradise. There's no semi-mythical place out there which we view as 'Paradise'.

DANMUFFLED BY MOUTHFUL OF CHOCOLATE) What about Center Parcs?

PROF:Erm...

GRAMS:Belinda Carlise - Heaven is a Place on Earth.
Fade out and into DAVID McSMITH standing in some urban area - one of those shots where the person is standing still and the cars and things in the background are sped up.
CAPTIONavid McSmith - Urban Paradise Hunter
Cut to DAN talking to McSMITH.

DANo David, you hunt for little bits of Paradise in inner cities?

DAVID:Yes.

DANPAUSE) Care to elaborate?

DAVIDSHRUGS) Yeah, I s'pose. As cities have encroached on the countryside, small populations of Paradise have managed to scratch out a meagre existence within them. Much like urban foxes or Bill Oddie.

DAN:And you seek out these bits of urban Paradise to catalogue their movements and habits.

DAVID:That's correct. The most surprising thing I've found out is that urban Paradise is largely nocturnal.

Immediate cut to night time shot - DAN and DAVID crouching down at the end of an alley or somewhere, being stealthy. DAVID gestures to DAN to stop. He points up the alleyway.

DAVIDhhh! See there. There's an urban Paradise.

DAN:Where?

DAVIDver there, going through the rubbish.

The camera zooms slightly to show a couple of bin bags rustling and moving about. The movement stops abruptly.

DAVID:We spooked it. Let's try somewhere else.

Cut to DAN and DAVID somewhere else. A park or something similar.

DAVID:There's another one.

He points. Camera zooms in as far as it can go, blurred, shaky, completely indistinct picture.

DAN:What's that?

DAVIDh no! I think a fox has got it! Shoo!

Camera pulls back out as DAVID goes running across the park with DAN close behind, camera follows, handheld style, shaking all over the place, like when Donal Macintyre or Roger Cook confront someone and have to chase them. Camera catches up with them. DAN is standing next to DAVID, who is on his knees examining something. Camera closes in on a small lump of dirt with a broken flower in it.

DAVIDamn, I hate it when this happens.

DAN:Is there nothing that can be done?

DAVID shakes his head sadly, then spots something. He reaches down and picks up a small metal or plastic ring. He shows it to DAN.

DAVID:This is a Paradise I tagged two weeks ago. It was only a baby really.

DAVID raises his fists to the sky and screams:

DAVID:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DAN rolls his eyes and takes a bite of a Bounty bar.

DANTO CAMERA) Come on; let's go talk to someone a bit less weird.

GRAMS:Guns N' Roses - Paradise City.
Fade out then back in to DAN, back at Kew Gardens or wherever, walking and gesticulating while eating a Bounty bar.

DAN:Unfortunately it was impossible to find anybody less weird who was willing to talk to us about Paradise. My investigation led me, as they so often do, to the dark underbelly of the internet. It was there that I discovered the world of Paradise conspiracy theorists.

As he walks out of shot, taking another bite of his Bounty we hear his aside to the cameraman.

DAN:I don't know why talking about Paradise is making me crave Bounties at the moment.

Cut to a darkened room. The face of the person DAN is talking to is in shadow so cannot be seen clearly but he/she is obviously wearing a tinfoil hat. Their voice is distorted to disguise it.
CAPTION:A.N. Utter (fake name)

NUTTER:It's the Illuminati. They're destroying Paradise to bring about a new world order under direction of the royal family who are actually alien space lizards in disguise. It's all surprisingly obvious when you think about it.

DANVOICE ALSO DISTORTED) Why would the Illuminati be trying to eradicate Paradise? (BEAT) Wait, why is my voice distorted? I'm not the one trying to hide my identity. (BEAT) (NORMAL VOICE) Testing...1...2... That's better. Why would the Illuminati want to eradicate Paradise?

NUTTERLOOKS AGITATED) You know about the Illuminati? (GASP) You're one of them! I'm out of here before you try to probe my brain.

NUTTER gets up and sprints away. Dan sighs and takes a bite of his Bounty bar.
Cut back to DAN at Kew Gardens or wherever, walking and gesticulating again.

DANo there we have it. The concept of Paradise is an elusive one and even the so-called "experts" seem unable to agree on what exactly it is.

GRAMS UNDER:Coolio - Gangsta's Paradise

DANerhaps more of us should be trying to conserve Paradise, like David McSmith, or perhaps the Illuminati know something we don't and we should all be helping to destroy Paradise wherever we find it. Either way, one thing is for sure - if things continue the way they are Paradise will soon vanish forever. (BEAT) You know, unless of course it does turn out to be the afterlife.

DAN stops and looks into camera.

DAN:I'm Dan Slab. Join me next time at last year's Greenbelt Festival, where I'll be investigating time travel.

DAN strolls off, dropping his Bounty wrapper on the floor.
Fade out.
Greenbelt or Last Orders 2012 ident.