SCENE INT. FROZEN MAN (KARL) WALKS INTO A PHONE SHOP. HE APPOACHES A SALES ASSISTANT.

KARL IS DRESSED IN CLOTHES FROM THE 50’S HE LOOKS VERY OUT OF PLACE.

KARL – Hello there young man, I was wondering if you could help me. This object in my pocket (takes it out of his pocket) has been vibrating for a while now and it’s becoming quite an annoyance.

MANAGER – Ok… that’s a mobile phone mate.

KARL – What the devil is a mobile phone!

MANAGER – Where have you been? You make calls with it and send stuff to people through bluetooth.

KARL – Ah well I’ve been frozen for the past 50 years you see and I’m trying to re- enter society.

MANAGER – Sure you have mate. Err just turn it off or sell if it’s scaring you. But if you want my advice I would keep it, it’s a good phone and you can download X factor clips off it.

KARL – (PAUSE) Neh X factors shit.

KARL LEAVES SHOP.

END.

Sorry but I would like some feedback so I'm bumping this a bit. I feel terrible!

Hi Paul - don't feel bad!
I read this earlier and to be honest wasn't sure if i liked it or not - I see where you are coming from with the joke and my facial muscles did manage to pull off a wee smirk at the end so can't be all bad. Not much help I know - I just feel it is missing something but can't quite put my finger on it. Not sure if it is the introductory description - ie 'Frozen Man' is moving...is he thawing out and dripping everywhere....probably not too important as the whole sketch is meant to be a bit silly anyway but an intro to a sketch is vital in my point of view to get me in quick. None of that probably makes any sense and I'm sure someon else will give you much greater wisdom than that and on how it could possible be improved / altered. I shall stop waffeling on now mate.... ;o)

P.S. Can't help but agree with the punchline though (Leona..marks out of 2? ..... I'd give her one).

Hi Paul

It wasn't my thing I'm afraid as I just don't think there's enough going on in it to make it funny.

It also confuses me inasmuch as the MC's been frozen for fifty years and as such doesn’t know what a mobile is. Fair enough; but how then does he know about X Factor?

First rule of comedy Spike; you gotta be believable. IMO you need to re-work this and put something else into it.

Hope this helps and I wouldn't worry about bumping it.

Would the sketch work better if, given that although Karl shouldn't actually have a phone, he nevertheless goes into the shop trying to work out what's happening to him. The shop is purely a random choice. Here the salesman tries to sell him a phone but it's apparent that he is wasting his time and appearing still none the wiser, Karl leaves the shop. However, the moment Karl is out of the shop he mutters to himself "Neh X factors shit", shrugs and walks away.

OK, so Karl has been frozen for 50 years but even he knows X Factor is shit. I felt that was a decent tag. However, and judging by the reaction so far, the question has to be asked if the audience is prepared to suspend belief or not. But even as you have written it, I think the irony makes this sketch work.

Blekinsop, thats the joke he doesnt know what a mobile is but he knows enough to not like the X factor.

and this sketch actually won a competition (I think I got a DVD), I was just curious about what you guys thought of it.

Yeah defo has range to be reworked, but since I came first I assumed it wasn't that bad so pushed it to the back of the "draw" as it were.

I'm intending to make it into like a series of sketches, like Karl meets a German person... with hilarious consequences!

Hi Paul

I must have my dim head on today because now Baumski has explained the tag I get it.

I'm just curious to know why it didn't leap out at me on first read and I agree that it is a fairly decent tag too. Maybe it was the other dialogue in the sketch that threw me.

But I suppose that we don't all get the same jokes as readily.

However now I feel like the Alice character in the Vicar of Dibley

If you were a stand up then you could pick on me mercilessly now. I would be terrified to go to the loo.

ergh I just read that back "this sketch actually won a competition" I didn't mean to sound pompous, I was just saying.

And you can't be as bad as Alice you can spell Alice for a start.

Not really feeling this sketch to be honest, I just think that X Factor is a weak target. I like the premise of the joke but not the content.

I hate myself for liking X factor. Can't seem to turn it off.

Quote: steve by any other name @ February 9, 2007, 4:23 PM

I hate myself for liking X factor. Can't seem to turn it off.

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I nearly reported this post.