I was being sarcastic but think about this. What do you get when you swap the g and n in ginger? Thats right gingers are the white man's gigners.
This story vs dialogue thing is just a stylistic issue. Story can work really well as comedy such as the Fast Show's Ted and Ralph sketch however in sitcoms like Friends you had the same stories every episode which were either; i'm single and need a partner, i have a partner but wnat to dump them or i'm in a relationship and we're arguing over something very trivial.
Personally i don't care about rich people being rich and having problems. If your going to have a story it should be because it makes the sitcom funnier not because its an easy method of recycling old material. Did noone learn the lesson from Ricky Gervais's Extras or are you just having a laugh.

I'm sad that Swery got here first (the other day I couldn't work out the "quote function" - fact was, I felt the same disagreement earlier re the idea that sitcoms should be "funny" first.)

Funny is easy. Funny is average. Every bloke you've met in a pub has a "funny" story. Jokes, gags - ten a penny. Think about it it. What are the best sitcoms? What are the best sitcom moments? Do they usually involve clever one-liners? Or are they more about the reaction of well-defined characters to certain situations?

Sorry to be an arse, but sitcom *is not* about the "com". Nor the "sit", directly. There is nothing funnier than a wound-up Fawlty reacting badly to events conspiring against him. No lines. No jokes. No gags. Great sitcom.

Well, as the others have said, there are some polishes to be made (although I didn't pick up on anything of a "gay vibe" in the slightest), but just based on what you've shown us, I'd buy the DVD.

If you haven't seen it, get yourself a copy of Yellowbeard. 1983 film, written by and starring Graham Chapman. Classic.

When I started to read it, the mental image of the two 'interviewer' pirates was funny. Then the thought that Smidgeon was going to be completely useless was funny. Then it just became Pythonesque dialogue which didn't appear to be leading anywhere. There was no 'grab' to make you wonder if you should care about Smidgeon, eg he was being recruited as a (gimp) cabin boy, or he was a girl in disguise. Or he was a Customs man. Or he was outrageously obviously unsuited to the pirate life, eg he was blind or a raging queen. No hook.

<in sitcoms like Friends you had the same stories every episode> I'm no Friends fan but this is a generalisation too far.

Justin. Looking back, I can see what you mean mate. It's like it's a false start with no climax. But then again, does everything have to have a punchline? I know this is a ridiculous argument, but does life have a punchline? Obviously the purpose of a sitcom is to make people laugh and that, but is it really necessary for the same old formluas in humour? I really want to challenge everyones ideas for this cliched sitcom that everyone seems to adore (as you may have noticed in my reply to sweryteytysty earlier in this post).

Re: real life having no punchline - Spike Milligan's tombstone.

Seriously the nearest dramatic form to real life are soaps but even these are select moments of drama served up in bite-size pieces from otherwise long periods of tedium in a character's life. No one is going to watch Jack Sugden shear 500 sheep one after the other but they will watch him take a shotgun in the chest. In an odd way the tedium of reality has no place in dramatic form, whether unreal (fairy tale) or realistic (soap).

[I'm not implying your piece is tedious or unfunny, far from it. I'm developing a point re: punchlines, resolution in real life, and plot - i hope!]

The writer's task / skill is to select the choice bits for the viewer.

Same for comedy. The writer's task is to select the funny moments in a story. People remember the Basil the Rat Fawlty Towers episode for the chaotic climax and quick get-out, not the 10 minutes of unfunny fade-out that would undoubtedly have followed in real life as polly and Sybil tried to smooth things over with the guests. The story leading up to the final climax makes it funnier than if it was shown as a stand-alone sketch because you 'know' it's going to go pear-shaped, you know the rat is loose but Basil doesn't, you know the loose ends are going to be tied and make sense.

If a comedy scene meanders to an end long after the funny line has been delivered then you've missed the point of all drama constructs from time immemorial. You don't read a fairy tale that details Snow White's day-to-day life with the prince, it gets out straight after the climax with "and they all lived happily ever after". No messing around.

Same with comedy, deliver the payload and get out as fast as you can. It's the old show biz maxim "Leave 'em laughing". I normally don't add action after the punchline because people expect a new joke is coming and they stop laughing to catch the next gag. If it doesn't arrive they are disappointed. Not all sitcom scenes end in punchlines, especially if you're trying to develop empathy for a character but I think generally punchline and / or resolution then out asap.

If a show or film leaves you with more questions than answers you'll feel cheated. In real life our lives often end with no resolution, true, but we don't watch films / soaps / sitcoms for 'reality' we watch for entertainment. Look at your favourite shows, they observe (with few exceptions) the dramatic rules of plot derived from conflict and resolution, not because they are the best thing past writers could cobble together but because those conventions work.

Do new things with plots, put novel twists in, play with form, but neglect plot and you'll loose the attention of the viewer/ reader.

A stonking good submission with a lot of substance to it. Although Pinkbeard came over a bit like Tom Baker in Blackadder I reckon that that's no bad thing, as he doesn't have a monopoly on pirate captains. There's enough in your pirate that can distance Pinkbeard from Tom Baker. There were also, thankfully, a lot of good lines that didn't all come over as feeds to a stooge.

What I also liked was the feel, pace and strcture of the piece. It's funny without the shock factor or profanity to keep it afloat and I hope you're able to sustain that standard of writing throughout.

The only thing I wanted more of was something that was mentioned in an earlier post. I would like to see a bit more character description so I can easily differentiate between all the characters. I would hate for this wonderful idea to be discounted because of a lack of imagination by whoever gets to read this because let's face it, lack of imagination is the reason we have programmes like 'Blunder' and 'Jam and Jerusalem'.

I'm not going to offer half a dozen lines of copy of how I think you should write 'Here Be Pirates' as I reckon you've got more than enough from other more experienced scribes in the group to be going on with.

Excellent stuff.

Thank-you for your praise, Baumski. You're a credit to your sexuality and I am grateful. And Slagmeister, cheers also, for giving some kosher advice.
Pinned. Cos I'm that damn good.

Quote: swerytd @ December 18, 2006, 12:02 PM

Hehe -- that's exactly what I went through!

Off the subject but brought up above. I get confused by 'Two Pints...'. It's either a work of unspeakably great genius or utterly, utterly shash but I can't decide which. It is either one or the other but nowhere in between! I *did* like 'Grownups' though.

Dan

View original

I read your comments and just hoped I could help you out with your confusion about 'Two Pints...'. it's absolutely shit, just like Grownups.

I hope that helps a little.

Quote: Mark Rushton @ January 8, 2007, 1:48 PM

I read your comments and just hoped I could help you out with your confusion about 'Two Pints...'. it's absolutely shit, just like Grownups.

I hope that helps a little.

View original

Thanks for that lexically aesthetic deduction. A review worthy of the New York times, I might add.

I liked it and I did think of Tom Baker too, which again is NOT a bad thing. The dialogue was good, but just needs a bit of fine tuning. I've just finished scripting the first episode of a "comedy drama" and that required a lot of rethinking and re-writing and we ended up with a load of "archive" material which we thought was funny, but could be used elsewhere. Hmmm... lines being snappy - yes and no. I think the whole sh1tcom thing like Two-Pints is annoying. People don't really speak like that, I know I don't! The characters there seem to say everything in 6 word sentences and then another character speaks etc etc... Now I've written a LOT in character you find you can answer almost any question put to you as YOUR characters would. That's the heart of it. Good opening, we need a bit of scene setting to explain the story a little - maybe not American style talking to the camera, but let's say...
Pinkbeard sitting at the table with Eddi and maybe someone walks in to the pub before and goes over to the barman and has a conversation there, eg "What'll it be?" "A mug of your finest ale..." "I ain't seen your face round here afore, are you new in town sir?" "Yeah, that I am, just arrived. Nice place you have here..." Maybe they notice a raised voice from PB and Eddi as another bloke gets rejected. "Who are they?"
That way the barman and perhaps a potential crewmember can have a conversation that tells you what PB is doing in the pub and who he is etc....
I hope that helps (!)

I think your character imagination is exciting, i pictured the scene in a very cartoon like manner. I think your narrative and dialogue is good. The humour element is very comendable. I think the weakness lies in the plot and life. How much life and plot could you get out of those characters??? This is my first critique, as youl all find out im a big believer in unpredictability. I think the humour would become stale.If you can master that without getting lazy and just throwing in pirate plots (let me guess theres a treasure chest)and 'Yarr's' and 'Me hearties!' you could do it. Dont get me wrong I think you have a significant concept, just a case of stretching the life. If you dont believe me, try and write a pilot episode and see how dry you get in no time at all. If you go surreal and cartoonlike you could make it last forever, i.e. two guys in a zoo! Mighty Boosh!
DONT GIVE UP !!!!!!
I want to be around when your show goes out and likeise you me.

Si

it can work, but not beofre you do, like the advice on the site says, put the work in cos it wont write itself.

Remember, taste plays a strong roll in critique. Personally, I loved the dialogue. Smart, fast, reminiscent of "Potato" in Blackadder Series 2. You've already got the characters sorted (I think the main two play well of each other, one a diluted version of the other who can keep his cohort in check when he goes too far). There's no better start than a search for a new crew in my opinion, I'm sure the comedic situations will flow.

Too be honest I was glad the Piratey speak toned down as the piece continued, vernacular of that nature can become tedious after a while. (I'll never forget trying to read "Trainspotting - three pages before it hit the wall!)

Roll on 19th September! (Talk Like a Pirate Day) )

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

-Kyle

P.S. Tom Baker or Brian Blessed for lead role!

Oops!
Just read a few more of the comments (had stopped after reading some negative coms and thought I would jump in with some encouragement) and have realised that I said some things a few others have!

-Kyle

Why not make a feature of the Pirate speak? They only speak like that in front of others because it's expected of them, as soon as they're alone they can revert to normal speech. This way you can get over the flavour of pirates without over-doing it. Plus they can really 'hate' speaking like that. Conflict, internal, external: always good for comedy.