Hi Guys,

So, anyway, I've posted a previous version of this script before. But by that I mean a much previous version.

This is very different.

Anyway, if anyone would give me feedback I would be like soooooooooooooooooooo thrilled to be like your friend.

Basically, I need objective eyes. Care to help?

BTW, for some odd reason, photobucket has changed the font at the beginning; the pdf on my PC shows it normally, but on photobucket it's different. Don't ask me why. But no matter.

http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/634/episodepilotdraft3v2011.pdf

Hi, sorry, gave up reading after the first 6 or so pages as it just wasn't funny enough for me. I think I've read a previous version though, so this didn't help. I will say that I remember the tampon joke from last time and still think it's very funny. Only real laugh for me though.

I wasn't sure where it was going, you seem to be spending a long time setting up that James is in a dead end job with a high flying girlfriend. By the time I gave up, he seemed like he'd made a decision to move on. The problem then is that we're not really seeing the sitcom situation, we're seeing the pre sitcom situation. I would suggest you put this pilot down and start working on another episode that shows the characters trapped in their world.

Also, I thought it was implausible that he could phone up work and ask for over time and them say come straight in.

Sorry to be negative. I'm not saying it's really bad, just that it needs a lot more work.

Quote: steve by any other name @ December 6 2011, 1:35 PM GMT

Hi, sorry, gave up reading after the first 6 or so pages as it just wasn't funny enough for me. I think I've read a previous version though, so this didn't help. I will say that I remember the tampon joke from last time and still think it's very funny. Only real laugh for me though.

I wasn't sure where it was going, you seem to be spending a long time setting up that James is in a dead end job with a high flying girlfriend. By the time I gave up, he seemed like he'd made a decision to move on. The problem then is that we're not really seeing the sitcom situation, we're seeing the pre sitcom situation. I would suggest you put this pilot down and start working on another episode that shows the characters trapped in their world.

Also, I thought it was implausible that he could phone up work and ask for over time and them say come straight in.

Sorry to be negative. I'm not saying it's really bad, just that it needs a lot more work.

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[EDITx2]

Hi man, no worries; negative feedback is better than none. I appreciate you taking the time to read it!!! (...again: yeah, you were one of those who commented before )

Funny that you stopped reading there; I think from page 6 it starts to get much funnier(!) Oh well...

It's weird, there's a lot of info to put in there. I don't think I've done too badly, tho. We find out:

*he's known Leaf for a long time
*They're best friends
*He's secretly in love with her
*Her life is getting better and better; his is going downhill
*He's weak-willed and seemingly beyond hope
*She's leaving soon, so can he buck his ideas up in time?
*He needs cash

Granted tho the first few pages are hardly gripping stuff, but I'm hoping to hook people partly on emotional stuff, partly on the comedy.

Anyhoo, I know what you mean: it could get into the point quicker, but Marc Blake (script editor) said he was impressed by how quickly I got into it; incidentally, he advised me to cut the tampon exchange(!) Ha! If you ask ten people, yuo get 11 different opinions.

Funnily enough, I did put up a first draft script some way down the line in the series, but people complained they wanted to see the set up first... hmm...

As for moving on, he hasn't; he's decided to try to work hard in his job to get the dosh to ultimately move on... but he never does.

If I made you laugh once at least that's something! With a laugh-to-page ratio like that, I could be onto the next "Life's too Short" with this series...!

Anyway, I take your points:

*not funny enough
*5 pages is too long to take before we "get into" it.

Cheers,

Bryan

I've found Marc Blakes advice to be useful in the past. As an aside, I've been trying to track down a particular early version of one of my scripts and readiing through emails I noticed one to a producer that roughly said, I'm a bit concerned that you seem to be asking me to edit the jokes out. I did it anyway and a pilot script was commissioned on the back of what remained. My point is, maybe the tampon exchange should go. It made me laugh but probably doesn't add to the story. A joke for the sake of it is too extravagent most of the time, no matter how good.

And the other thing is, I assumed from what I read that James and Leaf were an item. It certainly wasn't clear that he loved her from a distance.

Quote: steve by any other name @ December 7 2011, 10:48 AM GMT

I've found Marc Blakes advice to be useful in the past. As an aside, I've been trying to track down a particular early version of one of my scripts and readiing through emails I noticed one to a producer that roughly said, I'm a bit concerned that you seem to be asking me to edit the jokes out. I did it anyway and a pilot script was commissioned on the back of what remained. My point is, maybe the tampon exchange should go. It made me laugh but probably doesn't add to the story. A joke for the sake of it is too extravagent most of the time, no matter how good.

And the other thing is, I assumed from what I read that James and Leaf were an item. It certainly wasn't clear that he loved her from a distance.

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Cheers, man. I really appreciate your feedback. I thought I hadn't shown properly that it was (mutually) unrequited, but people did pick up on it, so I left it. However, I take what you say onboard.

Here's a NEW first version replacing the beginning.

The scene with them in a pub will still be present, but in a dramatically shortened version. THIS IS THE NEW VERSION PP1-2

It would be really really cool of you to read these two pages, let me know what you think. Pleeeeeeease.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
A neat, well-organised bedroom. JAMES (early 20s) sits down at his desk, drops a thick stack of books in front of him with a thunk.

Obscure titles plastered with phrases like "Morphosyntactic alignment" and "Phonotactic constraints in Melanesian Languages"

He sighs, his eyes widen.

He opens the book with a deep breath. A small envelope is inside.

JAMES opens it slowly, suspiciously. A pair of tickets and a hand-written note.

NOTE
All work and no play, James... See you at seven tonight. L.

He grins ear-to-ear.

INT. PUB. DAY.
A female (early 20s), LEAF, sits at a pub table. JAMES enters.

LEAF
Jammies!

JAMES
Leafster!

They hug.

JAMES
How d'you get tickets!?

A hunking lunk of beef, MAXWELL, swaggers in. Built like a "rugger" player, talks like one too.

MAXWELL
Hello, Darling.

He kisses LEAF on the mouth.

MAXWELL
James.

JAMES nods.

JAMES (to LEAF)
I thought it would just be us...

LEAF
Err...

MAXWELL
Well actually, it was my thesp contacts that wangled it, James.

JAMES
Aren't you a stage hand?

LEAF picks up on JAMES' sensitivity. MAXWELL goes to kiss her on the mouth again, she gives him the cheek.

INT. JAMES' BEDROOM. DAY.
Stop motion. The books on JAMES' desk multiply out of control.

INT. PUB. DAY.
A pub. Convivial atmosphere. JAMES and LEAF clad in mortar board and gown, JAMES' MOTHER and FATHER stand proud.

Father
Just imagine what you could do now! Tour the Far East!

MOTHER
--Be a respected teacher!

LEAF
--Write an award-winning series of novels!

MOTHER
--Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
CUT TO:
INT. HOMEFRONT - CHECK-OUTS. DAY.
JAMES sits at a check-out in a red and day-glo green sweater. Bleep of tills. He looks blank, worn.

TANNOY SYSTEM
Staff announcement. Clean up, Aisle Three. There is a pool of urine in soft furnishings. That's a pool of mellowing, orange urine in soft furnishings.

An arm appears holding a mop for JAMES.

I got about halfway through then gave up. If I was you, I wouldn't show anyone important the pilot script without adding a synopsis to the first page. I got to about page 7 or 8 and hadn't cracked even the faintest of smiles.

There is way too much setup, and the 'painting of the scenes' doesn't need to be so detailed. In your script, you spend way more time reading about what you will be seeing, rather than what you'll be laughing at.

Hi..

I did read it to the end, and whilst it wasn't the funniest it could be, I personally thought it was good for the beginning stage.
I think you could maybe do more with the manager and have a bit more interraction with her or introduce a few more other people who work there perhaps?
Although the script wasn't laugh out loud funny, there were quite a few bits which made me smile.
Definitely has potential, keep working on it.

I seem to remember reading this before and I can't remember if I left feedback or not, but I REALLY like it! Maybe it's just because I can relate to it (being a recent graduate that is still stuck in a dead-end retail job), but I think it is well written and makes me laugh a lot.

It still needs work no doubt. The character of Darren is a bit too similar to Gareth from The Office I think, especially with the army references. And while there is an over-arching plot set up with him wanting money to go travelling, I think a single-episode plot should be set up much sooner.

I would be interested in reading the full script if you have it?

I read up to page 10 (sorry, bit short of time at moment - it is 1 am!). The writing has style and it reads well. You've got lots of nicely observed little jokes, but it would be nice to have some bigger set pieces to get the comedic momentum going early.

It's no worse than anything else on TV today, it just lacks that WHAM factor to make it a classic comedy. I would draw a graph line of peaks and troughs (if you haven't already done so) and try to work out how to bring your character up one minute and then down the next - which might help keep the reader/viewer gripped more.

Keep at it, I'd say.

Quote: MrToad @ January 17 2012, 1:13 AM GMT

I would draw a graph line of peaks and troughs (if you haven't already done so) and try to work out how to bring your character up one minute and then down the next - which might help keep the reader/viewer gripped more.

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Great idea!