Subject: 7 top tips for your pet Dalek
If you share the same passionate obsession with Dr Who's most terrifying enemy, The Daleks as the majority of English people then you NEED to read this to keep on top of your 'Supreme Ruler of The Universe'
Keep your Dalek in tip top medical condition with the following easy maintenance guides. This handy cut out and keep guide provides invaluable information that covers most models made on the planet Skaro between 1962 and 2009. The latest models can be found in a supplement published in 2012 (Simply program your time machine to 2012 to retrieve it).
1. Keep him well oiled. The early model Daleks are notorious for running out of oil and this causes all manner of problems. Hypothermia, rickets and housemaids knee spring instantly to mind. However OEM oil is difficult to obtain on earth at the best of times so we recommend a mixture of maple syrup and vodka. This has the added bonus of keeping him happy and after all, a happy Dalek is a safe Dalek. The last thing anyone wants is their favourite robot 'exterminating' the neighbourhood and vomiting on the local clergyman.
2. Laugh at his jokes. Its hard work conquering star systems and distant worlds so when 'The Supreme Being' returns home after a hard days exterminating he loves nothing better than telling at least three hours of 'in' jokes from his home planet. It is imperative that you laugh out very loud at every quip, you are at risk of being severely beaten or exterminated if you laugh at the wrong moment. Example: Two Daleks are at the local nightspot, one said to the other "you c**t"......Now that is supposed to be hilarious. Be aware of Skaro humour. The whole planet of Thragflapper Nine was virtually destroyed in 1798 because someone forgot to laugh at the correct moment.
3. Keep him fully charged. Daleks use millions of watts of electricity and simply using an average mobile phone charger plugged onto his neck just won't cut the mustard. When you first take delivery of your new machine, take time to seek out the nearest electricity sub station. When you find that his exterminating prodder does not 'zap'but merely emits a growl rather like a small dog farting then its time to push him along to the aforesaid substation. Simply clamber over the wall dodging the razor sharp spikes and plug in a domestic extension cable. Lift the flap at the rear of the Dalek and just plug and go. Be amazed at the look of relief on his face, he'll just love you forever for this.
4. Love and sex
Just like any Fascist dictator, the Dalek enjoys nothing more than prowling around the local red light area. Keep his pockets full of cash so he can relieve himself at the expense of a brace of Russian hookers. It's advisable to accompany him on these 'love missions' just to be sure he remembers to pay for services rendered. It's not unknown for him to exterminate working girls to avoid paying. On the subject of love it is a built in emotion to love nothing other than him. This alleviates the Dalek's owner having to pay for unwanted weddings. Try to read a copy of Sex and Daleks by Dr Mildred Pannyfack for further details.
5. Teaching him to drive
Driving in Earth's crowded orbit can be harrowing enough as a skilled Dalek driver but as a learner it can lead to all kinds of maladies. Encourage your learner to use the clutch on the MK 11 Interspace Battle Fighter with care and patience. It's no fun having 260,000 tons of spaceship kangaroo hopping over inhabited areas as the inhabitants of 4 French towns (now derelict) found out to their amazement in June 1998. Remember to install a strict regime of MSM (mirror, signal, manoeuvre) and you will be impressed just how quickly he will learn, although there is never much behind the ship as it's usually exterminated if it gets too close. Keep an eye out for signs of drunkenness; Daleks are prone to consuming up to two cases of Smirnoff before setting off. Limit this amount to one case and you will find he'll exterminate a lot less. There is a waiting list at The Driving Centre on Skaro so expect to wait around 45 years for a test appointment.
6. The Dalek pension scheme
This can be cause for concern for many elderly Daleks. If you own or rent one of the first models then they should have been paying 10% of their weekly allowance into this scheme run but the Government of Skaro. However many of the early models chose to waste their monthly allowance on Vodka, Russian prostitutes and pre 1975 copies of the Radio Times. To add to the problem and shortfall the Government of Skaro was involved in the Kaled Scandal where a number of Ministers were accused of wasting money on.....Vodka, Russian Prostitutes and pre 1975 copies of The TV Times.
7. Visiting relatives from Skaro
August Bank Holidays can be a traumatic time for most Dalek owners. It's the start of the traditional Skaro Great Getaway where most of the factories close and hordes and hordes of Daleks take to the skies to visit loved ones in far off places. As usual the highways and skyways are bumper to bumper with battle cruisers full of impatient Daleks. Parking too can be a major problem inevitably this turns into the usual Bank Holiday bloodbath. Impatient Daleks will not wait for a space but simply exterminate any rival ship waiting to dock. Parking attendants are frequently slaughtered and meters ripped from their roots. For the unfortunate owners it's a Supreme Rulers of The Universe free for all weekend of vodka drinking, projectile vomiting and extermination. It has been known to take four months to remove the smell of urine and diesel from the spare bedroom. Be prepared!!