I didn't want to go to New York anyway; once you've seen one Ponzi schemer being pushed into the back of a squad car you've seen them all.

As you can guess, just like Rupert Murdoch and a sense of scruples, myself and the BAFTA Rocliffe NYTVF prize (just reaching for my inhaler) decided we weren't really right for each other.

Anybody else have a dangerously close shave with success? The sense of relief is overwhelming isn't it?

Oh, sorry, yes before I forget...

"Hello" everybody.

(You all do exist in real life?)

Ahoy, Captain.

Hello! What are your responsibilities as Captain Carex?

Quote: Captain Carex @ July 29 2011, 8:19 PM BST

Anybody else have a dangerously close shave with success?

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I had a brush with success once.

I'd just started my set and I was reciting the value of pi to an infinite number of decimal places and I'd was only about 50 or 60 places in - I'd hardly started - when a guy at the front started chuckling.

For a moment, I thought something had gone terribly right but then he saw me looking at him and he raised his hand in apology. I stopped reciting and he explained he was chuckling at something that had happened to him at work that afternoon.

I smiled in acceptance of his apology and went back to reciting my number until the compere came back on and escorted me gently off stage.

The man who chuckled gave me a few quiet claps of applause.

Hello all.

My responsibilities as Captain are to make sure my comedy ship gets a safe passage to Port Funny without hitting the storms of comedy lameness (see RMS 'Sirens; was it me just me didn't get it?) or the iceberg of tiredness (see SS 'My Family); try to get as many laughs (that's 'laaarfs' for people south of Northampton)per page. And to make sure there're enough 'laugh' boats should the worst come to the worst of the worst; see what I did there?

Also care for my mum, hence the 'care' bit. Also a bit of an enigma; been told I'm hard to understand sometimes; maybe I should start speaking with my mouth open. Hence the 'x' bit. And I use Carex hand gel a lot; a bit OCD about that (got a bit of an obsession with semi-colons too; half a colon is better than none at all)

Hello. I too only have half a colon and yes, I have been advised by my doctor that it is indeed better than none.

Ahoy there! 1000 hellos to you with a deduction of the obligatory VAT, so that makes it 800 hellos.

(I don't quite exist yet, give it time.)

Look no semi-colons! I've had a semi-colonoscopy; good eh?

Damn.

Hello

Alreet geez?

Hello

Guten Tag Mein Bruder!

Hiya Captain