hi I know its really early for this but I have been asked to write a sketch for the Christmas eve service at my church but I have never written anything before and I want to get it right so I've left lots of time to perfect it. this is the first draft which I wrote this morning and ive not edited it at all but I was wondering what people think so far. sorry its a bit long. I hope you lke it in order to get some of the jokes then you need to know that we have a curate called Grant and a youth leader called carol. this would be performed by the youth group, called critical mass, which is for people between 11 and 18

-what really matters-

narrator: the lead up to Christmas can be a very stressful time for our vicar and so in late September when he first heard the Christmas songs blaring out of the radio he knew that things were going to get very busy...

Julian : oh no its September it can't be Christmas yet! summer is barely over I wore shorts yesterday,shorts! and sandals, and a Hawaiian shirt... and sun cream, factor 50, its no way near Christmas.

Narrator: however Christmas did get closer and closer and Julian began to think back to the Christingle crisis of the previous year

(twinkly music)

Carol: father Julian father Julian its all gone wrong.

Julian : wow wow carol calm down. whats gone wrong

Carol: the Christingles, the fruit company they messed up our order.

Julian: oh... bother let me see then

( carol holds up a box with the word oranges on the front)

Julian:well they certainly aren't oranges

carol: no

Julian: this whole things gone a bit pear shaped

Carol: (puzzled) but they aren't pears they're nectarines.

Julian: I know it's just a saying. wait aren't they peaches

Carol : no of course not don't be stupid

Julian: so... so whats the difference. wait we don't have time for this now- where can we get 500 oranges on Christmas eve

Carol: 24 hour tesco?

Julian : or we could steal from a neighbouring church

together : Mmm

Julian: it might set a bad example

carol: so would shopping in tescos

Julian: I guess we will have to just use what we've got

Narrator: the Christingle crisis was the last straw and so Julian asked the bishop for a grant to help the church

grant: hello I'm grant

Julian: well when I asked for a grant you weren't really what I was expecting we really need the money to help with our problems.

Grant: well whatever your problem is I'll curate.

Julian : ok thanks.

Grant: wait did you not see what I did there I said "cure it" like the word "curate" which is my job(laughs to himself) ... its funny

Julian: oh I see. ( rolls eyes and choughs)

narrator: the extra help meant there was less pressure on the church side of things this year but last week he got the worst news ever...

family member 1: oh honey by the way your doing Christmas lunch this year.

Julian: ( very dramatically) Noooooooooooooooooooooo.

narrator : being in charge of Christmas dinner meant endless arguments within the family about how potatoes were going to be cooked

family member 1: I want roasties, soft and fluffy on the inside and beautifully crisp on the outside cooked in duck fat for extra flavour.

Julian: but I'm not even cooking duck

family member 1: well you could cut corners just to make it easier for you and let everyone down by serving second rate roasties.

Julian: well when you put it like that I suppose that the roast potatoes are the most important bit.

Family member 2 : roast potatoes are you mad! everyone wants creamy mash potatoes which have been finished off under the grill to give it a lovely crispy top

Family member 3 : mash was so last year darling personally I'd prefer an elegant side dish of potato dauphinoise

family member 1: what on earth is potato duaphinois?

family member 4: its potatoes and dolphins

family member 3: don't be such a moron its a French dish of potatoes in an indulgently creamy garlic sauce

family member 2: ew French food, has it got snails in, I think that mash is easily the best. I vote mash

Family member 1: roasties

family member 3: dauphinoise

family member 4: chips.

family members 1,2 and 3 simultaneously: ( in shock) CHIPS!

Julian: so we are all in agreement then

family members 1,2 and 3 simultaneously: no way !

narrator: the argument carried on in this way for several long hours until it was decided that Julian would be cooking potatoes in 4 different ways just to please everyone.

family member 1: so how are you cooking the gravy?

Julian : I can't take it any more! I'm going over to church to pray

narrator: it was at this point that Julian finally realised something that he probably should have known all along.

Julian: it doesn't really matter if the Christingles are made with peaches-

carol: NECTARINES

Julian: oh yes .sorry carol nectarines. it doesn't matter if the Christingles are made with nectarines rather than oranges or if the potatoes are only cooked in one way or if the critical mass nativity play is even worse than last year the only bit that matters is Jesus.

narrator: so whatever you do this Christmas, if you burn the turkey or forget to get your mum a Christmas present don't worry because the only thing that really matters is Jesus. your mum might not see it that way though.

-The end-

What's a Christingle?

its an orange with a candle and sweets stuck in it, they are handed out at the service to represent Jesus's light coming into the world( which is represented by the orange)

Otherwise it's an amiable, inoffensive vehicle for some injokes.

It'll do.

Perhaps you could structure it a little more?

yeah I will, thanks for the tips

You have a disturbing insight into Christian capers and your sketch is extremely inoffensive and a tad whimsical.
It's quaint and might appeal to Walter the softy, but I'm with Dennis on this one.

Well it's a bit sloppy and chaotic but no worse than a lot of church sketches I've seen. It could be edited down pretty nicely.

I can't believe you haven't made a pun on the name Carol in a Christmas sketch though.

I've been doing sketch stuff for Greenbelt for the last few years and I've edited down sketches for church before so feel free to PM me if you'd like to see how I'd edit that one.

the problem is its being performed in church in front of young families so I don't want to offend but do you think that I should be a bit more risky when I write the second draft?

I sniggered a few times at this. I'm not a church person but this seemed the right kind of thing. I wouldn't make it more risque - think it has the right tone. If you're going to be working on it more, you might hone it a bit and put in a few more jokes. Also, read it aloud in the characters' voices so you can time it - I assume you know what timing you're aiming at.

By the way, if you're going to be printing this out to give to the cast, I think you need to see to the punctuation.

Good luck.

I used to write Purim Shpiels, much more fun with sex violence and genocide.

I think you need to find the balance between Franky Boyle and Derek Nimmo, perhaps a slight titter regarding the curates garters followed by calling the organist a twat, should do the trick.

Apart from suggesting you perhaps stick the sweets and candles in some mashed potato I can't see anything much wrong with it...

I never realised Christians had so much fun...

Quote: samcheese @ July 11 2011, 2:48 PM BST

the problem is its being performed in church in front of young families so I don't want to offend but do you think that I should be a bit more risky when I write the second draft?

View original

Definitely not. The tone is right for what you're doing and it ends on the right note. Don't risk ANYTHING that could even be slightly off key or offensive. Keep the tone like a school play even, better safe than sorry. It's not an audience that's expecting a Dave Allen sketch.

The safer and pun-ish you keep it the better it will go down. You have loads of time to mess around with this and you can include loads of jokes that already exist. The episode of friends where they burn the turkey etc, you could give them have a laugh by showing everything that can go wrong, go wrong, but (per moral) it doesn't matter.

Play to your audience is one of the most important skills of a writer.

So take pride in being inoffensive.

As midnight approaches you all have a little singalong to "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"