Hi all,
First post here I believe! I'd love to hear your thoughts on our sitcommission entry, as we are beginning a run of several venues 'oop north' this summer. We didn't make the cut- but nevertheless- this play needs adapting into an hour long feature in the next month or so and your opinions will be greatly appreciated!
Farley's Remains is a dark-comedy, a tale of one man's decline into isolation and despair. Entrapped with his own sense of guilt and loneliness, Ted Farley begins to quite literally shut himself off from the world.
Sorry the formatting has been messed up a little- can't figure out 'bold' or alignment settings? Oh well. Enjoy...
Thanks in advance,
Kris
SCENE 1. HOSPITAL SIDE WARD
TED FARLEY AWAITS PATIENTLY. HUMMING TO HIMSELF. DR WILLIAMS GREETS HIM WARMLY
DR WILLIAMS
Ah, excuse me are you here to see a Mr Graham Farley?
TED
Yeah, I am
DR WILLIAMS
Ah, so you must be his brother? Ted is it?
TED
Yep
DR WILLIAMS
Alright. OK, Mr Farley. He's right through here (POINTS OUT SIDE WARD.) Now, I understand how difficult this must be, so please feel free to take all the
time you need.
TED NODS AND BEGINS TO WALK IN. DOCTOR PLACES HIS HAND ON TED'S SHOULDER
DR WILLIAMS (CONT'D)
If there is anything, anything at all that you need, please, don't hesitate, I'll be right outside.
TED LOOKS A LITTLE SCARED AND CONFUSED. HE ENTERS THE SIDE WARD.
DR WILLIAMS SMILES AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND TED.
ACROSS THE ROOM LIES GRAHAM, ASLEEP. TED RUSHES OVER AND TAKES A SEAT BESIDE GRAHAM.
TED
Oh, God. Seriously come home. I haven't eaten for twelve days I think I'm going peculiar. (ROCKS GRAHAM TO WAKE HIM) Graham. I said...
GRAHAM (YAWNING)
Oh. My my. What time is it?
TED
Who cares? Please come home, when are they letting you out of this shit-hole? I'm so hungry, I don't know how to work anything, the cat's gone missing, and
five of the curtain hooks have vanished- there's a wasp in the kitchen and a horrible moth in the bathroom, Oh God please come home.
GRAHAM
Oh, well I'm fine. Thanks Ted. Your concern is heart-warming. (YAWNS) Why haven't you eaten? What about all those microwave meals?
TED
Oh God stop nagging, bloody hell I'm not Jamie Oliver. I ate some parsley once and it was f**king horrible. I'm not cut out for experimenting I just want
crisps.
GRAHAM
Crisps? You just don't understand do you Ted? Did you just come here to piss me off? I can't stand your selfishness. I can't live like this. Not anymore.
TED
Haha, anyway. Can I have that banana?
GRAHAM JUST SHRUGS
TED LEANS OVER GRAHAM, HURTING HIM IN THE PROCESS. GRAHAM WINCES.
TED BEGINS TO EAT THE BANANA
TED (CONT'D)
Aaah. Anyway. Asked Linda to marry me. Ended up going to ASDA on my own and drinking a can of beer outside.
TED SPITS OUT THE BANANA ONTO GRAHAM
TED (CONT'D)
Eurgh. It tastes like hospital.
GRAHAM
Went well then did it?
TED
It did actually. Well, she wasn't in. I've left the flowers outside with a little note. God I bloody love her.
GRAHAM
Goodness me Ted. You're making a blasted fool of yourself.
A PAUSE FOR CONSIDERATION
GRAHAM (CONT'D)
Still, would I be your best man?
TED
God no. Why the hell would I pick you? Imagine you stood there all pale and boring. No-one would come. Haha.
GRAHAM SIMPLY ROLLS HIS HEAD AWAY FROM TED AND SAYS NOTHING.
TED (CONT'D)
Can I have them crisps?
NO RESPONSE
TED (CONT'D)
Cheers.
TED GRABS THE CRISPS. HE OPENS THEM FORCEFULLY AND THEY BURST ALL OVER GRAHAM.
TED (CONT'D)
Ah. Didn't want them anyway.
GRAHAM IS SOBBING QUIETLY TO HIMSELF.
TED EATS A CRISP OF GRAHAM'S WEEPING BODY.
TED (CONT'D)
Best go to be honest. This is terrible and depressing.
TED JUMPS UP AND HURRIEDLY GOES TO LEAVE. HE GRABS THE DOOR HANDLE
GRAHAM
I'll be seeing you Ted, sooner than you think
TED
Right. Yeah. Bye. (EXITING) Love you!
TED LEAVES THE WARD. CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. DR WILLIAMS ACCOSTS HIM IN THE CORRIDOR.
DR WILLIAMS
Ah, Mr Farley. Everything OK? Is there anyone I could perhaps call on his behalf?
TED
What? No. He has a mobile. Anyway he's being a bit of a Narky Nigel tonight.
DR WILLIAMS (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Excuse me?
TED
Oh, right sorry. I mean, you know (WHISPERS) a bit of a moody bastard. He hardly spoke and when he did he started crying.
DR WILLIAMS
He's awake? He's conscious?
TED
Well, yeah. Obviously.
DR WILLIAMS RIFLES THROUGH HIS NOTES
DR WILLIAMS
Mr Farley, your brother fell into a coma last night- we called you?
TED
What the bloody hell are you on about?
DR WILLIAMS OPENS THE SIDE WARD DOOR AND QUICKLY GASPS AT GRAHAM'S UNCONSCIOUS BODY COVERED IN CRISPS WITH BANANA ROUND HIS MOUTH.
DR WILLIAMS
Oh my. My...
TED FOLLOWS DR WILLIAMS INSIDE
TED
What?
DR WILLIAMS
What...happened in here?
TED
Nothing. God.
TED NOTICES GRAHAM ASLEEP. HE RUSHES OVER AND BEGINS TO SHAKE HIM
TED (CONT'D)
Graham! Graham! Graham you dick wake up the doctor's here.
DR WILLIAMS
Mr Farley, stop that!
TED
Wake up. (THRASHING VIGOROUSLY) Seriously, wake up.
DR WILLIAMS DRAGS TED AWAY
DR WILLIAMS
Stop that! You're hurting him, I told you he's unconscious, he's in a coma!
TED
He's not. He's not I just spoke to him!
DR WILLIAMS
Mr Farley. That man is clearly comatose. I'm a doctor for goodness sake.
TED'S HORRIBLE REALISATION DAWNS.
TED
I've not...it's just I've not....eaten...Oh God
HE GRABS THE BANANA REMNANTS FROM GRAHAM'S CHEST IN HIS HAND AND FLEES THE WARD.
SCENE 2. TED'S FRONT GARDEN. 6 MONTHS LATER.
A MERRY LOOKING TED IS BUSY BUILDING A WALL IN HIS FRONT GARDEN. HE SINGS THE 'BANANAMAN' THEME TUNE AS HE BUILDS.
A MAN IN A VIS-VEST, BARRY, COMES OVER TO INVESTIGATE. HE HOLDS A CLIPBOARD.
BARRY
Excuse me sir. Are, you er...Mr Farley?
TED
Yep
BARRY
My name is Barry Garlow. I'm from the council. Can we have a chat, about er...your wall?
TED
Not interested
BARRY
Right. Well...I am. And, er... so are my colleagues. It appears you have forgone planning permission on this here particular structural improvement.
TED
What? I can build a wall in my own garden?
BARRY
Erm. Well actually Ted. I'm afraid that's not strictly true. Unfortunately we've had...complaints. Er, from the neighbours.
TED
What? F**k the neighbours.
BARRY DRAWS OUT A TAPE MEASURE AND BEGINS MEASURING FROM THE GROUND UPWARDS.
TED SPIES AN OLD WOMAN IN THE NEXT GARDEN.
TED (CONT'D)
Is it you? Have you complained, you miserable old git?
OLD WOMAN
Oh no lovey. I quite like you.
TED
Right. Good.
BARRY (RETRACTS TAPE MEASURE)
Ah, just as I suspected. This grass and foliage here exceeds the minimum 17.4 inches in length which deems it in contravention of the 'Unsightly Growth of
Foliage' act of 2004. I'm afraid we're going to have to take action and mow it before it gets out of hand.
TED
What the bastarding hell are you on about?
BARRY
Erm...maybe I can...come in? For a...talk? A chat, maybe?
TED
All this bureaucracy- I'm bloody well fine, I already sent a poem of complaint to your oafish colleagues and that got me nowhere did it?
BARRY
Please? Just ten minutes, then...I'll go away, leave you alone. If you want.
TED
Bloody hell.
SCENE 3. TED'S LIVING ROOM. CONT.
TED ENTERS THE ROOM, AND PEERS INSIDE SLOWLY. SCANNING THE ROOM FOR SIGNS OF LIFE. BARRY FOLLOWS HIM, LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM SUSPICIOUSLY.
TED
Make sure you wipe that mud off your feet
BARRY (LOOKING AT SHOES)
Er...I haven't. I haven't got mud on my shoes Mr Farley.
TED
Well, wipe it off anyway.
BARRY OBLIGINGLY WIPES HIS FEET WITH HIS HANDS.
TED AND BARRY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE SOFA. TED REMAINS STANDING AS BARRY GOES TO SIT DOWN TED YELPS
TED (CONT'D)
Ah, ah, ah! No, no. You sit there- on the carpet. I'm not Robert Mugabe but I do insist on it.
BARRY GROANS IN PAIN AS HE LOWERS HIMSELF TO A SITTING POSITION
TED (CONT'D)
Don't worry, there's no spiders on it. Anyway, fancy a drinky-poo?
BARRY
Oh, thank you, er... that would be lovely. Just a tea please...'milk and one.'
TED
Tea's a meal isn't it? Hahaha, but in all seriousness I haven't got any. I have Tango.
BARRY
Right, well er. Tango it is then. Thank you.
BARRY LOOKS A BIT CONCERNED
TED LEAVES THE ROOM AND GOES TO A SMALL CABINET. HE REMOVES A CAN OF TANGO
BARRY (CONT'D)
Oh, in fact. Would you happen to have any water, just tap will do?
TED
No, I don't sorry.
TED RE-ENTERS AND LOBS THE CAN AT BARRY, WHO FLINCHES.
TED (CONT'D)
Anything on the ring pull is mine.
BOTH TED AND BARRY SIT AND SLURP FROM THEIR CANS. THEY SIGH
TED (CONT'D)
In all seriousness, are you planning to sexually assault me? It's just with the vis-vest and all, you might be off The Real Hustle or something?
BARRY
Oh God no, no. Do they do that on The Real Hustle? Sexual assault?
TED JUST SHRUGS
BARRY (CONT'D)
Right, well no I'm not into that Mr Farley. So how are you keeping?
TED
I'm keeping fine, haha, like a beekeeper.
BARRY
Right, well...
TED
Or a goalkeeper.
BARRY
I see...
TED
Or someone who steals ladies underwear and keeps smelling them. Keep.
BARRY
Good. Great...(SLURPS TANGO) it's a lovely place you have here Mr Farley.
TED
No, it's awful. I don't know how anything works- I just order stuff off the internet and hope it arrives. If it wasn't for that I'd probably kill myself.
BARRY
Oh, right, well. That's terrible. Have you thought of counselling?
TED
Are you trying to sell me counselling?
BARRY
Oh...God....no. Of course not. I wouldn't do that. Erm...so...do you live here alone? Is there anyone else?
TED
What is this? Who sent you? I don't know what you're talking about.
BARRY
Right. It's just...we're going to need to sort some retrospective planning permission for this wall of yours. Our listings here mention a Mr Graham Farley as
the property owner, is, er, he around?
TED
Nnnno. (LOOKING SHIFTY) Be right back.
TED FLEES THE ROOM
SCENE 4. TED'S BACK GARDEN
TED SCAMPERS INTO THE BACK GARDEN, LIGHTING A CIGARETTE. HE PANICS AND SCANS THE GARDEN.
TED
Graham! Graham! They're on to us!
A DISHEVELLED GRAHAM IS TRYING TO ESCAPE OVER A SMALL FENCE
TED (CONT'D)
What the f**k are you doing? Where the hell are you going?
TED YANKS GRAHAM FROM THE FENCE, GRAHAM FALLS.
TED (CONT'D)
Don't be a silly lemon.
GRAHAM SOBS TO HIMSELF, SLOWLY GATHERS HIS COMPOSURE AND STANDS UP
GRAHAM (GRABBING TED)
Oh God, please, please let me leave. I have to get back, Ted it's hell out here.
TED (SHAKES OFF GRAHAM)
No! You're not going anywhere! It's nearly time for your salt water, and then it's feeding time.
GRAHAM
Please Ted! This isn't right. It's not fair.
TED
Calm down (SLAPS GRAHAM) Bloody hell.
GRAHAM CALMS DOWN AND WIPES A SMALL TEAR FROM HIS EYE.
TED (CONT'D)
There's...a man. From the council, at least that's what he says. He knows. About you. He has a clipboard. It's getting real bro, like The Wire, only with
vis-vests.
GRAHAM
Don't be ridiculous. Just let me speak to him. I can make it OK, I promise.
TED
No. Don't start this again! You're not allowed inside. Remember, you can't be trusted. Mr Untrustworthy Pants.
GRAHAM
Please. Please Ted. It's so cold here. I'm not well. I have a woodlouse in my sock.
TED
I told you, as soon as I finish the wall, you can come inside. But until then, I want you where I can keep you safe. Safe from prying eyes.
GRAHAM
Have you been on the wacky baccy again? I don't like you using that, I told you, you change...
TED
No, I came to see you and anyway it's none of your business Graham. That's what people do indoors. They take drugs. Not like your world. Your terrible
outside world full of soil and factories.
GRAHAM
Oh, God. I feel so ill. And thirsty...so thirsty.
TED
Ill, schmill. Granddad had cancer and do you know what he did? He got on with it. He joined the Yorkshire shot putting team and two months later it'd gone.
GRAHAM SOBS QUIETLY
TED (CONT'D)
Graham. Tell me what to do. I need you to tell me.
GRAHAM (SOBBING)
Go back inside. Tell him you live alone.
TED
Thanks, now that wasn't so hard was it? (WALKING AWAY) Back to your wheelbarrow, you mindless garden ape. Hahaha. Love you. Toodaloo.
GRAHAM
Ted. Really. Smarten yourself up, you look like an ovary.
TED RUFFLES HIS COLLAR AND STEPS BACK INSIDE
SCENE 5. TED'S LIVING ROOM
BARRY IS LOOKING AT A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH OF LINDA
TED STANDS WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED AT THE DOOR
BARRY
Oh. Sorry....I Just thought....she's a nice lass
TED
Well you're wrong, looks can be deceiving, she was a bloody stupid bitch. Anyway, can you leave? I'm tired and depressed. Mainly your fault so well done.
BARRY
Oh, but what about all the paperwork, I can't leave without a signature. We have to go through the forms
TED
Oh, we have to go through some forms, I'll tell you what. I'll put your head through the forms, and you'll have papercuts on your face and look like an evil
villain, how will you feel then, when you go back to your council bum-chums? Eurgh, look at Barry with his evil, awful face. Sack him, sack him now!
Disgusting pig.
BARRY
Mr Farley. Please. I'm just trying to help. It doesn't have to be you, it can be Graham, but I just need...
TED
I don't want or need your help. (UNRAVELS A PLASTIC BAG FROM HIS POCKET) I just want you to leave me alone. (PLACES BAG ON HEAD)
BARRY
Mr Farley. I'll only have to come back again next week. I can't allow you to carry out any more construction work until you or your brother fill in this
paperwork.
TED
Right, goodbye.
BARRY LOOKS BEMUSED
BARRY
Erm...I see...right. I'll erm...I'll leave now.
BARRY NERVOUSLY SHUFFLES OUT LOOKING BACK SEVERAL TIMES AT TED. HE CLOSES THE DOOR.
TED
Eurgh. God
SCENE 6. PARK BENCH.
BARRY AND A FELLOW COUNCILLOR SIT ON A PARK BENCH IN THEIR VIS VESTS
COUNCILLOR
Well?
BARRY
He won't budge, but...
COUNCILLOR
Jesus Christ, what's his problem? Drugs is it? Alchy?
BARRY
No, he's just lonely. Can't we just leave him, at least for a few days. He'll come round
COUNCILLOR
No, absolutely not. He's breaking the law whether or not he's a mental case. I don't give a shit about him Barry, and neither should you. Otherwise get a job
in a f**king flower shop for all I care, selling daffodils to old women and wearing cardigans. You're working for the council, so you'd better man up or shit out.
BARRY
I just think, sir, that maybe we should wait for his brother to turn up, and maybe...
COUNCILLOR
Look, I'm sorry to nag. You know I believe in you, Barry. But whatever you're going to try and suggest, the answer is no. Whilst you were in there I did most
of your work for you. I looked up this Graham Farley, the so-called property owner.
BARRY
Me too. Apparently he isn't in today, that's why I think we should wait.
COUNCILLOR
He's dead, Barry. He's been dead for weeks. Poor bastard died in hospital. There is no Graham...
BARRY LOOKS STUNNED
COUNCILLOR (CONT'D)
It's certainly complicated things. Tricky. This is gonna be one tough cookie, even for me. God, how I despise the general public. (PUTS HAND ON BARRY'S
SHOULDER)
You need to learn to deal with people like this. You can't get attached, you're developing a soft spot for the people you're meant to be helping. You're
better than that, Barry. I know you can do it!
BARRY
You want me to go back?
COUNCILLOR
We can't leave here without a signature. Tea and biscuits at five, Barry. Remember what I told you...
SCENE 7. TED'S BACK GARDEN
BARRY IS STOOD AT TED'S WALL, SEARCHING FOR HIM.
TED IS IN THE DISTANCE, MUTTERING.
TED
I don't think it worked...
BARRY IS ABOUT TO RESPOND
TED (CONT'D)
They'll just come back next week, and...
TED (CONT'D)
I know but...
TED (CONT'D)
No, stop asking me that, I'm not f**king stupid.
BARRY SPIES THROUGH THE WALL, AND REALISES THAT TED IS SPEAKING TO NO-ONE BUT HIMSELF.
BARRY (GASPS)
Oh, shit!
TED (FEVERISHLY ALERT)
Who's there?
BARRY FLEES THE SCENE
TED RUNS TO THE FRONT GARDEN. HE LOOKS BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER
TED (CONT'D)
Get back to your wheelbarrow, seriously. I'm being f**king serious now.
TED SLOWLY SIGHS AND PLACES THE LAST BRICK IN HIS WALL, FINALLY SEALING HIMSELF OFF FROM THE WORLD.
HE SINGS THE BANANAMAN THEME TUNE TO HIMSELF AS HE COMPLETES HIS WORK, AND RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER
