INT. PORN FILM SET - DAY
STEEL (PORNSTAR); IN JUST HIS BRIEFS AND A COWBOY HAT, STANDS UP CLOSE TO EVA WHO IS WEARING MINIMAL CLOTHING.
EVA
(BREATHY) They tell me you've broken more hearts than...I've had hot dinners.
STEEL
(POOR AMERICAN ACCENT) Well, I don't know how many hot dinners you had, but, I've sure broken some hearts in my time.
THEY STARE INTO ONE ANOTHER'S EYES AND APPROACH A KISS.
TEDDY (DIRECTOR)
(EFFEMINATE) Cut! That's perfect. We'll film the kiss and naughtiness later; just take ten now.
STEEL GOES TO HIS CHAIR BEHIND CAMERA, PICKS UP A MARTINI AND EATS THE OLIVE. SUDDENLY STEEL CLASPS HIS THROAT; HIS HEAD FLOPS BACK.
FADE TO:
INT. FILM SET - DAY
TEDDY HURRIES BACK ON SET.
TEDDY
Come on people; Kiss scene. We need some extra moisture on Eva's lips...
CLAIRE
Which ones?
TEDDY
Naughty! And Steel...where's Steel? (SPOTS HIM SLUMPED IN CHAIR AND TUTS) Claire can I get some make-up and a wake-up? Steel looks awfully pale.
CLAIRE (MAKE-UP ARTIST) HURRIES TO STEEL AND BEGINS POWDERING HIS CHEEKS. SHE SCREAMS.
TEDDY
Steel, you must stop pinching her bottom.
CLAIRE
(QUIVERING) No...he's...he's...
TEDDY
Spit it out, woman.
CLAIRE
He's dead!
TEDDY
Really?
TEDDY SLAPS STEEL ABOUT A BIT.
TEDDY
Oh bugger. (HE THINKS) Get me, Tim.
CLAIRE
Tim, who?
TEDDY
You know, Tim, that chappie who works next door.
CLAIRE
The animatronics guy?
TEDDY
Yes. Chop, chop!
CUT TO:
INT. FILM WORK SHOP - DAY
STEEL (TOPLESS) IS LAYING ON HIS FRONT ON THE WORK TOP. HE HAS MULTI-COLOURED WIRES AND CABLES STICKING OUT FROM HIS BACK.
TIM
I'm not sure this'll work.
TEDDY
Of course it will, you made Miss Piggy look almost human in The Muppet Christmas Carol; and we only need two parts of him to work.
TIM
Two?
TEDDY
Well, his mouth as well.
FADE TO:
INT. WORKSHOP - DAY
TIM IS DEMONSTRATING HOW TO USE THE REMOTE CONTROL/JOYSTICK WHICH CONTROLS STEEL; HE MOVES THE JOYSTICK RIGHT, STEEL'S RIGHT ARM MOVES, THEN LEFT AND HIS LEFT ARM RAISES. TEDDY FOLLOWS THE COMMANDS WITH THE RC.
TIM
That's it. Now these buttons control his mouth.
TIM HOLDS A RED BUTTON DOWN AND STEEL'S MOUTH GRADUALLY OPENS. TIM HOLDS THE GREEN BUTTON DOWN; STEEL'S MOUTH SLOWLY CLOSES. TEDDY FOLLOWS THE COMMANDS.
TIM
Right. Now this is the function you'll probably need the most.
TIM TAKES THE CONTROL AND SLOWLY RUBS UP AND DOWN ON THE JOYSTICK; TEDDY LOOKS OUT OF SHOT AND RAISES HIS EYEBROWS.
TEDDY
Hmm, yummy, yummy.
TIM
Now you try.
TEDDY TAKES THE RC AND RUBS UP AND DOWN ON THE JOYSTICK. HE GETS RATHER TOO INVOLVED; TIM SNATCHES THE JOYSTICK FROM TEDDY.
TIM
Slowly! You don't want to burst it!
TEDDY
(MOPS HIS BROW WITH A HANKY) Sorry, I went into a rather delicious trance there.
TIM
Well, I think you're pretty much set to go.
TEDDY
Could I just have another quick practice?
TIM RELUCTANTLY HANDS HIM THE JOYSTICK/RC.
TIM
But slowly, remember?!
TEDDY GIVES HIM A SAUCY KNOWING LOOK.
FADE TO:
INT. FILM SET - NIGHT
EVA IS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON A LIFELESS STEEL.
CUT TO:
TEDDY BEHIND CAMERA GLEEFULLY RUBBING UP AND DOWN ON THE JOYSTICK.
TEDDY
(MANIACALLY) It's the Holy Grail! He never goes soft!
FX:AN EXPLOSION. EVA SCREAMS.
TEDDY, LOOKING AWKWARD, PUTS THE JOYSTICK DOWN AND PUSHES IT AWAY.
TEDDY
Whoops.
END OF SKETCH
