Very tight this week so extra-special congratulations to ALEX MAHON for winning! Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - Alex Mahon
3 - 5 - Michael Monkhouse, Cool Mikado
1 - 1 - Don P Musey, Ishy, veedeeplex
Special mention: James

Your new subject: VANITY (suggested by Ishy)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Should be original but can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26.1.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

166! - Mr Sunshine
152 - Otterfox
138 - Cool Mikado
135 - Michael Monkhouse
125 - Kasm
122 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
80 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
60 - Gerry McDonnell
56 - Scratchyr
54 - Alex Mahon
43 - Ishy
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
24 - Don P. Musey
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
12 - Stephen Birch, Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

INT. PUB - DAY

TWO MEN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE

MAN 1:
You know that Peggy Reynolds?

MAN 2:
Peggy Reynolds? That rings a bell.

MAN 1:
Yeah, you know her; ridiculously large breasts, always showing them off. She thinks she's the bee's knees just because she's holding a decent pair.

MAN 2:
Can't place her.

MAN 1:
Peg with the massive jugs. Always sits in the corner there on a Friday night.

MAN 2:
The one with the wooden leg?

MAN 1:
That's the one. Well she was in here last night, drinking with Sam Kelly.

MAN 2:
Sam?

MAN 1:
Yeah, you know her, the one with one tit bigger than the other.

MAN 2:
Not sure.

MAN 1:
You definitely know her. Her left breast is marginally larger than the right. She's always with Peggy on a Friday night.

MAN 2:
You mean the albino girl, Samantha the friendly ghost?

MAN 1:
Yeah, that's her; well Peggy and Sam had a big fight last night with Jenny and Jackie McPoyle.

MAN 2:
Do I know them?

MAN 1:
Of course you do. Jenny's got the smallest tits you've ever seen. The only reason you'd stick your hands up her sweater is to keep your thumbs warm. I'm not even joking when I say Jackie has no tits.

MAN 2:
It's not ringing a bell.

MAN 1:
The McPoyles! You definitely know 'em; they were in that documentary last year.

MAN 2:
The conjoined twins?

MAN 1:
That's them.

MAN 2:
Bloody hell, who won the fight.

MAN 1:
The McPoyles, by a short head.

Scene-husband and wife getting ready to go out. She is examining herself in the mirror.

Brenda: Are my breasts too small?

Malcolm: No dear, of course not.

Brenda: Go on you can tell me. I won't be offended.

Malcolm: My dear your breasts are indeed perfect in every way. Pert, firm and plentiful.

Brenda: Your just saying that because you think there'll be no rumpy-pumpy for you if you say otherwise.

Malcolm: Look Brenda, I liked your breasts when I met you, I like them now. They are as Goldilocks said about baby bears porridge, just right.

Brenda: I'm not so sure.

Malcolm: Look if YOU wish to think of them as too small that's up to you, but leave me out of that conversation.

Brenda: Tsssk! Your no help. Malcolm I want bigger breasts and that's that!

Malcolm: Well you could try running a piece of toilet tissue between them.

Brenda: How would that make them bigger?

Malcolm: Well it worked for your arse.

VERILY I'M HIGH

OFFICE.
ROBBIE WILLIAMS speaks to a calm OFFICIAL...

OFFICIAL Good morning. What can I do for you?

ROBBIE I'm Robbie Williams right and I need rehab 'cos I'm on drugs.

OFFICIAL Sorry I don't believe you.

ROBBIE I am, really. Don't be a stick-in-the-poo...

OFFICIAL I'm sorry but I don't believe you're on drugs. You're just saying it to look cool.

ROBBIE Look I am. Watch: Wooooooooooo.....

OFFICIAL Piss off. You know how many popsters tell me they're high just for image?

ROBBIE All right: Ooooh missus madferit where's-me-trousers Mick-Jagger-Jagger-Jagger-Jaaaagggeeerrred...

OFFICIAL I'm not convinced. You're not drugged, you're just into image-building.

ROBBIE Okay... (gets up and sings) Ding dong! Verily I'm high, in Manchester sirens ringing:
Ding dong! My nads hit the sky, I'm riddled with cocaine filling.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-osh, heroin's so sexy.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-od, I'm E-d up and I'm retching.

Acid artillery I know, snort snow, leave me balls swungen,
And I-o, i-o, i-o, I owe me dealer a big 'un.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-osh, crack-sniffin' in the dog-house.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-od, smack-snortin' like Miss Winehouse.

Hey I'm smackful and I'm primed, I've coke across me fingers;
Hey I'm beautifully bonged-out, buzzed, freebassing and monkeyed.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-osh, needle freaks and turkeys!
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-od, toot tripping traps and rigs!

OFFICIAL Very sexy Mr Williams. But I'm still not convinced you're on drugs.

ROBBIE All right. I'll leave and go back to Take That.

OFFICIAL Hold on, here's your warrant.

1. INT: LIVING ROOM. MAN IS READING A MAGAZINE AND HE SEES AN ADVERT FOR PENIS ENLARGEMENT.

FADE

2. INT: SURGERY. THE MAN IS FACING AWAY FROM US NAKED. A NURSE IS BENDING DOWN BETWEEN HIS LEGS

NURSE:
Ok Mr Jarvis. Ready?

THE MAN LOOKS WORRIED BUT NODS HIS HEAD. THE NURSE GIVES A LARGE PULL TO HIS PRIVATES AND WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A BLIND BEING DRAWN.

NURSE:
Ta-da.

THE MAN LOOKS DOWN DELIGHTED. THE CAMERA THEN PULLS BACK AND WE SEE THE MAN HAS TINY ARMS

1.CLOSE UP OF A WOMAN'S HEAVILY MADE-UP FACE. FLAWLESS COMPLEXION, FALSE EYELASHES, EYESHADOW, EYEBROWS, THE LOT. LIPSTICK IS BEING APPLIED.

WOMAN (OUT OF SHOT):
(angrily) Right, there.

2.A CAR ACCIDENT. THERE IS A BURNING CAR IN THE BACKGROUND. THE HEAVILY MADE-UP WOMAN LIES COVERED IN BLOOD, A BIT MANGLED, BUT HER FACE IS FINE. NEXT TO HER IS A SIMILARLY BLOOD COVERED WOMAN HOLDING THE LIPSTICK FROM BEFORE.

WOMAN:
Now can I call an ambulance?

THE MADE-UP WOMAN GOES TO SPEAK BUT A GURGLE OF BLOOD COMES OUT AND DRIPS DOWN HER FACE.

WOMAN:
(frustrated) Marsha! What did I tell you! Blink once for yes, twice for no. Now I have to start all over again!!

Scene 1:-

TEENAGE BOY (16) WALKS UP TO A BIG HOUSE AND RINGS THE DOORBELL.

DOOR IS ANSWERED BY A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN.

Woman:- hiya stu, you here for Benji?

Stu:- yeah, just got a text, drop everything get round here now!

Woman:- well come on in then.

Woman shouts up the stairs.

Benji! Stu's here!!

Benji (22) (o.o.v):- in a minute!!!

Benji (o.o.v):-right, send him up but make sure he has on him my chocolate bar and my frij milkshake!!!

Woman gives stu the milkshake and chocolate bar and stu heads up stairs.

Stu:- got your stuff here.

Benji:- put it in the mini fridge. Right, my dad has just got another promotion which means im even more richer than you, so im going to let you pick three of my xbox games to swap in town, your going to bag them up and carry the bag as well.

Stu:- (sarcastically) jee thanks.

Benji:- don't be ungrateful!! You get to watch me play all day!! Anyway im nipping the loo before we go so get cracking.

Benji gets up and walks out.

Stu starts to flick through benji's games and just picks 3 at random, as he pulls them out a blank disc falls on the floor.

Stu:- ungrateful eh?!

Stu is searching franticly for a marker pen, finds one and starts to write on the cd, he opens a game case takes out an original and pops in the copy. He packs the games in the bag, Benji enters the room.

Benji:- you done yet?!

Stu:- yeah just finished.

Scene 2:-

Benji and stu walk into a very busy game shop.

Benji (whispering):- give me the bag and go stand by the door.

Stu:- why?

Benji:- cause you look cheap and I might not get as much for my games.

Stu:- what?!

Benji:- just do it.

Stu hands over the bag and walks over to the door, Benji joins the que and looks impatient.

Benji:- what's taking so long?!

Customer in front:- some kid with his mum figuring out what to get.

Benji:- that's what the queue is for?!?!

Benji makes it to the front of the queue and approaches the desk.

Staff member:- hi, what can I do for you?

Benji (abruptly):- what can I get for these?

Benji throws the bag on the desk, Staff member opens it and takes the game cases out,
He starts to check discs for scratches, on the third case he looks up at Benji.

Benji:- what now?!

Staff member:- can't take this mate.

Benji (raised voice) :- why?! I keep all my games in perfect order!

Other customers are starting to look round at Benji.

Staff member (whispering):- think there's been a mix up. It isn't the condition.

Benji (raised voice) :- what do you mean then?!

Staff member:- just calm down.

Benji (raised voice) :- look! Just cause your in a dead end job and and still living with your parents while in your thirties doesn't mean your can take your frustrations out on me!!!

Staff member is getting angry and starts to smirk.

Staff member (raised voice) :- actually sir! Its because we don't except DVD's with the title "chicks with d*cks 2 : tyrannies revenge" we aren't that type of store!

benji turns purple and looks around and see's a smirking stu.

Benji (whispering) :- you mind popping that back in the bag?

CAROLE -
Hey, Andy

ANDY -
Oh hi, oh my God, Carole!

CAROLE -
Lovely to see you.

ANDY -
Yeah, and you.

CAROLE -
Long time, eh?

ANDY -
God, yeah.

CAROLE -
You've hardly changed, looking good.

ANDY -
Well thanks, people do say I'm aging well.

CAROLE -
You are.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE.

CAROLE - (SARCASTIC AND GRUMPILY)
You're not looking so bad yourself Carole! Oh thanks Andy!

ANDY -
Sorry Carole - well hey, I recognised you, so it can't be all bad!

CAROLE -
Uh?

ANDY -
Oh come on, some people age better than others.

CAROLE -
Oh, thanks a lot, Andy. And yes, I did notice that you dye your hair now.

ANDY -
It's always been this colour.

CAROLE -
Oh yeah? Show us your pubes!

ANDY -
Carole! Oh that's just like you to lower the tone.

CAROLE -
And I reckon you pluck your eyebrows.

ANDY -
Shame you don't. You've only got the one.

CAROLE -
And you used to have a wonky tooth.

ANDY -
Try cleaning yours, sweetheart! And a bit of moisturiser wouldn't go amiss.

CAROLE -
Are you calling me baggy?

ANDY -
Bloody great holdalls, more like.

CAROLE -
I don't know what Gemma ever saw in you.

ANDY -
Well I know what Terry saw in you. Nobody could miss them!

CAROLE -
You nasty tosser. I hope I don't see you for another 5 years.

ANDY -
Not if I see you first!

CAROLE -
What, through your tinted contact lenses?

ANDY -
Better than through my piggy little eyes!

CAROLE -
I have not got piggy eyes!

ANDY -
Have too. Oink. Oink oink.

CAROLE - (GIGGLES)
Oh you git. Come on little brother, you can buy me a coffee!

INT.AUCTION ROOM.DAY

AN AUCTIONEER IS ADDRESSING THE PACKED AUCTION ROOM WHILST AN OLDER MAN IN OVERALLS CALLED IAN STANDS HOLDING UP A TRAVEL CASE WITH A CARD ATTACHED TO IT THAT READS LOT 627

AUCTIONEER
Next up ladies and gentleman is lot 627, this rather splendid Victorian travelling vanity case. Leather and mahogany, fitted with a pair of hair brushes, faceted pin jar and a manicure set; made in London circa 1894. Shall we start the bidding at say seventy pounds? Do I hear seventy pounds anywhere? No...? Fifty then...? Forty...? Twenty then...? Come on, surely it must be worth twenty pounds of someone's money? No...? How about I include a night with Ian as part of the lot as well?

VOICE IN THE AUDIENCE
Who's Ian?

AUCTIONEER
The man holding up the case

IAN LOOKS SLIGHTLY PUZZLED

ANOTHER VOICE IN THE AUDIENCE
Is he still sexually active?

THE AUCTIONEER LOOKS AT IAN WHO TURNS TO HIM AND NODS YES

AUCTIONEER
Yes he is

VOICE IN THE AUDIENCE
Can he dance about a bit and let us see what we're getting, maybe show a bit of leg?

ANOTHER VOICE IN THE AUDIENCE
He has a name...

VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE
Sorry, can Ian dance about a bit then?

IAN THINKS FOR A MOMENT AND BEGINS TO DANCE ABOUT A BIT ON THE SPOT

YET ANOTHER VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE
Relax Ian, enjoy yourself!

IAN STARTS TO FIND HIS GROOVE AND THE AUDIENCE BEGIN TO CLAP IN TIME AND WHISTLE AS IAN STARTS TO REALLY LET HIMSELF GO AND START TO WORK IT BUT AFTER DOING A TRICKY SPIN HE STUMBLES A BIT AND DROPS THE VANITY CASE BREAKING IT

AUCTIONEER
Well done Ian nice one... you had to display an excessive belief in your own abilities didn't you? Go on, get the next lot... Honestly, men!

INT: THE SITTING ROOM IN SNOW WHITE'S CASTLE. OUR HEROINE IS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, CONSIDERING HER REFLECTION

SNOW WHITE: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

MIRROR: It is you Snow White, you are by far the fairest maiden in the entire kingdom!

SNOW WHITE (SIGHS WITH SATISFACTION) Cool...seeya tomorrow! (BEGINS TO SKIP AWAY HAPPILY SINGING 'LA LA LA LA')

MIRROR (SIGHS AND MUMBLES)

SNOW WHITE: (RETURNING) Did you say something mirror?

MIRROR (WITH SOME FRUSTRATION) No, it's fine!

SNOW WHITE: (CONCERNED) There is something troubling you, please let me help!

MIRROR: (SARCASTICALLY) Huh, I wish you would!

SNOW WHITE: How can I help, do tell?

MIRROR: Well, alright then, every day I tell you how lovely you are...

SNOW WHITE (INTERRUPTING) Yes you do, and oh how it warms my heart so to hear!

MIRROR: Mmhmm, yeah, back to me though.

SNOW WHITE Sorry Mirror, do go on

MIRROR So, anyway, I tell you how fit you are...but what's in it for me??

SNOW WHITE (CONFUSED) I don't understand, don't I clean and polish you every day?

MIRROR Yeah, and would it kill you to wear a low cut top when you're doing it??

SNOW WHITE Mirror!!!

MIRROR I mean sure, it feels alright when you give feather duster, but sometimes all I want is for you to give my frame a good hard rub with a soapy shammy - finish me off properly!

SNOW WHITE I don't understand!!

MIRROR Oh come on, not even you can be that naïve, I tell you how gorgeous you are every day - hasn't the penny dropped yet??

SNOW WHITE Well I...

MIRROR I mean, I'm only wood and glass!

SNOW WHITE Well exactly, and I'm just a young supple teenage girl

MIRROR Cor you're making it worse. Look couldn't you consider maybe repositioning me??

SNOW WHITE Where to??

MIRROR How about your bathroom, so I could look at you right out of the shower ...I wouldn't mind getting steamed up

SNOW WHITE I don't think (INTERRUPTED)

MIRROR You could hang your wet towels on me if you like??

SNOW WHITE No, you would see my naked body

MIRROR Well, ok, how about your bedroom; I could watch over you while you sleep and warn you in case the witch comes back?

SNOW WHITE Hmm, well I am at my most vulnerable when I am asleep in my flimsy nightdress

MIRROR (VERY EXCITED) Phwoar yeah that sounds like a plan then doesn't it?

SNOW WHITE But no, I think not Mirror, there is so little room I would have to position you on the ceiling and you may fall and break!

MIRROR (DESPERATE) I'm willing to take the risk of seven years bad luck, I swear!

SNOW WHITE No, I think this all sounds a bit weird; things should stay just as they are

MIRROR Oh bloody hell!

SNOW WHITE Now this conversation has made me feel funny; I'm going upstairs to think of Prince Charming for a bit. and then I'll probably have a little nap (SKIPS AWAY)

MIRROR Oi, don't put that in my head and skip away, at least blow on me glass!!! (BEAT) You bleedin' tease!!!

ENDS

INT. - A BUS - DAY

P.O.V OF A POMPOUS MIDDLE-AGED MAN SEATED ON THE BUS. IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF HIM A WOMAN IS USING A SMALL MIRROR AS SHE APPLIES HER MAKE UP. AS THE BUS STOPS AND STARTS THE WOMAN GROANS TO SIGNAL SHE HAS GONE WRONG. PERIODICALLY THE MAN TRIES TO CATCH SIGHT OF THE WOMAN IN HER MIRROR, BUT SHE REALISES AND TUT-TUTS AS SHE CHANGES ANGLE. IN TURN HE MUMBLES DISAPPROVAL AND SHUFFLES HIS COPY OF THE TIMES.

MAN:
Shouldn't be allowed!

EVENTUALLY THE WOMAN GETS UP AND PRESSES THE BELL. AS SHE GETS OFF WE FINALLY SEE HER FACE. SHE IS PERFECTLY MADE UP AS A BLACK-AND-WHITE MINSTREL.

END.

A COSMETIC SURGERY CLINIC - LOS ANGELES ,CALIFORNIA

A CONSULTANT COSMETIC SURGEON SITS BEHIND A DESK

AN ATTRACTIVE FULLFIGURED WOMAN IN A LOW CUT CLINGING DRESS ENTERS THE ROOM AND IS INVITED TO SIT DOWN

CONSULTANT: Good afternoon madam, how may I help you today?

WOMAN: I'm hoping you will be able to operate on me to give me this look (she reaches into her handbag and passes a photograph across the desk) I've wanted this ever since I was a little girl.

CONSULTANT: (raises his eyebrows) I must say this is not one I have been asked to replicate before. I would like to explore further with you why you feel this surgery is necessary, tell me a little about yourself

THE WOMAN SHAKES HER LONG BLOND HAIR FROM SIDE TO SIDE, HER LARGE BLUE EYES FRAMED BY THICK CURLY LASHES BEGIN TO GLISTEN WITH TEARS
SHE SPEAKS SHAKILY: I've felt incomplete for so long now...I don't feel woman enough for the one I love, Im consumed by him but he loves another, he dosent even know I exist..

SHE WAILS LOUDLY, HER AMPLE BOSOM HEAVING WITH HEAVY SOBS

CONSULTANT: We're here to achieve the best result for you of course, but you may wish to consider an alternative...we have an array of looks to choose from ( he produces a large album from a shelf) Look, here for instance we have Cameron Diaz, or there's Marilyn Monroe, Kate Winslet or even Elizabeth Taylor...many many beautiful women..

THE WOMAN HEAVES AND SOBS EVEN MORE: You don't understand.......it must be this ( she points at the photograph on the desk) I need him to love ME like he loves HER, I'll never love anyone else...I'm almost there...I just need this one final bit, then he'll love ME

SHE REACHES AGAIN INTO HER HANDBAG AND PASSES A SMALL HEART SHAPED PHOTO FRAME ACROSS THE DESK

THE CONSULTANT LOOKS AT THE PHOTOGRAPH IN THE FRAME..HE STRUGGLES TO KEEP HIS COMPOSURE: But madam, this is a picture of Kermit the Frog

WOMAN: Now (sob)...do you understand...(sob)...why I NEED THAT SNOUT?

MIRANDA, a teenager dressed in a short dress and wearing a lot of make-up, walks quietly towards the front door on tip toes. DAD sits in an armchair reading the paper with his back to her.

DAD
Where do you think you're going?

DAD turns to face MIRANDA

DAD
You're not going out like that.

MIRANDA
(pleadingly/whiningly)
Dad.

DAD
You know the rules of this house.

MIRANDA
Fine.

MIRANDA turns as if to go back upstairs but turns back to face DAD with a big fake smile and she starts dancing with jazz hands.

MIRANDA
(sings)
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodnight.
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, adieu.
Adieu, adieu to you and you

MIRANDA points to DAD.

MIRANDA
(Cont'd)
and you.

MIRANDA points a previously unseen ewe.

EWE
Baaah.

MIRANDA
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

MIRANDA leaves as she sings the last 'goodbye' and slams the door.

DAD sits back into his chair and turns his attention back to the newspaper.

DAD
That's better.

Oops, I voted too early! I'll re-reserve my judgement for tomorrow

THE QUEEN DRAGS SNOW WHITE TOWARDS THE FIRE AND COVERS HER FACE IN SOOT. THEN SHE DRAGS HER BACK TO THE MAGICAL MIRROR

QUEEN:
(To magical mirror) Now tell me she's the fairest of them all.