Jimmy Jam I can't express how glad and grateful I am for your feedback. Your response is why I was told to join this site and what I need from this site.

Obviously by pinpointing the specific flaws knocks my ego, but if I wanted ego boosts I'd chat to best friends.

I'm didn't do 6th form, or English classes beyond school so the fact you spelt out in plain language why those bits don't work is FANTASTIC. I understand I understand I Understand

I get a notion that makes me laugh. Then I try to fit a narrative around it, so I can present my comedy to producers as my written comedy.

When on stage or recording the podcast, all I write is 15 or so funny notions that have tickled me. The notions in the show is dependant on how I feel and what my audience enjoys. Often I'm laughing hysterically and my audience can't even work out what I'm saying, but I then get emails saying I'm the funniest comic ever!?!

I can only proceed in comedy if I can write it. This must be the reason why I am the only one in my family that's not Dyslexic

INT: PUB: NIGHT
Drunk Man 1 - Hey, you looking at my bird?
Drunk Man 2 - That's no bird. That's a Gammy Wank.
DM1 - OUTSIDE, NOW!
DM2 - YEAH, You're On!
EXT: PUB: NIGHT
In street is a Police van, 3 Police officers and two huge Mascots (Men
dressed in padded 10 ft Cartoon characters - one of the Mascots is the shape of a shoe which wobbles).

DM1 - Evening Officers

Police Officer - Cough

Each Drunk man begins attacking and beating up a huge Mascot while
the Police stand-back and watch.

Camera pans to Police officer

Police Officer - We've placed our Mascots in all Bristol's violent hotspots. Go On WOBBLY SHOE, give it some!

---------------------
Cut to outside a nightclub. A bunch of aggressive drunk girls in
stilettos and short-skirts come spilling over to camera crew,
screaming.

GIRL 1 - B'stards wouldn't let us in!
GIRL 2 - Get your dick OUT now! OUT OUT
GIRL 3 - We're not drunk ladies? We're HAPPY ladies! WHO the FECK you Looking at?
GIRL 3 - Are you filming for the One Show? I LOVE YOU CHRIS EVANS!

The Police Van screeches around the corner.

We hear an officer shout 'OUT OUT OUT'

4 huge Cartoon mascots bound out the van and rush the girls. 3 girls
begin attacking 2 Mascots. One girl cuddles a Mascot, she's giggling and resembles a baby in her mother's arms. Another girl begins snogging a Mascot.

Camera pans to Police officer

Police Officer - All establishments have mobile alarms.

The police officer holds up an alarm device. It has the picture of a cartoon duck on the front.

Police Officer - Once pressed, we 'The Police' using the latest GPS
technology. Arrive within 2 minutes. Look

Camera pans to street corner. A feral man has appeared, he's carrying a
flick knife and appears to be creeping upto a middle class couple.

Police Officer - GET BOUNCY BABY!

Other officers all shout out for 'Bouncy Baby'.

A huge mascot, looking like a well padded Sumo in a nappy jumps out the van and
runs up to the knife wielding man. The middle age couple look terrified, the lady feints. The attacker is first surprised and angrily stabs the Sumo. Sumo falls, gets back up and goes for the knife man again. The stabber stabs again. Sumo keeps retracting and advancing.

Camera pans to Police officer who talks into camera. Sumo attack continues behind officer. Police Officer keeps looking over his shoulder, excited.

Police Officer - Excellent

Fast Forward 5 minutes. Knife man is exhasted and cuffed. He sits in the back of the Police Van. In the distance we see the Police officer and Bouncy baby come together. The camera rapidly zooms up. The Police Officer give Bouncy Baby a very big proud fatherly hug.

Can I ask what 'wobbly shoe' means?

It's one of the mascots - I've added that detail to the sketch. Cheers:0)

Ah right. I thought it might be some strange local slang I'd never heard!

didnt laugh but did enjoy reading it, picturing the sumo guy was amusing.

Should I add a scene before this sketch where politicians and police in Bristol, dumbly debate how to solve anti-social behaviour around the bars and clubs?

I think the reason for the mascots is clear enough because of the police dialogue.

Donna - did it make you laugh? I'm trying to work out how to write the sketch so it makes the reader laugh. Personally I think the whole visual image is laugh outloud funny - but I would:0)

this second draft is an improvement on the first