Wrote this one a few weeks ago. I like it but I think it needs a little something... any advice?

INT - OFFICE - A MAN WEARING A SUIT SITS BEHINDS DESK. HE IS AWAITING HIS CUSTOMER

BANKER:Ah, Kevin, nice to see you again.

KEVIN:Hi

KEVIN WALKS AROUND THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN

BANKER:Now. £30,000 loan wasn't it?

KEVIN:It is

BANKER:Repayment?

KEVIN:If I have to

BANKER:I'm afraid so. It's unfair I know but it has to be done -

KEVIN:- Unless you're a bank

BANKER:- Unless you're a... you're not a bank are you?

KEVIN:'Course I'm not

BANKER:You certainly don't have the American accent

HE STARES ATTENTIVELY AT KEVIN

BEAT

KEVIN:You mean, 'Yank'?

CONTINUES TO STARE AT KEVIN

BANKER:'I' know what 'I' mean, Kevin!

BEAT

BANKER:Now about this repayment term?

KEVIN:How long have I got?

BANKER:I could give you ten years?

KEVIN:Any more?

BANKER:How long do you want?

KEVIN:Twenty?

BANKER:No problem. Twenty years it is. And what were you thinking of putting down?

KEVIN HOLDS UP A TINY FLUFFY RABBIT IN HIS LEFT HAND

BANKER:I'll need a bit more than that Kevin

KEVIN IS NOW HOLDING TWO FLUFFY RABBITS ALOFT - ONE IN EITHER HAND

BANKER:Now Kevin, a deposit for a loan of this size normally consists real money

KEVIN:Not bunnies?

BANKER:Exactly

KEVIN:Ah

BANKER: Ah indeed. Indeed, ah.

KEVIN ROOTS AROUND IN HIS POCKETS

KEVIN:50 pence?

BANKER:Anything more substantial?

KEVIN HOLDS UP THE BUNNIES AGAIN

BANKER #cont:- except the bunnies

KEVIN:No

BANKER:No worries, we can get round that

KEVIN:Great

BANKERkay, let's conclude: A £30,000 loan?

KEVIN:Yep

BANKER:No deposit?

KEVIN:Nope

BANKERay it back in 20 years -

KEVIN:- or so

BANKER:- or so, yes

KEVIN:Exactly

BANKER HANDS OVER LOAN PAPERS TO KEVIN

BANKER:If you'd like to sign here, here and here

BANK POINTS OUT THE RELEVANT BITS TO SIGN

BANKER:Congratulations Kevin. Welcome to university.

END

Welcome to University - Unchallenged!
Liked the bill dup Hulkishly. Very big and strong on the intro. Shame the out wasn't as powerful. Still, it's a nice piece of work.

Quote: Stephen Birch @ December 1 2010, 11:00 PM GMT

Welcome to University - Unchallenged!
Liked the bill dup Hulkishly. Very big and strong on the intro. Shame the out wasn't as powerful. Still, it's a nice piece of work.

View original

an alternative out? Any ideas?

Never mind the out.

What about the in? Do people have to give the bank a cash deposit on a loan?

A couple thoughts:

Veronica makes a very good point regarding the premise. On a home loan you'd be asked what kind of "down payment" you have - is that what you meant?

The university angle is nice and relevant - but I'd consider putting that up front.

I say that because I'm not sure what the premise of the sketch is. Is it about the difficulty of getting loans? Is it about rising university costs? it seems like there's more than one which is hard in a short sketch.

There's a political issue also which is that the loans given to banks as part of the bailout were actually loans and do actually have repayment terms and penalties for failure to repay. In fact I think a few of the banks have already repayed.

I think the bunnies gag is great but I'd drop it after the first two and consider saving the third for your out.

I'm afraid I didn't get the "yank" joke... am I the only one?

Hope that was helpful.

Thanks all.

Yeah its a bit of a muddle aint it.

The premise I was going for was that Kevin is being offered a loan by the university... But we think it was the bank until the end. Just highlighting how students are bein screwed over

A simple idea which I have managed to overcomplicate and totally fudge up!

A rewrite reqd!

well we look forward to your rewrite!

I find sketches really hard to write - I'd rather write a half hour sitcom. In a sketch you have to be so concise and crystal clear about what the target of the joke is.

Do you work with a company shooting these? Can we see your other work?

Quote: JPM1 @ December 2 2010, 2:40 PM GMT

well we look forward to your rewrite!

I find sketches really hard to write - I'd rather write a half hour sitcom. In a sketch you have to be so concise and crystal clear about what the target of the joke is.

Do you work with a company shooting these? Can we see your other work?

View original

nah, I don't work with anybody. I only write the odd sketch when I get time - which isnt as often as id like!

I do find the sketches hard to write - I always seem to lose my original idea in the jumble somewhere!